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Thursday, December 29, 2011

The always missed Christmas Decoration

The title may seem a little misleading because I'll probably talk about more than this, however, I've never really cared about my titles...soooooo....!

I put away Christmas stuff today, honestly, I was over Christmas on Christmas Day.  I'm not a scrooge, or at least try not to be, but I was pretty exhausted this year.  However, today I finally got around to it.  As I was packing stuff away, the plan was to make sure all my stuff fit into the 3 Red Tubs I have.  Here's the deal, when putting things away I was counting my cloth napkins (which I got at a resale shop simply for my ladies Christmas dinner, but I'm glad I did) and I could only find seven, yeah seven.  Which means, somewhere is a green napkin laying around, awesome!  This happens every year, about a week after Christmas I find one straggling thing laying around that never made it into storage and honestly, I will not go downstairs, manuveur around our games, open the tub and then find a spot for it.  Last year it was a frog ornament.  I'm not even sure where it even came from, but it sat in my desk drawer the entire year, yup, this is why my life is at time chaos but the frog ornament did make it in the tubs this year.  Anyway, so this year I walked around the house like a million times (for sure) to make sure I had everything, and I'm pretty sure I got it, EXCEPT that stupid green napkin!!!!  Am I the only one that has this problem?  It's like the sock gnome that steals the socks out of the dryer (I get so excited when the entire load has matching socks), how does it even happen?  I put everything out, I know what's out and where I put it....HOW does it vanish just long enough for me to put everything else away?

THEN how in the world do you get all the ornaments back in the box/boxes they go in?  How am I supposed to remember what box it came out of?  My mom wrote on bags and tried to write on all ornaments and boxes, but even that doesn't always help!  "Mom, I do NOT remember which ornament I made for Dad in 1987.  NOR do I remember what ornament grandma got me in 1982."  I gave up on the bags today, it was like the worst mind game I've ever been a part of!  It's like a blind folded game of Tetrus.  I do not understand this phenenom.  Again, am I the only one with this issue?  Can't they put a picture of the ornament on the outside of the box?  That would make the most sense to me.  And if it doesn't come in a box, then what am I supposed to do?  I mean, at least I can just wrap it in bubble wrap or whatever and put it in a shoe box, but then I don't remember where I got it...  It's like a vicious cycle once a year that I think about even after the box is put away and I shouldn't care anymore.  Until next year when they stare me in the face, mocking me because they are still disorganized and confusing and I have no clue where some of them came from.....  Oh next Christmas I already want to punch you!  Oh and by the way, when we were putting the boxes in storage (which is a tiny space that is never fun to try to get around in) we found a small box of my mom's Christmas stuff, which means it did NOT all fit in 3 red tubs...and you can just assume that I didn't try, left my mom's box where it was....cause that's what I did! 

Oh man, upon re-reading I just had the greatest idea!  Maybe, okay, WAIT, WOAH, I need to remember myself for a second,  I already know this is an idea that I'll probably never do, but maybe someone else will... I could take pictures of all the ornaments, print those off (small photos) and write on the back of the photos where it came from.  THEN either tape it on the box (or slide it inside the box) or if it doesn't have a box then I could slide the photo inside a baggie along with bubble wrap or whatever... sound great, now, to follow through.  In 2012 I need more follow through I think!

Speaking of disorganized, Kiwi's room has become "shove everything in here I don't want to deal with and shut the door".  All the Christmas boxes were in there so I'm so glad that's out, but it's still the biggest, most disorganized mess and it's sort of freaking me out.  Today I'm only a little over 10 weeks from my scheduled c-section, at 39 weeks.  I've never carried longer than 38 BUT I'm believing for the scheduled date, it's the date I want, so Kiwi and I have talked about it, baby is staying in there until that date!!!  So, upon realizing I only have 10 weeks left and we all know I'm only going to get even more ginormous and unmotivated and whatever, I really need to get on top of my "do before Kiwi gets here" list.  I haven't officially made the list, but it's in my mind right nowm but I will make a list, I love lists, the crossing off, it's like therapy.  First things first, I have to deal with the baby's room.  The time is going to fly, as it always does.  Funny thing, a friend of mine (Candice Davis) told me when I was near the end with Zoe, to make a to -do list and when I crossed off the last thing I'd have her.   It's honestly what happened.  The last thing on my list was to dust the fans and clean bugs out of light covers.  I did that Wednesday afternoon before church and that night at church I was in labor.   It could be coincidence, but I still think it's funny.

One more thing!  So the no 'pooing.  My hair is dry, I need to research this.  I've read olive oil, I DO NOT want to do this and I won't honestly.    It's really gets dried out about day 2 or 3 after I 'wash'.  So, IDK, I'll have to research this, maybe I just need to wash every 4 days or something.  About 2 weeks ago we had a lice episode at the house and it's the first time I've EVER had to deal with lice, so I shampooed with the Rid stuff, not because I personally had any lice but because I didn't want any!  I thought, better safe than sorry!  So I'm not sure if this has restarted the 'transition' period.  I also switched from white vinegar to apple cider vinegar.  I read on a few sites that's what they use, so I switched.  The smell is wayyyy more pungent, which is sort of grossing me out, but my hair still doesn't smell, it just stinks in the shower.  So, still working with this.  I like the curls coming back and I love not wasting money on shampoo/conditioner so I will keep at it.

And in a week or two I'm having myself a little "home made cleaner" party.  Starting with laundry stuff.  I'm kind of excited about it!!! 

That's it, hopefully the next couple days I will talk about 2012.  Since this started almost exactly a year ago...time to reflect and renew :)

Friday, December 16, 2011

Update on no 'pooing and whatever else I feel like talking about

I don't know if I'm at like 2 weeks or week 3.  But it seems like I'm still a little bit in the transition period of this 'no pooing'.  The first week didn't bother me at all.  Now it's this weird combination of 'is my hair greasy or dry'.  One minute it'll feel a little greasy the next it has soooo many fly aways and looks very dried out!  My hair is pulled back most of the time, and when it's down I can usually work it out so it doesn't look ridiculous.  I have used a little product on it, not shampoo or conditioner, but usually a little smoothing serum and I did spray it with leave in conditioner last week sometime and a few nights ago I used "curl booster", but nothing crazy, I've never used a lot of product in my hair, well once I got out of high school when aqua net was one of my best friends.  I definitely am still about this and am sticking with it.  My hair has definitely gotten some curl back.  I decided to go get a trim last night, it's been 6 months or so and the girl even noticed it was dried out.  She had no clue that I don't use shampoo/conditioner, so that's good!  Weird, that it's dried out, I was definitely expecting it to be greasy.  I don't know if it's the weather or my method, but I can fix dried out easier than greasy, so I'm going with it.

Here's a few things I have learned.  First, I really only "wash" every 5 days, this works for me, at least for the first few weeks.  I would recommend to REALLY try to last 5 days and just push through the transition period.  I still have the urge occasionally to shampoo/condition my hair, simply because of the lathering, the routine, the habit (more about habits at some point), but I'm excited to see how my hair will be in a few months, so I resist.  If you're trying to get body back in your hair:  There was a time months ago where I would only brush my hair before the shower, because I thought it helped with my curls.  Only to realize that when I had to brush it again in a few days I was ripping my hair out of my head, no matter how careful I was being.  So...if you're wanting your hair to get some natural wave/curl back I wouldn't recommend not combing your hair, instead just avoid putting it in a pony tail until it's totally dry.  And since I stay at home, pretty much all the time, my hair is always in a pony tail, it's hard to not do it, but I've been resisting.   And it's especially been hard not to considering this transition period, but I'm sticking it out..  Secondly (okay I realize that everything I said under "first" does not go together, I've never claimed to be a grammar specialist/or whatever), keep your mouth closed really tight when putting this stuff in your hair.  It's obviously going to be very runny, it's well a cup of water really.  As far as I tip my head back (and yes, I do currently have a double back neck, that really cute roll of fat in the back of my neck that when I throw my head back in laughter - or to wash it - shows up, and probably inhibits how far back my head will actually go, whatever) I still tend to get a little bit of stuff on my face and you'll taste it.  It's not exactly yummy.  Thirdly, DO NOT shave your legs BEFORE you do this.  The water/vinegar mixture will run down your freshly shaven legs and it will burn, badly!  So, just wait to shave until after you've washed.  I also wash my body last, just in case there's any smell of vinegar.  I have not noticed any greasy smell or dirty smell in my hair , my hair actually smells pleasant but I do plan on getting some essential oil and I've had my husband smell it multiple times and no vinegar smell either.  When I actually take the time to edit my photos (thanks Pinterest - I'm a new member) I will post pictures of my hair.  I think I should have one from each week.

I was at dinner Monday night with some ladies from church, it was a great night really.  And mentioned something about not shampooing anymore, which most people just ask about, no judgement.  My hair doesn't stink or look gross by any means.  But when I came home and told my husband that the subject came up he said "you probably shouldn't advertise that."  Does he know me at all???!!  I have no issues being an open book to my life, past, present or future.  I'm not ashamed of anything I've done in the past or choose to do now, I'm human!  I think what he was REALLY saying was "people already think you're weird, why give them anymore ammunition?"  And, well, that's probably true.

One of the biggest desires of my heart is to NEVER let a person in front of me at the grocery store pay for their groceries, or the person behind me in the drive thruchapstick my aunt makes, to buy like 100 from her and walk around with them and just randomly hand them out to people (obviously this will help my aunt too), to make the phone calls I say I will make, to open my doors when another mom needs a day out or a date with their husband, or any of those things.  To quit always talking about myself and actually start listening to people and asking questions.

At one point I thought how amazing it would be to collect the stories of my congregation at my church and make a book about it.  When someone had a prayer request, a need, a struggle, then we'd know who to send them through, someone who's been through the same thing.  Or just to be a book that will encourage someone that's going through anything at all.

That's it for today!  Yes, random, with no purpose, my English teacher would have NEVER accepted this paper :)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

For my Friend And Soon to be First Time Mom

My good friend, Terrie, is soon to have her first baby.  She swears she knows nothing, I'm sure her instincts will kick in, but when she swears her husbands knows nothing, this I will believe.  However, I told her today I would blog about things a first time mom should know, I have no instructions but I do have stuff to say...

First, during pregnancy, no matter how organized you think you are, you probably aren't.  The "mom mush brain" starts during this time, you will forget every day things and it continues until your child is much older.  This is fine, you can always blame the "mom mush brain" for phone calls you forgot to make, mismatched socks or the baby picture you forgot to bring to the baby shower.  It's a great idea to try to be organized, but after baby gets here, you will rearrange things like 100 times, this is normal.

At the hospital, you "lose" things.  Whatever they open for you, you get to take home.  If you are only there 48 hours (normal delivery) you will probably not have as much luck at this, as I do, since I am there 72 hours, but by all means try, and the nurses know what you are doing, so they wont' judge you.  When they open the pack of diapers, pretend to change the baby's diaper every 15 minutes or so (instead shoving them into a diaper bag) and they will open a new pack of diapers for you, that you get to take home.  If they have to give your baby Tylenol for any means and they only use it once they are "supposed" to throw it in the trash, some nurse will wink at you and leave it on the table, others will throw it away just take it, it's totally fine.  You will also get these pads that are the biggest, non adult diaper pads you've ever seen, take them home, not only are they free, but they are also very absorbent and comfortable, and if you happen to go through like 25 in a day, they will bring you more.  The hospital issued pacifiers are the greatest, lose them, a lot, they will bring you new ones!  (Although my kids never took them anyway.)  You will also receive a free diaper bag (at least this is the case in most hospitals), it contains free sample, if you tell them you are nursing the formula sample is small, if you tell them you are formula feeding the sample is much bigger, if you want the bigger sample just tell them.  ALSO, hide it as soon as you get it, then if the nurse on the second shift notices you don't have one, you may be offered a second one.  Do not feel bad about taking it, formula DOES NOT cost $25/can to make this I promise you.  The diaper bag is not exactly useful, but you'll feel better by donating it to the local Goodwill or whatever, someone will use it.  Or you can use it as the 'back up' diaper bag you leave in the car, for those cicircumstances that you forgot the real diaper bag or the baby poops through two outfits, or you forgot to restock the diapers in the real one, etc.

During delivery, the nurses will teach you and coach you through everything you need to know.  There is NOTHING they haven't seen, seriously, nothing, and if you do gross stuff they will not even tell you it happened, they will move on, you will be none the wiser.  You will not see your doctor until like the baby is almost out, get to know your nurses, they will DEFINITELY get to know you in ways you never imagined.  When your water breaks (either on it's on or if they have to do it), it smells like Chlorine, I have no idea why, but I personally think it's because if gives a woman a sense of clean during a time that's very messy.   There are things that may happen that you never read about in books (for me, it was vomiting and shaking) however, again, the nurses have seen it, nothing you do or your body does will scare them or even really panic them.  They are the calmest people I've ever met on the planet.  By all means, ASK for the pain medicine every 3 hours, you get to push a button and be demanding and someone walks a cup of water and pain medicine to you, this will probably not happen at home, so take advantage.  Also, you have to follow your instincts (for example, I was told not to nurse my son until after his circumcision, the doctor was 3 hours late, by the time little man got out of surgery he was so insanely hungry he wouldn't latch again, my mothering instinct told me to feed him, the nurses told me not to, I wish I would have listened to my instincts).  The instincts apply to many things, use them they your greatest resource.

After baby gets here you will find out things that came easily before are no longer easy, if not down right impossible.  For me, it was mostly getting to places on time.  Now, I wasn't always good at that as it was, but now it's so much worse.  Even if you're not taking baby with you OR let's say you get totally organized (or so you think) the night before, something will happen.  The baby will poop everywhere, or decide to take 2 hours to drink 1 bottle of milk, when it normally takes them 20 minutes.  Or, the baby doesn't wake at 6:45 or before, like usual, and you have set your alarm for 6:45, I promise you those extra 15 minutes of sleep or so worth it to show up late.  I feel like if my kids don't wake me up, I have no reason to be out of bed yet.  If you had a clear car before baby, it will no longer be clean.  Maybe not at first, but soon, very soon, she will hold her own bottle, then decide to throw it, or she will need 17 toys at one time, only to watch them slowly fall off her lap onto the floor and you won't pick them up when you go inside because your hands are always full!  You will always be carrying at least one bag, if you are a purse carrier, you will be carrying two bags.  At first you will thank that you'll just carry your stuff in the diaper bag, this will not be as easy as you think and you will eventually carry two bags.  Then there's always a bottle in your hand for baby and maybe a bottle of water in your hand for yourself.  Not to mention keys, possibly a cell phone (because we KNOW those maternity pants that you still have to wear briefly after baby DO NOT have pockets that can carry anything other than a tic tac...yes ONE tic tac, not ONE container of tic tacs).  The car seat + the baby weighs probably 123982912 pounds, when you put baby in for the first time it's like this "awww, look how little she looks in that big car seat" then you have to carry it in and out of places and you think your child weighs that of an adult elephant.  And there is no easy way to carry those things, they are big, heavy and insanely awkward, you will use more wet or dirty carts that you ever thought, AND you will also park closer to cart corrals simply because it's faster and easier to put carts away.

Some hospitals require that you take these "classes", mine were conveniently located on a touch screen video that just came down from over my head, and I could lay in bed and watch them.  They might not be required, but I was there 5 days last time, and didn't have many visitors so...I watched them.  The nurses DO NOT think it's funny to laugh at the videos, they are apparently very serious, but I promise you it's also very funny.  Speaking of funny, the maconium (I totally spelled that wrong) poop is probably the funniest moment you'll ever have in your life.  I hope someone who finds poop as equally as funny as I do is there to enjoy this moment with you.  For me, with both children my sister was there and when I was changing a regular pee diaper and I pushed baby's legs back to put the new diaper under, that motion somehow squeezed the tiny little belly and the blackest (or purplest, I cannot decide which color it is) poop you've ever seen comes screaming out, luckily both times I've had the new diaper in place, but the whole thing was so funny!  IF you had a normal delivery, cross your legs, you may pee (not on purpose, those sort of things just happen now, this should be added to things that you thought were easy that are almost impossible now - holding your pee), if you've had a c-section, you need to brace your stomach with a soft pillow when you laugh, because it will hurt, and then it'll be so funny that it's hurting that you'll laugh even more or that might be the medicine, whatever. 

There will also come a moment at the hospital that you realize you are going to have to do this on your own.  This may be overwhelming, for me, it was beyond that.  I actually walked out to the nurses station in tears, they did not freak out, again, they've seen it all.  They helped me through, answered any questions I had but the thought of going home and doing it alone (yes, we have husbands, but we're the mom) was a little more than I could handle for a few moments.  These feelings are very normal, but if for some reason they linger longer than you feel is "normal" you should probably tell someone, but you are probably not nearly as neurotic as I am....

And finally, being a mom means, not panicking.  If you react, your child will react.  Which means if you over-react, so will your kid.  If you child wants to use your nasty flip flop as her teething ring, there is no harm in that.  If you decide not to make every person sanitize up to their elbows every time they touch your baby, that is fine.  If all those neat little contraptions that you bought for baby (or got as a gift) your baby never even touches, it's totally fine, there is nothing wrong with your kid, just blame the product. 

And when all else fails call your mom or hand baby to daddy and breathe!!!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Let's try no 'pooing...

I probably shouldn't admit this, but let's be honest, I say A LOT of things I probably shouldn't.  But, I CANNOT be the only woman on Earth who gets like 5 really annoying, random hairs on my chin that are like coarse and disgusting and grow at random intervals and are never there at the same time and when you go to pluck them you can NEVER find them.  And when you pluck one, like 2 days later there's another one that's as long as your forearm.  How does this happen????

Here's something new.  I have decided to quit shampooing my hair, or as many people call it "No 'Pooing" and some of you probably think I'm doing it, just so I can say I'm not pooing, and as much as I LOVE saying it, it's not why I decided.  There are a few reasons.  Number one, I really do not like buying and paying for shampoo and conditioner, especially once I knew that all your doing it stripping your hair of it's natural oils and then putting some back in.  That doesn't even make sense.  It's like rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher (okay, it's not like that because I totally do that, but it might be like that for some people).  Or maybe it's like brushing your teeth before you get in the shower, just do it at the same time, geez (that's more like me).  So, upon reading this post written by a friend of a totally awesome friend, I thought interesting.  And, the idea of possibly getting back some of my curls is great too!  THEN, to be honest, which I try to always be, I only shampoo my hair twice a week as it is, MAYBE three times, if we're out of the house a lot.  I do love my hair, so whatever I can do to keep it healthy is good by me. 

The last time I used shamp/cond was last Wednesday, then on Sunday I rinsed my hair in the shower (other than that I just didn't get my hair wet when I showered) Then yesterday I actually "washed" my hair and it is GREAT!  Well, first, let me explain DO NOT make the baking soda/water mixture with cold water and then got into a hot shower and try to dump it on your head, that was really dumb.  But whatever, I did it.  I actually used 2 tablespoons of baking soda, versus 1 and I was sort of wanting a fizzy feeling or something, I guess we're all so used the "suds", but nothing really happened.  I "massaged" it into my scalp/hair.  Then rinsed, then did the 1 tablespoon vinegar with 1 cup of water (hot water from the shower this time) and dumped it on my hair, rinsed.  So, got out of the shower, combed through my hair and that was that.  My hair is actually really soft and not at all greasy and I made my best friend smell it, it doesnt' smell weird at all, it actually smelled sort of good.  So, hurray, week 1 a success!

I'm not by any means a "crunchy" mom, we buy LOTS of boxed foods, I drink a lot of soda and give my kid juice and koolaid, I don't think I even have anything "green" or even organic in my house.  And we only recycle aluminum, because they'll pay me for it, everything else goes in the trash, and I honestly feel no remorse for it.  My parents pretty much recycled everything, not because they cared about the environment, the only reason they recycled was because they refused to pay for trash pick up and so the recycled everything they could and burned what they couldn't.  Sounds reasonable to me.  One day I will get better, not for any other reason that I'm thrifty and if it'll help my kids in any way (body, mind, etc) I will gladly try it.  But, obviously, I'm slow to all things I do, so I will get around to it!

So, on a "healthy" note, I have officially decided to dump the soda at of January 1st.  Last year I started the diet, then some hot guy that lives with me and gave me a big ole rock like 8 1/2 years ago (okay, my husband) knocked me up (hurray!), so that came to an end after a poor showing of only 21 pounds in about 6 months.  But, whatever, I'm past it, next year is a brand new year with NO chances of getting pregnant!  My daughter was very colic, for about 5 months, it was pretty miserable, I honestly don't remember those 5 months much.  I drank 2 caffeinated sodas a day and then tried to stay off the caffeine as best as I could, but, I didn't sleep, so I really needed it.  So, I decided, what if by some freak chance Kiwi could possibly be addicted to caffeine or soda pre

You know, I kind of feel like writing about my dad, so I think I'll go do that.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Being a Mom..

There are so many things I had no idea about before I had kids. 

I'll get the most serious one out of the way:
Guilt/Judgement:  It'll generally start when your kid(s) is born.  A nurse, doctor, friend, family member will just simply question your choice of feeding, or if you're co-sleeping or not, if the coat goes under the car seat straps or over, if you're filing your kids nails or cutting them.  And the "harmless advice" will pretty much immediately feel like judgement or guilt.  Now, probably not all people are judging your parenting choices, but some people are and whether they are or not, as a parent, it will feel like judgement.  I don't know why, and maybe it is just me and I have bigger issues than I thought.  I never asked, or I simply didn't care, anyone to wash/sanitize their hands before holding my kids.  They are insanely healthy children, but maybe your kids are healthy too and you had people do that.  Hearing I'm having a 3rd section raises people eyebrows, like I CHOSE my first one, I promise you I tried to push that kid out of my woo-woo and it just wasn't happening and I did argue the 2nd one.  But it may not be the ideal choice or the perfect situation but it's the best for me, my baby and my body. 
The guilt/unassuming judgement will continue as your kids get older and sometimes will get worse.  If you're a Stay At Home Mom, you'll hear all sorts of judgment.  Some people will think you're husband is controlling, and some people will never understand why you don't have extra money to go out to eat or go the movies and then they'll question why you don't try to make extra money to do that sort of thing or they'll judge your husband for not making those resources available to you.  And I promise there is your own guilt for not financially contributing to the household, especially if money is tight.  People will assume your kids will be behind b/c they aren't in pre-school, they will think they lack social skills or wont' have friends, etc.  And if you do work outside the home you'll receive the same judgement and guilt.  Your kid is always sick b/c they go to day care, you only have 5 short years before kindergarten, your kid will prefer peers over parents.  UGH.  It's all whats best for you and your family, I tell myself that everyday but I also hear guilt whispering in my ear.  THEN when your kid is in school, to be a room mother or not to be a room mother, to be able to attend field trips, field days, etc, every decision will revolve around the noise in your head.  If you have kids in Middle School, don't even get my started, and ESPECIALLY if your kids are spread out in age, and you continue to have kids.  "You can't even focus on the kids you have, why are you making more?"  Or, you had to miss a concert, game or didn't get to help much on a homework project.  People will never understand why those things happened, they don't know you had a colic kid at home or a toddler who hates to be confined or nap time was more important for every one's sanity. And if you only have one kid people will judge that as well.  Most people will say that's not true and they don't judge and it's my own fault I turn it into guilt and that's fine, I take full responsibility for my emotions. Guilt is the evilest emotion as far as I'm concerned.  And I always tell myself "what other people think doesn't matter" and I put on this tough exterior like it doesn't bother me, but it really does.  Judgement can come in the most passive aggressive ways (a very good skill of mine by the way) or it can come with just a look.  Maybe I look too much into what people think but when you have kids all you want to do is do a good job and when there's not a lot of positive reinforcement, then I shall use guilt to fuel me.... (ok that was a little dramatic).  I have read some of my moms old journals and she also felt the guilt/judgement from being a mom, so I know I'm not alone, just maybe the most dramatic :)

One more point of seriousness:
Safety:  I had no clue that I'd think about the safety of my kids 24/7 and yes, I even mean when I'm sleeping.  Now, I'm not talking about them getting hurt like breaking an arm, which I don't want to happen.  But I do let my kids jump off furniture, ride bikes without helmets and run around outside without shoes on.  But they DO NOT go outside without an adult and I check the windows in our house at least once a week to make sure they are locked and I check all the doors every night to make sure they are locked and I WILL NOT let certain people watch my kids because I listen to my motherly instincts, regardless of who thinks it's personal.  The thought of one of my kids missing or getting abused makes me so sick to my stomach.  Thank God I know my kids are protected by angels and protected by God's grace and provision.  But I still think about it, constantly.

Now, onto the not so serious stuff that I never really knew about being a mom:

Stain Remover:  There is NO stain remover on the planet that gets out poop, tootsie roll, red koolaid and mac n cheese out of the same shirt at the same time.  And just when you think you've found one what works your kids will test it and it'll fail and you'll start searching for a new one!  We buy most of our kids clothes (well the little kids) at garage sales (and clearance racks - it's this single income thing) and it truly amazes me when I find clothes that aren't stained.  I wont' buy stained clothes and not ALL my kids clothes are stained but seeing an entire collection of kids clothes that are stain free, is amazing to me, and it gives me hope that one day I will find that magic fairy stain remover...

Books:  First, my own books, I have had the same 4 books that my sister let me borrow when I had Zoe almost 21 months ago.  I'm about 50 pages into two of those books, that is it.  I love reading, and yes, I have some attention issues, but I do love reading.  But that's not even what I'm talking about, it's my kids books.  Again, we buy most of our books at garage sales/resale shops and I'm floored by the books that have both covers and all there pages.  How does that happen?  We thought Isaac was the ultimate destroyer of things, but he's got nothing on Zoe when it comes to books.  She ADORES reading, even has to take a book to bed with her at night and is usually carrying around a book, but she is violent with them.  She can rip the cover off of a hard back book and rip an entire hard baby book in half in no time.  And let's not even get started on the subject of baby books.  We have a book called "Pudgy the Beaver" which I can't even get past the cover because it's so hilarious to me.  And the noises they try to spell out in a book will have you saying the most ridiculous things ever, but reading to your kids is good and fun.

Hygiene:  As a Stay at Home Mom, I spend 90% of my time within the 4 walls (ish) of my house.  Many days I only see and talk to the people in my immediate family and many weeks the only place I go is church, where I help my husband with Children's Church (more kids!).  So when I do get around adults I tend to dominate the conversation, it's a terrible habit.  But, why is there a reason to go beyond a pony tail?  And put on deodorant?  I rarely take a shower without at least one kid playing in the cabinets in the bathroom, usually eating lotion or deodorant.  Hygiene is a thing of the past after you have kids, especially when you have no where to go.

House Cleaning:  Now, I obviously have lots of time on my hands since I don't work out side the home and since that was a choice of mine I probably love cleaning.  I do spend time on facebook (cause I never talk to other adults, this is the only way I can), I write in a blog (not often and not always well) and I take online surveys (it's sometimes the only way I reward myself with prizes from the points and what not I accumulate doing them).  So, obviously, if I gave all that up (and yes, I often hear about it....) and the DVR I'd probably have a cleaner house AND carry a brick of resentment on my wait, not a brick, a boulder.  When I pick up the living room it takes my kids less than 10 minutes to destroy it all over again, and I have to do it all over again and repeating myself is one of my pet peeves.  The same goes with wiping the table where they eat.  I do not enjoy walking on crumbs (I actually detest this), or making food on dirty counters, or peeing in dirty toilets or tripping on toys.  But I do enjoy trying to be "Dawn" at some point in my day and not just wife, mother, maid, cook, etc.  And I much prefer to play with my kids other than clean.  And yes, sitting here writing this while Zoe sits on my lap and watches Team Umizoomi and points at (pokes) my eyes, nose and mouth 100 times and tells me what they are is playing with my kids.

Whining/Complaining:  At some point you will get so accustomed to your kids whining and complaining it almost seems fruitless to continually ask them to stop or even to discipline them for it.  But we all try.  And when your kids fight, you WANT to intervene, but you also know they have to work it out on their own.  The older the child doing the complaining/whining the more draining it is.  And when the whiner/complainer is an adult and you are a parent it will literally go in one ear and out the other, but, nontheless be as annoying and draining.  I had no idea how much whining/complaining literally, physically can hurt my ears.  (I PROMISE you what I'm saying here or in all of my blog posts is not whining/complaining and if you think it is, please quit reading..thank you.)

Poop/Food:  If "pooping while mom is eating" was a sport, my kids would hold Olympic Gold Titles in this.  During at least one of meals, at least one of my kids will poop and often both of them.  One needs a butt wiped on the toilet, one needs a diaper changed.  And I've actually helped my daughter 'birth' a poop when she was constipated, yes, disgusting, but it's what you do when your kids needs it, well, what moms do when her kids need it.  And whatever you are eating/drinking your kids will see as theirs and want to eat/drink it also.  My kids eat probably 10 - 15% of all my food and sometimes even more than that.

So, there's more, but that's what I have today.  I would just like to say that I absolutely adore and love my children, they are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I was a 90's hippie that never wanted to get married or have kids and probably would have stayed stoned and stupid the rest of my life but I'm so glad that God never gave up on me and my life is completely different.  (Although I'm still sort of a 90s hippie, minus the stoned and stupid part).   My kids are truly amazing and weird and beautiful and healthy and I wouldn't change anything in the world for them.  They are exactly who I need in my life and bring pure joy to my life everyday.  They are 100% a miracle and a true blessing.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Queen of Excuses

I keep telling myself, yes, out loud, that I'm going to start all these new amazing habits for myself and for my kids and even as a family.  And then I think, I should just wait until new baby gets here because they'll throw the entire schedule off.  Then I realize that's ridiculous it would be easier to start them now and adjust later.  Then I tell myself I'm going to get through this week or that week.  First I need to paint this room, then I have to paint another room (those rooms are done now), then I need to learn to sew curtains (no room has curtains in our house, sad), then I need to carpet clean the entire house, then it'll be like Christmas, which means baking (LOVE baking and love giving baked goods away), and other things that go with Christmas.  Then, basically, it's the new year and that means like 2 - 2 1/2 months until baby gets yeah...

I'm not really sure where the skill of procrastinating came from.  My mom was amazing, cleaning, cooking things from scratch, sewing outfits, curtains, pillows, quilting, canning, gardening, driving us everywhere, I mean she literally did it all.  And my dad has always been a motivated kind of guy, you sort of have to be to run a successful Construction business for years!  I was always told I never lived up to my potential so maybe procrastinating is me just not living up to my potential? 

Speaking of skills, I often think about what skills I do have.  I never finished college, I only went one year and I'm pretty sure I only passed half of the classes.  I would just like to disclaim that my English professor ( I was a journalism major) did NOT like me and she was the head of her department, I was screwed from the get-go.  And she didn't like me because the first paper we had to write we were given free reign on, and I wrote about how I hate being told what to write.  Apparently, she really likes telling people what to write.  Anyway, I graduated within the top 10% of my high school class, I have no idea how, I was not a fan of high school.  It was pretty torturous to me, the first two years, some kid made so much fun of me I cried every day.  The last two years, I finally found friends, but we sort of did stupid things, but I somehow managed to keep my grades up at least enough to get into the top 10%.  Honestly, my graduating class was not really known for our academics, we had the highest drop out rate in like 30 years.

So I think about what skills I bring to the plate.  First, I am AMAZING at changing the subject.  And not like my ADHD brother (said in love), I mean I can sense awkwardness and change the subject without people even realizing it happened.  I think that's a skill.  I am also really good at coming up with these ridiculous house/room painting projects  that take way longer than I ever imagined, but look really awesome when I'm done.  I have amazing typing skills, although not 100% accurate I can type at about 95% accuracy and about 80+ WPM.  I'm pretty sure I have baking skills, even though I don't practice them often, simply because then I eat it (and Jeremy doesn't like having all those sweets around), I do really love it and think I'm pretty good at it.   I have this amazing skill of nervous jokes, I tend to talk a lot and make jokes out of everything when I'm nervous (and often when I'm not).  Sometimes they are funny, sometimes not so much.  Oh, probably one of my greatest skill is how awesome I am at being passive-aggressive.  Now, this skill I have had to not use often, because it's so good, I mean like I'm a passive aggressive ninja.  Right now, those are the non paying skills I have.  Well, technically, all my skills are non paying, even the ones I'm not so good at :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Feeling Sentimental! The story of my miracle of children!

I've been praying over my baby and pregnancy everyday with the amazing words from the amazing book that I got!!  I'm feeling so much better and can finally start to see a "glow" that instead of being the sweat from vomiting is now just the glow of knowing what a miracle God has done in my life.

Jeremy and I immediately started trying to have children when we got married in July 2003.  He already had kids and they lived with us, so it's not like it would change things.   Plus my mom was desperate to my a grandma (Nana, as we call her now) and I wanted nothing more than to bless her with grandchildren!  In November 2003 I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, basically that means the baby got stuck in my tubes and my right tube (I believe) had burst.  I remember my mom being at the hospital with me when they finally told me that I had to go into surgery.  The nurse said "Pick a good dream" and I went to sleep and dreamed of a red headed little girl that I was pushing on a swing set, she is Rebecca, and she is in heaven with her maker and sadly joined by her Nana only a few short months later! 

The loss of my mom in January 2004 spun me into something I never knew existed and honestly wish I never had to know.   And in the midst of my grief we were in the middle of a major court battle with my step children, truly finding out how heinous and horrible people can really be, it was probably the saddest and loneliest time of my life.  (If my marriage can not only survive but thrive through my first year of our marriage, than I truly believe any marriage can make it!  - And we only knew each other 10 months before we got married, that alone is a true miracle.)  Over the next many years we experienced 3 miscarriages, early ones, anywhere from 6 - 8 weeks along but it didn't matter they were all babies to me. 

In April 2006, Jesse Duplantis was a guest speaker at our church.  During prayer time the Holy Spirit prompted him to ask if anyone was having problems getting pregnant and wanted special prayer to come to the front of church and he'd pray for them.  Well, I JUMPED over people to get to the front of the church. I know it wasn't Jesse Duplantis, I know for sure that it was God just boosting my faith.  We never had another issue and in January 2007 I decided to get my body in line with my faith, I lost 18 pounds and was soon pregnant.

October 22, 2007 Isaac James was born!!  There was never a real explanation of what was causing my miscarriages, low progesterone was the only thought and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Isaac I had to take progesterone pills.  Jeremy knew I wanted more children, I wanted 2 more, Isaac was already number 4 for him so I wasn't sure how many more he was willing to have.  I knew one more and I was eager pretty immediately after Isaac.  Jeremy reassured me that God will prompt him on the timing and he'd let me know when the time was right.   And he kept that promise.  In February 2009 he said we could try again, 3 short months later we were pregnant without any issues or complications and in February 2010 I got my gorgeous baby girl Zoe.  I sort of never felt done having kids after Zoe, regardless that she was colic and has been a pretty fussy baby since something deep inside felt that I needed/wanted one more.  Jeremy, however, didn't feel the same.  Yet God had another miracle waiting for me, in His perfect timing and He didnt' even feel the need to let either of us know before hand, coming in March 2012! 

THREE babies for me when I never thought one was possible!  I would cry every month for 4 1/2 years, and Jeremy told me to rest my faith on his.  I had to, I was too emotionally involved in this.  I lost my mom, my grandma, uncles, aunts, and so many people in those 4 1/2 years I NEEDED the 'circle of life' to make sense to me.  Nothing made sense.  Mothers would drown their babies, and mothers would abuse their children (and get away with it) as I found out first hand and it didn't seem like I could have any.   And the thought of NOT having my mom here, to be a motherless mom, was tortuous but the desire to have a baby was greater than the grief. 

Many times I look at my kids and just cry for them that they don't have Nana here, and many times I cry for myself because I need a break and don't often get them.  We often laugh that my mom would pitch a tent in my front yard to be close to her grand kids, that they'd stay at her house more than they'd stay at mine, that she would have quit her job the day Isaac was born and never would have went back.  But I cry mostly because as much as my children are loved and they are SOOOO loved, they are missing the love from the person that mattered the most to me in my life, the person that loved me the most.

Dont' worry, today I'm not sad, I'm so happy.  Isaac is an amazing little man.  Everyday he tells me "Mommy, you cute and beautiful" and he kisses my wedding ring.  He hugs me all the time, he is full of energy and creativity.  He's a great helper and he loves the Lord.  He raises his hands during worship and many time dances, he recites Philippians 4:19 every night at bedtime.  He adores Zoe and the new baby which he calls Cocky.  He's so beautiful, he's a happy kid and laughs at everything!  The love I have for my children is something I never thought possible and I'm so grateful that I get to know that love.  And one day, not only do I get to be reunited with my mom and many other loved ones but my other babies!!!  I often tell God not to be offended if the first person I want to see when I get to heaven is not Jesus, but my mom, He doesn't mind :)

So, Happy 4th birthday to a true miracle!!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Pickles and Beef

For being someone who very much enjoys writing, I really hate titles.  I mean, does everything have to have a label.  Okay, I know a label and a title are totally different, but whatever, let me be dramatic!

In my last post I talked about scaring people out of pregnancy, well, I'm not going to do that anymore!  I realized that it's not fair, it might be facts, but it's not fair.  This is my last pregnancy and upon the continued advice from some friends at church my husband purchased the book "Supernatural Pregnancy" and well, I'm half way through and it's amazing!  Of course, I'm not talking about NATURAL pregnancy, to me that's insane, but supernatural is totally something I can wrap my faith around.  Even if I didn't have to have a csection I like 99.99999% sure I'd probably still want the drugs.  And that's okay, that doesn't make me weak or less of a Christian, it just makes me a big baby, and I'm totally fine with that!  However, I have started compiling a list of all the things I am believing for during pregnant, during delivery, in the hospital and even at home for Kiwi (baby's nickname).  I'm pretty stoked that this delivery is not going to be ridiculous like the other two where!

Continuing on, the other night I mentioned I wanted a candy bar.  Jeremy jumped up and asked me what I wanted, I told him either Twix, Snickers or Caramelo, King Size!  He came home with all three, they are gone and now I want beef!  Like a philly cheese steak from Subway, totally dying for one, I've never had one, but it sort of seems like a priority.  I like can't stop thinking about it, and just now thought of pickles and I think I shall have some of those!  (While still thinking about the beef of course!)  Last week I crashed my best friend's family's dinner and had some amazing steak and if I thought there was still some left I'd go into their fridge and take it, I'm allowed, I promise!

(Excuse me while my eyes twitch because that pickle was soft...soft pickles are disgusting!)

Funny how one of the things I'm "believing" for is to not gain anymore than 20 pounds this pregnancy.  For some that seems just silly.  First, I do not think that pregnancy is just about doing nothing and eating whatever you want.  For me, personally, I can't do a lot of physical activities ( I could walk, I'm not currently, but I have plans to), I tend to get wore out really quickly even at the beginning.  Secondly, I think you can eat whatever you want, in moderation, as all things.  I get that some ladies have to snack a lot because of nausea and what not, so I'm not judging.  Finally, I gained 37 with Isaac (which I thought was really good because 45 pounds FELL OFF like 4 weeks after he was born it was awesome).  Then I only gained 15 pounds with Zoe and exclusively breastfed her (not Isaac) and thought to myself "This is gonna be a cake walk, this measly 15 pounds is gonna melt off in like a week and then it's gonna be so easy to keep losing it."  Boy, that was silly!  Not only did I NEVER lose the 15 pounds, I gained like 10 more!!!  So, a 20 pounds pregnancy gain is totally feasible for me.  But candy bars, pickles and beef are probably not the way to go about this.  Oh well, I've only gained 3 - 5 pounds, I'm like 17 or 18 weeks, and I see the doctor tomorrow so we'll see how I've done this few weeks!

Right now I am still SUPER excited about not knowing the gender of the baby!  It'll make delivery so special.  However, we can NOT agree on names.  Luckily we don't HAVE to name the baby until we leave the hospital.

The names I like:
Ezekiel Stephen (Zeke)
Callia Marie

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A new direction

Well, I haven't written in quite a few weeks, probably over a month, because well, I'm having another baby!!  So, there's not a lot of losing weight going on right now.... 

I keep telling myself I'll take this blog in a different direction for now, I'm a funny person I have good stuff to write about, but I can't seem to get motivated to do so.  Be it the nausea, actual vomiting, or the "I'm so tired I can't lift my hands" I cannot seem to get anything on paper.  (Should we really use that line anymore?)  It's not unlike me to go through ups and downs with the writing thing.  10 years ago?  I wrote everyday all day long...

At night I'll lay down and think of all these hilarious things to write about.  I say some pretty awesome one liners throughout the day (when I'm given adults to talk to), and I have so many funny stories from childhood onto now.   But I sit here, yawning every 3 words, knowing nothing is going to come out worth anyone's time to read!!

I do have stuff to say that's not funny, and some stuff that some people won't even want to read about.  For example, the thought of having another c section makes me throw up in my throat a little bit.  The first one was great, I had pushed for 12 hours, so by the time they put me on the table for a c section I wanted the kid out, be it through my nose, I wanted him out!  I am one of the lucky like 5% that get "pregnancy shakes" and "labor vomiting", yeah, as soon as I get to the hospital I start shaking and as soon as they put the IV in me I start vomiting.  High Five for that!  So there's always that to look forward to.  With my second pregnancy, I was in labor at church (the entire time, writing down how close my contractions were, breathing through them) and not a soul knew.  By the time we got in the car and drove home (I was driving) they were about 7 - 8 minutes apart.  Yes, even though I have to have a c section, I still went through hours of labor..awesome...  They had me walk from the triage room to the OR room and I was pretty sure I could have pushed Zoe out in the hall way on my way there I was so dialated and the contractions were about 2 - 3 minutes apart.  But to no avail I was given a spinal block and laid back on the table where I threw up so many time the anestialogist (SP??) threatened to intibate me (yes, awake)... And then couldn't even hold my daughter for almost 3 hours because I was shaking so bad.  Yeah, I have great labor and delivery stories, makes you want to have a kid doesn't it??  And, btw, I read like a million (yes a million) pregnancy books during my first pregnancy, I watched all those "my child was born (fill in the blank with something horrific", I was "special deliver" and "bring baby home", etc, etc, NOT ONE told me about pregnancy shakes and vomiting....NOT ONE! I seriously need to write a book called "If you want to have a baby you probably shouldn't read this book"....I'm pretty sure it would be a best seller...  And don't even get me started on the first trimester...  Yes, I'd do it over and over again for my children (obviously) but just nothing prepares you, especially since every pregnancy, every woman and every baby are different.

So this pregnancy loads and loads of prayers are specifically for the labor and delivery alone.  I don't mind the going into labor part even though I'm having a c section, I sort of want my baby to pick their own birthday.  I just have high hopes for no shaking, no vomiting and being able to hold my baby ASAP!  The one thing I do look forward to is the 4 - 5 days at the hospital.  I know so many moms who were dying to get back home to their other children, their routine, etc.  Not me, I like being there.  People bring me pain medicine, take the baby so I can sleep, I order my food off of a touch screen and since I breastfeed I can have as many calories as I'd like, they change my bed, and with Isaac one nurses aid even gave me a massage..yeah I like the 4 - 5 days in the hospital.  However, there's not as many visitors with the second one as with the first one, which can be a little bit boring....oh well..

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I will admit that I am not the best eater in the world.  I like veggies, but I don't love veggies and I don't have a big array that I do like.  I'd love to like (haha) squash of any kind, asparagus, but I like the 'normal' stuff.  Beans (are those a veggie?), sweet potatoes, green beans, corn, potatoes, sugar snap peas (not real peas), things of that nature.   We did plant a garden this year, but the weeds are out of control, because we didnt' take care of them BEFORE we planted and as hot as the weather has been, it's been rough.  Anyway, a couple weeks ago my husband and I decided to do a veggie diet just for the week.  Years ago I did this, but I kept it to raw veggies as much as possible, and I lost 10 pounds in that week.  We did it this time, I even did veggie pizza and had rice or a whole wheat wrap with eggs a couple times, and I still lost 3.8 pounds.  Hurray!  I'm now down to 21 pounds lost, which is okay (I won't beat myself up right now on what 'could' have been or 'should' have been).  This is good also because I had put on a few pounds since May.  Also, I did the 3.8 pounds without doing any exercising, there just wasn't any time.  I was SUPER busy and like I've always said there is something to keeping busy.  Plus, just WALKING outside I'd sweat like I had just ran a mile.  Anyway, this week, I kept it off, there wasn't really any dieting and no working out.  I think this blog may take a different turn for a while.  Not because I've given up, I've given up pretty much my entire life, so I have to "break the cycle" somehow, someway, but because I have many other things I'd like to talk about also.

I'm thinking in two weeks, I'm going to go the veggies thing again, but for two weeks.  Also going to do some research on vitamins I think.  Who knows, again, I'm always full of great ideas, not just great follow through.

Monday, June 27, 2011

More Nonsense

I thought only gaining 2 pounds back after doing NOTHING for a month would motivate me to start doing something, that is not correct, I haven't done anything.  Every week I think I'm going to start and I never do.  And I actually thought the looming "Labor Day Float" which I really really really hope we get to do this year would also help me.  So far, no go!  It's weird to think about what WILL actually motivate me, what is it going to take?

I caught my 3 year old biting his nails, which I bite my nails and I immediately became very self conscious of biting my nail and it's getting better.  Will it take one of my kids being obese for me to work on it?   Which I honestly don't even want to think about!!!!!  My kids are so active, Isaac is a great eater and Zoe is picky (we work on it), so I want to keep them active and eating better than I do/did!!

I've taken my kids to eat at school twice in the last couple weeks.  They offer free lunches for kinds 18 and under.  The first time was chicken strips, mashed potatoes, corn, fruit cocktail, cookie, and milk or juice.  Honestly I wouldn't eat it, it was not appealing at all.  Today, cheeseburgers, cold french fries, peaches in syrup, cookie, and milk or juice.  I ate a cheeseburger...couldn't stomach anything else.  It was so gross!!    That's all I'm going to say about that, until I can get myself to a better health place, I cannot judge anyone Else's choices.

Right now I'm sitting here thinking about working out, I need to, I want to, sort of!  I do know I feel better when I work out and I can get more done around the house when I do, I'm more patient with my children, and just happier in general.  The thought of getting off the couch, putting on work out clothes, fighting Isaac to get out the door, just makes me sit here longer.  No work out video I have sounds like something I want to do.  Jogging sounds great, but I know it'll be a pathetic attempt, and I will have to fight Isaac to get out the door!

Maybe someone out there could tell me how amazing they felt after they lost weight!  Or something...I don't know.

I hear about momentum!  I need that, I just need to drop like a pound this week and keep that momentum for the next 8 - 10 weeks.  I also read an article about finding a belt that fits you on the first notch, that way you'll be able to tell if you're losing weight, gaining weight, or staying the same.  I actually did this a long time ago.  I bought a belt, an embarrassing size that fit on the first notch, I'm now and have been on the 3 notch for a LONG time.  I was on the first notch for so long that that part of the belt actually fell off the other day.  Some days, depending on the pants I'm wearing and where they sit on my waist/hips depends on whether it's on the second or third notch.  So that's a good thing to have around.

Last night when I sat down to eat, I pulled out a Party Pizza, which I normally LOVE LOVE!!   Um, it was so gross to me that I barely ate half of it.  Which then I thought "oh, I didn't eat 'all my dinner'" and then I ate other stuff, stupid stupid stupid! 

Well, I think it's time to lay Isaac down with a movie so I can do something!

Monday, June 13, 2011

I faced the music

So, last Friday I finally weighed in to see the damage.  I haven't posted in over a month, I simply haven't done anything for myself since I've gotten back from Memphis.  I've felt pretty guilty about going away, when my husband is the one who really needed the vacation, and in a weird sort of way I just didn't feel right taking more time to myself, for exercise, and meal planning and what not. 

I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain.  My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted.  I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy.  The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.

Well, I only gained 2 pounds.  I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this.  I shouldn't have been.  Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month.  When you really think about that, it's disgusting.  But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.

On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening.  Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes.  But now I'm totally disgusted by many things.  I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk.  I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health.  And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc. 

I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent.  Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me!  I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more.  There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that??  I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it?  Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.

I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this.  There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food.  One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it...  So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.

I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet.  The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be.  The list, was LONG, no kidding.  Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself.   You should really try this, it's no easy task.  Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short.   Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me.  Perfect in His image.  This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now.  I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself.   I also hope the next post isn't too far off....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Update on my Insanity

So, last week I weighed in before I left for my 3 days in Memphis...and I lost 1 pound, making me down exactly 20 pounds...half way to my goal.  I honestly, even though I talk a good game, am highly disappointed in myself.  I have so much more than this in me and I failed, with lots and lots of excuses. 

So, in Memphis, I definitely didn't feel very good about myself, but I was with my best friend and she always makes me feel good about myself, cause she's amazing.  Well, down at the concert is pretty much all "carnival" food and up on Beale is mostly "bar food".  All of which I love by the way.  So we ate..good!  I had two of the most amazing burgers ever while there!  Anyway, but we walked like 10 miles a day and I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating.  I still came back feeling highly bloated.  And, in my head thinking, I'm totally gonna kick bootie this week (working out, eating good) to make sure my weight doesn't go up on my birthday.  Well, I'm not weighing in on my birthday (tomorrow).  I mean the worst feeling to start my 31st birthday would be to gain like 18239128329 pounds (it could happen).

So, where do I go from here?  I ROYALLY failed my goal!  I mean, who's sick of hearing about it???  Who thinks I'm a total fraud?  I do, so it's okay if you do.    I will not have another countdown calendar, that pretty much did nothing for me.  But I sort of feel like I need another goal.  I guess a smaller goal (that's pretty lame...).  A friend at church (who is gorgeous and has 3 kids) said she works out 2 hours a day (she will slow down now that she's been on vacation) and every day that she works out she gives herself a gold star or smiley face sticker on her calendar...that sounds fun!  This I may try!  Maybe a goal to work out 5 out of 7 days a week for 4 weeks, that sounds feasible. 

As for the food...ugh!  I really do love food...I need to think about this.  Any suggestions?  I seriously feel like I need to detox my body, there is SOOO much crap in my body!  This I need to research, think and pray about. 

That's it...I'm sort of feeling dumb that I shared this and well, really didn't get anywhere.  Don't worry I'm not like depressed or anything, just feeling sort of silly...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Beyond Lazy

Yup, I truly feel beyond lazy at this point in the game.  I haven't worked out, consistently for 2 weeks.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  I know that having an extra kid 3 days a week, a baby, is making it hard.  She has honestly become good birth control for me, because I realize how much time I can't spend with Isaac and Zoe since I have her and I hate neglecting them.  I don't know, I do have lots of excuses, so I'll try to limit them here.  I've had a headache for probably 8 days straight and when I mentioned this to my husband he brought something to my attention that I was avoiding, he's pretty good at that.  I haven't worked out consistently in two weeks and I haven't paid much attention to what I'm putting in my body, and now all the sudden I'm having a headaches, I'm pretty convinced that it's not coincidence.  So, that should have motivated me to work out today, it's 1:30pm and I have not and will probably not have time to. 

My husband has two kids graduating high school this year so we're having a party in 3 weeks and I have a list a mile long to do before then, it's another excuse of mine to not work out.  Any moment I have I try to use to clean, paint, scrub, etc.   And since I already have 3 days a week that I can't get any of that stuff done (the girl I babysit is sometimes difficult), the days she isn't here I try to catch up on my normal things (dishes, emails, vacuuming, etc).  Okay, let me re-clarify "any moment I have" because I do have normal stuff I have to take care of in a day.  I do like to blog, coupon online, and that sort of thing, along with just daily "chores" so I guess I could eliminate EVERYTHING from my day except housework, husband, children and working out and I could get everything done....and maybe go crazy. 

I told my husband last night that it's hard to go from someone who's entire identity has been husband, children and home for the last eight years (the years I've put on weight) and then have to re-arrange that identity to include "me time" and I dont' really call exercising me time, because it's not my favorite thing to do.  And, if it wasn't for the fact that I NEED to get the weight off, I could never choose exercising as me time AND normally when I work out, I have at least one child running around me.   However, I'd just like to state that I won't quit exercising after the weight comes off, it's just hard to get an extra 65+ pounds around when you're trying to work out...I mean strap 10 pounds on your back and see how much harder it is.  I get why they have that episode in the weight loss shows where the contestants have to carry around the weight they lost.

Speaking of weight loss shows, I need to be done with them for now.  There is nothing real about losing 7 - 20 pounds in a week.  It's virtually impossible to do that at home on a normal basis and watching the contestants get frustrated when they lose 5 or less pounds is really messing with my head.  I love to hear about the stories of why they got where they are, and I like hearing about the break thrus, but watching them drop 65 pounds in a month or two is discouraging.  Especially since I did that once and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle, nothing about it was healthy...   I'm going to try "Addicted to Food" to see if it speaks to me, but I just can't do the other ones for a while. 

All these things I thought were motivating have started to become discouraging.  I thought this trip to Memphis next weekend would motivate me, but looking at my pictures from when I went 8 and 9 years ago and looking at myself now and seeing how poorly I've done losing the weight bring this thought into my head "what's the point?".  I don't know, I'm not sure why my heart hasn't been in it.  Well, I sort of know, but it's probably WAY out there to some people. 

But I think I need to go there.  I truly believe that when this weight comes off of me I will be a powerhouse for the things I believe in.  I will have more confidence in myself that I've ever had before and when I have confidence I can pretty much conquer anything, I've proven this to myself before.  Well, this time, and for the first time, I have a lot to conquer.  I have a lot to say and I don't really say it simply because I don't have a lot of confidence and I know when I get that confidence back I'll be able to speak my heart.  And I know that the devil does NOT want me to have that confidence, he wants to keep me beat up, broken down, shut up and almost scared....and honestly, he's doing a pretty good job at it.  He gives me all the excuses and I take them.  I know my body has to submit to me, my body is a vessel, it is NOT the captain, and right now my body is doing all the commanding and as long as my body is winning the fight, my heart has to take a back seat.  And every time I think about it the devil reminds me about my past and how I'll just get mocked and screw things up for my husband and anyone else that is around me.  I know it's not true, I know the devil is a liar and a thief.  I know when I hear "it's too much weight, you'll never get it all off" or "you'll just screw things up if you open your mouth, someone will expose you for what you used to be" or ...okay there's so many others and my head is flooded with them right now that I can't complete one into a sentence.  Basically, this is so much more than eating right and exercising for me.  I know for some people it isn't, for some people it's simply about making better food choices and walking an hour a day, the weight comes off and there's never any more questions about it.  This, is way bigger to me, this is not only a battle of my body, but it's a battle of control, of conquering, of spirit, soul and flesh!!  And I know one thing, I am more than an over comer.  I'm not just going to overcome this weight I need to lose, I'm going to MORE than overcome it.  Not sure what the "MORE" is, but it's the more that the devil is trying to keep me away from!!!  I won't let him win and I won't let my body be captain anymore.  It's time to take back control.

When I was working out consistently and paying attention to my food, I was a nicer person, a happier person, an easier person to get along with, I slept better, I felt better, I sounded better and it's just time!!! 

Just a side note: on Dr. Oz today, he said, other than sunburns (yes, I'm VERY careful about this these days), sugar is the second most cause of wrinkles!!!!!!! Ewww, I don't want wrinkles, I have amazing skin, I still sort of have baby skin!!  And I definitely look sort of young for my age, however, every pound that I put on made me look older.  But yeah, sugar, I need to cut back on that, no wrinkles!!!

AND, I read an article that said gaining simply 11 pounds destroys your fat burning metabolism.  MAN, I've put my metabolism in a tail spin. 

Anyway, time to work out!  I have to do it, the other stuff can wait!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Week 15 Weigh In - GRACE!!

I wasn't even going to step on the scale on Friday, I knew I gained weight, I would be disappointed and ultimately I'd binge this weekend.  But, I did, I had to know and by the grace of God alone I stayed exactly the same.  Some people may not believe in that but I 100% am grateful for the grace of God, as a mother and a step mother I rely on the grace of God sometimes daily.  I rely on His mercy and long suffering, I am not perfect in any area and in this weight loss area, He's heard my cries, He's heard my frustration and He knows my heart, and I know that I know, that I know, that ONLY by His grace did I NOT gain weight last week.  So, let's cross our fingers and hope that instead of snubbing my nose at God's grace, I truly appreciate it and push into next week!

I did decide this weekend that I need a "Fatty's Anonymous" sponsor.  I text my best friend to let her know I'd text her when I was going to binge and she was supposed to say something encouraging.  She is by NO MEANS a fatty, so she probably doesn't appreciate the reference, sorry! But you get the gist!

Hopefully this week is better and I get off my booty and do some work outs!  Less than 2 weeks until Memphis, less than 3 weeks until my 31st birthday.  I will not be hitting my first initial goal, but it's baby steps people!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Week 14 Weigh In

Had a complete, utter break down last Thursday night before I weighed in.  The night didn't end so great, for a variety of reasons, but it boils down to just the disappointment I feel in myself right now.  I should NOT be disappointed, any amount of weight is hard to lose, especially when you seem to be battling a slight case of food addiction.  Thinking of where I should be (or at least the pressure I put on myself to where I should be) and where I'm actually at is, in essence, ticking me off!!  The ticking me off hasn't really made me change anything.

Last week was "recovery" week on the P90X program and of course I took complete advantage of that and thought I'd just watch my eating really closely and also maybe take some walks here and there.  I did weed a few days (more about this disaster in a few), but I definitely was a complete lazy slacker other than that.  I did maybe 4/7 of the P90X work outs and I only sort of ate, okay, not good.  But, luckily, I didn't gain weight, which I was pretty sure I was going to.  I stayed exactly the same.  I still wish I would have dropped even a half a pound but that didn't happen. I guess after my break down I'm grateful that I stayed the same.  But here's the thing, at the weight I'm at, to maintain I can eat exactly 1238192312 calories a day and not gain or loss a pound (it's a fact, google it) so maintaining isn't really that difficult, but when I'm down to my goal weight I'll only be able to eat 4 calories a day to maintain my weight (it's a fact, google it).  So it'll be much harder to maintain when I get to my goal weight.

So, weeding the flower beds last week has resulted in poison ivy hell, literally.  First of all, I use "IvyRest" (or something like that) every time I come inside, except one time...stupid one's always "one time"...stupid.  We moved into this house a little less than 2 1/2 years ago and the previous owners put a TON of money and work into the flower beds/landscaping but it looks like they maybe didn't keep up with it for the last 5 years or so they lived here.  We've heard that one of them was maybe sick before they moved, but I honestly have no idea.  So we have at least 2 flower beds that haven't been touched for a minimum of 6 years.  And since last year Zoe was colic and well just a rough baby we really didn't get to it then either.  Jeremy has spent DAYS chain sawing and getting it "park like" so I've been trying to work as much as I can on the flower beds.  One is this huge area with a nice rock walk way and it's just gorgeous but the weeds have definitely taken control.  Well, as I know better I didn't wear long sleeves and I have poison ivy from my wrist to my elbow on my right arm and almost that much on my left arm.  Luckily I had gloves on.  Now, there were no leaves on these stupid vines (yes, stupid is the word for all of this) so even though I noticed the vines and thought they 'could be' poison ivy I sort of dismissed it not seeing the leaves, but, alas, apparently this evil (maybe that should be the word) vine is poisonous even w/o the leaves!  And there's A LOT more out there.  I will not weed again in short sleeves, luckily I was smart enough to put on long pants.  And every time i sweat the itching becomes to unbearable that there's actually been I haven't really worked out since.  Plus for some reason, just exhausted...a lot.  I finally broke down and got some IvyDry and some Benadryl so hopefully tomorrow I can pull myself together (thanks, Steph, it's really the best quote EVER) and get back on the ball.

On top of the poison ivy we had Church yesterday, a Living Lords Supper, it was pretty awesome and then a straight drive up to KC (3 1/2 hours) for a GORGEOUS wedding, it was so great, and then a 3 hour drive home.  Everyone else slept at least the last 1 1/2 hours on the way home and then I had to be up to babysit today so I knew that even if I did work out it would have been sad and pathetic.  Again, tomorrow, I hope to pull myself together and get back on the ball and really do this. 

I guess we'll see.  I'm beginning to realize that I thought this blog was going to be a motivation for some people and it's more like the way NOT to do things.  It's going to take me a lot longer than I thought or expected to lose this weight.  I know it's not supposed to be easy, if it was easy, people like me would just put it back on.  However, in this exact moment, saying that I remember quitting smoking almost 7 years ago (May 10, 2004).  It was easy, I know you think I'm being silly but it's the truth.  I was at work, just fed up, my mom had died 3 1/2 months before and throwing almost a half a pack of cigarettes in the trash and just being done.  I haven't smoked a cigarette since, I didn't crave them, I didn't shake or freak out or scream at people, I just quit.  So, maybe this food thing CAN be that easy...hmmmm....
28 days (as of last Friday) until my birthday.
21 days until Memphis!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Title = Oops

Yeah, not feeling the title today.  This sort of happens after I have a bad weigh in week, I'm really down on myself, I'm not working out to my fullest abilities, I'm making a million excuses not to work out.  I actually spent the day cleaning, sending non personal emails, making non personal phone calls, pretty much my least favorite things to do.  And I actually have a list of things in my head to do tomorrow, basically to avoid working out.  My food choices are fair...if not poor. 

UGH, I really don't like when I get like this.  I try to get myself all pumped up after a bad week, thinking that I'll prove something to myself (and others) next week and instead I completely sabotage myself.  It's kind of like someone who's been abused as a kid and they marry an abuser.  Yes, I know it's sort of a long off analogy but just think about it...  maybe it's irrational but it feels like that right now.  A vicious cycle of food ridiculousness.

And, I thought I had all the motivation in the world, BSMF and my 31st Birthday.  Part of the discouragement is that I should be at TWICE what I've lost and I'm going to be doing this the entire summer, if not longer!!   So, I'm going to quit whining now and move on I guess.  I sort of want to continue my pity party...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Week 13 Weigh In

As you can probably guess from my roller coaster of weeks, this was not a great one.  I lost 1/2 a pound (.4 to be exact).  It is insanely frustrating.  I did measure myself and I do that before I weigh in to sort of gauge what my weigh in will be and after I measured myself I thought I was going to drop about 2 pounds, nope!  The measurements were pretty good, a whole inch off my waist and some quarter and half inches off other areas, so I guess that's good right?  Well, it doesn't feel good that's for sure!!!!  I'm not gonna get to wear any of my cool clothes anytime soon if I don't work this out!!  I mean, it's sort of now beginning to feel like spring, my favorite season, and I really thought I'd be farther along in this process. 

I kind of wish I could say "April Fools" but, alas, it's true, it was only .4 pounds!  I did not get two work outs in yesterday and I did not drink a bunch of water which I normally do on Thursdays, especially throughout the afternoon, so I guess lesson learned in that arena.  I feel like my food was good, I did not count calories, I just can't get it together in that department.  I guess if I REALLY wanted this to go my way, all the time, without question I would count every single calorie I put in my mouth.  Maybe I just don't want it bad enough?  Or, I just like to whine?  Or I'm just self defeating?  Or maybe I set my own self up for failure?  Who knows, I'm sure many people would have many theories if they read my rants and raves, but my theory?  It's just plain annoying to count calories and I have enough annoyance in my life :)

35 days until my birthday, 28 until BSMF!  Next week, is recovery week, I already added exercises to the week because I'm so worried about not burning enough calories.  But I'm not sure I could even explain in words how excited I am that I do not have to do Plyometrics next week!!!

On a side note, I did get a baby to watch part time, starting in 2 weeks, that's awesome!  And it'll force me to get up early before she gets here to do at least one of the work outs!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Food Memories - But First....

First, I just need to get something out.  I'm really aggravated with myself.  I set my alarm to get up early, at first I was doing it often, not everyday but often, now I don't do it at all. So nap time consists of trying to rush through a work out and do whatever else I have to do during nap time.  Not to mention since I'm working out about 2 hours a day, I either have to work out the entire nap time or do an hour at nap time and then an hour at bedtime, which isn't the best time.  So I don't really know what to do with myself.  I may have to put myself on a strict bedtime, but I know I'm not good with "rules" or "restrictions"...I sort of rebel from them.  Like, tomorrow I'll be gone all day a good 12 hours, and I know in my head that I desperately need to work out before I leave the house, but I'd have to get up at like 430/5 to do that.  I honestly love the idea of doing this, I know I'll be awake and alert and just feel better through out the day but when it comes to that alarm going off, I'll just hit snooze.  And, today, it's a Wednesday, which are always crazy days, and I just ignored the alarm clock and when I did get up I ended up falling back asleep on the couch for 15 minutes.  Oh the days I could sleep for four hours and have abounding energy....

So, now that that's off my chest.  Onto food memories.  I have a lot of these, it's probably one of the many reasons I have food issues.  My mom was an amazing cook, we grew up on good, country, home cooked meals.  She made our breakfast before school almost every morning (which I hope to do for Isaac and Zoe), we always had a hot meal and we always had some variety.  I do remember lots of pork chops and potatoes probably because they are cheap, but she always had a variety of ways to fix them.  My favorite pork chops where breaded and laid over stuffing and baked...yummmmmy!!!  I don't think I've ever fixed pork chops in this house. 

For our birthdays every year we got to pick the meal for dinner.  My sister always picked either liver and onions (because I HATED it and she knew it and she was being mean, because I either ate that or I'd pretty much eat nothing), sometimes she'd pick Fried Chicken, which is what my dad makes her now.  I'd pick meatloaf, with potatoes and green beans.  Travis would pick chicken and dumplings with either corn or peas and Andy would pick Spaboli (inside out pizza...sort of...kind of like a cal zone but like 100x better).   And sometimes these would vary but this is mostly the picks.  

Grape Nuts remind me of my maternal grandma, because I always had those for breakfast, and we never had them at our house, and I never understood why there wasn't any grapes in it.  My paternal grandma I have awesome food memories with, crackers with butter, fried egg sandwich on white bread with mayo and she used to make this hamburger and noodle thingy sometimes, she wasn't really that great of a cook but she definitely got an A for effort.  According to my dad she was a terrible cook, her mom died when she was a baby and she was the youngest of 5 girls so she was sort of babied, I guess she didn't really have to learn how to cook. 

The other day I was eating strawberries and I have a very distinct food memory that wasn't about my childhood.  Now, strawberries should probably remind me of my paternal grandpa because he had a farm (he didn't live there but he had one) and he had strawberries there and so we often had fresh strawberries.  Just an FYI, fresh strawberries DO NOT taste the same as what you get in the store and they dont' get as big (probably the case for most all fruits/veggies).  But as I was eating the strawberries I remembered how after Zoe was born I'd order a bowl full of strawberries for EVERY meal.  I was nursing so I was allowed to order as much food as I wanted and I literally would order an entire meal (plus some for snacks later) and then a big bowl of strawberries and sometimes it was the only thing I'd eat on my plate.  I dont' know what it was about strawberries but it's all I wanted.  And I was at the hospital for 4 1/2 days so I ate a lot of them.  Then I remembered craving then after I had Isaac and get this huge bowl of all kinds of fruit and it was so yummy, but I couldn't keep it down, I didn't give myself enough time for my stomach to settle after surgery.  I'm pretty sure if I get the pleasure of having another baby I'd probably eat a ton of strawberries.  Since I'm only "allowed" to have 2 more babies (it's all the c-sections my doctor feels safe to perform) I sort of wish I could have those last 2 in a couple years..... It's not like I can just keep having babies forever, I obviously can't...., didn't know that was gonna come out in this entry.  I'm fine where I'm at if these two are all I have, I feel blessed to have a boy and a girl, healthy, happy and whole!

So, I have a lot of food memories beyond what I shared.  In my home growing up it was important that we all sat down at the table together to eat, that we had a nice, hot, home cooked meal and we turned the TV off.  It's not what I do now, but it was really special to me and really good for us kids.  Plus right now it's hard to fix two separate meals (and sometimes more because I have some insanely picky eaters at this house) and then sit down and watch everyone eat their huge plates of yummy food and I'm eating baked fish and roasted broccoli!  Anyway, I think everyone could link food to memories or memories to food.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Week 12 Weigh In

Friday was my 12th weigh in.  I would have loved to say that I've lost a consistent 3 pounds a week and was now at 36 pounds, only 2 away from my original/first goal.  But, unfortunately, I have not lost 3 pounds consistently, as I'm way more complicated that I thought.

But, the good news, I lost 2.5 pounds last week!!!!  One of my best weeks yet!  A total of 18.4 pounds!!!  And my food choices definitely could have been better, which sort of makes me mad at myself.  It just makes me think that if I would have been a little more careful I would have had an even bigger number, so this week I'm trying to do just that.  And I skipped Ab Ripper X at least once and I think missed at least one other work out, so this week I am not missing any work outs.

It feels pretty good to have almost 20 pounds off and I know this week I'll hit that 20 pound mark, or even better.   I have 4 1/2 weeks until BSMF, so another 10 - 15 pounds off would be awesome!!  Not what I want it to be, but at least better.  I already definitely have more confidence and have found even a few more jeans/pants that'll fit.  I measured myself and I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong with this measuring.  I don't really know where to hold the tape, so I might enlist the help of my husband this week.  I didn't measure myself on Jan 1 like I should have either, but that's okay.

I have this stack of clothes I pulled out when going through my clothes the other day.  They are my "man I hope these fit for BSMF."  Which is pretty motivational considering the last time they fit was 10 pounds BELOW my goal...  But we'll see, my body is totally different now after having 2 babies and I'm working out harder than I ever have.

This blog has made me more accountable that I thought.  People are telling me they are reading it when I didn't even know and then talking to me about what they are going through and I LOVE it!! And encouraging me to try different things, which I also LOVE! 
I have 42 days until my birthday (since last Friday), only 35 days until BSMF.  Don't worry I won't lose my motivation after either.  Picking up a 15 pound weight is HARD and to imagine that I carried that around PLUS a few pounds just in January.  Ugh, I can't imagine what about 50 pounds is going to feel like.  Well, I can...liberating!!!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Week 11 Weigh In

I realize I’m really far in getting this posted, but I guess it’s sort of a testament to how busy I can get. Even though it may seem at times that I don’t really do that much.  I actually weigh in again tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure I got this posted before then.  Hopefully tomorrow’s post won’t be this far behind next week!

Last week, as always, I was a little weary about how this weigh in was going to go.  I really wanted to see a 4 or better loss, I knew it was sort of a far reach but I was hopeful.  I did skip a few work outs, I only did 2 ab ripper x’s instead of the 3 on my list.  And I think I skipped a cardio one day, even though I did the toning/weight work out for that day.  I did realize something last week with all these weight loss shows I watch.  It sort of becomes super discouraging when I only lose a pound or two, because on TV I see all these girls my size losing 5 or 6 pounds and sometimes up to 10 pounds in a week.  I know they are working out 4 or 5 hours a day, their  food is closely monitored, they have personal trainers and of course the accountability of being on TV.  But last week on The Biggest Loser one of the girls was in charge of doing all the cooking for the week and was talking about she was weighing in for all the busy moms of America and when she got a 2 pound loss she was a little bit disappointed and wished she could have done better to show the moms of America that it’s possible.  For me, personally, 2 pounds a week is amazing and should never be considered a “low” number.  I think any mom in America who is as busy as me (again, I’m a pretty lazy mom/housewife) would be somewhat proud of 2 pounds a week.  I use the word proud here instead of happy because I think we’re always proud of a weight loss, I don’t think we’re always happy when it’s not as big as we hoped.

So, to the weigh in, I lost 2 pounds.  That makes 16 pounds total.  It’s like not even half way to where I want to be right now and I’m running out of time.  I’m pretty sure at this point that I will not reach my first goal, but I know I can’t give up.  I was sort of sad about my number, as I felt I had really put the work in.  Then I was reminded that there’s a way to KNOW that I’ll lose at least 3 pounds and then there’s “feeling” like I did a good job and may lose a couple pounds.  I get that writing down my calories and strictly sticking to 1200-1500 a day will pretty much guarantee me a 3 pounds weight loss a week.  I guess I just don’t have “that” in me that pushes me to do that.  I tend to stray more around 1700. 
Later that night a friend offered to watch baby girl, since the oldest 4 kids were at grandma’s, so Jeremy and I could actually have dinner alone (hasn’t happened since October of last year).  I was well behaved, using celery sticks instead of chips for the dip we had as an appetizer and I didn’t even eat that much of it, then picking a salad for dinner when I really wanted pasta.  We went to Target after dinner and I haven’t looked a clothes rack since probably November of last year, I just skip mine and go straight to the kids clearance racks.  But, since I had chub rubbed through 4 pairs of jeans I decided to just flip through and see if anything caught my eye.  I was pretty sure I’d buy a shirt and not pants, since shirts are much easier on my ego and I needed some baggy ones to hide the “muffin top” the jeans I had were giving me.  I saw a pair of jeans, $14, I was pretty positive these jeans were NOT going to fit me, they were 6 sizes (I think 6, I mean the sizes are numbered by even numbers only, so if you subtract the first size from the second size, it’s six, if you do it my two’s then it was only 3 sizes, but whatever, I saw 6) smaller than the pair I bought in January.  I couldn’t believe it!!!  They sat a smidge higher on my waist than I prefer but they fit, I mean they really really fit.  I still had the baggy shirt issue to deal with, I think it’s just from having two babies and not having the firmness I used to have in my belly that this is happening.  But I was beyond shocked, I couldn’t believe they fit.  I ran out and grabbed the exact same size in a different brand that was $11 and well, because brands can’t seem to get it together and those didn’t fit.  It’s okay though, we bought the $14 jeans!!  They are even a little baggy in the upper legs area.  Then tonight, before church, I grabbed a pair of jeans I had put up because they didn’t fit in January and they fit.  I didn’t take my measurements last week when I weighed in and I probably should have.  I will this week though for sure.

Again, not hopeful for the number on the scale this week.  I know I could have done better in the eating department even though I’ve done pretty amazing in the work outs.  Today even I did 2 hours of P90X and went for an hour long walk with Jeremy and the babies AND made sure to do the Ab work out.  So, I feel like I did my part today.  The hill during our walk that I normally huff and puff up, I went up pretty smoothly.  (So I wrote everything above on Wednesday.)
Today, being Thursday now, I definitely put the work outs in.  I did a Plyometrics AND Kenpo, that’s pretty crazy.  I didn’t want to do anything, I was pretty much trying to find any excuse I could to not work out, but I had none.  The up and down in weather has my mood up and down.  Of course after each work out I felt better.  While I was eating lunch, a Starkist Seasations Sesame Ginger Shrimp Frozen EntrĂ©e I bit into something hard.  Upon inspection of my mouth, I first thought it was a piece of glass, no no, it was a diamond!  We checked my wedding ring, and it was not from mine (thank goodness).  The diamond is pretty small, but I called Starkist and they want me to send it to them.  I’m thinking I’m hitting up a jeweler tomorrow to find out if it’s real!!!  It’s not like I can sue them, I wasn’t hurt and people lie and so I’m sure they won’t believe a word I say anyway, but I know the truth and so does Jeremy.
Weigh in tomorrow, we shall see!  Five weeks until Memphis, Six weeks until my 31st birthday,  I’d have to loss about 22 pounds to reach the first goal….I’m grateful for every pound!!  And the plan is to get up and do cardio AND my weight work out before I weigh in!  Doing that the other day really freed up my entire day!
Wednesday night at church was unbelievable!!!!  Just had to throw that out there!