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Friday, July 26, 2013

Why I haven't blogged

Well, in this case, I doubt the truth will set me free, but here goes nothing....

On my 33rd birthday I was so pumped up and ready to go and over the course of about a month I lost 6 - 8 pounds, I don't remember, I quit trying to keep track.  Well, since then, NOTHING, and quite possibly have gained 3 pounds.  My sister started weight watchers and has lost about 20 pounds and looks AMAZING!!  I am so happy for her, WW was not for me, I don't know why.  I know if I would have had access to the app and meetings I'm sure I would have done better, but the truth is, I eat, a lot.  It's ridiculous.

So, I tend to give advice.  I'm not sure if it's solicited or not, but I give out advice.  My mom always told me I'd either by a lawyer (because I loved to argue - which not so much anymore) or a counselor (because I was such a good listener, but I don't see that quality in myself).  Anyway, I give out advice.  And probably some of my most common advice is "this too shall pass".  Meaning, in the grand scheme of life, so many things are insignificant, time is relatively insignificant.  Now, your spouse, well they are around a long time, so that's not insignificant, but high school, for example, is only 4 years, if you live to 100 it's like 4% of your life, that is NOTHING!  I mean people throw away 4 pennies without a second thought and if something if $4 you think it's fairly cheap.  So, if high school sucks, which I was not so much a fan (because I made myself miserable - oh, me and the guy who called me jelly rolls every single day on my bus and made me cry every single day, oh and he paid this kid to pretend to ask me out, yup $18 to PRETEND he liked me for like 15 minutes and then laugh at me when I thought he really did like me.... yeah... high school....), but in the grand scheme of my life, high school was fairly insignificant.  Albeit, I probably should have tried harder and it maybe could have been a better time in my life (I was a pretty good student).  Anyway, the same goes with pregnancy, again, not a fan, it's only 9 months (at a time), so for me if I live to 100, it was approximately 2.7% of my life, that's nothing really.

To get to my point, I need less than a year to get the weight off that I want off, and that's being pretty generous.  However, I cannot take my own advice.  Why?  I do not know!!  I do not know why I will work out an hour a day and then sit and eat cheezits and 3 cookies at the end of the night.  Or instead of only 2 pieces of pizza, I will eat 4.  Why I set my alarm pretty much everyday to get up an hour before everyone else and instead I hit 'snooze' like 3 times and then eventually turn off the alarm all together.  And then, get aggravated that I have to work out during nap time, when I want to be doing other stuff.  Who does these things?  Even when I was in the doctor the other day he said if he could prescribe every patient to get up 30 minutes early and simply go for a walk (or something more strenuous would be ideal), he could solve so many health and mental issues.  And it's very true.  I feel better, physically and mentally when I work out first thing in the morning, BUT I don't do it.  I probably am the only person on the planet with these issues. 

I really thought 33 was my year, I've been married 10 years, and if I gain the same amount of weight the NEXT 10 years, I may as well dig my own grave. 

There is a confident, good dresser, happy, energetic girl screaming inside of me, and when I dream that's who I see.  Literally, when I dream at night, she comes out and is a force to be reckoned with, on so many levels, with so many things.  She's who I really am, but why does she only come out in my dreams?  Why is she not present when my alarm goes off?  Why is she not present when I put those cookies in my mouth?  Where does she go when I'm awake??  I need to find her, so if anyone has seen her OUTSIDE of my dreams, please tell her I'm looking for her.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Public Service Announcement: Missouri Spring

This is a Public Service Announcement!!! It should be no surprise that I do not like winter, I don't particularly like snow, I really don't like to be cold. I literally don't even want to go anywhere in the winter. I get winter-time blues, and take Vitamin D all winter long to help control this issue. I don't even think Christmas is that great (GASP!!!). I mean, I love the family part of Christmas, but the pressure, I just can't handle it all and the money, it just seems so carnal, so commercial, non of which will stop me from actually celebrating though. Anyway, it's almost the official first day of Spring, and well, winter is holding on like a stage 5 clinger... It's honestly not only ridiculous, but just plain mean. Living in Missouri my entire life (sad face), Mother Nature is always bi-polar. I'm pretty convinced, at this point, that Mother Nature is a multitude of sisters, and Missouri (well the Midwest in general) got the red-headed step sister (haha, ginger jokes - which I can say because I'm half ginger - right?!?!). A few years ago, I wrote this long letter to Mother Nature letting her know my displeasure with her, with our long, grey winter. I know, I know so many will tell me it wasn't that bad of a winter, there were so many worse ones, that it wasn't even THAT cold, there wasn't THAT much snow, blah blah blah. Well, it's all too much for me, regardless if it 'could be worse'. So, I wrote this letter on MySpace (OMG - what!?!? I'm so old!! - shooooot, my time in 'social media' goes wayyyyy past MySpace!), and I can no longer find it, so instead of writing to her about my displeasure, I think we, as Midwesterners, should take a united front to convince Mother Nature and her lackeys that we are well prepared and ready and willing to open our arms to Spring and welcome her with all the love and tenderness she deserves!!

First, and foremost all you lazy lady shavers - SHAVE YOUR LEGS!! All the way to the top, don't stop at the knees!! You know who you are, you spend the entire winter just growing out that hair!! Maybe you shave it for a date or a wedding, but beyond that you feel no need!! Well, ladies, do it now, don't even finish reading this!!!! And then lotion them because you know they'll itch after all that hairiness gets taken off - and seriously, quit doing that!!!

Second, all you lazy MAN shavers - GET RID OF THE BEARDS!! I, personally, like facial hair, but there is a FINE LINE, when it comes to facial hair and some of you have stepped wayyyyyyy over it!! My brother, he buried the line, totally disregarded it. But, it's gone now, he shaved, so the rest of you, who think you need to keep your face warm - this is 2013, there is no need for a 6 month beard!!!! Whether you hunt, fish, work outside, or you just think your long scraggly beard looks cool (it doesn't, you have probably crossed the line), it's time, it's time to let the beard go. If you want to keep a nice close shaven beard, I will support this, but if I can pull your beard, it's GOT TO GO!! Mother Nature is utterly confused by all these beards, we need them gone, so she will bring us spring.

Third, girls, girls, girls, have you even LOOKED at your feet since October??? When was the last time you painted your toe nails? Lotioned those hard feet? Or tried dealing with those cracked heels? Well, it's time to get it together. For the next couple days you need to work on those feet, you need to get them ready for flip flops!!! And shoeless dancing in the rain!!!! Shave your legs, shave your feet if you have - GEEZ - just do something with them!! Then pick a nice spring color, none of this bright red, or deep plum nonsense, you pick a nice color. Yellow is fine, if you're not pale, yellow looks ridiculous when your pale. Green, like a soft teal green, that's fine. Hot pink, that's my new favorite (or old favorite from the 80's??), orange, I do love some orange. Whatever it is, make is spring friendly!!

Fourth, all you people (including myself) who SWORE this was the year you'd take your health/weight loss seriously, and thought you'd have 20 pounds gone by now and you've gained 8 pounds (or more, whatever, it's not like I'm actually going to tell you), well, guess what?!?!!?! It's now even CLOSER to whatever had you panicked about this!! (yup, it's even closer to death, if that's what was concerning you!) So, do something!!!!! Quit sitting on the couch, staring at the ugly snow, and the grey skies and sulking that the sun will never shine again and do something!! (this paragraph is mostly for myself, I'm sure non of YOU have had issues with your body related goals this year!!!) Quit making excuses, think about spending the entire summer in jeans again, b/c your afraid someone will come up behind you with a golf club and try to put a 'hole in one' with your potholed, pale thighs!!!! Or the tank tops that you love so dearly that have to stay in the drawer because when you raise your arm everyone around you catches a cold from the breeze!!! Yup, that's right!! Mother Nature is confused by the promises and doesn't know what to do with nice weather you dreamed about enjoying in an epitome of health and instead it's not true at all!!!

Fifth, and finally, honestly, just take a moment!! Take a moment to look around and see the beauty in all seasons. As much as winter makes me anxious and lonely and sad, I will only admit ONCE that I can see the beauty in snow (albeit I wish it snowed when it was warm). I love to take pictures, and I always itch to spend 10 minutes (that's all I can take) outside to take pictures of the trees or this year I was blessed enough to take engagement pictures outside in the snow and they are beautiful!!! As the green starts to grow in (and I have to start pulling weeds - ugh!, there's always something to complain about, eh?), and I hear the birds, and I think about all the twitterpated animals, it makes me smile!! The greatest sound is the bullfrogs that used to croak all night long outside my window, in the lagoon at my parents house. It was the only time of year that I didn't need a radio to fall asleep to (now that I have kids, I get the lovely noise of a baby monitor). My dad will call me when they start croaking and brag about the sound. The beauty of this world is so beyond my imagination, could you imagine what heaven is like?!?!? I can't!!!

So, in conclusion, let's stop the laziness of winter, we all know it brings out lazy in the most productive of people and start focusing on the 'new beginnings' of spring!!! And do it now, quit pissing off Mother Nature with your nonsense!! :)

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My pictures!!!

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Monday, November 19, 2012

Liberated

Some of you may think this is a 'cop out', but be that as it may, it's the truth, and I just need to say it and get it off my chest.  There's a lot that's happened to me, internally, the last week or so.  First, I started a book called Serenity.  It's a book that accompanies AA type stuff.  I've felt for about 3 years I've needed to read this book.  My mother-in-law was a Pastor at this great little church and her woman's group read through this book many years ago.  It struck me as odd at first because I was pretty sure most, if not all of them, were not alcoholics or drug addicts.  But when I asked her about it, she said it just helped many of them, herself included, walk through some behaviors and other things of that nature.  So, I got the book from her.  Within the first chapter I felt completely liberated.  Here's what an addiction is: according to modern English dictionary.
n

the condition of being abnormally dependent on some habit, esp compulsive dependency on narcotic drugs.

And here's what it means in a medical dictionary:

n.
Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control.


And yet again, in a science dictionary:

  1. A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.
  2. A habitual or compulsive involvement in an activity, such as gambling.
So, the truth is, I think about food or eating, pretty much 24/7.  I think about what I'm eating every moment of every day.  This is nuts.  And I can't stop doing it.  It's literally, beyond my control.  It's a compulsion, it's often involuntary and I've become completely dependent on it to feed so many emotions or moments.  And then, in the first chapter of this book, I read this scripture: Romans 7:18 - 20
Amplified Bible (AMP)
18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.]

19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it [it is not myself that acts], but the sin [principle] which dwells within me [[a]fixed and operating in my soul].

Do you see what this says?  This says exactly what I've been saying about food for YEARS!  I do not want to overeat, I do not want to be unhealthy but I literally do not have the power to do what is right.  WOW!  So, I had to give up control of it.  I have never in my life, felt so liberated from food.  All these diets, programs, theories, etc, etc, talk about portion control and food control and eat this and not that and do this and not that and it made me crazier than before.  It made me binge, it made me hungrier, I snuck food, I bought food 'for the kids' just to eat myself.  It was uncontrollable.  After giving my food up to God, I haven't finished a plate yet, when I'm full I actually stop for once.  I've stayed busier this last week, which has kept my mind off of food.  I've made better choices.  And, I even admitted to my husband that when I would run errands sometimes, I would often stop for a 'treat' when no one was in the car with me, and well, I haven't done that since either.  I actually got in line at a fast food place to get a free milkshake and got OUT of line because I just didn't want to do it.  This is unbelievably a HUGE thing for me!!!  I've never felt more in control of my issue that right now, by giving up control.  And yes, everyday, and several times a day I have to ask God to take control, I have to relinquish things to him but I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulder and off my heart with this simple truth in my life.  I'm continuing on in the book, I love it, I'll read it again and again I'm sure.


So, that was the first liberating moment for me.  Then, I just decided one day I was done nursing.  Josie is 8 months old, I had all intentions of nursing until she was a year old, I just thought it's what seemed right to me.  She is my last baby, I wanted to hold onto that bonding, cuddling for as long as possible and well, she just didn't seem interested anymore and something in me just felt done.  So we are done.  (You can nurse however long you choose, more power to you, and if you choose NOT to nurse, that's fine too...this is a personal thing, not a judgement on ANYONE else.)  The next day I was sort of sad, it means my baby days are pretty over.  But I felt this huge sense of "Holy crap, it's MY body now!! MINE! MINE! No more boobies belonging to babies, no more chances I'll get pregnant and 'ruin' any weight I have lost!!"  I sat in my room for a moment just relieved almost.  It's my body, what seems like a little over 5 years, I'm not nursing, I'm not pregnant and there's not a chance I will be pregnant.  That stage of my life is over and it's, honestly, liberating to me!!  It feels good, I feel good about this decision.  I feel excited to move onto the next stage.  I feel like DAWN for once!

Then, I realized, I have no bras that are not nursing bras, that's right.  Between all my kids, even when not nursing, I just kept wearing nursing bras.  I will admit I have like three bras, all of which gave me that really stupid, odd, boob muffin top!!  You know what I'm talking about?  The boobie poof?  It's so gross!  Of course, my husband didn't see any issues with it.  I'm not talking about cleavage, that I don't take issue with, it's the boobie poof, when like the top 2 inches of you boob poof out of your bra because your bra doesn't fit right.  Well, to me, it's gross!!  I don't want any part of my boob falling out of my bra, the boobie poof is just wrong and should be outlawed (along with the butt crack peak-a-boo, but I cant' figure out why I have that issue and other people don't - do I just have a really long crack?).  AND I only have one pair of jeans that fit.  So, even though my body was finally mine, I was still stuck in the same clothes, with a muffin top and a boobie poof.  So we went out and bought me two new bras and two new jeans!!!  So, liberating.  I actually WANT to look nice for once.  I want to dress sort of in fashion, (the truth is, I have no idea what actually IS in fashion, but I just want to be out of my jeans, tshirts and tennis shoes).  So, this was also very liberating to me.  I feel free from the mom-clothes!!!!

So, that's where I've felt liberated this last week.  It's the oddest feeling being free from things that have been pushing me down for a long time.  I'm so incredibly excited for what the future has for me, I'm no longer afraid I'm going to be unhealthy (or even fat) forever.  I know there's freedom.  Over the last many years I have felt free from many things, I know Jesus is my freedom from eternal damnation, He's my freedom from sickness and disease, He's my protector, provider, provision.  But for whatever reason I couldn't get it inside my heart that if I give it to Him He will take control of whatever part of my life I need His help with. 

What have you been liberated from?  What's controlling your life that you need freedom from?  Is there something that the more you try to control the more of control it gets?  There is FREEDOM in Jesus, in His Word, in His love!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Can't hide anymore

I guess it's time to fess up and quit hiding from my blog.  You all have missed me right? 

Here's what's went down over the last many months.  I have lost no weight.  I've pretty much maintained, that's good right?  But, you know me, it's frustrating.  Upon the advice of my doctor and the encouragement of my brothers girlfriend, I signed up from Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago.  They have a special, so there's no sign up fee, but you have to sign up for 3 months up front, so it's $20/month basically.  Not too bad, that's like a gym membership.  I'm still sort of confused by the whole points process, I need to spend some time writing the points on certain things around my house and print out something for the kitchen so I can see, but I like the program to track everything I eat.

The first week I was given a ridiculous amount of points, I had 'told' it that I was nursing part time, which gave me all these extra points, I literally could not eat enough points in a day, so at the end of that week I had gained a pound and decided to edit it and tell it I was not nursing, which puts me in a more reasonable point amount.  So, where's the honesty in all of this?  Well, I don't keep track of everything.  We've had Halloween parties, birthday parties, etc and I FEEL like I did well, but if I was REALLY honest with myself, I only did okay with the eating.  Then I catch myself eating a cracker off my kids plate or grabbing a couple chips while I'm cooking dinner and then well, not writing that down.  So, yeah, I'm lying to myself, how dumb is this?  So, again, I hope to write points on some things so I can see it as I pick it up.

This is a hard time of year, as we all know, but I can have an excuse for every time of year.  And I'm not getting sleep again. For whatever reason my two year old has decided she's going to wake up at least twice a night to come into bed with me.  If I let her lay with me, it's miserable.  If I don't let her lay with me, she constantly gets up.  And even though we're 2 months into school, I still haven't gotten used to get up early enough to get all the kids ready to go out the door.  How do people do this?  What am I going to do next year when it's everyday??!!  EEK!

So, this is the month of Thankfulness, I will try to be thankful for things here and then elaborate.  I obviously make my facebook status what I'm thankful for (doesn't everyone?  you're not cool unless you do!).  The first day (yesterday) I said I was thankful for refinancing at 3% and I AM!  Plus, we have an FHA loan, which means IF we ever sold, any credit qualified buyers can take over the 3%, wouldn't that be amazing in like 10 years?  But I don't really want to move - have you seen my basement, that place is a pain to move?!?!  AND this dropped our payment another like $100 - yay and took a big amount off the life of our loan.  All great things, however, it did cost us $1000 more than we expected to do the closing.  The new mortgage company wanted a couple months buffer in our escrow we weren't prepared for..boooo!!  Which put us in a little bit of a bind, but I'm sure it'll work out, I'm just grateful for the 3%!  Today I said I was grateful for God's sense of humor.  He made us, humans, we fart and fall down and both of those things are hilarious.  It's true!

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Last Two Weeks and Refridgerant

On July 3rd, I went to get my hair cut, as I sat in the chair, looking at those less than flattering mirrors, while the girl farted around to get the cape around me, I looked and saw something I'm less than proud of.  I literally felt obese for the first time in my life.   And I knew I looked it.  I had to fight back tears.  I have always been proud that when I do gain weight, I keep my curves, but somehow my curves have developed into rolls, no not delicious dinner rolls (like cheddar bay biscuits), more like those hard, day old, can't take a bite without breaking your tooth, rolls.  No one likes those rolls, especially  not me.  The first thing I did was pick up a candy bar on the way home...I mean, that's totally logical right?  I got home and I was distant and honestly mean to my husband, who I had convinced now for the last two months that I was trying to lose weight even though I did very little to actually do it.

The next day I woke up and I'm not sure where the straw was that broke the camels back, but it was probably somewhere between breakfast, cookies and lunch.  I sat down on the couch and started to cry to my ever-understanding husband.  I had to swallow my pride, which, to me, is harder than swallowing liver or a bug, and I told him I needed his help.  Not only is he a math genius (and losing weight is a math game) but he's done this himself and kept it off.  He reassured me he'd do whatever I needed his help with and said "Let's start now."  Which, you NEVER start NOW!!!  Don't you get like a week or so to binge first?  And the following day, July 5th, was our anniversary and I didnt' want to "ruin" our anniversary by not being able to go out to eat (and pig out).  He made me promise I would not "freak out" on him, which, I'm known to do, often.  And this subject is my most touchy.  Well, within probably an hour of talking I freaked out him.  Not my best moment.  The next morning, I was still swallowing my pride, this time for a whole different reason, and finally said I was sorry and we moved on.

I found a journal to write things down (I'm a writer, I'd rather hand write stuff than type any day, okay that's probably not entirely true) and I wanted to make sure it was portable so I could take it with me.  I also looked up some food places we could eat, looked up the nutrition information and found a few dishes I could pick from if we went out to eat.  And we went on our way, and chose to make it an active date by spending the day crawling and climbing all over the St Louis City Museum.  It was fabulous, I sweat all day, ate right and got to spend the day with my biggest supporter.

Fast forward through the week.  We had set me up on 1200 calories a day (give or take 100).  This was my choice.  First, I need it off, I have so much to lose and I knew if I chose 1500 calories, some days I'd creep up to 1600 and that's not really much of a weight loss.   I wrote down everything I ate and worked out I think everyday at least for 30 minutes.  Well, I basically wrote everything I did/ate in that journal.  How much I worked out, if there was something in the day that could throw me off (like a party, or just something that would get me out of my routine) and again, every bite I took.  I measured every piece of food and used many online resources to look up calories in fruits and veggies (which obviously isn't on it, like with processed typed food).

The end of the week (a Thursday for me) I weighed in, a little worried, for whatever reason I thought I hadn't done enough.  Sure enough I lost 3.8 pounds.  I should be happy right?  Well, I wasn't, my milk supply has gone away, almost entirely.  This made me so sad and upset that it almost made me completely give up again.  I was so worried about this and upon doing some research realized I shouldn't have dropped my calories that low and I definitely shouldn't have done it "cold turkey".   Meaning, I should have spent a week at 1800, then a week or two at 1500, then finally made it down to 1200.  But I pulled myself together, realized she's 4 months old and decided I was just going to continue on with what I was doing, nurse as much as she wanted, supplement if I had to and see what the next two weeks has in store.  Hopefully my milk supply won't keep going down, as it has again yet this week.  Or maybe I can somehow get it back up.

The biggest downside so far, is that I've taken up diet soda again.  It's "calorie free" so when I want something other than water or tea, that has flavor (and caffeine!!!) I drink it, and kind of a lot again.  I'm hoping to fix this also.  I did like the 2 cups of coffee a day and then the rest water, but I can't drink coffee without creamer and some days I cannot 'afford' those extra calories.  However, come to think of it, this may by why my milk supply has fallen, I'm drinking less water than typical.  And, for whatever reason when I do start to drink a lot of diet soda, Josie seems to get fussy (which she's not a fussy baby AT ALL).  AND I just pledged to "fast" diet soda for the next 30 days in support of my friend battling cancer.  So, it HAS to go! 

Well, today, as I've decided to weigh in on Fridays, I get on the scale this morning.  Now, let's talk through some things here.  I can't really get up and take a nice walk/jog before I get on the scale or sit around and try to poop before I get on the scale because I'm woken up at whatever time Josie decides to wake up (lately 3:30 and then again about 5:30/6).  So I literally go straight from the bed, pee and then get on the scale.  This week I've been not so great about writing stuff down, it's been a lot harder being organized and able to weigh things with my husband being back at work and my kids have REALLY tried my patience this week.  And, I've had a hard time making time to work out, I probably worked out 4 - 5 times this week.  My milk supply is still low and I was starting to feel super guilty about it and Josie has had some major issues with waking up in the middle of the night (which she hasn't done since 6 weeks old), so it's made me unbearably (is that a word?) tired.  So, I get on the scale, my assumption is I probably haven't lost any weight, and I'll just do better next week with my food.  Well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My stupid body GAINED 3.4 pounds?!?!  Are you freakin' kidding me?  Pretty much everything I lost last week and I put it all back on?  Why is this even happening?  And the crap about muscle weight and water weight and blah blah blah, I know is just to try to make me feel better, well, it doesn't.

So now what do I do? This weight has to come off, it's not a vain thing (even though I dream about the vain stuff sometimes) it's honestly because I'm not healthy and not active and not happy and those things are only going to get worse.  I want to give up, I want to crawl into a whole, with donuts and a cake and just hibernate there for a couple days, that is what I WANT to do.  But it's not what I'm going to do.  I'm going to get up in the morning, have my 2 cups of coffee, have a couple eggs with Healthy Life bread, drink a ton of water (and maybe some tea) and get myself together.

I sing "Just The Way You Are" (Bruno Mars) to my daughter's multiple times a day, I dont' want them to have body issues and self esteem issues like I've been plagued with all my life, but how can I expect them to feel good about themselves when their mom is unhealthy and doesn't feel good about herself at all....

I'm going to try to post weekly again, and I'm going to try to keep up with the funny things that often happen around my house.....

Like this:

Last week we had a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother-in-law.  I just knew we had this left over helium tank from last summer in our basement, so I bought a huge bag of balloons, about an hour before the party guests were going to arrive I sit down to start filling the balloons.  First, I think it's weird because the valve for the tank doesn't fit the balloon hole very well, so it's leaking a lot.  Hmmm, weird.  Then, the balloons are not floating, then are falling, heavy, almost like bricks.  Hmmm, weird.  Can you have bad helium?  So, I suck some air out of a balloon and it makes me gag a little, so I say to my step daughter, "Does my voice sound high?"  Which it didn't...at all.  Hmmmm, weird. I decide to just give up and blow a few up with just my own hot air and let the kids play with them.  I put the tank in the spare room/baby room and move on.  Fast forward about 6 hours, my husband comes walking in with the green tank to give to my brother-in-law to use to charge the freon in our air conditioner.... I was totally confused.... Yup, that's right, I sucked refrigerant, like a complete idiot.  Thank goodness I didn't freeze my lungs :)

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Denial and Delusional

I try to be as transparent as possible in my blog, sometimes it's hard, as it often sounds like I'm complaining rather than just talking through things in my head and releasing them on paper.  And sometimes I just sound pure crazy.  I have been a journal-er my entire life.  In 6th grade our English Teacher required us to write, which I hated then, but eventually realized how easy it was to just get it out - on paper and then it was over!  Well, in most cases it was over.  After re-reading some old journal entries, I actually lied in them, yup, lied, I don't know why.  I always wanted to be cooler than I was so I often made things up to make myself sound cooler, but...no one read it but me, so I was trying to fool myself?  Delusional I am.  I've often thought about sharing some of my old poems and journal entries and stories that I wrote as a pre-teen/teen because some of them are hilarious (not ha-ha funny but 'I feel sorry for that girl' funny.)

In a recent conversation with my husband I actually said "I'm in a constant state between denial and delusional."  The good news, I've actually gotten past guilt.  I'm not sure what's better, denial and delusion or guilt.  All seem to lead to one common place - I have no will power.  Okay, that doesn't even make sense, AT ALL!  But the truth is, I'm beginning to really dislike myself (I'm currently working on deleting hate from my vocabulary, we were never allowed to say it as kids and I just don't like the word), I'm not myself at all anymore.  I haven't been able to finish a blog post in a long time, I delete my facebook status updates probably 10 times a day without ever posting them, I am DREADING the idea of going to church tomorrow and then a picnic after because I can't get away with wearing sweat pants or gym shorts and a baggie stained t-shirt.  I actually have to put on jeans and a nice top.  I don't have one pair of shorts or capri's that fit me so I have to wear jeans everywhere, which, in case you don't know the entire country is having an insane heat wave.  And most of the shirts I own are also slightly too small.  And let's not even talk about nursing bras, which are usually the most comfortable bras on the planet, nope, not at all, it makes me look like I have three sets of back boobs...  And, YES, I'm too cheap to buy any new stuff, and well, we're a very big family on one income so my clothes needs are usually the last ones taken care of.

Just the other day my husband took a picture of me and my gorgeous baby girl, which should be a good thing, it's not.  I'm so great at taking 'self portraits'.  I mean I should get paid for it, it's one of my best talents.  So I can make myself look pretty amazing, but, I was at a bad angle and well, my face was HUGE!  I honestly looked like a gorilla, that is how huge my face looked.  I think I had probably 2 side chins.  Even my eyebrows looked fat, I was purely disgusted by it.  I know, I know, I'm being really hard on myself and I'm a 'pretty' girl, but it's gotten beyond looks at this point.  I have zero confidence, zero motivation, zero energy, zero lots of things.  And I think about how terrible I feel (and look) that it consumes me, all the time.  I'm either thinking about food or thinking about how I can avoid working out.

The working out, isn't actually the hard part to me, yes, it sucks working out when I have lists and lists of things to do or I have one more kid crying or whining while I'm trying to work out, but I can typically get at least a 30 minute work out in 5 days a week.  I would like to be a jogger/runner again, so that is the hard part, most of my working out has to be inside because I have my kids 24/7, but whatever a work out is a work out.  The eating, it's the eating that's really doing me in.  I eat, all the time.  I tell people "I'm just so hungry", it's not really true.  Yes, I am hungrier than I used to be and nursing does make women hungrier than normal, but I'm really not as hungry as I like to tell people.  I'm not really sure if I'm bored (which seems completely impossible), or I'm stressed or what I am.  I don't know why I do it, I don't know why I can't walk past the pantry without eating a cookie.  Yes, get the out of the house, would make perfect sense, but I also believe that I need to learn to do this in the midst of temptation and just life. 

So, that's where I'm at, I slowly keep gaining weight, I quit weighing myself a couple weeks ago because I thought I had an okay week and gained 4 pounds - which equals about 14,000 EXTRA calories that week, which is totally impossible (and that's if I did no exercise, which I did work out that week....so....) and it destroyed any bit of confidence I was starting to feel.   I'm getting jigglier, which is so gross, my clothes look terrible, even my 'go to' fat clothes looks hideous right now.  I even gave up wearing make up unless at church because I've lost pretty much every ounce of confidence I've ever had.    I really don't know what to do....I dont' want to give up, this I know but it almost seems like I have without actually saying I have. 

I do know this, there will be quite possibly FOUR super important people I love soooo much getting married in the next 3 months to 18 months (give or take) and the thought of looking like this makes me want to tell each of them that I cant' be in their weddings (I've always wanted to be in a wedding!!!) so....do you think that realization made me do something different today?  No... WHY?!? UGH!

P.S. My husband would be proud, I just hit the 'spell check' and not one word was spelled wrong.  I guess it's a good thing there's not a grammar check!