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Monday, November 19, 2012

Liberated

Some of you may think this is a 'cop out', but be that as it may, it's the truth, and I just need to say it and get it off my chest.  There's a lot that's happened to me, internally, the last week or so.  First, I started a book called Serenity.  It's a book that accompanies AA type stuff.  I've felt for about 3 years I've needed to read this book.  My mother-in-law was a Pastor at this great little church and her woman's group read through this book many years ago.  It struck me as odd at first because I was pretty sure most, if not all of them, were not alcoholics or drug addicts.  But when I asked her about it, she said it just helped many of them, herself included, walk through some behaviors and other things of that nature.  So, I got the book from her.  Within the first chapter I felt completely liberated.  Here's what an addiction is: according to modern English dictionary.
n

the condition of being abnormally dependent on some habit, esp compulsive dependency on narcotic drugs.

And here's what it means in a medical dictionary:

n.
Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control.


And yet again, in a science dictionary:

  1. A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.
  2. A habitual or compulsive involvement in an activity, such as gambling.
So, the truth is, I think about food or eating, pretty much 24/7.  I think about what I'm eating every moment of every day.  This is nuts.  And I can't stop doing it.  It's literally, beyond my control.  It's a compulsion, it's often involuntary and I've become completely dependent on it to feed so many emotions or moments.  And then, in the first chapter of this book, I read this scripture: Romans 7:18 - 20
Amplified Bible (AMP)
18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.]

19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it [it is not myself that acts], but the sin [principle] which dwells within me [[a]fixed and operating in my soul].

Do you see what this says?  This says exactly what I've been saying about food for YEARS!  I do not want to overeat, I do not want to be unhealthy but I literally do not have the power to do what is right.  WOW!  So, I had to give up control of it.  I have never in my life, felt so liberated from food.  All these diets, programs, theories, etc, etc, talk about portion control and food control and eat this and not that and do this and not that and it made me crazier than before.  It made me binge, it made me hungrier, I snuck food, I bought food 'for the kids' just to eat myself.  It was uncontrollable.  After giving my food up to God, I haven't finished a plate yet, when I'm full I actually stop for once.  I've stayed busier this last week, which has kept my mind off of food.  I've made better choices.  And, I even admitted to my husband that when I would run errands sometimes, I would often stop for a 'treat' when no one was in the car with me, and well, I haven't done that since either.  I actually got in line at a fast food place to get a free milkshake and got OUT of line because I just didn't want to do it.  This is unbelievably a HUGE thing for me!!!  I've never felt more in control of my issue that right now, by giving up control.  And yes, everyday, and several times a day I have to ask God to take control, I have to relinquish things to him but I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulder and off my heart with this simple truth in my life.  I'm continuing on in the book, I love it, I'll read it again and again I'm sure.


So, that was the first liberating moment for me.  Then, I just decided one day I was done nursing.  Josie is 8 months old, I had all intentions of nursing until she was a year old, I just thought it's what seemed right to me.  She is my last baby, I wanted to hold onto that bonding, cuddling for as long as possible and well, she just didn't seem interested anymore and something in me just felt done.  So we are done.  (You can nurse however long you choose, more power to you, and if you choose NOT to nurse, that's fine too...this is a personal thing, not a judgement on ANYONE else.)  The next day I was sort of sad, it means my baby days are pretty over.  But I felt this huge sense of "Holy crap, it's MY body now!! MINE! MINE! No more boobies belonging to babies, no more chances I'll get pregnant and 'ruin' any weight I have lost!!"  I sat in my room for a moment just relieved almost.  It's my body, what seems like a little over 5 years, I'm not nursing, I'm not pregnant and there's not a chance I will be pregnant.  That stage of my life is over and it's, honestly, liberating to me!!  It feels good, I feel good about this decision.  I feel excited to move onto the next stage.  I feel like DAWN for once!

Then, I realized, I have no bras that are not nursing bras, that's right.  Between all my kids, even when not nursing, I just kept wearing nursing bras.  I will admit I have like three bras, all of which gave me that really stupid, odd, boob muffin top!!  You know what I'm talking about?  The boobie poof?  It's so gross!  Of course, my husband didn't see any issues with it.  I'm not talking about cleavage, that I don't take issue with, it's the boobie poof, when like the top 2 inches of you boob poof out of your bra because your bra doesn't fit right.  Well, to me, it's gross!!  I don't want any part of my boob falling out of my bra, the boobie poof is just wrong and should be outlawed (along with the butt crack peak-a-boo, but I cant' figure out why I have that issue and other people don't - do I just have a really long crack?).  AND I only have one pair of jeans that fit.  So, even though my body was finally mine, I was still stuck in the same clothes, with a muffin top and a boobie poof.  So we went out and bought me two new bras and two new jeans!!!  So, liberating.  I actually WANT to look nice for once.  I want to dress sort of in fashion, (the truth is, I have no idea what actually IS in fashion, but I just want to be out of my jeans, tshirts and tennis shoes).  So, this was also very liberating to me.  I feel free from the mom-clothes!!!!

So, that's where I've felt liberated this last week.  It's the oddest feeling being free from things that have been pushing me down for a long time.  I'm so incredibly excited for what the future has for me, I'm no longer afraid I'm going to be unhealthy (or even fat) forever.  I know there's freedom.  Over the last many years I have felt free from many things, I know Jesus is my freedom from eternal damnation, He's my freedom from sickness and disease, He's my protector, provider, provision.  But for whatever reason I couldn't get it inside my heart that if I give it to Him He will take control of whatever part of my life I need His help with. 

What have you been liberated from?  What's controlling your life that you need freedom from?  Is there something that the more you try to control the more of control it gets?  There is FREEDOM in Jesus, in His Word, in His love!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Can't hide anymore

I guess it's time to fess up and quit hiding from my blog.  You all have missed me right? 

Here's what's went down over the last many months.  I have lost no weight.  I've pretty much maintained, that's good right?  But, you know me, it's frustrating.  Upon the advice of my doctor and the encouragement of my brothers girlfriend, I signed up from Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago.  They have a special, so there's no sign up fee, but you have to sign up for 3 months up front, so it's $20/month basically.  Not too bad, that's like a gym membership.  I'm still sort of confused by the whole points process, I need to spend some time writing the points on certain things around my house and print out something for the kitchen so I can see, but I like the program to track everything I eat.

The first week I was given a ridiculous amount of points, I had 'told' it that I was nursing part time, which gave me all these extra points, I literally could not eat enough points in a day, so at the end of that week I had gained a pound and decided to edit it and tell it I was not nursing, which puts me in a more reasonable point amount.  So, where's the honesty in all of this?  Well, I don't keep track of everything.  We've had Halloween parties, birthday parties, etc and I FEEL like I did well, but if I was REALLY honest with myself, I only did okay with the eating.  Then I catch myself eating a cracker off my kids plate or grabbing a couple chips while I'm cooking dinner and then well, not writing that down.  So, yeah, I'm lying to myself, how dumb is this?  So, again, I hope to write points on some things so I can see it as I pick it up.

This is a hard time of year, as we all know, but I can have an excuse for every time of year.  And I'm not getting sleep again. For whatever reason my two year old has decided she's going to wake up at least twice a night to come into bed with me.  If I let her lay with me, it's miserable.  If I don't let her lay with me, she constantly gets up.  And even though we're 2 months into school, I still haven't gotten used to get up early enough to get all the kids ready to go out the door.  How do people do this?  What am I going to do next year when it's everyday??!!  EEK!

So, this is the month of Thankfulness, I will try to be thankful for things here and then elaborate.  I obviously make my facebook status what I'm thankful for (doesn't everyone?  you're not cool unless you do!).  The first day (yesterday) I said I was thankful for refinancing at 3% and I AM!  Plus, we have an FHA loan, which means IF we ever sold, any credit qualified buyers can take over the 3%, wouldn't that be amazing in like 10 years?  But I don't really want to move - have you seen my basement, that place is a pain to move?!?!  AND this dropped our payment another like $100 - yay and took a big amount off the life of our loan.  All great things, however, it did cost us $1000 more than we expected to do the closing.  The new mortgage company wanted a couple months buffer in our escrow we weren't prepared for..boooo!!  Which put us in a little bit of a bind, but I'm sure it'll work out, I'm just grateful for the 3%!  Today I said I was grateful for God's sense of humor.  He made us, humans, we fart and fall down and both of those things are hilarious.  It's true!