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Monday, June 27, 2011

More Nonsense

I thought only gaining 2 pounds back after doing NOTHING for a month would motivate me to start doing something, that is not correct, I haven't done anything.  Every week I think I'm going to start and I never do.  And I actually thought the looming "Labor Day Float" which I really really really hope we get to do this year would also help me.  So far, no go!  It's weird to think about what WILL actually motivate me, what is it going to take?

I caught my 3 year old biting his nails, which I bite my nails and I immediately became very self conscious of biting my nail and it's getting better.  Will it take one of my kids being obese for me to work on it?   Which I honestly don't even want to think about!!!!!  My kids are so active, Isaac is a great eater and Zoe is picky (we work on it), so I want to keep them active and eating better than I do/did!!

I've taken my kids to eat at school twice in the last couple weeks.  They offer free lunches for kinds 18 and under.  The first time was chicken strips, mashed potatoes, corn, fruit cocktail, cookie, and milk or juice.  Honestly I wouldn't eat it, it was not appealing at all.  Today, cheeseburgers, cold french fries, peaches in syrup, cookie, and milk or juice.  I ate a cheeseburger...couldn't stomach anything else.  It was so gross!!    That's all I'm going to say about that, until I can get myself to a better health place, I cannot judge anyone Else's choices.

Right now I'm sitting here thinking about working out, I need to, I want to, sort of!  I do know I feel better when I work out and I can get more done around the house when I do, I'm more patient with my children, and just happier in general.  The thought of getting off the couch, putting on work out clothes, fighting Isaac to get out the door, just makes me sit here longer.  No work out video I have sounds like something I want to do.  Jogging sounds great, but I know it'll be a pathetic attempt, and I will have to fight Isaac to get out the door!

Maybe someone out there could tell me how amazing they felt after they lost weight!  Or something...I don't know.

I hear about momentum!  I need that, I just need to drop like a pound this week and keep that momentum for the next 8 - 10 weeks.  I also read an article about finding a belt that fits you on the first notch, that way you'll be able to tell if you're losing weight, gaining weight, or staying the same.  I actually did this a long time ago.  I bought a belt, an embarrassing size that fit on the first notch, I'm now and have been on the 3 notch for a LONG time.  I was on the first notch for so long that that part of the belt actually fell off the other day.  Some days, depending on the pants I'm wearing and where they sit on my waist/hips depends on whether it's on the second or third notch.  So that's a good thing to have around.

Last night when I sat down to eat, I pulled out a Party Pizza, which I normally LOVE LOVE!!   Um, it was so gross to me that I barely ate half of it.  Which then I thought "oh, I didn't eat 'all my dinner'" and then I ate other stuff, stupid stupid stupid! 

Well, I think it's time to lay Isaac down with a movie so I can do something!

Monday, June 13, 2011

I faced the music

So, last Friday I finally weighed in to see the damage.  I haven't posted in over a month, I simply haven't done anything for myself since I've gotten back from Memphis.  I've felt pretty guilty about going away, when my husband is the one who really needed the vacation, and in a weird sort of way I just didn't feel right taking more time to myself, for exercise, and meal planning and what not. 

I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain.  My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted.  I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy.  The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.

Well, I only gained 2 pounds.  I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this.  I shouldn't have been.  Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month.  When you really think about that, it's disgusting.  But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.

On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening.  Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes.  But now I'm totally disgusted by many things.  I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk.  I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health.  And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc. 

I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent.  Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me!  I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more.  There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that??  I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it?  Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.

I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this.  There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food.  One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it...  So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.

I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet.  The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be.  The list, was LONG, no kidding.  Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself.   You should really try this, it's no easy task.  Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short.   Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me.  Perfect in His image.  This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now.  I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself.   I also hope the next post isn't too far off....