| n | |
| the condition of being abnormally dependent on some habit, esp compulsive dependency on narcotic drugs. And here's what it means in a medical dictionary: n. Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control. And yet again, in a science dictionary:
Amplified Bible (AMP)
18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.]
19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.
20 Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it [it is not myself that acts], but the sin [principle] which dwells within me [[a]fixed and operating in my soul].
Do you see what this says? This says exactly what I've been saying about food for YEARS! I do not want to overeat, I do not want to be unhealthy but I literally do not have the power to do what is right. WOW! So, I had to give up control of it. I have never in my life, felt so liberated from food. All these diets, programs, theories, etc, etc, talk about portion control and food control and eat this and not that and do this and not that and it made me crazier than before. It made me binge, it made me hungrier, I snuck food, I bought food 'for the kids' just to eat myself. It was uncontrollable. After giving my food up to God, I haven't finished a plate yet, when I'm full I actually stop for once. I've stayed busier this last week, which has kept my mind off of food. I've made better choices. And, I even admitted to my husband that when I would run errands sometimes, I would often stop for a 'treat' when no one was in the car with me, and well, I haven't done that since either. I actually got in line at a fast food place to get a free milkshake and got OUT of line because I just didn't want to do it. This is unbelievably a HUGE thing for me!!! I've never felt more in control of my issue that right now, by giving up control. And yes, everyday, and several times a day I have to ask God to take control, I have to relinquish things to him but I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulder and off my heart with this simple truth in my life. I'm continuing on in the book, I love it, I'll read it again and again I'm sure. So, that was the first liberating moment for me. Then, I just decided one day I was done nursing. Josie is 8 months old, I had all intentions of nursing until she was a year old, I just thought it's what seemed right to me. She is my last baby, I wanted to hold onto that bonding, cuddling for as long as possible and well, she just didn't seem interested anymore and something in me just felt done. So we are done. (You can nurse however long you choose, more power to you, and if you choose NOT to nurse, that's fine too...this is a personal thing, not a judgement on ANYONE else.) The next day I was sort of sad, it means my baby days are pretty over. But I felt this huge sense of "Holy crap, it's MY body now!! MINE! MINE! No more boobies belonging to babies, no more chances I'll get pregnant and 'ruin' any weight I have lost!!" I sat in my room for a moment just relieved almost. It's my body, what seems like a little over 5 years, I'm not nursing, I'm not pregnant and there's not a chance I will be pregnant. That stage of my life is over and it's, honestly, liberating to me!! It feels good, I feel good about this decision. I feel excited to move onto the next stage. I feel like DAWN for once! Then, I realized, I have no bras that are not nursing bras, that's right. Between all my kids, even when not nursing, I just kept wearing nursing bras. I will admit I have like three bras, all of which gave me that really stupid, odd, boob muffin top!! You know what I'm talking about? The boobie poof? It's so gross! Of course, my husband didn't see any issues with it. I'm not talking about cleavage, that I don't take issue with, it's the boobie poof, when like the top 2 inches of you boob poof out of your bra because your bra doesn't fit right. Well, to me, it's gross!! I don't want any part of my boob falling out of my bra, the boobie poof is just wrong and should be outlawed (along with the butt crack peak-a-boo, but I cant' figure out why I have that issue and other people don't - do I just have a really long crack?). AND I only have one pair of jeans that fit. So, even though my body was finally mine, I was still stuck in the same clothes, with a muffin top and a boobie poof. So we went out and bought me two new bras and two new jeans!!! So, liberating. I actually WANT to look nice for once. I want to dress sort of in fashion, (the truth is, I have no idea what actually IS in fashion, but I just want to be out of my jeans, tshirts and tennis shoes). So, this was also very liberating to me. I feel free from the mom-clothes!!!! So, that's where I've felt liberated this last week. It's the oddest feeling being free from things that have been pushing me down for a long time. I'm so incredibly excited for what the future has for me, I'm no longer afraid I'm going to be unhealthy (or even fat) forever. I know there's freedom. Over the last many years I have felt free from many things, I know Jesus is my freedom from eternal damnation, He's my freedom from sickness and disease, He's my protector, provider, provision. But for whatever reason I couldn't get it inside my heart that if I give it to Him He will take control of whatever part of my life I need His help with. What have you been liberated from? What's controlling your life that you need freedom from? Is there something that the more you try to control the more of control it gets? There is FREEDOM in Jesus, in His Word, in His love!! | |
Monday, November 19, 2012
Liberated
Some of you may think this is a 'cop out', but be that as it may, it's the truth, and I just need to say it and get it off my chest. There's a lot that's happened to me, internally, the last week or so. First, I started a book called Serenity. It's a book that accompanies AA type stuff. I've felt for about 3 years I've needed to read this book. My mother-in-law was a Pastor at this great little church and her woman's group read through this book many years ago. It struck me as odd at first because I was pretty sure most, if not all of them, were not alcoholics or drug addicts. But when I asked her about it, she said it just helped many of them, herself included, walk through some behaviors and other things of that nature. So, I got the book from her. Within the first chapter I felt completely liberated. Here's what an addiction is: according to modern English dictionary.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Can't hide anymore
I guess it's time to fess up and quit hiding from my blog. You all have missed me right?
Here's what's went down over the last many months. I have lost no weight. I've pretty much maintained, that's good right? But, you know me, it's frustrating. Upon the advice of my doctor and the encouragement of my brothers girlfriend, I signed up from Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago. They have a special, so there's no sign up fee, but you have to sign up for 3 months up front, so it's $20/month basically. Not too bad, that's like a gym membership. I'm still sort of confused by the whole points process, I need to spend some time writing the points on certain things around my house and print out something for the kitchen so I can see, but I like the program to track everything I eat.
The first week I was given a ridiculous amount of points, I had 'told' it that I was nursing part time, which gave me all these extra points, I literally could not eat enough points in a day, so at the end of that week I had gained a pound and decided to edit it and tell it I was not nursing, which puts me in a more reasonable point amount. So, where's the honesty in all of this? Well, I don't keep track of everything. We've had Halloween parties, birthday parties, etc and I FEEL like I did well, but if I was REALLY honest with myself, I only did okay with the eating. Then I catch myself eating a cracker off my kids plate or grabbing a couple chips while I'm cooking dinner and then well, not writing that down. So, yeah, I'm lying to myself, how dumb is this? So, again, I hope to write points on some things so I can see it as I pick it up.
This is a hard time of year, as we all know, but I can have an excuse for every time of year. And I'm not getting sleep again. For whatever reason my two year old has decided she's going to wake up at least twice a night to come into bed with me. If I let her lay with me, it's miserable. If I don't let her lay with me, she constantly gets up. And even though we're 2 months into school, I still haven't gotten used to get up early enough to get all the kids ready to go out the door. How do people do this? What am I going to do next year when it's everyday??!! EEK!
So, this is the month of Thankfulness, I will try to be thankful for things here and then elaborate. I obviously make my facebook status what I'm thankful for (doesn't everyone? you're not cool unless you do!). The first day (yesterday) I said I was thankful for refinancing at 3% and I AM! Plus, we have an FHA loan, which means IF we ever sold, any credit qualified buyers can take over the 3%, wouldn't that be amazing in like 10 years? But I don't really want to move - have you seen my basement, that place is a pain to move?!?! AND this dropped our payment another like $100 - yay and took a big amount off the life of our loan. All great things, however, it did cost us $1000 more than we expected to do the closing. The new mortgage company wanted a couple months buffer in our escrow we weren't prepared for..boooo!! Which put us in a little bit of a bind, but I'm sure it'll work out, I'm just grateful for the 3%! Today I said I was grateful for God's sense of humor. He made us, humans, we fart and fall down and both of those things are hilarious. It's true!
Here's what's went down over the last many months. I have lost no weight. I've pretty much maintained, that's good right? But, you know me, it's frustrating. Upon the advice of my doctor and the encouragement of my brothers girlfriend, I signed up from Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago. They have a special, so there's no sign up fee, but you have to sign up for 3 months up front, so it's $20/month basically. Not too bad, that's like a gym membership. I'm still sort of confused by the whole points process, I need to spend some time writing the points on certain things around my house and print out something for the kitchen so I can see, but I like the program to track everything I eat.
The first week I was given a ridiculous amount of points, I had 'told' it that I was nursing part time, which gave me all these extra points, I literally could not eat enough points in a day, so at the end of that week I had gained a pound and decided to edit it and tell it I was not nursing, which puts me in a more reasonable point amount. So, where's the honesty in all of this? Well, I don't keep track of everything. We've had Halloween parties, birthday parties, etc and I FEEL like I did well, but if I was REALLY honest with myself, I only did okay with the eating. Then I catch myself eating a cracker off my kids plate or grabbing a couple chips while I'm cooking dinner and then well, not writing that down. So, yeah, I'm lying to myself, how dumb is this? So, again, I hope to write points on some things so I can see it as I pick it up.
This is a hard time of year, as we all know, but I can have an excuse for every time of year. And I'm not getting sleep again. For whatever reason my two year old has decided she's going to wake up at least twice a night to come into bed with me. If I let her lay with me, it's miserable. If I don't let her lay with me, she constantly gets up. And even though we're 2 months into school, I still haven't gotten used to get up early enough to get all the kids ready to go out the door. How do people do this? What am I going to do next year when it's everyday??!! EEK!
So, this is the month of Thankfulness, I will try to be thankful for things here and then elaborate. I obviously make my facebook status what I'm thankful for (doesn't everyone? you're not cool unless you do!). The first day (yesterday) I said I was thankful for refinancing at 3% and I AM! Plus, we have an FHA loan, which means IF we ever sold, any credit qualified buyers can take over the 3%, wouldn't that be amazing in like 10 years? But I don't really want to move - have you seen my basement, that place is a pain to move?!?! AND this dropped our payment another like $100 - yay and took a big amount off the life of our loan. All great things, however, it did cost us $1000 more than we expected to do the closing. The new mortgage company wanted a couple months buffer in our escrow we weren't prepared for..boooo!! Which put us in a little bit of a bind, but I'm sure it'll work out, I'm just grateful for the 3%! Today I said I was grateful for God's sense of humor. He made us, humans, we fart and fall down and both of those things are hilarious. It's true!
Friday, July 20, 2012
The Last Two Weeks and Refridgerant
On July 3rd, I went to get my hair cut, as I sat in the chair, looking at those less than flattering mirrors, while the girl farted around to get the cape around me, I looked and saw something I'm less than proud of. I literally felt obese for the first time in my life. And I knew I looked it. I had to fight back tears. I have always been proud that when I do gain weight, I keep my curves, but somehow my curves have developed into rolls, no not delicious dinner rolls (like cheddar bay biscuits), more like those hard, day old, can't take a bite without breaking your tooth, rolls. No one likes those rolls, especially not me. The first thing I did was pick up a candy bar on the way home...I mean, that's totally logical right? I got home and I was distant and honestly mean to my husband, who I had convinced now for the last two months that I was trying to lose weight even though I did very little to actually do it.
The next day I woke up and I'm not sure where the straw was that broke the camels back, but it was probably somewhere between breakfast, cookies and lunch. I sat down on the couch and started to cry to my ever-understanding husband. I had to swallow my pride, which, to me, is harder than swallowing liver or a bug, and I told him I needed his help. Not only is he a math genius (and losing weight is a math game) but he's done this himself and kept it off. He reassured me he'd do whatever I needed his help with and said "Let's start now." Which, you NEVER start NOW!!! Don't you get like a week or so to binge first? And the following day, July 5th, was our anniversary and I didnt' want to "ruin" our anniversary by not being able to go out to eat (and pig out). He made me promise I would not "freak out" on him, which, I'm known to do, often. And this subject is my most touchy. Well, within probably an hour of talking I freaked out him. Not my best moment. The next morning, I was still swallowing my pride, this time for a whole different reason, and finally said I was sorry and we moved on.
I found a journal to write things down (I'm a writer, I'd rather hand write stuff than type any day, okay that's probably not entirely true) and I wanted to make sure it was portable so I could take it with me. I also looked up some food places we could eat, looked up the nutrition information and found a few dishes I could pick from if we went out to eat. And we went on our way, and chose to make it an active date by spending the day crawling and climbing all over the St Louis City Museum. It was fabulous, I sweat all day, ate right and got to spend the day with my biggest supporter.
Fast forward through the week. We had set me up on 1200 calories a day (give or take 100). This was my choice. First, I need it off, I have so much to lose and I knew if I chose 1500 calories, some days I'd creep up to 1600 and that's not really much of a weight loss. I wrote down everything I ate and worked out I think everyday at least for 30 minutes. Well, I basically wrote everything I did/ate in that journal. How much I worked out, if there was something in the day that could throw me off (like a party, or just something that would get me out of my routine) and again, every bite I took. I measured every piece of food and used many online resources to look up calories in fruits and veggies (which obviously isn't on it, like with processed typed food).
The end of the week (a Thursday for me) I weighed in, a little worried, for whatever reason I thought I hadn't done enough. Sure enough I lost 3.8 pounds. I should be happy right? Well, I wasn't, my milk supply has gone away, almost entirely. This made me so sad and upset that it almost made me completely give up again. I was so worried about this and upon doing some research realized I shouldn't have dropped my calories that low and I definitely shouldn't have done it "cold turkey". Meaning, I should have spent a week at 1800, then a week or two at 1500, then finally made it down to 1200. But I pulled myself together, realized she's 4 months old and decided I was just going to continue on with what I was doing, nurse as much as she wanted, supplement if I had to and see what the next two weeks has in store. Hopefully my milk supply won't keep going down, as it has again yet this week. Or maybe I can somehow get it back up.
The biggest downside so far, is that I've taken up diet soda again. It's "calorie free" so when I want something other than water or tea, that has flavor (and caffeine!!!) I drink it, and kind of a lot again. I'm hoping to fix this also. I did like the 2 cups of coffee a day and then the rest water, but I can't drink coffee without creamer and some days I cannot 'afford' those extra calories. However, come to think of it, this may by why my milk supply has fallen, I'm drinking less water than typical. And, for whatever reason when I do start to drink a lot of diet soda, Josie seems to get fussy (which she's not a fussy baby AT ALL). AND I just pledged to "fast" diet soda for the next 30 days in support of my friend battling cancer. So, it HAS to go!
Well, today, as I've decided to weigh in on Fridays, I get on the scale this morning. Now, let's talk through some things here. I can't really get up and take a nice walk/jog before I get on the scale or sit around and try to poop before I get on the scale because I'm woken up at whatever time Josie decides to wake up (lately 3:30 and then again about 5:30/6). So I literally go straight from the bed, pee and then get on the scale. This week I've been not so great about writing stuff down, it's been a lot harder being organized and able to weigh things with my husband being back at work and my kids have REALLY tried my patience this week. And, I've had a hard time making time to work out, I probably worked out 4 - 5 times this week. My milk supply is still low and I was starting to feel super guilty about it and Josie has had some major issues with waking up in the middle of the night (which she hasn't done since 6 weeks old), so it's made me unbearably (is that a word?) tired. So, I get on the scale, my assumption is I probably haven't lost any weight, and I'll just do better next week with my food. Well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My stupid body GAINED 3.4 pounds?!?! Are you freakin' kidding me? Pretty much everything I lost last week and I put it all back on? Why is this even happening? And the crap about muscle weight and water weight and blah blah blah, I know is just to try to make me feel better, well, it doesn't.
So now what do I do? This weight has to come off, it's not a vain thing (even though I dream about the vain stuff sometimes) it's honestly because I'm not healthy and not active and not happy and those things are only going to get worse. I want to give up, I want to crawl into a whole, with donuts and a cake and just hibernate there for a couple days, that is what I WANT to do. But it's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up in the morning, have my 2 cups of coffee, have a couple eggs with Healthy Life bread, drink a ton of water (and maybe some tea) and get myself together.
I sing "Just The Way You Are" (Bruno Mars) to my daughter's multiple times a day, I dont' want them to have body issues and self esteem issues like I've been plagued with all my life, but how can I expect them to feel good about themselves when their mom is unhealthy and doesn't feel good about herself at all....
I'm going to try to post weekly again, and I'm going to try to keep up with the funny things that often happen around my house.....
Like this:
Last week we had a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother-in-law. I just knew we had this left over helium tank from last summer in our basement, so I bought a huge bag of balloons, about an hour before the party guests were going to arrive I sit down to start filling the balloons. First, I think it's weird because the valve for the tank doesn't fit the balloon hole very well, so it's leaking a lot. Hmmm, weird. Then, the balloons are not floating, then are falling, heavy, almost like bricks. Hmmm, weird. Can you have bad helium? So, I suck some air out of a balloon and it makes me gag a little, so I say to my step daughter, "Does my voice sound high?" Which it didn't...at all. Hmmmm, weird. I decide to just give up and blow a few up with just my own hot air and let the kids play with them. I put the tank in the spare room/baby room and move on. Fast forward about 6 hours, my husband comes walking in with the green tank to give to my brother-in-law to use to charge the freon in our air conditioner.... I was totally confused.... Yup, that's right, I sucked refrigerant, like a complete idiot. Thank goodness I didn't freeze my lungs :)
The next day I woke up and I'm not sure where the straw was that broke the camels back, but it was probably somewhere between breakfast, cookies and lunch. I sat down on the couch and started to cry to my ever-understanding husband. I had to swallow my pride, which, to me, is harder than swallowing liver or a bug, and I told him I needed his help. Not only is he a math genius (and losing weight is a math game) but he's done this himself and kept it off. He reassured me he'd do whatever I needed his help with and said "Let's start now." Which, you NEVER start NOW!!! Don't you get like a week or so to binge first? And the following day, July 5th, was our anniversary and I didnt' want to "ruin" our anniversary by not being able to go out to eat (and pig out). He made me promise I would not "freak out" on him, which, I'm known to do, often. And this subject is my most touchy. Well, within probably an hour of talking I freaked out him. Not my best moment. The next morning, I was still swallowing my pride, this time for a whole different reason, and finally said I was sorry and we moved on.
I found a journal to write things down (I'm a writer, I'd rather hand write stuff than type any day, okay that's probably not entirely true) and I wanted to make sure it was portable so I could take it with me. I also looked up some food places we could eat, looked up the nutrition information and found a few dishes I could pick from if we went out to eat. And we went on our way, and chose to make it an active date by spending the day crawling and climbing all over the St Louis City Museum. It was fabulous, I sweat all day, ate right and got to spend the day with my biggest supporter.
Fast forward through the week. We had set me up on 1200 calories a day (give or take 100). This was my choice. First, I need it off, I have so much to lose and I knew if I chose 1500 calories, some days I'd creep up to 1600 and that's not really much of a weight loss. I wrote down everything I ate and worked out I think everyday at least for 30 minutes. Well, I basically wrote everything I did/ate in that journal. How much I worked out, if there was something in the day that could throw me off (like a party, or just something that would get me out of my routine) and again, every bite I took. I measured every piece of food and used many online resources to look up calories in fruits and veggies (which obviously isn't on it, like with processed typed food).
The end of the week (a Thursday for me) I weighed in, a little worried, for whatever reason I thought I hadn't done enough. Sure enough I lost 3.8 pounds. I should be happy right? Well, I wasn't, my milk supply has gone away, almost entirely. This made me so sad and upset that it almost made me completely give up again. I was so worried about this and upon doing some research realized I shouldn't have dropped my calories that low and I definitely shouldn't have done it "cold turkey". Meaning, I should have spent a week at 1800, then a week or two at 1500, then finally made it down to 1200. But I pulled myself together, realized she's 4 months old and decided I was just going to continue on with what I was doing, nurse as much as she wanted, supplement if I had to and see what the next two weeks has in store. Hopefully my milk supply won't keep going down, as it has again yet this week. Or maybe I can somehow get it back up.
The biggest downside so far, is that I've taken up diet soda again. It's "calorie free" so when I want something other than water or tea, that has flavor (and caffeine!!!) I drink it, and kind of a lot again. I'm hoping to fix this also. I did like the 2 cups of coffee a day and then the rest water, but I can't drink coffee without creamer and some days I cannot 'afford' those extra calories. However, come to think of it, this may by why my milk supply has fallen, I'm drinking less water than typical. And, for whatever reason when I do start to drink a lot of diet soda, Josie seems to get fussy (which she's not a fussy baby AT ALL). AND I just pledged to "fast" diet soda for the next 30 days in support of my friend battling cancer. So, it HAS to go!
Well, today, as I've decided to weigh in on Fridays, I get on the scale this morning. Now, let's talk through some things here. I can't really get up and take a nice walk/jog before I get on the scale or sit around and try to poop before I get on the scale because I'm woken up at whatever time Josie decides to wake up (lately 3:30 and then again about 5:30/6). So I literally go straight from the bed, pee and then get on the scale. This week I've been not so great about writing stuff down, it's been a lot harder being organized and able to weigh things with my husband being back at work and my kids have REALLY tried my patience this week. And, I've had a hard time making time to work out, I probably worked out 4 - 5 times this week. My milk supply is still low and I was starting to feel super guilty about it and Josie has had some major issues with waking up in the middle of the night (which she hasn't done since 6 weeks old), so it's made me unbearably (is that a word?) tired. So, I get on the scale, my assumption is I probably haven't lost any weight, and I'll just do better next week with my food. Well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My stupid body GAINED 3.4 pounds?!?! Are you freakin' kidding me? Pretty much everything I lost last week and I put it all back on? Why is this even happening? And the crap about muscle weight and water weight and blah blah blah, I know is just to try to make me feel better, well, it doesn't.
So now what do I do? This weight has to come off, it's not a vain thing (even though I dream about the vain stuff sometimes) it's honestly because I'm not healthy and not active and not happy and those things are only going to get worse. I want to give up, I want to crawl into a whole, with donuts and a cake and just hibernate there for a couple days, that is what I WANT to do. But it's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to get up in the morning, have my 2 cups of coffee, have a couple eggs with Healthy Life bread, drink a ton of water (and maybe some tea) and get myself together.
I sing "Just The Way You Are" (Bruno Mars) to my daughter's multiple times a day, I dont' want them to have body issues and self esteem issues like I've been plagued with all my life, but how can I expect them to feel good about themselves when their mom is unhealthy and doesn't feel good about herself at all....
I'm going to try to post weekly again, and I'm going to try to keep up with the funny things that often happen around my house.....
Like this:
Last week we had a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother-in-law. I just knew we had this left over helium tank from last summer in our basement, so I bought a huge bag of balloons, about an hour before the party guests were going to arrive I sit down to start filling the balloons. First, I think it's weird because the valve for the tank doesn't fit the balloon hole very well, so it's leaking a lot. Hmmm, weird. Then, the balloons are not floating, then are falling, heavy, almost like bricks. Hmmm, weird. Can you have bad helium? So, I suck some air out of a balloon and it makes me gag a little, so I say to my step daughter, "Does my voice sound high?" Which it didn't...at all. Hmmmm, weird. I decide to just give up and blow a few up with just my own hot air and let the kids play with them. I put the tank in the spare room/baby room and move on. Fast forward about 6 hours, my husband comes walking in with the green tank to give to my brother-in-law to use to charge the freon in our air conditioner.... I was totally confused.... Yup, that's right, I sucked refrigerant, like a complete idiot. Thank goodness I didn't freeze my lungs :)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Denial and Delusional
I try to be as transparent as possible in my blog, sometimes it's hard, as it often sounds like I'm complaining rather than just talking through things in my head and releasing them on paper. And sometimes I just sound pure crazy. I have been a journal-er my entire life. In 6th grade our English Teacher required us to write, which I hated then, but eventually realized how easy it was to just get it out - on paper and then it was over! Well, in most cases it was over. After re-reading some old journal entries, I actually lied in them, yup, lied, I don't know why. I always wanted to be cooler than I was so I often made things up to make myself sound cooler, but...no one read it but me, so I was trying to fool myself? Delusional I am. I've often thought about sharing some of my old poems and journal entries and stories that I wrote as a pre-teen/teen because some of them are hilarious (not ha-ha funny but 'I feel sorry for that girl' funny.)
In a recent conversation with my husband I actually said "I'm in a constant state between denial and delusional." The good news, I've actually gotten past guilt. I'm not sure what's better, denial and delusion or guilt. All seem to lead to one common place - I have no will power. Okay, that doesn't even make sense, AT ALL! But the truth is, I'm beginning to really dislike myself (I'm currently working on deleting hate from my vocabulary, we were never allowed to say it as kids and I just don't like the word), I'm not myself at all anymore. I haven't been able to finish a blog post in a long time, I delete my facebook status updates probably 10 times a day without ever posting them, I am DREADING the idea of going to church tomorrow and then a picnic after because I can't get away with wearing sweat pants or gym shorts and a baggie stained t-shirt. I actually have to put on jeans and a nice top. I don't have one pair of shorts or capri's that fit me so I have to wear jeans everywhere, which, in case you don't know the entire country is having an insane heat wave. And most of the shirts I own are also slightly too small. And let's not even talk about nursing bras, which are usually the most comfortable bras on the planet, nope, not at all, it makes me look like I have three sets of back boobs... And, YES, I'm too cheap to buy any new stuff, and well, we're a very big family on one income so my clothes needs are usually the last ones taken care of.
Just the other day my husband took a picture of me and my gorgeous baby girl, which should be a good thing, it's not. I'm so great at taking 'self portraits'. I mean I should get paid for it, it's one of my best talents. So I can make myself look pretty amazing, but, I was at a bad angle and well, my face was HUGE! I honestly looked like a gorilla, that is how huge my face looked. I think I had probably 2 side chins. Even my eyebrows looked fat, I was purely disgusted by it. I know, I know, I'm being really hard on myself and I'm a 'pretty' girl, but it's gotten beyond looks at this point. I have zero confidence, zero motivation, zero energy, zero lots of things. And I think about how terrible I feel (and look) that it consumes me, all the time. I'm either thinking about food or thinking about how I can avoid working out.
The working out, isn't actually the hard part to me, yes, it sucks working out when I have lists and lists of things to do or I have one more kid crying or whining while I'm trying to work out, but I can typically get at least a 30 minute work out in 5 days a week. I would like to be a jogger/runner again, so that is the hard part, most of my working out has to be inside because I have my kids 24/7, but whatever a work out is a work out. The eating, it's the eating that's really doing me in. I eat, all the time. I tell people "I'm just so hungry", it's not really true. Yes, I am hungrier than I used to be and nursing does make women hungrier than normal, but I'm really not as hungry as I like to tell people. I'm not really sure if I'm bored (which seems completely impossible), or I'm stressed or what I am. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why I can't walk past the pantry without eating a cookie. Yes, get the out of the house, would make perfect sense, but I also believe that I need to learn to do this in the midst of temptation and just life.
So, that's where I'm at, I slowly keep gaining weight, I quit weighing myself a couple weeks ago because I thought I had an okay week and gained 4 pounds - which equals about 14,000 EXTRA calories that week, which is totally impossible (and that's if I did no exercise, which I did work out that week....so....) and it destroyed any bit of confidence I was starting to feel. I'm getting jigglier, which is so gross, my clothes look terrible, even my 'go to' fat clothes looks hideous right now. I even gave up wearing make up unless at church because I've lost pretty much every ounce of confidence I've ever had. I really don't know what to do....I dont' want to give up, this I know but it almost seems like I have without actually saying I have.
I do know this, there will be quite possibly FOUR super important people I love soooo much getting married in the next 3 months to 18 months (give or take) and the thought of looking like this makes me want to tell each of them that I cant' be in their weddings (I've always wanted to be in a wedding!!!) so....do you think that realization made me do something different today? No... WHY?!? UGH!
P.S. My husband would be proud, I just hit the 'spell check' and not one word was spelled wrong. I guess it's a good thing there's not a grammar check!
In a recent conversation with my husband I actually said "I'm in a constant state between denial and delusional." The good news, I've actually gotten past guilt. I'm not sure what's better, denial and delusion or guilt. All seem to lead to one common place - I have no will power. Okay, that doesn't even make sense, AT ALL! But the truth is, I'm beginning to really dislike myself (I'm currently working on deleting hate from my vocabulary, we were never allowed to say it as kids and I just don't like the word), I'm not myself at all anymore. I haven't been able to finish a blog post in a long time, I delete my facebook status updates probably 10 times a day without ever posting them, I am DREADING the idea of going to church tomorrow and then a picnic after because I can't get away with wearing sweat pants or gym shorts and a baggie stained t-shirt. I actually have to put on jeans and a nice top. I don't have one pair of shorts or capri's that fit me so I have to wear jeans everywhere, which, in case you don't know the entire country is having an insane heat wave. And most of the shirts I own are also slightly too small. And let's not even talk about nursing bras, which are usually the most comfortable bras on the planet, nope, not at all, it makes me look like I have three sets of back boobs... And, YES, I'm too cheap to buy any new stuff, and well, we're a very big family on one income so my clothes needs are usually the last ones taken care of.
Just the other day my husband took a picture of me and my gorgeous baby girl, which should be a good thing, it's not. I'm so great at taking 'self portraits'. I mean I should get paid for it, it's one of my best talents. So I can make myself look pretty amazing, but, I was at a bad angle and well, my face was HUGE! I honestly looked like a gorilla, that is how huge my face looked. I think I had probably 2 side chins. Even my eyebrows looked fat, I was purely disgusted by it. I know, I know, I'm being really hard on myself and I'm a 'pretty' girl, but it's gotten beyond looks at this point. I have zero confidence, zero motivation, zero energy, zero lots of things. And I think about how terrible I feel (and look) that it consumes me, all the time. I'm either thinking about food or thinking about how I can avoid working out.
The working out, isn't actually the hard part to me, yes, it sucks working out when I have lists and lists of things to do or I have one more kid crying or whining while I'm trying to work out, but I can typically get at least a 30 minute work out in 5 days a week. I would like to be a jogger/runner again, so that is the hard part, most of my working out has to be inside because I have my kids 24/7, but whatever a work out is a work out. The eating, it's the eating that's really doing me in. I eat, all the time. I tell people "I'm just so hungry", it's not really true. Yes, I am hungrier than I used to be and nursing does make women hungrier than normal, but I'm really not as hungry as I like to tell people. I'm not really sure if I'm bored (which seems completely impossible), or I'm stressed or what I am. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why I can't walk past the pantry without eating a cookie. Yes, get the out of the house, would make perfect sense, but I also believe that I need to learn to do this in the midst of temptation and just life.
So, that's where I'm at, I slowly keep gaining weight, I quit weighing myself a couple weeks ago because I thought I had an okay week and gained 4 pounds - which equals about 14,000 EXTRA calories that week, which is totally impossible (and that's if I did no exercise, which I did work out that week....so....) and it destroyed any bit of confidence I was starting to feel. I'm getting jigglier, which is so gross, my clothes look terrible, even my 'go to' fat clothes looks hideous right now. I even gave up wearing make up unless at church because I've lost pretty much every ounce of confidence I've ever had. I really don't know what to do....I dont' want to give up, this I know but it almost seems like I have without actually saying I have.
I do know this, there will be quite possibly FOUR super important people I love soooo much getting married in the next 3 months to 18 months (give or take) and the thought of looking like this makes me want to tell each of them that I cant' be in their weddings (I've always wanted to be in a wedding!!!) so....do you think that realization made me do something different today? No... WHY?!? UGH!
P.S. My husband would be proud, I just hit the 'spell check' and not one word was spelled wrong. I guess it's a good thing there's not a grammar check!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
What Can I Do?
I feel like I am busy all day long and absolutely nothing gets done. This, apparently, is very normal for moms. This sort of chaos those puts me in a little bit of a panic, which causes anxiety, which often causes me to eat more. Yes, I am an emotional eater, no ifs, ands or buts about it. There is never NOT a reason to eat as far as I'm concerned. We are now a month from when I "decided" that I was going to gift myself the present of a healthy person, nope, haven't done it. This is probably the one thing in life I should quit procrastinating. (Procrastination is another one of those skills I'm amazing at, like changing the subject and crying on command.)
I did, hurray me, give up diet soda/aspartame. After I gave it up, I officially became a coffee drinker. I have two cups every morning, with creamer (duh! How do people drink it without creamer?). And then water the rest of the day. After the initial 4 - 6 days of getting all the junk out of my body I felt better. Then I desperately needed caffeine and I "relapsed". I felt like crap for another couple days, I almost immediately got a headache and I even noticed a change in behavior of Josie (remember, she's being nursed). She wasn't sleeping as well during the day and just plain fussy. So, I stopped drinking it again. Then I gave myself the leniency to drink regular soda, which not only is loaded with calories but is not exactly good for me. But, after drinking a couple of those, I could just feel the yuck in my body and have only had one soda (regular) in probably 5 days and no diet soda for at least 12 days. I'd love to say "I feel like a million bucks!" But, first, I have no idea what a million bucks feels like. And when people say this, do they mean the actual physical FEEL of the dollars or do they mean it like personified or do they mean what it would feel like to OWN a million bucks? And second, I still want soda, until I remember the headaches and what not and then decide I don't. The only drinking water thing is sort of getting to me (let's be honest, water is boring and I don't exactly like any of those flavor things for water). I do sometimes have tea, but it's really just water with leaves boiled into it...still boring....
I have been exercising at least 4 days a weeks. Sometimes a 45 minute walk, sometimes a 25 minute all body work out. Nothing to write home about (ha). But, at least I'm doing something.
So, let's recap. 8+ years ago I gave up smoking, cold turkey. Not a side effect (well, unless you count the million pounds I put on...yeah, okay, so one side effect). I quit drinking diet soda, which I honestly never thought I'd give up, I thought I'd just cut back and that's as far as it would go. But, I cannot stop myself from eating pretty much everything I see and then some. How is this possible? I get it, somewhat, that food is actually a necessary evil. I have to eat to survive, I do not have to smoke or drink soda to survive. But, I do not have to eat 1823901283 cookies to survive, at least, as far as I know I don't.
And this morning I was thinking about evolution, which I don't believe, and here is my reason why. (Well, there's a lot of reasons, but here's the one I will discuss right now, which is not backed by any scientific fact - shocked?) If we have an obesity epidemic in our society, why are there not callouses in our inner thighs? Yup, that's right, this would totally avoid the 'chub rub', the chafing. Or..OMG, will I eventually develop a callous? Will I be like 80 and have inner thigh callouses cause they've been rubbing together for so dang long?! EEK!
Luckily I have a friend at church, who's been so super supportive and encouraging. She's lost weight, twice actually (after her last two kids), and she's full of energy and life and has recently quit smoking too! And she texts me pretty much everyday to remind me to work out. She's never judgy and always encouraging, it's been great. And when I text her that I did before she texts me so always very proud of me. I never thought this was something I'd like, but it's been very helpful.
So, now, we combat the food and how do we do that? With the grace and mercy of God alone!
I did, hurray me, give up diet soda/aspartame. After I gave it up, I officially became a coffee drinker. I have two cups every morning, with creamer (duh! How do people drink it without creamer?). And then water the rest of the day. After the initial 4 - 6 days of getting all the junk out of my body I felt better. Then I desperately needed caffeine and I "relapsed". I felt like crap for another couple days, I almost immediately got a headache and I even noticed a change in behavior of Josie (remember, she's being nursed). She wasn't sleeping as well during the day and just plain fussy. So, I stopped drinking it again. Then I gave myself the leniency to drink regular soda, which not only is loaded with calories but is not exactly good for me. But, after drinking a couple of those, I could just feel the yuck in my body and have only had one soda (regular) in probably 5 days and no diet soda for at least 12 days. I'd love to say "I feel like a million bucks!" But, first, I have no idea what a million bucks feels like. And when people say this, do they mean the actual physical FEEL of the dollars or do they mean it like personified or do they mean what it would feel like to OWN a million bucks? And second, I still want soda, until I remember the headaches and what not and then decide I don't. The only drinking water thing is sort of getting to me (let's be honest, water is boring and I don't exactly like any of those flavor things for water). I do sometimes have tea, but it's really just water with leaves boiled into it...still boring....
I have been exercising at least 4 days a weeks. Sometimes a 45 minute walk, sometimes a 25 minute all body work out. Nothing to write home about (ha). But, at least I'm doing something.
So, let's recap. 8+ years ago I gave up smoking, cold turkey. Not a side effect (well, unless you count the million pounds I put on...yeah, okay, so one side effect). I quit drinking diet soda, which I honestly never thought I'd give up, I thought I'd just cut back and that's as far as it would go. But, I cannot stop myself from eating pretty much everything I see and then some. How is this possible? I get it, somewhat, that food is actually a necessary evil. I have to eat to survive, I do not have to smoke or drink soda to survive. But, I do not have to eat 1823901283 cookies to survive, at least, as far as I know I don't.
And this morning I was thinking about evolution, which I don't believe, and here is my reason why. (Well, there's a lot of reasons, but here's the one I will discuss right now, which is not backed by any scientific fact - shocked?) If we have an obesity epidemic in our society, why are there not callouses in our inner thighs? Yup, that's right, this would totally avoid the 'chub rub', the chafing. Or..OMG, will I eventually develop a callous? Will I be like 80 and have inner thigh callouses cause they've been rubbing together for so dang long?! EEK!
Luckily I have a friend at church, who's been so super supportive and encouraging. She's lost weight, twice actually (after her last two kids), and she's full of energy and life and has recently quit smoking too! And she texts me pretty much everyday to remind me to work out. She's never judgy and always encouraging, it's been great. And when I text her that I did before she texts me so always very proud of me. I never thought this was something I'd like, but it's been very helpful.
So, now, we combat the food and how do we do that? With the grace and mercy of God alone!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Run Way Walk and Skinny Clothes
I hesitate posting about losing weight again. Why? Well, because even though I didn't FAIL last time, I can seriously under quota. If it was a job, I would have fired myself. It may seem all fun and games and like I'm all open and what not, but it's nerve wracking putting myself out there like this and letting it all hang out...literally...sometimes.
It all starts the same, I feel motivated and even happy about getting healthy, I'm excited, I dream about how my life will be when I'm all thin and amazing. Well, the truth is, outside of wearing smaller clothes, feeling more confident and spending less money on groceries, my actual life will pretty much be the same. I will still feel crazy some days with my children, I will still have the same amazing husband, I will still probably have those 5 annoying hairs that keep popping up on my chin and yup, I will still wear my hair in a pony tail pretty much every day (much to the dismay of my husband).
So, about a month ago, I decided it was time to give up the diet soda, basically give up aspartame in general. I've known for years it was terrible for me, I mean TERRIBLE for me, google it (I wouldn't normally tell anyone to google things because it can be scary and misleading but look it up, or better yet, ask your doctor or a nutritionist). So, what do most junkies do when they are giving up something? They binge, and that's what I did, yup, my husband even sort of called me out on it. I drank all the diet dr pepper in the house and even went and bought a few diet pepsi. My thoughts, I will end on May 1st, this will be my birthday present to myself, the best gift I could give myself. I started to prep myself for this, encouraging myself, telling myself how amazing I'm going to feel, speaking to my body, putting out positive words for myself. Well, I ran out of diet soda before May 1st. At first, I thought, "OMG, I'm going to get another 12 pack, I DESERVE this before I officially give it up." WRONG, what my body deserves is health, period, point blank. I mean, I have to be realistic and take all of this one step at a time. I'm a nursing mom, I can't expect to drop my calories to 1200 a day and not be completely starving, plus it'll drop my milk supply, so that would be pretty stupid. But what I CAN do is get rid of some crap I'm eating and drinking and go for some walks.
So I went for a walk today, as I've done now a few times. I'm not quite 8 weeks from a c section and tubal ligation (as a note, it hurts WAY worse to get both at the same time, than just one or the other, but of course, it's the smartest thing to do when you are DONE having kids, as I am), so anyway, I still get sore, often. I don't have pain meds left, I'm honestly afraid my doctor will think I'm a junky if I ask for another prescription (I mean I am a diet soda junky, is that like the gateway drug to prescription pain med addiction?). I put on my headphones, found my favorites list, which needs some major updating and editing, but I did. I found angry 90's white boy music and shameful Pop music, my two favorite genres to walk/jog too and it was great. Then, I did what I always do when I'm walking, I pretending I was practicing my run way walk for when I try out for America's Next Top Model "Old, Overweight and Short-ish" Season. Sounds plausible. I haven't quite figured out if anyone outside of my head knows what I'm doing but I pretty much don't care. Oh and I've never walked in heels, so this season of AMTM would also have to be no heels needed, of course. The walk felt great, at first, by the end of it I was pretty sore, but I did it, and it's the small things right now. I went further than normal and decided to "engage my core", that was, obviously, ripped opened just 8 weeks ago, ouch! I live in a gorgeous subdivision. I do wish I could walk completely around our lake, but I can't. But probably the worst thing about it is that so many people let their dogs run wild. I do like dogs, and maybe one day I will own one, but I do not love strange dogs running at me barking like they are gonna bite my legs off. Today however, all the dogs were well behaved and I'm beginning to figure out what houses have crazy dogs and which ones just have dogs who lay there.
I also decided to go through my closet about a week ago, it's been maternity clothes and baggy clothes for a while now, plus each time I go through it I find more stuff to get rid of, and I LOVE LOVE to declutter, I don't necessarily like cleaning but getting rid of stuff makes me super happy! So I pull two tubs marked "seasonal clothes" which...should be marked "too small for you". These clothes range from my skinniest, to clothes that are JUST below when I am now and in my head I feel like I should be in them "any minute". There's been times when I've looked at my skinny clothes (and not so skinny clothes) and just been sad, but today I was excited to see them, to remind myself of how dang cute they are and tell them that I will see them soon. So, I asked my husband to pull up my 'skinny' pictures, which he did. They did not depress me, as they normally do. I didn't think "oh, I will never see you again" I actually got excited to see where I was headed. And I reminsced about what I did when I was wearing what outfit and I actually remember thinking did my torso get longer in the last 10 years? Or did I seriously wear shirts this short? I kept some of them, I'm not sure why. Things are in totally different places now...
Here's a disturbing revelation I had: Um, I have NO style or any remote sense of fashion for when I do have to buy new clothes. I've spend the last 4 1/2 years being a stay at home mom so I rarely wear anything outside of yoga pants and a tshirt and before then my favorite thing to wear was jeans, a tank top and flip flops, that's it (which will still be my favorite thing and probably more than half of the $1000 my husband promised I could spend as a reward to myself will go to that, but I mean beyond that). So, I've asked my brothers girlfriend to help me out, she is always dressed so great, she has style. She said we could just go now and get new clothes, I had to let her know, that if we did that she'd quickly find me in the dressing room, crying, in a corner sucking my thumb. It's the truth. I have one pair of jeans that are the biggest size I've ever had to buy, it's the only one of two pairs of jeans that fit me, well, any pants beyond yoga pants. I have NO intention of buying another pair of jeans that size - EVER!
Today, being the day before Mother's Day, I had a couple dollars at Kohl's to spend, so we decided to go. We had all three kids with us, we had them out all morning going to garage sales, we had already stopped at Target and we still needed to stop at Aldi and Kroger...so...they did not do so great, but we made it. So I had on my biggest jeans, and was just planning on getting a shirt or even a pair of shoes, but I found a few pair of jeans on the clearance rack and decided "what the heck" and tried on a pair 2 sizes smaller than what I had on...which I remember getting at Kohl's. They were stretch jeans and a little long, but to my surprise they fit! I couldn't even believe it...they are SLIGHTLY snug, but 'second day jeans' are always the best anyway. (Let me quickly explain 'second day jeans' - well, it's exactly what it says. The second day you wear a pair of jeans, to me, they are always more comfortable - always, even when I was thin, more comfortable!). So, anyway. I decide to go to the Junior's department (I was in misses - I figure I'm 32 now, I should probably stop shopping in the Junior's department - okay - maybe - one day...who knows.). I pick up a bunch of other jeans on the clearance rack, one number bigger (junior's are odd numbers, misses are even numbers) and I couldn't get them over my booty! WHAT?! Stupid clothes. Luckily, I had already tried on the other pair so I was way less traumatized as I would have been. I thought, "I'm going home and gonna try on all my clothes this size and the bigger size". Then I talked myself out of it...smart move. I did try on a dress that I had at home, wasn't pretty but, again, not traumatizing.
I honestly can't be the only woman traumatized when trying on clothes? Even skinny girls have to go through things when they try on clothes, not all clothes are made for all body types. I guess, at least they can find sizes that fit at pretty much every store, but I cant' imagine the same thing that looks good on a girl with curves looks as good as a girl without. Or clothes than look good on girls with long legs (not me) look good on girls with short legs. So, I'm sure we ALL have moments. And here's another thing, mens sizes are ALWAYS the same. When it says 32 in one brand, it's 32 in another brand, it's not a guess, guys can fit in 32's in any brand. Nope, not girls if it says 10 in one brand, you might have to buy a 12 or 14 in another brand for a pair of jeans or maybe on those good days (as I had today) you can wear an 8 (no, not the size I bought today....I wish)! I think in the UK all sizes are done how the mens' are here in the US, which I hope means there's no guessing!
The rambling is out of control tonight!
It all starts the same, I feel motivated and even happy about getting healthy, I'm excited, I dream about how my life will be when I'm all thin and amazing. Well, the truth is, outside of wearing smaller clothes, feeling more confident and spending less money on groceries, my actual life will pretty much be the same. I will still feel crazy some days with my children, I will still have the same amazing husband, I will still probably have those 5 annoying hairs that keep popping up on my chin and yup, I will still wear my hair in a pony tail pretty much every day (much to the dismay of my husband).
So, about a month ago, I decided it was time to give up the diet soda, basically give up aspartame in general. I've known for years it was terrible for me, I mean TERRIBLE for me, google it (I wouldn't normally tell anyone to google things because it can be scary and misleading but look it up, or better yet, ask your doctor or a nutritionist). So, what do most junkies do when they are giving up something? They binge, and that's what I did, yup, my husband even sort of called me out on it. I drank all the diet dr pepper in the house and even went and bought a few diet pepsi. My thoughts, I will end on May 1st, this will be my birthday present to myself, the best gift I could give myself. I started to prep myself for this, encouraging myself, telling myself how amazing I'm going to feel, speaking to my body, putting out positive words for myself. Well, I ran out of diet soda before May 1st. At first, I thought, "OMG, I'm going to get another 12 pack, I DESERVE this before I officially give it up." WRONG, what my body deserves is health, period, point blank. I mean, I have to be realistic and take all of this one step at a time. I'm a nursing mom, I can't expect to drop my calories to 1200 a day and not be completely starving, plus it'll drop my milk supply, so that would be pretty stupid. But what I CAN do is get rid of some crap I'm eating and drinking and go for some walks.
So I went for a walk today, as I've done now a few times. I'm not quite 8 weeks from a c section and tubal ligation (as a note, it hurts WAY worse to get both at the same time, than just one or the other, but of course, it's the smartest thing to do when you are DONE having kids, as I am), so anyway, I still get sore, often. I don't have pain meds left, I'm honestly afraid my doctor will think I'm a junky if I ask for another prescription (I mean I am a diet soda junky, is that like the gateway drug to prescription pain med addiction?). I put on my headphones, found my favorites list, which needs some major updating and editing, but I did. I found angry 90's white boy music and shameful Pop music, my two favorite genres to walk/jog too and it was great. Then, I did what I always do when I'm walking, I pretending I was practicing my run way walk for when I try out for America's Next Top Model "Old, Overweight and Short-ish" Season. Sounds plausible. I haven't quite figured out if anyone outside of my head knows what I'm doing but I pretty much don't care. Oh and I've never walked in heels, so this season of AMTM would also have to be no heels needed, of course. The walk felt great, at first, by the end of it I was pretty sore, but I did it, and it's the small things right now. I went further than normal and decided to "engage my core", that was, obviously, ripped opened just 8 weeks ago, ouch! I live in a gorgeous subdivision. I do wish I could walk completely around our lake, but I can't. But probably the worst thing about it is that so many people let their dogs run wild. I do like dogs, and maybe one day I will own one, but I do not love strange dogs running at me barking like they are gonna bite my legs off. Today however, all the dogs were well behaved and I'm beginning to figure out what houses have crazy dogs and which ones just have dogs who lay there.
I also decided to go through my closet about a week ago, it's been maternity clothes and baggy clothes for a while now, plus each time I go through it I find more stuff to get rid of, and I LOVE LOVE to declutter, I don't necessarily like cleaning but getting rid of stuff makes me super happy! So I pull two tubs marked "seasonal clothes" which...should be marked "too small for you". These clothes range from my skinniest, to clothes that are JUST below when I am now and in my head I feel like I should be in them "any minute". There's been times when I've looked at my skinny clothes (and not so skinny clothes) and just been sad, but today I was excited to see them, to remind myself of how dang cute they are and tell them that I will see them soon. So, I asked my husband to pull up my 'skinny' pictures, which he did. They did not depress me, as they normally do. I didn't think "oh, I will never see you again" I actually got excited to see where I was headed. And I reminsced about what I did when I was wearing what outfit and I actually remember thinking did my torso get longer in the last 10 years? Or did I seriously wear shirts this short? I kept some of them, I'm not sure why. Things are in totally different places now...
Here's a disturbing revelation I had: Um, I have NO style or any remote sense of fashion for when I do have to buy new clothes. I've spend the last 4 1/2 years being a stay at home mom so I rarely wear anything outside of yoga pants and a tshirt and before then my favorite thing to wear was jeans, a tank top and flip flops, that's it (which will still be my favorite thing and probably more than half of the $1000 my husband promised I could spend as a reward to myself will go to that, but I mean beyond that). So, I've asked my brothers girlfriend to help me out, she is always dressed so great, she has style. She said we could just go now and get new clothes, I had to let her know, that if we did that she'd quickly find me in the dressing room, crying, in a corner sucking my thumb. It's the truth. I have one pair of jeans that are the biggest size I've ever had to buy, it's the only one of two pairs of jeans that fit me, well, any pants beyond yoga pants. I have NO intention of buying another pair of jeans that size - EVER!
Today, being the day before Mother's Day, I had a couple dollars at Kohl's to spend, so we decided to go. We had all three kids with us, we had them out all morning going to garage sales, we had already stopped at Target and we still needed to stop at Aldi and Kroger...so...they did not do so great, but we made it. So I had on my biggest jeans, and was just planning on getting a shirt or even a pair of shoes, but I found a few pair of jeans on the clearance rack and decided "what the heck" and tried on a pair 2 sizes smaller than what I had on...which I remember getting at Kohl's. They were stretch jeans and a little long, but to my surprise they fit! I couldn't even believe it...they are SLIGHTLY snug, but 'second day jeans' are always the best anyway. (Let me quickly explain 'second day jeans' - well, it's exactly what it says. The second day you wear a pair of jeans, to me, they are always more comfortable - always, even when I was thin, more comfortable!). So, anyway. I decide to go to the Junior's department (I was in misses - I figure I'm 32 now, I should probably stop shopping in the Junior's department - okay - maybe - one day...who knows.). I pick up a bunch of other jeans on the clearance rack, one number bigger (junior's are odd numbers, misses are even numbers) and I couldn't get them over my booty! WHAT?! Stupid clothes. Luckily, I had already tried on the other pair so I was way less traumatized as I would have been. I thought, "I'm going home and gonna try on all my clothes this size and the bigger size". Then I talked myself out of it...smart move. I did try on a dress that I had at home, wasn't pretty but, again, not traumatizing.
I honestly can't be the only woman traumatized when trying on clothes? Even skinny girls have to go through things when they try on clothes, not all clothes are made for all body types. I guess, at least they can find sizes that fit at pretty much every store, but I cant' imagine the same thing that looks good on a girl with curves looks as good as a girl without. Or clothes than look good on girls with long legs (not me) look good on girls with short legs. So, I'm sure we ALL have moments. And here's another thing, mens sizes are ALWAYS the same. When it says 32 in one brand, it's 32 in another brand, it's not a guess, guys can fit in 32's in any brand. Nope, not girls if it says 10 in one brand, you might have to buy a 12 or 14 in another brand for a pair of jeans or maybe on those good days (as I had today) you can wear an 8 (no, not the size I bought today....I wish)! I think in the UK all sizes are done how the mens' are here in the US, which I hope means there's no guessing!
The rambling is out of control tonight!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Disappointment and Excuses
I turned 32 on Sunday, so as a gift to myself I was I decided I was going to get healthy. Okay, I've been "deciding" this for YEARS and haven't gotten far, so I'm not sure why I keep picking these moments that I think will change something in my head. I'm not sure where the connection between "yes, I'm going to do this" and putting in the hard work fails, miserably.
So, I didn't get a chance to weigh in before I started so I probably won't weigh in tomorrow. I have another doctors appointment next week and they always weigh me, so I'll just see what happened since the last time I was there and go from there.
Obviously being disappointed in myself I would like to now just get my excuses out of the way, because I have plenty of them.
I just had a baby, not "just" but just. She's 8 1/2 weeks old. It was my third c section and I had a tubal ligation (which, if you don't know will make your c/s a million times more painful to recover from...if you want to know what they do for a tubal ligation during a c/s, just ask, but I won't gross everyone out.) I feel fully recovered in that area, even though I do get sore if I push it, but nothing that I can't handle. She doesn't have a schedule yet. She does sleep at least 6 hours straight at night, but goes to bed at different times. And sometimes she sleeps 8 or 9 hours and sometimes it takes her an hour to go back to sleep after waking up. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep for another couple hours, sometimes for just an hour or less. So, it makes it somewhat difficult to get up first thing in the morning, go for a walk and get my breakfast eaten.
I'm nursing, now this doesn't sound like a legitimate excuse, but here's the deal. First, Josie had thrush, second I got mastitis, and then I gave myself food poisoning. And through the mastitis I've become insanely sore while nursing, but that's not really an excuse not to lose weight, although it does make me sedentary more than I'd prefer to be. Nursing can burn up to 500 calories a day, which is positive right? Well, it also makes me so crazy hungry.
I know it's important when you cut calories to eat slower. Well, when breakfast, lunch and dinner are eaten with a crying baby, I literally inhale my food. She's such a great baby, but for whatever reason she knows when I'm eating and wants to wake up and me to hold her. Or she wants to eat again, so my food is either eaten really fast, or eaten cold and an hour or so after I want to eat it. Yes, ideally, I'd like to have breakfast by 9, lunch by 12, snack at 3, dinner by 6/6:30 and then a snack around 9. That NEVER happens, sometimes I don't even eat dinner until 9 and I know how terrible that is.
Yes, I could have taken the last 30 minutes I sat here writing to do some push ups, or plank (gotta get my back stronger) or cleaning (which burns some calories) or whatever, but do I not deserve anytime to do my own things? Or, sit the solution, making exercise and preparing good meals my 'own thing'? Maybe I've just answered my own dilemna. Plus, Josie's only sort of sleeping in the swing, there's always this thing that I hate getting started on something and then getting interrupted and let's be honest, Josie is not the only kid I have around here. The other two are still as needy as ever.
I will say that I have given up aspartame, well, as much of it as I can. I dont' drink diet soda anymore and I gave up all those Crystal Light type stuff. I drink a lot of water, like pretty much that's it. I have been drinking two cups of coffee a day, but I somehow broke the coffee pot, so the last two day it's been only water. I thought this was supposed to make you feel full and keep my energy up and all these things, I've got none of that...none!
I, by no means, regret my decision to have another baby, or to have three babies. If I have to use the word regret, I'd just say I regret this weight ever coming on me again after I lost it nine or ten years ago. And when I was losing some of it after I had Isaac and then just for whatever reason giving up and putting it all back on.
Does anyone know what "THAT" is? You know the connection that makes it such a strong desire in your head and even in my heart, but I can't pull it out in my daily life? How I make it my priority? So, what do I do now? I'm 100% disappointed in my first week and I have excuses to last for the next 6 months at least....
I thought knowing that I have no clothes that fit me would also be enough to get me moving. Nope! I have two pair of pants (other than my lazy pants) that fit. A pair of 'skinny' jeans (why do they even call them these, they are huge), that I'm about a week or two away from chub-rubbing through and then a pair of jeans, they are not great. They are too long, they are the biggest size I've ever had to buy in my life, and I have to wear them too high on my waist, ugh, they are stupid. But those are the only two pants that fit me right now. And as far as shirts go, they are not awesome either. Most of them are too small, the ones that do fit dont' look right with the only pants that fit me, so yeah, that SHOULD be enough to get me off my butt, but it's not. What is that?!?! ugh!
And I need to be 100% realistic, I have kids around and other people living in the house, so I can't exactly just remove all the tempting things from it. This is real life, I have to figure out what is going on that I can't seem to get it togther. I try to motivate myself, read other people's success story, I mean I live with a success story, my husband lost 50 pounds 5+ years ago and has kept it off.
So, what do I do? Keep going? I mean, I'm not really doing anything, there's no "keeping" to laziness, procrastination and eating whatever I want.... I guess the truth is, I won't give up. And if I want to quit complaining about it, I have to DO something about it...right? Complaining will get me no where, only hard work, dedication and will power is going to do anything for me.
So, I didn't get a chance to weigh in before I started so I probably won't weigh in tomorrow. I have another doctors appointment next week and they always weigh me, so I'll just see what happened since the last time I was there and go from there.
Obviously being disappointed in myself I would like to now just get my excuses out of the way, because I have plenty of them.
I just had a baby, not "just" but just. She's 8 1/2 weeks old. It was my third c section and I had a tubal ligation (which, if you don't know will make your c/s a million times more painful to recover from...if you want to know what they do for a tubal ligation during a c/s, just ask, but I won't gross everyone out.) I feel fully recovered in that area, even though I do get sore if I push it, but nothing that I can't handle. She doesn't have a schedule yet. She does sleep at least 6 hours straight at night, but goes to bed at different times. And sometimes she sleeps 8 or 9 hours and sometimes it takes her an hour to go back to sleep after waking up. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep for another couple hours, sometimes for just an hour or less. So, it makes it somewhat difficult to get up first thing in the morning, go for a walk and get my breakfast eaten.
I'm nursing, now this doesn't sound like a legitimate excuse, but here's the deal. First, Josie had thrush, second I got mastitis, and then I gave myself food poisoning. And through the mastitis I've become insanely sore while nursing, but that's not really an excuse not to lose weight, although it does make me sedentary more than I'd prefer to be. Nursing can burn up to 500 calories a day, which is positive right? Well, it also makes me so crazy hungry.
I know it's important when you cut calories to eat slower. Well, when breakfast, lunch and dinner are eaten with a crying baby, I literally inhale my food. She's such a great baby, but for whatever reason she knows when I'm eating and wants to wake up and me to hold her. Or she wants to eat again, so my food is either eaten really fast, or eaten cold and an hour or so after I want to eat it. Yes, ideally, I'd like to have breakfast by 9, lunch by 12, snack at 3, dinner by 6/6:30 and then a snack around 9. That NEVER happens, sometimes I don't even eat dinner until 9 and I know how terrible that is.
Yes, I could have taken the last 30 minutes I sat here writing to do some push ups, or plank (gotta get my back stronger) or cleaning (which burns some calories) or whatever, but do I not deserve anytime to do my own things? Or, sit the solution, making exercise and preparing good meals my 'own thing'? Maybe I've just answered my own dilemna. Plus, Josie's only sort of sleeping in the swing, there's always this thing that I hate getting started on something and then getting interrupted and let's be honest, Josie is not the only kid I have around here. The other two are still as needy as ever.
I will say that I have given up aspartame, well, as much of it as I can. I dont' drink diet soda anymore and I gave up all those Crystal Light type stuff. I drink a lot of water, like pretty much that's it. I have been drinking two cups of coffee a day, but I somehow broke the coffee pot, so the last two day it's been only water. I thought this was supposed to make you feel full and keep my energy up and all these things, I've got none of that...none!
I, by no means, regret my decision to have another baby, or to have three babies. If I have to use the word regret, I'd just say I regret this weight ever coming on me again after I lost it nine or ten years ago. And when I was losing some of it after I had Isaac and then just for whatever reason giving up and putting it all back on.
Does anyone know what "THAT" is? You know the connection that makes it such a strong desire in your head and even in my heart, but I can't pull it out in my daily life? How I make it my priority? So, what do I do now? I'm 100% disappointed in my first week and I have excuses to last for the next 6 months at least....
I thought knowing that I have no clothes that fit me would also be enough to get me moving. Nope! I have two pair of pants (other than my lazy pants) that fit. A pair of 'skinny' jeans (why do they even call them these, they are huge), that I'm about a week or two away from chub-rubbing through and then a pair of jeans, they are not great. They are too long, they are the biggest size I've ever had to buy in my life, and I have to wear them too high on my waist, ugh, they are stupid. But those are the only two pants that fit me right now. And as far as shirts go, they are not awesome either. Most of them are too small, the ones that do fit dont' look right with the only pants that fit me, so yeah, that SHOULD be enough to get me off my butt, but it's not. What is that?!?! ugh!
And I need to be 100% realistic, I have kids around and other people living in the house, so I can't exactly just remove all the tempting things from it. This is real life, I have to figure out what is going on that I can't seem to get it togther. I try to motivate myself, read other people's success story, I mean I live with a success story, my husband lost 50 pounds 5+ years ago and has kept it off.
So, what do I do? Keep going? I mean, I'm not really doing anything, there's no "keeping" to laziness, procrastination and eating whatever I want.... I guess the truth is, I won't give up. And if I want to quit complaining about it, I have to DO something about it...right? Complaining will get me no where, only hard work, dedication and will power is going to do anything for me.
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