I keep telling myself, yes, out loud, that I'm going to start all these new amazing habits for myself and for my kids and even as a family. And then I think, I should just wait until new baby gets here because they'll throw the entire schedule off. Then I realize that's ridiculous it would be easier to start them now and adjust later. Then I tell myself I'm going to get through this week or that week. First I need to paint this room, then I have to paint another room (those rooms are done now), then I need to learn to sew curtains (no room has curtains in our house, sad), then I need to carpet clean the entire house, then it'll be like Christmas, which means baking (LOVE baking and love giving baked goods away), and other things that go with Christmas. Then, basically, it's the new year and that means like 2 - 2 1/2 months until baby gets here...so.... yeah...
I'm not really sure where the skill of procrastinating came from. My mom was amazing, cleaning, cooking things from scratch, sewing outfits, curtains, pillows, quilting, canning, gardening, driving us everywhere, I mean she literally did it all. And my dad has always been a motivated kind of guy, you sort of have to be to run a successful Construction business for years! I was always told I never lived up to my potential so maybe procrastinating is me just not living up to my potential?
Speaking of skills, I often think about what skills I do have. I never finished college, I only went one year and I'm pretty sure I only passed half of the classes. I would just like to disclaim that my English professor ( I was a journalism major) did NOT like me and she was the head of her department, I was screwed from the get-go. And she didn't like me because the first paper we had to write we were given free reign on, and I wrote about how I hate being told what to write. Apparently, she really likes telling people what to write. Anyway, I graduated within the top 10% of my high school class, I have no idea how, I was not a fan of high school. It was pretty torturous to me, the first two years, some kid made so much fun of me I cried every day. The last two years, I finally found friends, but we sort of did stupid things, but I somehow managed to keep my grades up at least enough to get into the top 10%. Honestly, my graduating class was not really known for our academics, we had the highest drop out rate in like 30 years.
So I think about what skills I bring to the plate. First, I am AMAZING at changing the subject. And not like my ADHD brother (said in love), I mean I can sense awkwardness and change the subject without people even realizing it happened. I think that's a skill. I am also really good at coming up with these ridiculous house/room painting projects that take way longer than I ever imagined, but look really awesome when I'm done. I have amazing typing skills, although not 100% accurate I can type at about 95% accuracy and about 80+ WPM. I'm pretty sure I have baking skills, even though I don't practice them often, simply because then I eat it (and Jeremy doesn't like having all those sweets around), I do really love it and think I'm pretty good at it. I have this amazing skill of nervous jokes, I tend to talk a lot and make jokes out of everything when I'm nervous (and often when I'm not). Sometimes they are funny, sometimes not so much. Oh, probably one of my greatest skill is how awesome I am at being passive-aggressive. Now, this skill I have had to not use often, because it's so good, I mean like I'm a passive aggressive ninja. Right now, those are the non paying skills I have. Well, technically, all my skills are non paying, even the ones I'm not so good at :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Feeling Sentimental! The story of my miracle of children!
I've been praying over my baby and pregnancy everyday with the amazing words from the amazing book that I got!! I'm feeling so much better and can finally start to see a "glow" that instead of being the sweat from vomiting is now just the glow of knowing what a miracle God has done in my life.
Jeremy and I immediately started trying to have children when we got married in July 2003. He already had kids and they lived with us, so it's not like it would change things. Plus my mom was desperate to my a grandma (Nana, as we call her now) and I wanted nothing more than to bless her with grandchildren! In November 2003 I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, basically that means the baby got stuck in my tubes and my right tube (I believe) had burst. I remember my mom being at the hospital with me when they finally told me that I had to go into surgery. The nurse said "Pick a good dream" and I went to sleep and dreamed of a red headed little girl that I was pushing on a swing set, she is Rebecca, and she is in heaven with her maker and sadly joined by her Nana only a few short months later!
The loss of my mom in January 2004 spun me into something I never knew existed and honestly wish I never had to know. And in the midst of my grief we were in the middle of a major court battle with my step children, truly finding out how heinous and horrible people can really be, it was probably the saddest and loneliest time of my life. (If my marriage can not only survive but thrive through my first year of our marriage, than I truly believe any marriage can make it! - And we only knew each other 10 months before we got married, that alone is a true miracle.) Over the next many years we experienced 3 miscarriages, early ones, anywhere from 6 - 8 weeks along but it didn't matter they were all babies to me.
In April 2006, Jesse Duplantis was a guest speaker at our church. During prayer time the Holy Spirit prompted him to ask if anyone was having problems getting pregnant and wanted special prayer to come to the front of church and he'd pray for them. Well, I JUMPED over people to get to the front of the church. I know it wasn't Jesse Duplantis, I know for sure that it was God just boosting my faith. We never had another issue and in January 2007 I decided to get my body in line with my faith, I lost 18 pounds and was soon pregnant.
October 22, 2007 Isaac James was born!! There was never a real explanation of what was causing my miscarriages, low progesterone was the only thought and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Isaac I had to take progesterone pills. Jeremy knew I wanted more children, I wanted 2 more, Isaac was already number 4 for him so I wasn't sure how many more he was willing to have. I knew one more and I was eager pretty immediately after Isaac. Jeremy reassured me that God will prompt him on the timing and he'd let me know when the time was right. And he kept that promise. In February 2009 he said we could try again, 3 short months later we were pregnant without any issues or complications and in February 2010 I got my gorgeous baby girl Zoe. I sort of never felt done having kids after Zoe, regardless that she was colic and has been a pretty fussy baby since something deep inside felt that I needed/wanted one more. Jeremy, however, didn't feel the same. Yet God had another miracle waiting for me, in His perfect timing and He didnt' even feel the need to let either of us know before hand, coming in March 2012!
THREE babies for me when I never thought one was possible! I would cry every month for 4 1/2 years, and Jeremy told me to rest my faith on his. I had to, I was too emotionally involved in this. I lost my mom, my grandma, uncles, aunts, and so many people in those 4 1/2 years I NEEDED the 'circle of life' to make sense to me. Nothing made sense. Mothers would drown their babies, and mothers would abuse their children (and get away with it) as I found out first hand and it didn't seem like I could have any. And the thought of NOT having my mom here, to be a motherless mom, was tortuous but the desire to have a baby was greater than the grief.
Many times I look at my kids and just cry for them that they don't have Nana here, and many times I cry for myself because I need a break and don't often get them. We often laugh that my mom would pitch a tent in my front yard to be close to her grand kids, that they'd stay at her house more than they'd stay at mine, that she would have quit her job the day Isaac was born and never would have went back. But I cry mostly because as much as my children are loved and they are SOOOO loved, they are missing the love from the person that mattered the most to me in my life, the person that loved me the most.
Dont' worry, today I'm not sad, I'm so happy. Isaac is an amazing little man. Everyday he tells me "Mommy, you cute and beautiful" and he kisses my wedding ring. He hugs me all the time, he is full of energy and creativity. He's a great helper and he loves the Lord. He raises his hands during worship and many time dances, he recites Philippians 4:19 every night at bedtime. He adores Zoe and the new baby which he calls Cocky. He's so beautiful, he's a happy kid and laughs at everything! The love I have for my children is something I never thought possible and I'm so grateful that I get to know that love. And one day, not only do I get to be reunited with my mom and many other loved ones but my other babies!!! I often tell God not to be offended if the first person I want to see when I get to heaven is not Jesus, but my mom, He doesn't mind :)
So, Happy 4th birthday to a true miracle!!!
Jeremy and I immediately started trying to have children when we got married in July 2003. He already had kids and they lived with us, so it's not like it would change things. Plus my mom was desperate to my a grandma (Nana, as we call her now) and I wanted nothing more than to bless her with grandchildren! In November 2003 I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, basically that means the baby got stuck in my tubes and my right tube (I believe) had burst. I remember my mom being at the hospital with me when they finally told me that I had to go into surgery. The nurse said "Pick a good dream" and I went to sleep and dreamed of a red headed little girl that I was pushing on a swing set, she is Rebecca, and she is in heaven with her maker and sadly joined by her Nana only a few short months later!
The loss of my mom in January 2004 spun me into something I never knew existed and honestly wish I never had to know. And in the midst of my grief we were in the middle of a major court battle with my step children, truly finding out how heinous and horrible people can really be, it was probably the saddest and loneliest time of my life. (If my marriage can not only survive but thrive through my first year of our marriage, than I truly believe any marriage can make it! - And we only knew each other 10 months before we got married, that alone is a true miracle.) Over the next many years we experienced 3 miscarriages, early ones, anywhere from 6 - 8 weeks along but it didn't matter they were all babies to me.
In April 2006, Jesse Duplantis was a guest speaker at our church. During prayer time the Holy Spirit prompted him to ask if anyone was having problems getting pregnant and wanted special prayer to come to the front of church and he'd pray for them. Well, I JUMPED over people to get to the front of the church. I know it wasn't Jesse Duplantis, I know for sure that it was God just boosting my faith. We never had another issue and in January 2007 I decided to get my body in line with my faith, I lost 18 pounds and was soon pregnant.
October 22, 2007 Isaac James was born!! There was never a real explanation of what was causing my miscarriages, low progesterone was the only thought and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Isaac I had to take progesterone pills. Jeremy knew I wanted more children, I wanted 2 more, Isaac was already number 4 for him so I wasn't sure how many more he was willing to have. I knew one more and I was eager pretty immediately after Isaac. Jeremy reassured me that God will prompt him on the timing and he'd let me know when the time was right. And he kept that promise. In February 2009 he said we could try again, 3 short months later we were pregnant without any issues or complications and in February 2010 I got my gorgeous baby girl Zoe. I sort of never felt done having kids after Zoe, regardless that she was colic and has been a pretty fussy baby since something deep inside felt that I needed/wanted one more. Jeremy, however, didn't feel the same. Yet God had another miracle waiting for me, in His perfect timing and He didnt' even feel the need to let either of us know before hand, coming in March 2012!
THREE babies for me when I never thought one was possible! I would cry every month for 4 1/2 years, and Jeremy told me to rest my faith on his. I had to, I was too emotionally involved in this. I lost my mom, my grandma, uncles, aunts, and so many people in those 4 1/2 years I NEEDED the 'circle of life' to make sense to me. Nothing made sense. Mothers would drown their babies, and mothers would abuse their children (and get away with it) as I found out first hand and it didn't seem like I could have any. And the thought of NOT having my mom here, to be a motherless mom, was tortuous but the desire to have a baby was greater than the grief.
Many times I look at my kids and just cry for them that they don't have Nana here, and many times I cry for myself because I need a break and don't often get them. We often laugh that my mom would pitch a tent in my front yard to be close to her grand kids, that they'd stay at her house more than they'd stay at mine, that she would have quit her job the day Isaac was born and never would have went back. But I cry mostly because as much as my children are loved and they are SOOOO loved, they are missing the love from the person that mattered the most to me in my life, the person that loved me the most.
Dont' worry, today I'm not sad, I'm so happy. Isaac is an amazing little man. Everyday he tells me "Mommy, you cute and beautiful" and he kisses my wedding ring. He hugs me all the time, he is full of energy and creativity. He's a great helper and he loves the Lord. He raises his hands during worship and many time dances, he recites Philippians 4:19 every night at bedtime. He adores Zoe and the new baby which he calls Cocky. He's so beautiful, he's a happy kid and laughs at everything! The love I have for my children is something I never thought possible and I'm so grateful that I get to know that love. And one day, not only do I get to be reunited with my mom and many other loved ones but my other babies!!! I often tell God not to be offended if the first person I want to see when I get to heaven is not Jesus, but my mom, He doesn't mind :)
So, Happy 4th birthday to a true miracle!!!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Pickles and Beef
For being someone who very much enjoys writing, I really hate titles. I mean, does everything have to have a label. Okay, I know a label and a title are totally different, but whatever, let me be dramatic!
In my last post I talked about scaring people out of pregnancy, well, I'm not going to do that anymore! I realized that it's not fair, it might be facts, but it's not fair. This is my last pregnancy and upon the continued advice from some friends at church my husband purchased the book "Supernatural Pregnancy" and well, I'm half way through and it's amazing! Of course, I'm not talking about NATURAL pregnancy, to me that's insane, but supernatural is totally something I can wrap my faith around. Even if I didn't have to have a csection I like 99.99999% sure I'd probably still want the drugs. And that's okay, that doesn't make me weak or less of a Christian, it just makes me a big baby, and I'm totally fine with that! However, I have started compiling a list of all the things I am believing for during pregnant, during delivery, in the hospital and even at home for Kiwi (baby's nickname). I'm pretty stoked that this delivery is not going to be ridiculous like the other two where!
Continuing on, the other night I mentioned I wanted a candy bar. Jeremy jumped up and asked me what I wanted, I told him either Twix, Snickers or Caramelo, King Size! He came home with all three, they are gone and now I want beef! Like a philly cheese steak from Subway, totally dying for one, I've never had one, but it sort of seems like a priority. I like can't stop thinking about it, and just now thought of pickles and I think I shall have some of those! (While still thinking about the beef of course!) Last week I crashed my best friend's family's dinner and had some amazing steak and if I thought there was still some left I'd go into their fridge and take it, I'm allowed, I promise!
(Excuse me while my eyes twitch because that pickle was soft...soft pickles are disgusting!)
Funny how one of the things I'm "believing" for is to not gain anymore than 20 pounds this pregnancy. For some that seems just silly. First, I do not think that pregnancy is just about doing nothing and eating whatever you want. For me, personally, I can't do a lot of physical activities ( I could walk, I'm not currently, but I have plans to), I tend to get wore out really quickly even at the beginning. Secondly, I think you can eat whatever you want, in moderation, as all things. I get that some ladies have to snack a lot because of nausea and what not, so I'm not judging. Finally, I gained 37 with Isaac (which I thought was really good because 45 pounds FELL OFF like 4 weeks after he was born it was awesome). Then I only gained 15 pounds with Zoe and exclusively breastfed her (not Isaac) and thought to myself "This is gonna be a cake walk, this measly 15 pounds is gonna melt off in like a week and then it's gonna be so easy to keep losing it." Boy, that was silly! Not only did I NEVER lose the 15 pounds, I gained like 10 more!!! So, a 20 pounds pregnancy gain is totally feasible for me. But candy bars, pickles and beef are probably not the way to go about this. Oh well, I've only gained 3 - 5 pounds, I'm like 17 or 18 weeks, and I see the doctor tomorrow so we'll see how I've done this few weeks!
Right now I am still SUPER excited about not knowing the gender of the baby! It'll make delivery so special. However, we can NOT agree on names. Luckily we don't HAVE to name the baby until we leave the hospital.
The names I like:
Ezekiel Stephen (Zeke)
Callia Marie
In my last post I talked about scaring people out of pregnancy, well, I'm not going to do that anymore! I realized that it's not fair, it might be facts, but it's not fair. This is my last pregnancy and upon the continued advice from some friends at church my husband purchased the book "Supernatural Pregnancy" and well, I'm half way through and it's amazing! Of course, I'm not talking about NATURAL pregnancy, to me that's insane, but supernatural is totally something I can wrap my faith around. Even if I didn't have to have a csection I like 99.99999% sure I'd probably still want the drugs. And that's okay, that doesn't make me weak or less of a Christian, it just makes me a big baby, and I'm totally fine with that! However, I have started compiling a list of all the things I am believing for during pregnant, during delivery, in the hospital and even at home for Kiwi (baby's nickname). I'm pretty stoked that this delivery is not going to be ridiculous like the other two where!
Continuing on, the other night I mentioned I wanted a candy bar. Jeremy jumped up and asked me what I wanted, I told him either Twix, Snickers or Caramelo, King Size! He came home with all three, they are gone and now I want beef! Like a philly cheese steak from Subway, totally dying for one, I've never had one, but it sort of seems like a priority. I like can't stop thinking about it, and just now thought of pickles and I think I shall have some of those! (While still thinking about the beef of course!) Last week I crashed my best friend's family's dinner and had some amazing steak and if I thought there was still some left I'd go into their fridge and take it, I'm allowed, I promise!
(Excuse me while my eyes twitch because that pickle was soft...soft pickles are disgusting!)
Funny how one of the things I'm "believing" for is to not gain anymore than 20 pounds this pregnancy. For some that seems just silly. First, I do not think that pregnancy is just about doing nothing and eating whatever you want. For me, personally, I can't do a lot of physical activities ( I could walk, I'm not currently, but I have plans to), I tend to get wore out really quickly even at the beginning. Secondly, I think you can eat whatever you want, in moderation, as all things. I get that some ladies have to snack a lot because of nausea and what not, so I'm not judging. Finally, I gained 37 with Isaac (which I thought was really good because 45 pounds FELL OFF like 4 weeks after he was born it was awesome). Then I only gained 15 pounds with Zoe and exclusively breastfed her (not Isaac) and thought to myself "This is gonna be a cake walk, this measly 15 pounds is gonna melt off in like a week and then it's gonna be so easy to keep losing it." Boy, that was silly! Not only did I NEVER lose the 15 pounds, I gained like 10 more!!! So, a 20 pounds pregnancy gain is totally feasible for me. But candy bars, pickles and beef are probably not the way to go about this. Oh well, I've only gained 3 - 5 pounds, I'm like 17 or 18 weeks, and I see the doctor tomorrow so we'll see how I've done this few weeks!
Right now I am still SUPER excited about not knowing the gender of the baby! It'll make delivery so special. However, we can NOT agree on names. Luckily we don't HAVE to name the baby until we leave the hospital.
The names I like:
Ezekiel Stephen (Zeke)
Callia Marie
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
A new direction
Well, I haven't written in quite a few weeks, probably over a month, because well, I'm having another baby!! So, there's not a lot of losing weight going on right now....
I keep telling myself I'll take this blog in a different direction for now, I'm a funny person I have good stuff to write about, but I can't seem to get motivated to do so. Be it the nausea, actual vomiting, or the "I'm so tired I can't lift my hands" I cannot seem to get anything on paper. (Should we really use that line anymore?) It's not unlike me to go through ups and downs with the writing thing. 10 years ago? I wrote everyday all day long...
At night I'll lay down and think of all these hilarious things to write about. I say some pretty awesome one liners throughout the day (when I'm given adults to talk to), and I have so many funny stories from childhood onto now. But I sit here, yawning every 3 words, knowing nothing is going to come out worth anyone's time to read!!
I do have stuff to say that's not funny, and some stuff that some people won't even want to read about. For example, the thought of having another c section makes me throw up in my throat a little bit. The first one was great, I had pushed for 12 hours, so by the time they put me on the table for a c section I wanted the kid out, be it through my nose, I wanted him out! I am one of the lucky like 5% that get "pregnancy shakes" and "labor vomiting", yeah, as soon as I get to the hospital I start shaking and as soon as they put the IV in me I start vomiting. High Five for that! So there's always that to look forward to. With my second pregnancy, I was in labor at church (the entire time, writing down how close my contractions were, breathing through them) and not a soul knew. By the time we got in the car and drove home (I was driving) they were about 7 - 8 minutes apart. Yes, even though I have to have a c section, I still went through hours of labor..awesome... They had me walk from the triage room to the OR room and I was pretty sure I could have pushed Zoe out in the hall way on my way there I was so dialated and the contractions were about 2 - 3 minutes apart. But to no avail I was given a spinal block and laid back on the table where I threw up so many time the anestialogist (SP??) threatened to intibate me (yes, awake)... And then couldn't even hold my daughter for almost 3 hours because I was shaking so bad. Yeah, I have great labor and delivery stories, makes you want to have a kid doesn't it?? And, btw, I read like a million (yes a million) pregnancy books during my first pregnancy, I watched all those "my child was born (fill in the blank with something horrific", I was "special deliver" and "bring baby home", etc, etc, NOT ONE told me about pregnancy shakes and vomiting....NOT ONE! I seriously need to write a book called "If you want to have a baby you probably shouldn't read this book"....I'm pretty sure it would be a best seller... And don't even get me started on the first trimester... Yes, I'd do it over and over again for my children (obviously) but just nothing prepares you, especially since every pregnancy, every woman and every baby are different.
So this pregnancy loads and loads of prayers are specifically for the labor and delivery alone. I don't mind the going into labor part even though I'm having a c section, I sort of want my baby to pick their own birthday. I just have high hopes for no shaking, no vomiting and being able to hold my baby ASAP! The one thing I do look forward to is the 4 - 5 days at the hospital. I know so many moms who were dying to get back home to their other children, their routine, etc. Not me, I like being there. People bring me pain medicine, take the baby so I can sleep, I order my food off of a touch screen and since I breastfeed I can have as many calories as I'd like, they change my bed, and with Isaac one nurses aid even gave me a massage..yeah I like the 4 - 5 days in the hospital. However, there's not as many visitors with the second one as with the first one, which can be a little bit boring....oh well..
I keep telling myself I'll take this blog in a different direction for now, I'm a funny person I have good stuff to write about, but I can't seem to get motivated to do so. Be it the nausea, actual vomiting, or the "I'm so tired I can't lift my hands" I cannot seem to get anything on paper. (Should we really use that line anymore?) It's not unlike me to go through ups and downs with the writing thing. 10 years ago? I wrote everyday all day long...
At night I'll lay down and think of all these hilarious things to write about. I say some pretty awesome one liners throughout the day (when I'm given adults to talk to), and I have so many funny stories from childhood onto now. But I sit here, yawning every 3 words, knowing nothing is going to come out worth anyone's time to read!!
I do have stuff to say that's not funny, and some stuff that some people won't even want to read about. For example, the thought of having another c section makes me throw up in my throat a little bit. The first one was great, I had pushed for 12 hours, so by the time they put me on the table for a c section I wanted the kid out, be it through my nose, I wanted him out! I am one of the lucky like 5% that get "pregnancy shakes" and "labor vomiting", yeah, as soon as I get to the hospital I start shaking and as soon as they put the IV in me I start vomiting. High Five for that! So there's always that to look forward to. With my second pregnancy, I was in labor at church (the entire time, writing down how close my contractions were, breathing through them) and not a soul knew. By the time we got in the car and drove home (I was driving) they were about 7 - 8 minutes apart. Yes, even though I have to have a c section, I still went through hours of labor..awesome... They had me walk from the triage room to the OR room and I was pretty sure I could have pushed Zoe out in the hall way on my way there I was so dialated and the contractions were about 2 - 3 minutes apart. But to no avail I was given a spinal block and laid back on the table where I threw up so many time the anestialogist (SP??) threatened to intibate me (yes, awake)... And then couldn't even hold my daughter for almost 3 hours because I was shaking so bad. Yeah, I have great labor and delivery stories, makes you want to have a kid doesn't it?? And, btw, I read like a million (yes a million) pregnancy books during my first pregnancy, I watched all those "my child was born (fill in the blank with something horrific", I was "special deliver" and "bring baby home", etc, etc, NOT ONE told me about pregnancy shakes and vomiting....NOT ONE! I seriously need to write a book called "If you want to have a baby you probably shouldn't read this book"....I'm pretty sure it would be a best seller... And don't even get me started on the first trimester... Yes, I'd do it over and over again for my children (obviously) but just nothing prepares you, especially since every pregnancy, every woman and every baby are different.
So this pregnancy loads and loads of prayers are specifically for the labor and delivery alone. I don't mind the going into labor part even though I'm having a c section, I sort of want my baby to pick their own birthday. I just have high hopes for no shaking, no vomiting and being able to hold my baby ASAP! The one thing I do look forward to is the 4 - 5 days at the hospital. I know so many moms who were dying to get back home to their other children, their routine, etc. Not me, I like being there. People bring me pain medicine, take the baby so I can sleep, I order my food off of a touch screen and since I breastfeed I can have as many calories as I'd like, they change my bed, and with Isaac one nurses aid even gave me a massage..yeah I like the 4 - 5 days in the hospital. However, there's not as many visitors with the second one as with the first one, which can be a little bit boring....oh well..
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Veggies...yum
I will admit that I am not the best eater in the world. I like veggies, but I don't love veggies and I don't have a big array that I do like. I'd love to like (haha) squash of any kind, asparagus, but I like the 'normal' stuff. Beans (are those a veggie?), sweet potatoes, green beans, corn, potatoes, sugar snap peas (not real peas), things of that nature. We did plant a garden this year, but the weeds are out of control, because we didnt' take care of them BEFORE we planted and as hot as the weather has been, it's been rough. Anyway, a couple weeks ago my husband and I decided to do a veggie diet just for the week. Years ago I did this, but I kept it to raw veggies as much as possible, and I lost 10 pounds in that week. We did it this time, I even did veggie pizza and had rice or a whole wheat wrap with eggs a couple times, and I still lost 3.8 pounds. Hurray! I'm now down to 21 pounds lost, which is okay (I won't beat myself up right now on what 'could' have been or 'should' have been). This is good also because I had put on a few pounds since May. Also, I did the 3.8 pounds without doing any exercising, there just wasn't any time. I was SUPER busy and like I've always said there is something to keeping busy. Plus, just WALKING outside I'd sweat like I had just ran a mile. Anyway, this week, I kept it off, there wasn't really any dieting and no working out. I think this blog may take a different turn for a while. Not because I've given up, I've given up pretty much my entire life, so I have to "break the cycle" somehow, someway, but because I have many other things I'd like to talk about also.
I'm thinking in two weeks, I'm going to go the veggies thing again, but for two weeks. Also going to do some research on vitamins I think. Who knows, again, I'm always full of great ideas, not just great follow through.
I'm thinking in two weeks, I'm going to go the veggies thing again, but for two weeks. Also going to do some research on vitamins I think. Who knows, again, I'm always full of great ideas, not just great follow through.
Monday, June 27, 2011
More Nonsense
I thought only gaining 2 pounds back after doing NOTHING for a month would motivate me to start doing something, that is not correct, I haven't done anything. Every week I think I'm going to start and I never do. And I actually thought the looming "Labor Day Float" which I really really really hope we get to do this year would also help me. So far, no go! It's weird to think about what WILL actually motivate me, what is it going to take?
I caught my 3 year old biting his nails, which I bite my nails and I immediately became very self conscious of biting my nail and it's getting better. Will it take one of my kids being obese for me to work on it? Which I honestly don't even want to think about!!!!! My kids are so active, Isaac is a great eater and Zoe is picky (we work on it), so I want to keep them active and eating better than I do/did!!
I've taken my kids to eat at school twice in the last couple weeks. They offer free lunches for kinds 18 and under. The first time was chicken strips, mashed potatoes, corn, fruit cocktail, cookie, and milk or juice. Honestly I wouldn't eat it, it was not appealing at all. Today, cheeseburgers, cold french fries, peaches in syrup, cookie, and milk or juice. I ate a cheeseburger...couldn't stomach anything else. It was so gross!! That's all I'm going to say about that, until I can get myself to a better health place, I cannot judge anyone Else's choices.
Right now I'm sitting here thinking about working out, I need to, I want to, sort of! I do know I feel better when I work out and I can get more done around the house when I do, I'm more patient with my children, and just happier in general. The thought of getting off the couch, putting on work out clothes, fighting Isaac to get out the door, just makes me sit here longer. No work out video I have sounds like something I want to do. Jogging sounds great, but I know it'll be a pathetic attempt, and I will have to fight Isaac to get out the door!
Maybe someone out there could tell me how amazing they felt after they lost weight! Or something...I don't know.
I hear about momentum! I need that, I just need to drop like a pound this week and keep that momentum for the next 8 - 10 weeks. I also read an article about finding a belt that fits you on the first notch, that way you'll be able to tell if you're losing weight, gaining weight, or staying the same. I actually did this a long time ago. I bought a belt, an embarrassing size that fit on the first notch, I'm now and have been on the 3 notch for a LONG time. I was on the first notch for so long that that part of the belt actually fell off the other day. Some days, depending on the pants I'm wearing and where they sit on my waist/hips depends on whether it's on the second or third notch. So that's a good thing to have around.
Last night when I sat down to eat, I pulled out a Party Pizza, which I normally LOVE LOVE!! Um, it was so gross to me that I barely ate half of it. Which then I thought "oh, I didn't eat 'all my dinner'" and then I ate other stuff, stupid stupid stupid!
Well, I think it's time to lay Isaac down with a movie so I can do something!
I caught my 3 year old biting his nails, which I bite my nails and I immediately became very self conscious of biting my nail and it's getting better. Will it take one of my kids being obese for me to work on it? Which I honestly don't even want to think about!!!!! My kids are so active, Isaac is a great eater and Zoe is picky (we work on it), so I want to keep them active and eating better than I do/did!!
I've taken my kids to eat at school twice in the last couple weeks. They offer free lunches for kinds 18 and under. The first time was chicken strips, mashed potatoes, corn, fruit cocktail, cookie, and milk or juice. Honestly I wouldn't eat it, it was not appealing at all. Today, cheeseburgers, cold french fries, peaches in syrup, cookie, and milk or juice. I ate a cheeseburger...couldn't stomach anything else. It was so gross!! That's all I'm going to say about that, until I can get myself to a better health place, I cannot judge anyone Else's choices.
Right now I'm sitting here thinking about working out, I need to, I want to, sort of! I do know I feel better when I work out and I can get more done around the house when I do, I'm more patient with my children, and just happier in general. The thought of getting off the couch, putting on work out clothes, fighting Isaac to get out the door, just makes me sit here longer. No work out video I have sounds like something I want to do. Jogging sounds great, but I know it'll be a pathetic attempt, and I will have to fight Isaac to get out the door!
Maybe someone out there could tell me how amazing they felt after they lost weight! Or something...I don't know.
I hear about momentum! I need that, I just need to drop like a pound this week and keep that momentum for the next 8 - 10 weeks. I also read an article about finding a belt that fits you on the first notch, that way you'll be able to tell if you're losing weight, gaining weight, or staying the same. I actually did this a long time ago. I bought a belt, an embarrassing size that fit on the first notch, I'm now and have been on the 3 notch for a LONG time. I was on the first notch for so long that that part of the belt actually fell off the other day. Some days, depending on the pants I'm wearing and where they sit on my waist/hips depends on whether it's on the second or third notch. So that's a good thing to have around.
Last night when I sat down to eat, I pulled out a Party Pizza, which I normally LOVE LOVE!! Um, it was so gross to me that I barely ate half of it. Which then I thought "oh, I didn't eat 'all my dinner'" and then I ate other stuff, stupid stupid stupid!
Well, I think it's time to lay Isaac down with a movie so I can do something!
Monday, June 13, 2011
I faced the music
So, last Friday I finally weighed in to see the damage. I haven't posted in over a month, I simply haven't done anything for myself since I've gotten back from Memphis. I've felt pretty guilty about going away, when my husband is the one who really needed the vacation, and in a weird sort of way I just didn't feel right taking more time to myself, for exercise, and meal planning and what not.
I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain. My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted. I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy. The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.
Well, I only gained 2 pounds. I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have been. Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month. When you really think about that, it's disgusting. But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.
On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening. Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes. But now I'm totally disgusted by many things. I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk. I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health. And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc.
I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent. Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me! I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more. There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that?? I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it? Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.
I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this. There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food. One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it... So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.
I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet. The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be. The list, was LONG, no kidding. Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself. You should really try this, it's no easy task. Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short. Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me. Perfect in His image. This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.
Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now. I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself. I also hope the next post isn't too far off....
I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain. My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted. I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy. The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.
Well, I only gained 2 pounds. I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have been. Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month. When you really think about that, it's disgusting. But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.
On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening. Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes. But now I'm totally disgusted by many things. I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk. I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health. And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc.
I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent. Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me! I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more. There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that?? I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it? Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.
I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this. There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food. One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it... So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.
I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet. The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be. The list, was LONG, no kidding. Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself. You should really try this, it's no easy task. Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short. Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me. Perfect in His image. This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.
Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now. I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself. I also hope the next post isn't too far off....
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