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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Denial and Delusional

I try to be as transparent as possible in my blog, sometimes it's hard, as it often sounds like I'm complaining rather than just talking through things in my head and releasing them on paper.  And sometimes I just sound pure crazy.  I have been a journal-er my entire life.  In 6th grade our English Teacher required us to write, which I hated then, but eventually realized how easy it was to just get it out - on paper and then it was over!  Well, in most cases it was over.  After re-reading some old journal entries, I actually lied in them, yup, lied, I don't know why.  I always wanted to be cooler than I was so I often made things up to make myself sound cooler, but...no one read it but me, so I was trying to fool myself?  Delusional I am.  I've often thought about sharing some of my old poems and journal entries and stories that I wrote as a pre-teen/teen because some of them are hilarious (not ha-ha funny but 'I feel sorry for that girl' funny.)

In a recent conversation with my husband I actually said "I'm in a constant state between denial and delusional."  The good news, I've actually gotten past guilt.  I'm not sure what's better, denial and delusion or guilt.  All seem to lead to one common place - I have no will power.  Okay, that doesn't even make sense, AT ALL!  But the truth is, I'm beginning to really dislike myself (I'm currently working on deleting hate from my vocabulary, we were never allowed to say it as kids and I just don't like the word), I'm not myself at all anymore.  I haven't been able to finish a blog post in a long time, I delete my facebook status updates probably 10 times a day without ever posting them, I am DREADING the idea of going to church tomorrow and then a picnic after because I can't get away with wearing sweat pants or gym shorts and a baggie stained t-shirt.  I actually have to put on jeans and a nice top.  I don't have one pair of shorts or capri's that fit me so I have to wear jeans everywhere, which, in case you don't know the entire country is having an insane heat wave.  And most of the shirts I own are also slightly too small.  And let's not even talk about nursing bras, which are usually the most comfortable bras on the planet, nope, not at all, it makes me look like I have three sets of back boobs...  And, YES, I'm too cheap to buy any new stuff, and well, we're a very big family on one income so my clothes needs are usually the last ones taken care of.

Just the other day my husband took a picture of me and my gorgeous baby girl, which should be a good thing, it's not.  I'm so great at taking 'self portraits'.  I mean I should get paid for it, it's one of my best talents.  So I can make myself look pretty amazing, but, I was at a bad angle and well, my face was HUGE!  I honestly looked like a gorilla, that is how huge my face looked.  I think I had probably 2 side chins.  Even my eyebrows looked fat, I was purely disgusted by it.  I know, I know, I'm being really hard on myself and I'm a 'pretty' girl, but it's gotten beyond looks at this point.  I have zero confidence, zero motivation, zero energy, zero lots of things.  And I think about how terrible I feel (and look) that it consumes me, all the time.  I'm either thinking about food or thinking about how I can avoid working out.

The working out, isn't actually the hard part to me, yes, it sucks working out when I have lists and lists of things to do or I have one more kid crying or whining while I'm trying to work out, but I can typically get at least a 30 minute work out in 5 days a week.  I would like to be a jogger/runner again, so that is the hard part, most of my working out has to be inside because I have my kids 24/7, but whatever a work out is a work out.  The eating, it's the eating that's really doing me in.  I eat, all the time.  I tell people "I'm just so hungry", it's not really true.  Yes, I am hungrier than I used to be and nursing does make women hungrier than normal, but I'm really not as hungry as I like to tell people.  I'm not really sure if I'm bored (which seems completely impossible), or I'm stressed or what I am.  I don't know why I do it, I don't know why I can't walk past the pantry without eating a cookie.  Yes, get the out of the house, would make perfect sense, but I also believe that I need to learn to do this in the midst of temptation and just life. 

So, that's where I'm at, I slowly keep gaining weight, I quit weighing myself a couple weeks ago because I thought I had an okay week and gained 4 pounds - which equals about 14,000 EXTRA calories that week, which is totally impossible (and that's if I did no exercise, which I did work out that week....so....) and it destroyed any bit of confidence I was starting to feel.   I'm getting jigglier, which is so gross, my clothes look terrible, even my 'go to' fat clothes looks hideous right now.  I even gave up wearing make up unless at church because I've lost pretty much every ounce of confidence I've ever had.    I really don't know what to do....I dont' want to give up, this I know but it almost seems like I have without actually saying I have. 

I do know this, there will be quite possibly FOUR super important people I love soooo much getting married in the next 3 months to 18 months (give or take) and the thought of looking like this makes me want to tell each of them that I cant' be in their weddings (I've always wanted to be in a wedding!!!) so....do you think that realization made me do something different today?  No... WHY?!? UGH!

P.S. My husband would be proud, I just hit the 'spell check' and not one word was spelled wrong.  I guess it's a good thing there's not a grammar check!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

What Can I Do?

I feel like I am busy all day long and absolutely nothing gets done.  This, apparently, is very normal for moms.  This sort of chaos those puts me in a little bit of a panic, which causes anxiety, which often causes me to eat more.  Yes, I am an emotional eater, no ifs, ands or buts about it.  There is never NOT a reason to eat as far as I'm concerned.  We are now a month from when I "decided" that I was going to gift myself the present of a healthy person, nope, haven't done it.  This is probably the one thing in life I should quit procrastinating.  (Procrastination is another one of those skills I'm amazing at, like changing the subject and crying on command.)

I did, hurray me, give up diet soda/aspartame. After I gave it up, I officially became a coffee drinker.  I have two cups every morning, with creamer (duh! How do people drink it without creamer?).  And then water the rest of the day.  After the initial 4 - 6 days of getting all the junk out of my body I felt better.  Then I desperately needed caffeine and I "relapsed".  I felt like crap for another couple days, I almost immediately got a headache and I even noticed a change in behavior of Josie (remember, she's being nursed).  She wasn't sleeping as well during the day and just plain fussy.  So, I stopped drinking it again.  Then I gave myself the leniency to drink regular soda, which not only is loaded with calories but is not exactly good for me.  But, after drinking a couple of those, I could just feel the yuck in my body and have only had one soda (regular) in probably 5 days and no diet soda for at least 12 days.  I'd love to say "I feel like a million bucks!"  But, first, I have no idea what a million bucks feels like.  And when people say this, do they mean the actual physical FEEL of the dollars or do they mean it like personified or do they mean what it would feel like to OWN a million bucks?  And second, I still want soda, until I remember the headaches and what not and then decide I don't.  The only drinking water thing is sort of getting to me (let's be honest, water is boring and I don't exactly like any of those flavor things for water).  I do sometimes have tea, but it's really just water with leaves boiled into it...still boring....

I have been exercising at least 4 days a weeks.  Sometimes a 45 minute walk, sometimes a 25 minute all body work out.  Nothing to write home about (ha).  But, at least I'm doing something. 

So, let's recap.  8+ years ago I gave up smoking, cold turkey.  Not a side effect (well, unless you count the million pounds I put on...yeah, okay, so one side effect).  I quit drinking diet soda, which I honestly never thought I'd give up, I thought I'd just cut back and that's as far as it would go.  But, I cannot stop myself from eating pretty much everything I see and then some.  How is this possible?  I get it, somewhat, that food is actually a necessary evil.  I have to eat to survive, I do not have to smoke or drink soda to survive.  But, I do not have to eat 1823901283 cookies to survive, at least, as far as I know I don't.

And this morning I was thinking about evolution, which I don't believe, and here is my reason why.  (Well, there's a lot of reasons, but here's the one I will discuss right now, which is not backed by any scientific fact - shocked?)   If we have an obesity epidemic in our society, why are there not callouses in our inner thighs?  Yup, that's right, this would totally avoid the 'chub rub', the chafing.  Or..OMG, will I eventually develop a callous?  Will I be like 80 and have inner thigh callouses cause they've been rubbing together for so dang long?!  EEK!

Luckily I have a friend at church, who's been so super supportive and encouraging.  She's lost weight, twice actually (after her last two kids), and she's full of energy and life and has recently quit smoking too!  And she texts me pretty much everyday to remind me to work out.  She's never judgy and always encouraging, it's been great.  And when I text her that I did before she texts me so always very proud of me.  I never thought this was something I'd like, but it's been very helpful. 

So, now, we combat the food and how do we do that?  With the grace and mercy of God alone!