I thought only gaining 2 pounds back after doing NOTHING for a month would motivate me to start doing something, that is not correct, I haven't done anything. Every week I think I'm going to start and I never do. And I actually thought the looming "Labor Day Float" which I really really really hope we get to do this year would also help me. So far, no go! It's weird to think about what WILL actually motivate me, what is it going to take?
I caught my 3 year old biting his nails, which I bite my nails and I immediately became very self conscious of biting my nail and it's getting better. Will it take one of my kids being obese for me to work on it? Which I honestly don't even want to think about!!!!! My kids are so active, Isaac is a great eater and Zoe is picky (we work on it), so I want to keep them active and eating better than I do/did!!
I've taken my kids to eat at school twice in the last couple weeks. They offer free lunches for kinds 18 and under. The first time was chicken strips, mashed potatoes, corn, fruit cocktail, cookie, and milk or juice. Honestly I wouldn't eat it, it was not appealing at all. Today, cheeseburgers, cold french fries, peaches in syrup, cookie, and milk or juice. I ate a cheeseburger...couldn't stomach anything else. It was so gross!! That's all I'm going to say about that, until I can get myself to a better health place, I cannot judge anyone Else's choices.
Right now I'm sitting here thinking about working out, I need to, I want to, sort of! I do know I feel better when I work out and I can get more done around the house when I do, I'm more patient with my children, and just happier in general. The thought of getting off the couch, putting on work out clothes, fighting Isaac to get out the door, just makes me sit here longer. No work out video I have sounds like something I want to do. Jogging sounds great, but I know it'll be a pathetic attempt, and I will have to fight Isaac to get out the door!
Maybe someone out there could tell me how amazing they felt after they lost weight! Or something...I don't know.
I hear about momentum! I need that, I just need to drop like a pound this week and keep that momentum for the next 8 - 10 weeks. I also read an article about finding a belt that fits you on the first notch, that way you'll be able to tell if you're losing weight, gaining weight, or staying the same. I actually did this a long time ago. I bought a belt, an embarrassing size that fit on the first notch, I'm now and have been on the 3 notch for a LONG time. I was on the first notch for so long that that part of the belt actually fell off the other day. Some days, depending on the pants I'm wearing and where they sit on my waist/hips depends on whether it's on the second or third notch. So that's a good thing to have around.
Last night when I sat down to eat, I pulled out a Party Pizza, which I normally LOVE LOVE!! Um, it was so gross to me that I barely ate half of it. Which then I thought "oh, I didn't eat 'all my dinner'" and then I ate other stuff, stupid stupid stupid!
Well, I think it's time to lay Isaac down with a movie so I can do something!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
I faced the music
So, last Friday I finally weighed in to see the damage. I haven't posted in over a month, I simply haven't done anything for myself since I've gotten back from Memphis. I've felt pretty guilty about going away, when my husband is the one who really needed the vacation, and in a weird sort of way I just didn't feel right taking more time to myself, for exercise, and meal planning and what not.
I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain. My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted. I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy. The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.
Well, I only gained 2 pounds. I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have been. Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month. When you really think about that, it's disgusting. But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.
On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening. Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes. But now I'm totally disgusted by many things. I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk. I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health. And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc.
I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent. Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me! I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more. There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that?? I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it? Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.
I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this. There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food. One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it... So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.
I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet. The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be. The list, was LONG, no kidding. Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself. You should really try this, it's no easy task. Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short. Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me. Perfect in His image. This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.
Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now. I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself. I also hope the next post isn't too far off....
I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain. My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted. I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy. The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.
Well, I only gained 2 pounds. I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have been. Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month. When you really think about that, it's disgusting. But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.
On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening. Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes. But now I'm totally disgusted by many things. I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk. I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health. And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc.
I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent. Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me! I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more. There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that?? I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it? Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.
I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this. There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food. One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it... So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.
I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet. The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be. The list, was LONG, no kidding. Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself. You should really try this, it's no easy task. Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short. Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me. Perfect in His image. This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.
Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now. I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself. I also hope the next post isn't too far off....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Update on my Insanity
So, last week I weighed in before I left for my 3 days in Memphis...and I lost 1 pound, making me down exactly 20 pounds...half way to my goal. I honestly, even though I talk a good game, am highly disappointed in myself. I have so much more than this in me and I failed, with lots and lots of excuses.
So, in Memphis, I definitely didn't feel very good about myself, but I was with my best friend and she always makes me feel good about myself, cause she's amazing. Well, down at the concert is pretty much all "carnival" food and up on Beale is mostly "bar food". All of which I love by the way. So we ate..good! I had two of the most amazing burgers ever while there! Anyway, but we walked like 10 miles a day and I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating. I still came back feeling highly bloated. And, in my head thinking, I'm totally gonna kick bootie this week (working out, eating good) to make sure my weight doesn't go up on my birthday. Well, I'm not weighing in on my birthday (tomorrow). I mean the worst feeling to start my 31st birthday would be to gain like 18239128329 pounds (it could happen).
So, where do I go from here? I ROYALLY failed my goal! I mean, who's sick of hearing about it??? Who thinks I'm a total fraud? I do, so it's okay if you do. I will not have another countdown calendar, that pretty much did nothing for me. But I sort of feel like I need another goal. I guess a smaller goal (that's pretty lame...). A friend at church (who is gorgeous and has 3 kids) said she works out 2 hours a day (she will slow down now that she's been on vacation) and every day that she works out she gives herself a gold star or smiley face sticker on her calendar...that sounds fun! This I may try! Maybe a goal to work out 5 out of 7 days a week for 4 weeks, that sounds feasible.
As for the food...ugh! I really do love food...I need to think about this. Any suggestions? I seriously feel like I need to detox my body, there is SOOO much crap in my body! This I need to research, think and pray about.
That's it...I'm sort of feeling dumb that I shared this and well, really didn't get anywhere. Don't worry I'm not like depressed or anything, just feeling sort of silly...
So, in Memphis, I definitely didn't feel very good about myself, but I was with my best friend and she always makes me feel good about myself, cause she's amazing. Well, down at the concert is pretty much all "carnival" food and up on Beale is mostly "bar food". All of which I love by the way. So we ate..good! I had two of the most amazing burgers ever while there! Anyway, but we walked like 10 miles a day and I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating. I still came back feeling highly bloated. And, in my head thinking, I'm totally gonna kick bootie this week (working out, eating good) to make sure my weight doesn't go up on my birthday. Well, I'm not weighing in on my birthday (tomorrow). I mean the worst feeling to start my 31st birthday would be to gain like 18239128329 pounds (it could happen).
So, where do I go from here? I ROYALLY failed my goal! I mean, who's sick of hearing about it??? Who thinks I'm a total fraud? I do, so it's okay if you do. I will not have another countdown calendar, that pretty much did nothing for me. But I sort of feel like I need another goal. I guess a smaller goal (that's pretty lame...). A friend at church (who is gorgeous and has 3 kids) said she works out 2 hours a day (she will slow down now that she's been on vacation) and every day that she works out she gives herself a gold star or smiley face sticker on her calendar...that sounds fun! This I may try! Maybe a goal to work out 5 out of 7 days a week for 4 weeks, that sounds feasible.
As for the food...ugh! I really do love food...I need to think about this. Any suggestions? I seriously feel like I need to detox my body, there is SOOO much crap in my body! This I need to research, think and pray about.
That's it...I'm sort of feeling dumb that I shared this and well, really didn't get anywhere. Don't worry I'm not like depressed or anything, just feeling sort of silly...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Beyond Lazy
Yup, I truly feel beyond lazy at this point in the game. I haven't worked out, consistently for 2 weeks. I'm not really sure what's going on. I know that having an extra kid 3 days a week, a baby, is making it hard. She has honestly become good birth control for me, because I realize how much time I can't spend with Isaac and Zoe since I have her and I hate neglecting them. I don't know, I do have lots of excuses, so I'll try to limit them here. I've had a headache for probably 8 days straight and when I mentioned this to my husband he brought something to my attention that I was avoiding, he's pretty good at that. I haven't worked out consistently in two weeks and I haven't paid much attention to what I'm putting in my body, and now all the sudden I'm having a headaches, I'm pretty convinced that it's not coincidence. So, that should have motivated me to work out today, it's 1:30pm and I have not and will probably not have time to.
My husband has two kids graduating high school this year so we're having a party in 3 weeks and I have a list a mile long to do before then, it's another excuse of mine to not work out. Any moment I have I try to use to clean, paint, scrub, etc. And since I already have 3 days a week that I can't get any of that stuff done (the girl I babysit is sometimes difficult), the days she isn't here I try to catch up on my normal things (dishes, emails, vacuuming, etc). Okay, let me re-clarify "any moment I have" because I do have normal stuff I have to take care of in a day. I do like to blog, coupon online, and that sort of thing, along with just daily "chores" so I guess I could eliminate EVERYTHING from my day except housework, husband, children and working out and I could get everything done....and maybe go crazy.
I told my husband last night that it's hard to go from someone who's entire identity has been husband, children and home for the last eight years (the years I've put on weight) and then have to re-arrange that identity to include "me time" and I dont' really call exercising me time, because it's not my favorite thing to do. And, if it wasn't for the fact that I NEED to get the weight off, I could never choose exercising as me time AND normally when I work out, I have at least one child running around me. However, I'd just like to state that I won't quit exercising after the weight comes off, it's just hard to get an extra 65+ pounds around when you're trying to work out...I mean strap 10 pounds on your back and see how much harder it is. I get why they have that episode in the weight loss shows where the contestants have to carry around the weight they lost.
Speaking of weight loss shows, I need to be done with them for now. There is nothing real about losing 7 - 20 pounds in a week. It's virtually impossible to do that at home on a normal basis and watching the contestants get frustrated when they lose 5 or less pounds is really messing with my head. I love to hear about the stories of why they got where they are, and I like hearing about the break thrus, but watching them drop 65 pounds in a month or two is discouraging. Especially since I did that once and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle, nothing about it was healthy... I'm going to try "Addicted to Food" to see if it speaks to me, but I just can't do the other ones for a while.
All these things I thought were motivating have started to become discouraging. I thought this trip to Memphis next weekend would motivate me, but looking at my pictures from when I went 8 and 9 years ago and looking at myself now and seeing how poorly I've done losing the weight bring this thought into my head "what's the point?". I don't know, I'm not sure why my heart hasn't been in it. Well, I sort of know, but it's probably WAY out there to some people.
But I think I need to go there. I truly believe that when this weight comes off of me I will be a powerhouse for the things I believe in. I will have more confidence in myself that I've ever had before and when I have confidence I can pretty much conquer anything, I've proven this to myself before. Well, this time, and for the first time, I have a lot to conquer. I have a lot to say and I don't really say it simply because I don't have a lot of confidence and I know when I get that confidence back I'll be able to speak my heart. And I know that the devil does NOT want me to have that confidence, he wants to keep me beat up, broken down, shut up and almost scared....and honestly, he's doing a pretty good job at it. He gives me all the excuses and I take them. I know my body has to submit to me, my body is a vessel, it is NOT the captain, and right now my body is doing all the commanding and as long as my body is winning the fight, my heart has to take a back seat. And every time I think about it the devil reminds me about my past and how I'll just get mocked and screw things up for my husband and anyone else that is around me. I know it's not true, I know the devil is a liar and a thief. I know when I hear "it's too much weight, you'll never get it all off" or "you'll just screw things up if you open your mouth, someone will expose you for what you used to be" or ...okay there's so many others and my head is flooded with them right now that I can't complete one into a sentence. Basically, this is so much more than eating right and exercising for me. I know for some people it isn't, for some people it's simply about making better food choices and walking an hour a day, the weight comes off and there's never any more questions about it. This, is way bigger to me, this is not only a battle of my body, but it's a battle of control, of conquering, of spirit, soul and flesh!! And I know one thing, I am more than an over comer. I'm not just going to overcome this weight I need to lose, I'm going to MORE than overcome it. Not sure what the "MORE" is, but it's the more that the devil is trying to keep me away from!!! I won't let him win and I won't let my body be captain anymore. It's time to take back control.
When I was working out consistently and paying attention to my food, I was a nicer person, a happier person, an easier person to get along with, I slept better, I felt better, I sounded better and it's just time!!!
Just a side note: on Dr. Oz today, he said, other than sunburns (yes, I'm VERY careful about this these days), sugar is the second most cause of wrinkles!!!!!!! Ewww, I don't want wrinkles, I have amazing skin, I still sort of have baby skin!! And I definitely look sort of young for my age, however, every pound that I put on made me look older. But yeah, sugar, I need to cut back on that, no wrinkles!!!
AND, I read an article that said gaining simply 11 pounds destroys your fat burning metabolism. MAN, I've put my metabolism in a tail spin.
Anyway, time to work out! I have to do it, the other stuff can wait!!!
My husband has two kids graduating high school this year so we're having a party in 3 weeks and I have a list a mile long to do before then, it's another excuse of mine to not work out. Any moment I have I try to use to clean, paint, scrub, etc. And since I already have 3 days a week that I can't get any of that stuff done (the girl I babysit is sometimes difficult), the days she isn't here I try to catch up on my normal things (dishes, emails, vacuuming, etc). Okay, let me re-clarify "any moment I have" because I do have normal stuff I have to take care of in a day. I do like to blog, coupon online, and that sort of thing, along with just daily "chores" so I guess I could eliminate EVERYTHING from my day except housework, husband, children and working out and I could get everything done....and maybe go crazy.
I told my husband last night that it's hard to go from someone who's entire identity has been husband, children and home for the last eight years (the years I've put on weight) and then have to re-arrange that identity to include "me time" and I dont' really call exercising me time, because it's not my favorite thing to do. And, if it wasn't for the fact that I NEED to get the weight off, I could never choose exercising as me time AND normally when I work out, I have at least one child running around me. However, I'd just like to state that I won't quit exercising after the weight comes off, it's just hard to get an extra 65+ pounds around when you're trying to work out...I mean strap 10 pounds on your back and see how much harder it is. I get why they have that episode in the weight loss shows where the contestants have to carry around the weight they lost.
Speaking of weight loss shows, I need to be done with them for now. There is nothing real about losing 7 - 20 pounds in a week. It's virtually impossible to do that at home on a normal basis and watching the contestants get frustrated when they lose 5 or less pounds is really messing with my head. I love to hear about the stories of why they got where they are, and I like hearing about the break thrus, but watching them drop 65 pounds in a month or two is discouraging. Especially since I did that once and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle, nothing about it was healthy... I'm going to try "Addicted to Food" to see if it speaks to me, but I just can't do the other ones for a while.
All these things I thought were motivating have started to become discouraging. I thought this trip to Memphis next weekend would motivate me, but looking at my pictures from when I went 8 and 9 years ago and looking at myself now and seeing how poorly I've done losing the weight bring this thought into my head "what's the point?". I don't know, I'm not sure why my heart hasn't been in it. Well, I sort of know, but it's probably WAY out there to some people.
But I think I need to go there. I truly believe that when this weight comes off of me I will be a powerhouse for the things I believe in. I will have more confidence in myself that I've ever had before and when I have confidence I can pretty much conquer anything, I've proven this to myself before. Well, this time, and for the first time, I have a lot to conquer. I have a lot to say and I don't really say it simply because I don't have a lot of confidence and I know when I get that confidence back I'll be able to speak my heart. And I know that the devil does NOT want me to have that confidence, he wants to keep me beat up, broken down, shut up and almost scared....and honestly, he's doing a pretty good job at it. He gives me all the excuses and I take them. I know my body has to submit to me, my body is a vessel, it is NOT the captain, and right now my body is doing all the commanding and as long as my body is winning the fight, my heart has to take a back seat. And every time I think about it the devil reminds me about my past and how I'll just get mocked and screw things up for my husband and anyone else that is around me. I know it's not true, I know the devil is a liar and a thief. I know when I hear "it's too much weight, you'll never get it all off" or "you'll just screw things up if you open your mouth, someone will expose you for what you used to be" or ...okay there's so many others and my head is flooded with them right now that I can't complete one into a sentence. Basically, this is so much more than eating right and exercising for me. I know for some people it isn't, for some people it's simply about making better food choices and walking an hour a day, the weight comes off and there's never any more questions about it. This, is way bigger to me, this is not only a battle of my body, but it's a battle of control, of conquering, of spirit, soul and flesh!! And I know one thing, I am more than an over comer. I'm not just going to overcome this weight I need to lose, I'm going to MORE than overcome it. Not sure what the "MORE" is, but it's the more that the devil is trying to keep me away from!!! I won't let him win and I won't let my body be captain anymore. It's time to take back control.
When I was working out consistently and paying attention to my food, I was a nicer person, a happier person, an easier person to get along with, I slept better, I felt better, I sounded better and it's just time!!!
Just a side note: on Dr. Oz today, he said, other than sunburns (yes, I'm VERY careful about this these days), sugar is the second most cause of wrinkles!!!!!!! Ewww, I don't want wrinkles, I have amazing skin, I still sort of have baby skin!! And I definitely look sort of young for my age, however, every pound that I put on made me look older. But yeah, sugar, I need to cut back on that, no wrinkles!!!
AND, I read an article that said gaining simply 11 pounds destroys your fat burning metabolism. MAN, I've put my metabolism in a tail spin.
Anyway, time to work out! I have to do it, the other stuff can wait!!!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Week 15 Weigh In - GRACE!!
I wasn't even going to step on the scale on Friday, I knew I gained weight, I would be disappointed and ultimately I'd binge this weekend. But, I did, I had to know and by the grace of God alone I stayed exactly the same. Some people may not believe in that but I 100% am grateful for the grace of God, as a mother and a step mother I rely on the grace of God sometimes daily. I rely on His mercy and long suffering, I am not perfect in any area and in this weight loss area, He's heard my cries, He's heard my frustration and He knows my heart, and I know that I know, that I know, that ONLY by His grace did I NOT gain weight last week. So, let's cross our fingers and hope that instead of snubbing my nose at God's grace, I truly appreciate it and push into next week!
I did decide this weekend that I need a "Fatty's Anonymous" sponsor. I text my best friend to let her know I'd text her when I was going to binge and she was supposed to say something encouraging. She is by NO MEANS a fatty, so she probably doesn't appreciate the reference, sorry! But you get the gist!
Hopefully this week is better and I get off my booty and do some work outs! Less than 2 weeks until Memphis, less than 3 weeks until my 31st birthday. I will not be hitting my first initial goal, but it's baby steps people!
I did decide this weekend that I need a "Fatty's Anonymous" sponsor. I text my best friend to let her know I'd text her when I was going to binge and she was supposed to say something encouraging. She is by NO MEANS a fatty, so she probably doesn't appreciate the reference, sorry! But you get the gist!
Hopefully this week is better and I get off my booty and do some work outs! Less than 2 weeks until Memphis, less than 3 weeks until my 31st birthday. I will not be hitting my first initial goal, but it's baby steps people!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Week 14 Weigh In
Had a complete, utter break down last Thursday night before I weighed in. The night didn't end so great, for a variety of reasons, but it boils down to just the disappointment I feel in myself right now. I should NOT be disappointed, any amount of weight is hard to lose, especially when you seem to be battling a slight case of food addiction. Thinking of where I should be (or at least the pressure I put on myself to where I should be) and where I'm actually at is, in essence, ticking me off!! The ticking me off hasn't really made me change anything.
Last week was "recovery" week on the P90X program and of course I took complete advantage of that and thought I'd just watch my eating really closely and also maybe take some walks here and there. I did weed a few days (more about this disaster in a few), but I definitely was a complete lazy slacker other than that. I did maybe 4/7 of the P90X work outs and I only sort of ate, okay, not good. But, luckily, I didn't gain weight, which I was pretty sure I was going to. I stayed exactly the same. I still wish I would have dropped even a half a pound but that didn't happen. I guess after my break down I'm grateful that I stayed the same. But here's the thing, at the weight I'm at, to maintain I can eat exactly 1238192312 calories a day and not gain or loss a pound (it's a fact, google it) so maintaining isn't really that difficult, but when I'm down to my goal weight I'll only be able to eat 4 calories a day to maintain my weight (it's a fact, google it). So it'll be much harder to maintain when I get to my goal weight.
So, weeding the flower beds last week has resulted in poison ivy hell, literally. First of all, I use "IvyRest" (or something like that) every time I come inside, except one time...stupid one time...it's always "one time"...stupid. We moved into this house a little less than 2 1/2 years ago and the previous owners put a TON of money and work into the flower beds/landscaping but it looks like they maybe didn't keep up with it for the last 5 years or so they lived here. We've heard that one of them was maybe sick before they moved, but I honestly have no idea. So we have at least 2 flower beds that haven't been touched for a minimum of 6 years. And since last year Zoe was colic and well just a rough baby we really didn't get to it then either. Jeremy has spent DAYS chain sawing and getting it "park like" so I've been trying to work as much as I can on the flower beds. One is this huge area with a nice rock walk way and it's just gorgeous but the weeds have definitely taken control. Well, as I know better I didn't wear long sleeves and I have poison ivy from my wrist to my elbow on my right arm and almost that much on my left arm. Luckily I had gloves on. Now, there were no leaves on these stupid vines (yes, stupid is the word for all of this) so even though I noticed the vines and thought they 'could be' poison ivy I sort of dismissed it not seeing the leaves, but, alas, apparently this evil (maybe that should be the word) vine is poisonous even w/o the leaves! And there's A LOT more out there. I will not weed again in short sleeves, luckily I was smart enough to put on long pants. And every time i sweat the itching becomes to unbearable that there's actually been tears...so I haven't really worked out since. Plus for some reason, just exhausted...a lot. I finally broke down and got some IvyDry and some Benadryl so hopefully tomorrow I can pull myself together (thanks, Steph, it's really the best quote EVER) and get back on the ball.
On top of the poison ivy we had Church yesterday, a Living Lords Supper, it was pretty awesome and then a straight drive up to KC (3 1/2 hours) for a GORGEOUS wedding, it was so great, and then a 3 hour drive home. Everyone else slept at least the last 1 1/2 hours on the way home and then I had to be up to babysit today so I knew that even if I did work out it would have been sad and pathetic. Again, tomorrow, I hope to pull myself together and get back on the ball and really do this.
Last week was "recovery" week on the P90X program and of course I took complete advantage of that and thought I'd just watch my eating really closely and also maybe take some walks here and there. I did weed a few days (more about this disaster in a few), but I definitely was a complete lazy slacker other than that. I did maybe 4/7 of the P90X work outs and I only sort of ate, okay, not good. But, luckily, I didn't gain weight, which I was pretty sure I was going to. I stayed exactly the same. I still wish I would have dropped even a half a pound but that didn't happen. I guess after my break down I'm grateful that I stayed the same. But here's the thing, at the weight I'm at, to maintain I can eat exactly 1238192312 calories a day and not gain or loss a pound (it's a fact, google it) so maintaining isn't really that difficult, but when I'm down to my goal weight I'll only be able to eat 4 calories a day to maintain my weight (it's a fact, google it). So it'll be much harder to maintain when I get to my goal weight.
So, weeding the flower beds last week has resulted in poison ivy hell, literally. First of all, I use "IvyRest" (or something like that) every time I come inside, except one time...stupid one time...it's always "one time"...stupid. We moved into this house a little less than 2 1/2 years ago and the previous owners put a TON of money and work into the flower beds/landscaping but it looks like they maybe didn't keep up with it for the last 5 years or so they lived here. We've heard that one of them was maybe sick before they moved, but I honestly have no idea. So we have at least 2 flower beds that haven't been touched for a minimum of 6 years. And since last year Zoe was colic and well just a rough baby we really didn't get to it then either. Jeremy has spent DAYS chain sawing and getting it "park like" so I've been trying to work as much as I can on the flower beds. One is this huge area with a nice rock walk way and it's just gorgeous but the weeds have definitely taken control. Well, as I know better I didn't wear long sleeves and I have poison ivy from my wrist to my elbow on my right arm and almost that much on my left arm. Luckily I had gloves on. Now, there were no leaves on these stupid vines (yes, stupid is the word for all of this) so even though I noticed the vines and thought they 'could be' poison ivy I sort of dismissed it not seeing the leaves, but, alas, apparently this evil (maybe that should be the word) vine is poisonous even w/o the leaves! And there's A LOT more out there. I will not weed again in short sleeves, luckily I was smart enough to put on long pants. And every time i sweat the itching becomes to unbearable that there's actually been tears...so I haven't really worked out since. Plus for some reason, just exhausted...a lot. I finally broke down and got some IvyDry and some Benadryl so hopefully tomorrow I can pull myself together (thanks, Steph, it's really the best quote EVER) and get back on the ball.
On top of the poison ivy we had Church yesterday, a Living Lords Supper, it was pretty awesome and then a straight drive up to KC (3 1/2 hours) for a GORGEOUS wedding, it was so great, and then a 3 hour drive home. Everyone else slept at least the last 1 1/2 hours on the way home and then I had to be up to babysit today so I knew that even if I did work out it would have been sad and pathetic. Again, tomorrow, I hope to pull myself together and get back on the ball and really do this.
I guess we'll see. I'm beginning to realize that I thought this blog was going to be a motivation for some people and it's more like the way NOT to do things. It's going to take me a lot longer than I thought or expected to lose this weight. I know it's not supposed to be easy, if it was easy, people like me would just put it back on. However, in this exact moment, saying that I remember quitting smoking almost 7 years ago (May 10, 2004). It was easy, I know you think I'm being silly but it's the truth. I was at work, just fed up, my mom had died 3 1/2 months before and throwing almost a half a pack of cigarettes in the trash and just being done. I haven't smoked a cigarette since, I didn't crave them, I didn't shake or freak out or scream at people, I just quit. So, maybe this food thing CAN be that easy...hmmmm....
28 days (as of last Friday) until my birthday.
21 days until Memphis!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Title = Oops
Yeah, not feeling the title today. This sort of happens after I have a bad weigh in week, I'm really down on myself, I'm not working out to my fullest abilities, I'm making a million excuses not to work out. I actually spent the day cleaning, sending non personal emails, making non personal phone calls, pretty much my least favorite things to do. And I actually have a list of things in my head to do tomorrow, basically to avoid working out. My food choices are fair...if not poor.
UGH, I really don't like when I get like this. I try to get myself all pumped up after a bad week, thinking that I'll prove something to myself (and others) next week and instead I completely sabotage myself. It's kind of like someone who's been abused as a kid and they marry an abuser. Yes, I know it's sort of a long off analogy but just think about it... maybe it's irrational but it feels like that right now. A vicious cycle of food ridiculousness.
And, I thought I had all the motivation in the world, BSMF and my 31st Birthday. Part of the discouragement is that I should be at TWICE what I've lost and I'm going to be doing this the entire summer, if not longer!! So, I'm going to quit whining now and move on I guess. I sort of want to continue my pity party...
UGH, I really don't like when I get like this. I try to get myself all pumped up after a bad week, thinking that I'll prove something to myself (and others) next week and instead I completely sabotage myself. It's kind of like someone who's been abused as a kid and they marry an abuser. Yes, I know it's sort of a long off analogy but just think about it... maybe it's irrational but it feels like that right now. A vicious cycle of food ridiculousness.
And, I thought I had all the motivation in the world, BSMF and my 31st Birthday. Part of the discouragement is that I should be at TWICE what I've lost and I'm going to be doing this the entire summer, if not longer!! So, I'm going to quit whining now and move on I guess. I sort of want to continue my pity party...
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