Beyond Lazy

Yup, I truly feel beyond lazy at this point in the game.  I haven't worked out, consistently for 2 weeks.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  I know that having an extra kid 3 days a week, a baby, is making it hard.  She has honestly become good birth control for me, because I realize how much time I can't spend with Isaac and Zoe since I have her and I hate neglecting them.  I don't know, I do have lots of excuses, so I'll try to limit them here.  I've had a headache for probably 8 days straight and when I mentioned this to my husband he brought something to my attention that I was avoiding, he's pretty good at that.  I haven't worked out consistently in two weeks and I haven't paid much attention to what I'm putting in my body, and now all the sudden I'm having a headaches, I'm pretty convinced that it's not coincidence.  So, that should have motivated me to work out today, it's 1:30pm and I have not and will probably not have time to. 

My husband has two kids graduating high school this year so we're having a party in 3 weeks and I have a list a mile long to do before then, it's another excuse of mine to not work out.  Any moment I have I try to use to clean, paint, scrub, etc.   And since I already have 3 days a week that I can't get any of that stuff done (the girl I babysit is sometimes difficult), the days she isn't here I try to catch up on my normal things (dishes, emails, vacuuming, etc).  Okay, let me re-clarify "any moment I have" because I do have normal stuff I have to take care of in a day.  I do like to blog, coupon online, and that sort of thing, along with just daily "chores" so I guess I could eliminate EVERYTHING from my day except housework, husband, children and working out and I could get everything done....and maybe go crazy. 

I told my husband last night that it's hard to go from someone who's entire identity has been husband, children and home for the last eight years (the years I've put on weight) and then have to re-arrange that identity to include "me time" and I dont' really call exercising me time, because it's not my favorite thing to do.  And, if it wasn't for the fact that I NEED to get the weight off, I could never choose exercising as me time AND normally when I work out, I have at least one child running around me.   However, I'd just like to state that I won't quit exercising after the weight comes off, it's just hard to get an extra 65+ pounds around when you're trying to work out...I mean strap 10 pounds on your back and see how much harder it is.  I get why they have that episode in the weight loss shows where the contestants have to carry around the weight they lost.

Speaking of weight loss shows, I need to be done with them for now.  There is nothing real about losing 7 - 20 pounds in a week.  It's virtually impossible to do that at home on a normal basis and watching the contestants get frustrated when they lose 5 or less pounds is really messing with my head.  I love to hear about the stories of why they got where they are, and I like hearing about the break thrus, but watching them drop 65 pounds in a month or two is discouraging.  Especially since I did that once and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle, nothing about it was healthy...   I'm going to try "Addicted to Food" to see if it speaks to me, but I just can't do the other ones for a while. 

All these things I thought were motivating have started to become discouraging.  I thought this trip to Memphis next weekend would motivate me, but looking at my pictures from when I went 8 and 9 years ago and looking at myself now and seeing how poorly I've done losing the weight bring this thought into my head "what's the point?".  I don't know, I'm not sure why my heart hasn't been in it.  Well, I sort of know, but it's probably WAY out there to some people. 

But I think I need to go there.  I truly believe that when this weight comes off of me I will be a powerhouse for the things I believe in.  I will have more confidence in myself that I've ever had before and when I have confidence I can pretty much conquer anything, I've proven this to myself before.  Well, this time, and for the first time, I have a lot to conquer.  I have a lot to say and I don't really say it simply because I don't have a lot of confidence and I know when I get that confidence back I'll be able to speak my heart.  And I know that the devil does NOT want me to have that confidence, he wants to keep me beat up, broken down, shut up and almost scared....and honestly, he's doing a pretty good job at it.  He gives me all the excuses and I take them.  I know my body has to submit to me, my body is a vessel, it is NOT the captain, and right now my body is doing all the commanding and as long as my body is winning the fight, my heart has to take a back seat.  And every time I think about it the devil reminds me about my past and how I'll just get mocked and screw things up for my husband and anyone else that is around me.  I know it's not true, I know the devil is a liar and a thief.  I know when I hear "it's too much weight, you'll never get it all off" or "you'll just screw things up if you open your mouth, someone will expose you for what you used to be" or ...okay there's so many others and my head is flooded with them right now that I can't complete one into a sentence.  Basically, this is so much more than eating right and exercising for me.  I know for some people it isn't, for some people it's simply about making better food choices and walking an hour a day, the weight comes off and there's never any more questions about it.  This, is way bigger to me, this is not only a battle of my body, but it's a battle of control, of conquering, of spirit, soul and flesh!!  And I know one thing, I am more than an over comer.  I'm not just going to overcome this weight I need to lose, I'm going to MORE than overcome it.  Not sure what the "MORE" is, but it's the more that the devil is trying to keep me away from!!!  I won't let him win and I won't let my body be captain anymore.  It's time to take back control.

When I was working out consistently and paying attention to my food, I was a nicer person, a happier person, an easier person to get along with, I slept better, I felt better, I sounded better and it's just time!!! 

Just a side note: on Dr. Oz today, he said, other than sunburns (yes, I'm VERY careful about this these days), sugar is the second most cause of wrinkles!!!!!!! Ewww, I don't want wrinkles, I have amazing skin, I still sort of have baby skin!!  And I definitely look sort of young for my age, however, every pound that I put on made me look older.  But yeah, sugar, I need to cut back on that, no wrinkles!!!

AND, I read an article that said gaining simply 11 pounds destroys your fat burning metabolism.  MAN, I've put my metabolism in a tail spin. 

Anyway, time to work out!  I have to do it, the other stuff can wait!!!

Week 15 Weigh In - GRACE!!

I wasn't even going to step on the scale on Friday, I knew I gained weight, I would be disappointed and ultimately I'd binge this weekend.  But, I did, I had to know and by the grace of God alone I stayed exactly the same.  Some people may not believe in that but I 100% am grateful for the grace of God, as a mother and a step mother I rely on the grace of God sometimes daily.  I rely on His mercy and long suffering, I am not perfect in any area and in this weight loss area, He's heard my cries, He's heard my frustration and He knows my heart, and I know that I know, that I know, that ONLY by His grace did I NOT gain weight last week.  So, let's cross our fingers and hope that instead of snubbing my nose at God's grace, I truly appreciate it and push into next week!

I did decide this weekend that I need a "Fatty's Anonymous" sponsor.  I text my best friend to let her know I'd text her when I was going to binge and she was supposed to say something encouraging.  She is by NO MEANS a fatty, so she probably doesn't appreciate the reference, sorry! But you get the gist!

Hopefully this week is better and I get off my booty and do some work outs!  Less than 2 weeks until Memphis, less than 3 weeks until my 31st birthday.  I will not be hitting my first initial goal, but it's baby steps people!

Week 14 Weigh In

Had a complete, utter break down last Thursday night before I weighed in.  The night didn't end so great, for a variety of reasons, but it boils down to just the disappointment I feel in myself right now.  I should NOT be disappointed, any amount of weight is hard to lose, especially when you seem to be battling a slight case of food addiction.  Thinking of where I should be (or at least the pressure I put on myself to where I should be) and where I'm actually at is, in essence, ticking me off!!  The ticking me off hasn't really made me change anything.

Last week was "recovery" week on the P90X program and of course I took complete advantage of that and thought I'd just watch my eating really closely and also maybe take some walks here and there.  I did weed a few days (more about this disaster in a few), but I definitely was a complete lazy slacker other than that.  I did maybe 4/7 of the P90X work outs and I only sort of ate, okay, not good.  But, luckily, I didn't gain weight, which I was pretty sure I was going to.  I stayed exactly the same.  I still wish I would have dropped even a half a pound but that didn't happen. I guess after my break down I'm grateful that I stayed the same.  But here's the thing, at the weight I'm at, to maintain I can eat exactly 1238192312 calories a day and not gain or loss a pound (it's a fact, google it) so maintaining isn't really that difficult, but when I'm down to my goal weight I'll only be able to eat 4 calories a day to maintain my weight (it's a fact, google it).  So it'll be much harder to maintain when I get to my goal weight.

So, weeding the flower beds last week has resulted in poison ivy hell, literally.  First of all, I use "IvyRest" (or something like that) every time I come inside, except one time...stupid one time...it's always "one time"...stupid.  We moved into this house a little less than 2 1/2 years ago and the previous owners put a TON of money and work into the flower beds/landscaping but it looks like they maybe didn't keep up with it for the last 5 years or so they lived here.  We've heard that one of them was maybe sick before they moved, but I honestly have no idea.  So we have at least 2 flower beds that haven't been touched for a minimum of 6 years.  And since last year Zoe was colic and well just a rough baby we really didn't get to it then either.  Jeremy has spent DAYS chain sawing and getting it "park like" so I've been trying to work as much as I can on the flower beds.  One is this huge area with a nice rock walk way and it's just gorgeous but the weeds have definitely taken control.  Well, as I know better I didn't wear long sleeves and I have poison ivy from my wrist to my elbow on my right arm and almost that much on my left arm.  Luckily I had gloves on.  Now, there were no leaves on these stupid vines (yes, stupid is the word for all of this) so even though I noticed the vines and thought they 'could be' poison ivy I sort of dismissed it not seeing the leaves, but, alas, apparently this evil (maybe that should be the word) vine is poisonous even w/o the leaves!  And there's A LOT more out there.  I will not weed again in short sleeves, luckily I was smart enough to put on long pants.  And every time i sweat the itching becomes to unbearable that there's actually been tears...so I haven't really worked out since.  Plus for some reason, just exhausted...a lot.  I finally broke down and got some IvyDry and some Benadryl so hopefully tomorrow I can pull myself together (thanks, Steph, it's really the best quote EVER) and get back on the ball.

On top of the poison ivy we had Church yesterday, a Living Lords Supper, it was pretty awesome and then a straight drive up to KC (3 1/2 hours) for a GORGEOUS wedding, it was so great, and then a 3 hour drive home.  Everyone else slept at least the last 1 1/2 hours on the way home and then I had to be up to babysit today so I knew that even if I did work out it would have been sad and pathetic.  Again, tomorrow, I hope to pull myself together and get back on the ball and really do this. 

I guess we'll see.  I'm beginning to realize that I thought this blog was going to be a motivation for some people and it's more like the way NOT to do things.  It's going to take me a lot longer than I thought or expected to lose this weight.  I know it's not supposed to be easy, if it was easy, people like me would just put it back on.  However, in this exact moment, saying that I remember quitting smoking almost 7 years ago (May 10, 2004).  It was easy, I know you think I'm being silly but it's the truth.  I was at work, just fed up, my mom had died 3 1/2 months before and throwing almost a half a pack of cigarettes in the trash and just being done.  I haven't smoked a cigarette since, I didn't crave them, I didn't shake or freak out or scream at people, I just quit.  So, maybe this food thing CAN be that easy...hmmmm....

28 days (as of last Friday) until my birthday.

21 days until Memphis!

Title = Oops

Yeah, not feeling the title today.  This sort of happens after I have a bad weigh in week, I'm really down on myself, I'm not working out to my fullest abilities, I'm making a million excuses not to work out.  I actually spent the day cleaning, sending non personal emails, making non personal phone calls, pretty much my least favorite things to do.  And I actually have a list of things in my head to do tomorrow, basically to avoid working out.  My food choices are fair...if not poor. 

UGH, I really don't like when I get like this.  I try to get myself all pumped up after a bad week, thinking that I'll prove something to myself (and others) next week and instead I completely sabotage myself.  It's kind of like someone who's been abused as a kid and they marry an abuser.  Yes, I know it's sort of a long off analogy but just think about it...  maybe it's irrational but it feels like that right now.  A vicious cycle of food ridiculousness.

And, I thought I had all the motivation in the world, BSMF and my 31st Birthday.  Part of the discouragement is that I should be at TWICE what I've lost and I'm going to be doing this the entire summer, if not longer!!   So, I'm going to quit whining now and move on I guess.  I sort of want to continue my pity party...

Week 13 Weigh In

As you can probably guess from my roller coaster of weeks, this was not a great one.  I lost 1/2 a pound (.4 to be exact).  It is insanely frustrating.  I did measure myself and I do that before I weigh in to sort of gauge what my weigh in will be and after I measured myself I thought I was going to drop about 2 pounds, nope!  The measurements were pretty good, a whole inch off my waist and some quarter and half inches off other areas, so I guess that's good right?  Well, it doesn't feel good that's for sure!!!!  I'm not gonna get to wear any of my cool clothes anytime soon if I don't work this out!!  I mean, it's sort of now beginning to feel like spring, my favorite season, and I really thought I'd be farther along in this process. 

I kind of wish I could say "April Fools" but, alas, it's true, it was only .4 pounds!  I did not get two work outs in yesterday and I did not drink a bunch of water which I normally do on Thursdays, especially throughout the afternoon, so I guess lesson learned in that arena.  I feel like my food was good, I did not count calories, I just can't get it together in that department.  I guess if I REALLY wanted this to go my way, all the time, without question I would count every single calorie I put in my mouth.  Maybe I just don't want it bad enough?  Or, I just like to whine?  Or I'm just self defeating?  Or maybe I set my own self up for failure?  Who knows, I'm sure many people would have many theories if they read my rants and raves, but my theory?  It's just plain annoying to count calories and I have enough annoyance in my life :)

35 days until my birthday, 28 until BSMF!  Next week, is recovery week, I already added exercises to the week because I'm so worried about not burning enough calories.  But I'm not sure I could even explain in words how excited I am that I do not have to do Plyometrics next week!!!

On a side note, I did get a baby to watch part time, starting in 2 weeks, that's awesome!  And it'll force me to get up early before she gets here to do at least one of the work outs!!

Food Memories - But First....

First, I just need to get something out.  I'm really aggravated with myself.  I set my alarm to get up early, at first I was doing it often, not everyday but often, now I don't do it at all. So nap time consists of trying to rush through a work out and do whatever else I have to do during nap time.  Not to mention since I'm working out about 2 hours a day, I either have to work out the entire nap time or do an hour at nap time and then an hour at bedtime, which isn't the best time.  So I don't really know what to do with myself.  I may have to put myself on a strict bedtime, but I know I'm not good with "rules" or "restrictions"...I sort of rebel from them.  Like, tomorrow I'll be gone all day a good 12 hours, and I know in my head that I desperately need to work out before I leave the house, but I'd have to get up at like 430/5 to do that.  I honestly love the idea of doing this, I know I'll be awake and alert and just feel better through out the day but when it comes to that alarm going off, I'll just hit snooze.  And, today, it's a Wednesday, which are always crazy days, and I just ignored the alarm clock and when I did get up I ended up falling back asleep on the couch for 15 minutes.  Oh the days I could sleep for four hours and have abounding energy....

So, now that that's off my chest.  Onto food memories.  I have a lot of these, it's probably one of the many reasons I have food issues.  My mom was an amazing cook, we grew up on good, country, home cooked meals.  She made our breakfast before school almost every morning (which I hope to do for Isaac and Zoe), we always had a hot meal and we always had some variety.  I do remember lots of pork chops and potatoes probably because they are cheap, but she always had a variety of ways to fix them.  My favorite pork chops where breaded and laid over stuffing and baked...yummmmmy!!!  I don't think I've ever fixed pork chops in this house. 

For our birthdays every year we got to pick the meal for dinner.  My sister always picked either liver and onions (because I HATED it and she knew it and she was being mean, because I either ate that or nothing...so I'd pretty much eat nothing), sometimes she'd pick Fried Chicken, which is what my dad makes her now.  I'd pick meatloaf, with potatoes and green beans.  Travis would pick chicken and dumplings with either corn or peas and Andy would pick Spaboli (inside out pizza...sort of...kind of like a cal zone but like 100x better).   And sometimes these would vary but this is mostly the picks.  

Grape Nuts remind me of my maternal grandma, because I always had those for breakfast, and we never had them at our house, and I never understood why there wasn't any grapes in it.  My paternal grandma I have awesome food memories with, crackers with butter, fried egg sandwich on white bread with mayo and she used to make this hamburger and noodle thingy sometimes, she wasn't really that great of a cook but she definitely got an A for effort.  According to my dad she was a terrible cook, her mom died when she was a baby and she was the youngest of 5 girls so she was sort of babied, I guess she didn't really have to learn how to cook. 

The other day I was eating strawberries and I have a very distinct food memory that wasn't about my childhood.  Now, strawberries should probably remind me of my paternal grandpa because he had a farm (he didn't live there but he had one) and he had strawberries there and so we often had fresh strawberries.  Just an FYI, fresh strawberries DO NOT taste the same as what you get in the store and they dont' get as big (probably the case for most all fruits/veggies).  But as I was eating the strawberries I remembered how after Zoe was born I'd order a bowl full of strawberries for EVERY meal.  I was nursing so I was allowed to order as much food as I wanted and I literally would order an entire meal (plus some for snacks later) and then a big bowl of strawberries and sometimes it was the only thing I'd eat on my plate.  I dont' know what it was about strawberries but it's all I wanted.  And I was at the hospital for 4 1/2 days so I ate a lot of them.  Then I remembered craving then after I had Isaac and get this huge bowl of all kinds of fruit and it was so yummy, but I couldn't keep it down, I didn't give myself enough time for my stomach to settle after surgery.  I'm pretty sure if I get the pleasure of having another baby I'd probably eat a ton of strawberries.  Since I'm only "allowed" to have 2 more babies (it's all the c-sections my doctor feels safe to perform) I sort of wish I could have those last 2 in a couple years..... It's not like I can just keep having babies forever, I obviously can't....  anyway...wow, didn't know that was gonna come out in this entry.  I'm fine where I'm at if these two are all I have, I feel blessed to have a boy and a girl, healthy, happy and whole!

So, I have a lot of food memories beyond what I shared.  In my home growing up it was important that we all sat down at the table together to eat, that we had a nice, hot, home cooked meal and we turned the TV off.  It's not what I do now, but it was really special to me and really good for us kids.  Plus right now it's hard to fix two separate meals (and sometimes more because I have some insanely picky eaters at this house) and then sit down and watch everyone eat their huge plates of yummy food and I'm eating baked fish and roasted broccoli!  Anyway, I think everyone could link food to memories or memories to food.

Week 12 Weigh In

Friday was my 12th weigh in.  I would have loved to say that I've lost a consistent 3 pounds a week and was now at 36 pounds, only 2 away from my original/first goal.  But, unfortunately, I have not lost 3 pounds consistently, as I'm way more complicated that I thought.

But, the good news, I lost 2.5 pounds last week!!!!  One of my best weeks yet!  A total of 18.4 pounds!!!  And my food choices definitely could have been better, which sort of makes me mad at myself.  It just makes me think that if I would have been a little more careful I would have had an even bigger number, so this week I'm trying to do just that.  And I skipped Ab Ripper X at least once and I think missed at least one other work out, so this week I am not missing any work outs.

It feels pretty good to have almost 20 pounds off and I know this week I'll hit that 20 pound mark, or even better.   I have 4 1/2 weeks until BSMF, so another 10 - 15 pounds off would be awesome!!  Not what I want it to be, but at least better.  I already definitely have more confidence and have found even a few more jeans/pants that'll fit.  I measured myself and I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong with this measuring.  I don't really know where to hold the tape, so I might enlist the help of my husband this week.  I didn't measure myself on Jan 1 like I should have either, but that's okay.

I have this stack of clothes I pulled out when going through my clothes the other day.  They are my "man I hope these fit for BSMF."  Which is pretty motivational considering the last time they fit was 10 pounds BELOW my goal...  But we'll see, my body is totally different now after having 2 babies and I'm working out harder than I ever have.

This blog has made me more accountable that I thought.  People are telling me they are reading it when I didn't even know and then talking to me about what they are going through and I LOVE it!! And encouraging me to try different things, which I also LOVE! 

I have 42 days until my birthday (since last Friday), only 35 days until BSMF.  Don't worry I won't lose my motivation after either.  Picking up a 15 pound weight is HARD and to imagine that I carried that around PLUS a few pounds just in January.  Ugh, I can't imagine what about 50 pounds is going to feel like.  Well, I can...liberating!!!!!