Pregnancy can be hilarious

I would first like to start with a few things.  I am not, by ANY means, complaining about being pregnant.  I used to get so bothered by women who complained about being pregnant because it took me so long to have a baby (4 1/2 years with 4 lost babies) and I just always thought "at least you're pregnant".  So, even though I'm not one of those people who love being pregnant and I'm sure I have complained about things, I'm so grateful that I can get pregnant and have healthy babies.

Also, I am not trying to scare new moms or whatever, I honestly find these things hilarious.

There are things that happen to your body and your emotions that literally make no sense when you are pregnant.  The stretch alone that your stomach has is insane!  I mean, as you get toward the end, you actually think you're stomach can't possibly get any bigger and it does. 

This phenomenon brings a lot of things with it.  First, every organ that has claimed it's space in your gut has now become completely squished.  Mostly your lungs and your bladder, those two things seem to take the biggest hit.  Secondly, your entire center of gravity is off (this, honestly, is the least of your problems) but don't try anything too crazy, riding a bike (unless it's a stationary bike) is totally out of the question.  Third, you cannot paint your toenails, at least not well.  And if you do, it's probably something you should do in private because there's nothing pretty about it.  I did this today and it was pretty funny.  My 4 year old kept asking me why I was grunting.  And I actually thought I did a pretty decent job, then put on jellies (I'll get to this soon) and ruined just one toe!!!  There's also the problem with picking things up, I'm not sure if I'm just clumsier when I'm pregnant or I just notice more because picking things up has become a huge problem.  My 4 year old just asked me if after I have the baby I can start picking up my own stuff because so often he has to do it for me.  The best way to explain how you now have to pick up, is to think about a giraffe taking a drink of water from a river.  If you can't picture it, just keep thinking about it, you'll figure it out, it's ridiculous.

It will also be hard to do normal things, spit toothpaste out.  Why?  Because you can't reach the sink as before.  Also washing dishes will become somewhat of a task, again because your belly is right at counter height and it forces you to sort of lean over the sink.  It's awkward to say the least.

Now, let's talk about something more disgusting...Maybe I'll just leave it like this...You are never done peeing when you think you are.  And once you're belly expands to a point that you've never thought possible, wiping...well..it's interesting.

As part of the stomach expanding, I was unwilling to try to put on tennis shoes today, probably because I exhausted all my stretching trying to paint my toenails, so it was warmish, so I grabbed my jellies.  It was great to say the least, not only did they somehow mess up ONE toe of my painting job. It really did look like a bunch of pigs trying to escape out of a pig pen.  I will not wear these again, I will probably wear flip flops or slippers until the day I give birth.

Nesting:   With Zoe I was a nesting fool, with Isaac we didn't have much room to nest.  With this one, I go in spurts.  One day I will spend the entire day going crazy doing stuff and then the next few days I literally do nothing (there's no such thing when you're a mom).  I have written about my to-do list and well I've come to terms with many things on there that will not be getting done, it's fine, I do not feel crazy about it as I did a few weeks ago. The nesting is funny because every mom is different when it comes to what they need to do or how they need to do it and some have no desire to nest whatsoever. 

On to the things you start to think about the closer your due date approaches...

1.  OMG, will my water break________ (while I'm at church, in the store, in the car, in the bed).  You will literally think of it everywhere you go.  My water has never broken on it's own, so I'm not sure why being on my third baby I'd be worried about such a thing, but I do. 

2.  Will I poop when I'm pushing?  EVERYONE will think of this, I literally thought of it so much it consumed me when I was pushing with Isaac.  If you do, you will probably not even know you did it, don't worry, but it's natural to think about it.  And honestly, who cares?  Your having a baby, poop wherever you want...

3.  Holy crap there's a baby in my shoulder, eye...  Okay maybe this one if just me, but if I get a twitch in any other part of my body, my first thought is there is a baby there, for like one second I think it.  My kids were all SUPER movers in my belly, like if they weren't kicking they had the hiccups, so when other parts of my body randomly spasm what else am I supposed to think?

4.   Is that a contraction?  Oh wait, is that a contraction?  Is that my mucus plug?  Yes, every movement, every Braxton Hick (I have SOOOO many of these), every pinch, twinge, pull, push will making your head spin that you are in labor.  This time, it is only mildly amusing to me, because there is so much going on right now that I sort of feel like I cannot go into labor yet.  Where typically, since I'm 38 weeks I'd be praying for this baby to get here right now, I'm begging Kiwi to hold out until at least late week....

5.  Why is it so flipping hot in here?  I mean, can't we just keep the heat off for the entire winter?  Why do we even need it?  There's so much heat radiating off my body I could probably heat the entire town.  And then the hot flashes happen (this is a new one to me) I get this awesome bead of sweat right above my upper lip, and as I'm writing about it, it's happening.  The closer I get the more often these things happen.

6.  Who am I going to call in the middle of the night? This might not be a problem for you.   This isn't exactly funny, and truthfully I have lots of support, but the best support, my mom, isn't here, so I ALWAYS worry about being a bother to people.  It's not bothering your own mom, ever, but for everyone else even though they SWEAR it's not, it seems sort of like a bother.  However, I do have this covered.  But the emotional break down I had the last couple days because of it was unreal.  Today, it's funny (the break down, not that my mom is not around)...tomorrow it may happen again (which is sort of funny too). 

7.  Oh I need to call (for me it's my baby brother, Andy), oh, my phone is in the other room.  Guess I'll call tomorrow (repeat everyday).   I really need some more water, well, if I wait it out my ice well melt and I can just drink that...

8.  This, is probably not funny, but I know that the closer I get to having a baby the more people annoy me.  I mean, like really really really annoy me.  With that being said, I'm also insanely sentimental when it comes to my husband.  I think about how busy he is at work and how I just want him here taking care of me and the kids.  I mean last week, had I went into labor on a few specific days, he either wouldn't have been able to be at the hospital at all, or he would have been able to see Kiwi delivered and then he would have had to leave.  Not to mention, we didn't have a lot of help for overnights with the other kids so he wouldn't have been able to spend the night at the hospital much, if at all.  All of those things combined (with missing my mom) sent me into a two day crying spree.  Literally, anything would set me off.  And everytime I cried I'd sweat...ha!

This is a much more random thought and probably only pertains to me.  I had probably one of the most hilarious conversations ever about the "bottle" you are given after birth.  TWO ladies (okay, I'm giving them up, it's my sister in laws) want me to "steal" them one of these bottles.  So I often wonder how I'm going to pull this conversation off with my nurses.  Should I just be honest?  "yes, my sister in laws are ridiculous and would like those squirt bottles, can I get two extra please?"  Or...I've thought about this "We do gag gifts for my family for Christmas (true statement but not the right side of the family) and I'd like to use two of those squirt bottles for my gag gifts."  Then I've thought about losing my squirt bottle, but is that even really possible? I mean, come on, you're in a hospital room, someone changes the trash, changes your sheets, cooks your meals, (LOVE), it's not exactly easy to just "lose" things.  So, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm confiscating two clean squirt bottles, and it's hilarious to think about how I'm going to accomplish this and what's funnier is WHY in the world are my weirdo sister in laws wanting these?!?!  Maybe they should just put in a bidet.   I honestly think they are wanting one just to see if I can get them and just to embarass me :)

As I loom closer and closer to my "due date".  (It's so weird having a due date when I have a scheduled c section.  I wont' make it to 40 weeks, because if all else fails they deliver Kiwi at 39 weeks.  So it's been so weird when people ask when my due date is, I finally just started saying 39 weeks, it makes more sense).  But as I loom closer and closer I feel very overwhelmed.  Had we followed my "plan" I would just now be like 8 - 12 weeks pregnant, but God had another plan and I'm honestly grateful.  I'm pretty glad I wont' have to be pregnant again, even if I wanted more kids, it's honestly not really a great idea to go through another c section.  The only "regret" I have is not being skinny and pregnant, I know this sounds assanine to some people.  But for my last pregnancy I really wanted to be smaller (I don't really like the word skinny) then I'd have this cute belly, but I'm not mad about it, just wish I would have gotten myself healthier before I got pregnant again!  However, with that being said, I dont' have to "worry" about getting pregnant again and I can spend the rest of my life keeping myself healthy!

Sitting here, blogging this, it's a few days in the making.  It's so funny to feel what my body is doing.  The miracle of carrying and having a baby is beyond my comprehension.  Women's bodies are so unbelievable to me.   I've finally stopped gagging when I think about laying in the surgery room, I've claimed my rights in Jesus and know this will be the easiest, healthiest and best delivery thus far.  I anticipate what I'll feel if they say "It's a girl" or "It's a boy".  Both excite me for many different reasons.  I think about introducing Zoe and Isaac to the new baby.  (And, yes, I think about being up all night, for a long time, but that's okay.)

Kiwi's feet are in my ribs and I can feel baby just pushing down.  I'm still getting hot flashes often  and small, occassional braxton hicks (I will continue to call them that until they become consistent).  Everytime I have to stand up for something I'm pretty convinced my water will break, but...that hasn't happened yet.  And I have to pee about every 30 minutes.   If Kiwi holds out, tomorrow, I'm either goign to my dads to ask him to make me biscuits and gravy (yes, I NEED it) or I'm hopefully gonna get some more stuff done on my list.  Actually, I just felt a burst of energy, time to sand some dresser drawers :)