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Monday, January 31, 2011


I just got a craving for brownies and I mean a salivating, I can taste them craving!!!!  Really need to invest in some "diet" desserts or something.  I think I have a box brownie mix, I will not make them, I will not make them....

Yesterday was my amazing friend, Amy's birthday!  She's super encouraging and is hilarious.  She told me an awesome story that I need to relay.  We both had babies in Feb of last year, only 9 days apart.  This was her 3rd baby (my second), so a few months after her 3rd baby was born she was going to work and decided to put on a pair of pre pregnancy jeans.  Now, Amy is not by ANY means a fatty, she's super skinny and loves to run on the treadmill (yeah, it's really the only thing holding us back from being BFF's, she loves the treadmill and I hate it...).  So, she puts on the pre-pregnancy jeans and goes to work, she's a teacher.  They do not button or zip, but she decides to go to work anyway, with a big shirt on over them.  All day concerned that the jeans may have a mind of their own and end up at her knees, when she got to work she says to her teacher's assistant "ask me about my jeans."  It's basically beyond hilarious.  Amazing what we'll do for those pre-pregnancy pants!!! 

Yesterday I also watched "I Used To Be Fat" with Jordan.  That kid was awesome.  I relayed to the emotional eating that he was going through.  But this kid totally kicked butt.  He worked so hard and reached his goal day 55 of the 110 days he had, incredible!  What I would like to mention is his trainer, Joey, I can only guess that he was a major goofball and not completely serious with some of the stuff he did.  He showed Jordan "the boom" which was probably the funniest thing I've seen on TV in a long time.  And then "the stance" with "the boom" it was to pick up chicks and if some guy would have ever done this to me (which they never would have cause guys never really hit on me...even when I was thin..I'm pretty sure I was annoying beyond what I could comprehend) but anyway, if that would have happened, I probably would have had things come out of my nose from laughing so hard.  What I couldn't figure out if he was serious or not.  But I'd bet money that he was a goofball and by the end of the show Joey had become my favorite trainer thus far.  He was a mentor to this young kid who from what I could tell didn't have a father figure in his life.  Anyway, love him, I'd watch more of him.

What I forgot to say about my jog outside Saturday:  Normally I just jog/walk down the road I live on.  Even though we live in this amazing subdivision for walking I still would just go down my road.  Well after I went down my road and I was jamming to my iPod, I kept going.  And jogged all the way to this HUGE and I mean HUGE hill in our subdivision.  And decided on my way down, while listening to Gavin Degraw "I Don't want to be", that I was going to sprint up the hill.  I pushed and pushed and pushed and almost made it to the top, and I will conquer that hill soon, well, as soon as the weather will let me. 

Today I only did 1 work out, so tomorrow I have to get back on the ball.  Yesterday I actually worked out before church which was pretty great for me, but it felt good and I had lots of energy at church.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Vanna White and Spring Tease!

It sounded like a Spring Thaw outside, it looked like a Spring Thaw outside and it felt like the beginning of a Spring Thaw outside and it was a big fat tease!!!  We all know the mess that's going to hit next week - eeeeeekkk!  However, I got to jog outside and it felt AMAZING!!!  I haven't felt that amazing working out since I started this.  And it sort of reinforced how much I actually hate the treadmill.  I jogged for so long, 45 minutes (there were a few moments of walking in there) and it was possibly closer to an hour, I didn't exactly look at the clock when I left and I seriously felt like I could have kept going.  Even with the temperature outside I even sweat.  The only reason I didn't keep going was because I still had stuff to do at home, I probably should have kept felt that good.  I actually also did a 45 minute yoga work out, I had to stop half way through but finished up while everyone was eating lunch.  Since I don't exactly know how to do yoga, I'm kind of worried I might have kinked my back pushing myself a little hard.  But it'll be fine in the morning.

On my jog, I was thinking, I'd like to "act out" the song "We are the Pirates who don't do Anything" by Relient K - yes, from The Veggie Tales Movie!   I want to act it out with two other super fun people, have someone else super fun record it and then I know two great video editors and then it would be awesome!  Anyway, it just sounds like a lot of fun and it's these exact ideas that I would have totally done when I felt like myself and today, I felt a bit like myself!  Yup, gonna have more great ideas, or bad ones, that's fine too and then actually do them.  Cannot wait!!

Here's something you may not have known about me, and it's pretty awesome to say the least.  I wanted to be Vanna White when I was a kid and I mean REALLY wanted to be her.  I loved writing my name all over everything I owned, much to the dismay of my sister, who liked things to be neat and clean and organized and just not messed with really.  And well, I'd often write "Vanna White" in my books, or possibly her books.  I'm not really sure why, other than I wanted to be her and I practiced...a lot, but maybe I thought that if I wrote Vanna White in the books my sister would think Vanna White herself actually did it.  My sister may not even know this but I was convinced that Vanna White wasnt' really her name, that any girl who did that job would be called Vanna White.  So when I get that job my name will actually be Vanna White.  Now, you may just have realized how awesome I've always been.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Week 4 Weigh In

I honestly can't believe it, but I lost a pound this week which meansTEN POUNDS total!  Hurray for me!  Only by the grace of God did that happen this week.  I'm pretty sure He knew what He was doing because it totally re-invigorated me!  I cleaned like a crazy person today, and I sweat doing it (okay, seriously is it sweat or sweated??).  And did a kickboxing video and felt great after doing it!  And did 20 minutes on the treadmill before I got on the scale this morning.  I actually wanted to do an hour yoga work out that I had recorded just because the other day it felt so amazing, so hopefully tomorrow I will have the time to do it.   Imagine what I would do with an actual trainer or gym membership, I think I would totally kick even more butt.  However, I'm okay with doing it without those things.

98 days left until my first goal date!  Need to lose about 1/3 a pound a day, which doesn't seem like a lot but I'm trying not to think about how hard it really is. 

I guess what was ironic about today was that even though my little ones are kind of a handful they seemed easier to handle today even though I was doing stuff all day.  Whenever I sit down to watch tv or play on the computer they immediately are all up in my business.  Or, exercise of course they want to be up in it.  So, again, not easy to clean with a 1 and a 3 year old, but it worked out.  Luckily little girl did both of her naps today and I think I finally figured out whey she wasn't taking two naps a day last week because I got a peak at her 3rd tooth today. 

I talked about jumping jacks yesterday and here's the truth of my work out gear.  First, I don't really own work out clothes, well, I own a TON  of lounge pants, because well when I refuse to acknowledge my actual size for as long as I have, lounge pants are always forgiving.  And they are sized in letters, not numbers, so it seems less painful.  So I work out in my lounge pants and t-shirts and unless I'm on the treadmill I dont' wear socks or shoes.  And I always, no matter what I'm doing wear two bras, yup, two.  A sports bra that has definitely seen it's day and usually just another everyday bra.  It's silly really but totally necessary, I'll be glad for the day I only need one!

Maybe that was TMI, but that's okay, I'm getting pretty used to sharing more than I probably should!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I wish I could wrap my issues in words

Here are some “highlights” of what I wrote earlier in the week.   I was really wary of sharing all of this, but I was wary of starting this blog to begin with.  Nothing is more personal that a struggle of heart, because that’s really what my struggle is about.  I guess if people don’t want to get this personal with me, they don’t have to read.  And if you don’t want to get “serious” with me, skip to Thursday!

Man I am really struggling…seriously struggling.  At this point I’m pretty sure I’ll gain weight this week.  Yeah, but got below a certain number and I think I’m going to ruin it.  I can’t seem to trace what’s going on.  I mean I realize the significance of the weekend makes sense.  Honestly, I think it’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with but I can’t seem to explain to people.  I feel a little….unimportant?...disregarded?...something.  Whatever the feeling is, it’s really distracting and doing a major toil on my progress.

I’m continuing to struggle.  Even as I sit here, full, I desperately want a cookie, a piece of pizza, pepper jack cheese, anything really!!!  I worked out fairly well today, 20 minutes on the treadmill, a 50 minute aerobic work out and some sit ups.  I don’t feel satisfied with this.  I feel like I should be putting in like an hour on the treadmill and at least 45 minutes of another work out, and 500 sit ups.  I mean, that’s crazy right?  I don’t have that time in the day, unless I absolutely do nothing else and then feel insane!!!  I mean I already feel insane with the little that I do (yes, I will be completely honest here I am a terrible house keeper and not a very good cook and some days I only do what I have to do, and lately that’s all I’ve been doing…little to nothing).  I can’t imagine putting the pressure on myself to work out even more, and again, I don’t really feel like it’s that much.  But in my mind I’m not satisfied if I’m not doing more.   And to get to the root of honesty, it’s that feeling of unsatisfaction (yeah I get it, it’s not a word, I like it though) that is probably holding me back!  I don’t really ever feel like I satisfy anyone.  I don’t ever feel like I live up to other people’s expectations and I’m not even sure what my expectations for myself are.  I really comes back to feeling like I’m just not good enough in so many areas of my life for so many people.  So instead of trying my hardest to meet those expectations…..I eat them, I guess, I don’t really know how to finish this sentence.  I feel like such a baby, a whiner, a crier, whatever you want to call me… “oh poor me, people hurt my feelings and now I’m going to eat like a fatty.” “Oh poor me, people have expectations of me I don't feel like I can meet and now I’m not going to work out..”  “oh poor me, I have grief, deep hard grief that I hardly got to deal with and now I just want food.”  Yeah, seems like the silliest, most asinine, most ridiculous brew-ha-ha I’ve ever read…or said…or just thought. 
Again, what a stupid battle I fight.  And it’s a battle that I cannot, for the life of me, explain to anyone.  Instead of connecting with people and feel like I’m becoming more and more confusing or maybe annoying to people.  I wish I could wrap my issues in words, something I’ve always been amazing at, but, alas, this is not currently the case!

As I’ve been saying, I will continue to push through this.  I am an over comer, I am more than a conqueror, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

This morning, I worked out to “faithful workouts” a program on a Christian TV channel, so she integrated the Word of God into her workout.  The workout kicked my booty.  I really don’t like jumping jacks…if you’ve ever nursed a baby or you’re just a fatty, you’ll know why, but I did them with her.   
I started off this year joyful of my journey, excited about what God has in store for me.  The witness I can bring from this.  The things I’m going to overcome along with the weight loss and instead I got in my head, when I need to be in the Spirit.  There is no stopping people’s words, there’s no stopping that my mom is dead, there’s no stopping that being a stay-at-home mom is lonely and hard (unless you’ve done it for a long time, you may never understand this, people think it’s a walk in the park..I kind of beg to differ), but there is stopping how I react to them.  I said to someone a week or so ago, that forgiveness only takes a moment, but reconciliation can take a lifetime, and this, is true.  It only takes me a moment to really dig into myself and forgive the people who have brought stress or hurt into my life and it only takes a moment to forgive my mom for dying (yup, I have to do that, silly isn’t it?), and forgive myself for things I’ve done to myself and other people, but in some instances the relationship may never fully recover or be fully reconciled, but as long as my heart is in the right spot as long as I’ve extended the forgiveness, then I can move on.

I was desperate to find some hope of Spring today.  I have cabin fever like a Polar Bear in Peru (yup, I get it, this makes no sense whatsoever).  So I decided to try to jog outside, I wasn’t to my neighbor’s driveway when I realized my fingers were frozen (with gloves) and our roads weren’t exactly clear, or even kind of clear, so I came home and begrudgingly got on the treadmill.  And, can I be totally honest here?  There were 3 tears on the treadmill, that is how much I wanted to be outside and NOT on the treadmill today.  
I’m even still in my work out clothes, disgusting isn’t it?  Because I thought that even though I did a 30 minute Gilad work out and 30 minutes on the treadmill that I would do more.  I, was wrong.  My food was good today, which seems to be my worst enemy, even though I haven’t had my night time snack yet, and since tomorrow is my weigh in I’m weighing (hahahahahahahah..okay not so much) what I should have.  I am not at all looking forward to the weigh in, I’m pretty positive I blew it this week and I wouldn’t be surprised because of the first few days of the week that I gained weight.  Yet, I sit here again thinking about how much more I should have done today, how much more I should have worked out.   This too shall pass!
I would like to disclaim that I am not what people may think of me from the last couple weeks.  I am a generally happy person and I have lots of fun in my life.  I just think I needed to be honest about my deeper things.  I enjoy laughing and smiling and I'm pretty good at it.  I just don't want to pretend that this journey is all about weight loss because it's so much more than that.....I am so much more than that!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Some honesty

I have to be honest here.  I have made pretty poor choices in the food department the last two days.  To be really honest it's been bad.  So, I am not example this weekend on how to deal with emotions.  On top of it being the anniversary of my mom's death I was basically told this week that I am the reason for someone's unhappiness. I know, that I'm not, that the unhappiness goes WAY deeper than me, but being the scapegoat for someone else's problems really doesn't feel good and brought up major feelings of shame, guilt and anger, none of which should have ever been given to me.  Which are all feelings I tried to eat through....

Here's the circle:  I eat because I'm emotional, my feelings are hurt, lonely, angry, whatever.  Then I have those same feeling because I just over ate.  Whether it's immediately or through the day.  Pretty dumb right?

Food is not going to fix my feelings.  But it doesn't hurt my feelings.  And when I'm eating it, I don't have to think about those feelings....

So, for the next few days I'm walking away from my blog and other pointless internet related things.  Not because this is my cure, that's just silly.  But it's because my comfort, it has also become my "I don't have to think about what's really going on while I surf the web".  And in that mindless surfing I've also become a mindless eater.  I'm comfortable being mindless, less things to think about and process.

I haven't given up by any means, I'm actually rejuvinated by the thought of actually coping.  Actually being in the moment, feeling the emotion, staying with it and coming out the other side stronger.  I may type in a notepad or something so I can document things as I go through them. 

Right now, I'm going to work out.  Not the treadmill as I know in my state I will only walk and pretend like I worked out.  I will work out to one or two of my saved TV shows.  I plan on pushing 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours a day, on days I can this week.  Whatever it takes to get my mind back focused on what it needs to be focused on...we shall see.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hanging at my dad's

I spent the day with my sister and dad at my dad's house taking a bunch of boxes of 'keepsakes' and just going through them.  My mom basically kept everything we ever did!!!!  We found almost every old birthday, valentines, Easter, Christmas, etc card that we ever wrote to our parents, they wrote to each other or people wrote to us.  All our old school papers, which were HILARIOUS.  We often made each other birthday cards, and they were awesome!!  I really hope that my kids makes me cards all the time when they are old enough to, I loved looking at them... 

We laughed, a lot, but deep down there was a tinge of sadness.  I even found a note I wrote my mom when I was really little that said "I hope you're my mom forever."  And obviously she is, but it was still sad. 

My dad made a turkey, mashed potatoes, corn and stuffing.  Which is probably my favorite meal, right next to roast, potatoes and corn or green beans!!!  It was hard not gorgeing myself, but I didn't and I desperately wanted to.  I even went over there with a sandwich I made before I left just in case someone suggested going to get something to eat, I wouldn't choose that right now.  So I had that for lunch and then came home and ate my sandwich for dinner. 

I did work out for an hour to the BYU tv work out before I left, which, again she used some equipment I don't have, but they show modifications so that's good.  I'm thinking that once garage sale season starts I'll be able to find some of these equipment!  I did have to pause twice, but it's okay, I pushed through.  I thought about getting on the treadmill when I got home, but I didn't.  It's okay, I'm definitely going to push this week.  I don't have this sense of entitlement right now "this is the anniversary of my mom's death I'm entitled to eat whatever I want."  Or "I've lost 9 pounds, I'm entitled to treat myself."  A sense of entitlement is probably one of my least favorite traits in people.  And it seems to be showing up more and more.

I hope one day I'll be able to wear a pencil skirt :)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Week 3 Weigh In

I got on the treadmill for only 20 minutes this morning and did 50 sit ups before I cooled off, then got on the scale.  And....the results...3 pound loss!! YAY!!!  That's 9 total, I'm so close to 10 pounds, I'm so proud of myself.  I'm definitely on track to hit my goal before my birthday.  Actually just realized that I would not hit my goal, so I will have to step it up for a few weeks, but I'm confident I can do this!

This is my countdown calendar.  Isn't it pretty?  So I have 105 days left to drop the weight I want to before my birthday.  I don't have it hanging up anywhere it just sits by my desk and every morning I take the top sheet off.  I'm sure it'll be rewarding to watch the stack get smaller and smaller and the number on the scale get smaller and smaller.

We had a coupon for a free "chicken fajita pita" from Jack in the Box so I had that for lunch today and a small fry, it's the first fast food I've had since probably December 30th-ish.  Which normally I'd have fast food at least once a week if not twice a week and Chinese Buffet probably once a week or every other week.  And it'll probably be the only fast food I have for at least another 3 weeks.  And, a couple hours later, I felt so sick to my stomach and icky in my head, pretty positive it was the fast food.  It's funny because I much rather would have had a big, fat greasy cheeseburger and a giant french fry, I guess it's good I didn't or I may have for real been sick!!   I ended up eating a yummy salad for dinner because I knew I needed something of substance.  It was great and now I want carrots, celery or an apple for my snack, weird isn't it?  Three weeks and I'm already realizing what crappy food is doing to me! 

My husband did some calculations and for me, he's like a genius.  Anyway, if I keep doing what I'm doing, about an hour of working out a day and keeping my calories on an average of 1350 a day (I average anywhere between 1000 - 1500 in a day) then I'd lose 3 pounds a week.  Unfortunately it will not get me under 200 by the first week in May.  So, I won't mess with my calories because that's just really unsafe, but I will have to step up some exercising to 1 1/2 - 2 hours a day for a few weeks to try to push for 4 - 6 pound weeks.  So, I'm not discouraged.  First, one beautiful glorious'll be Spring again and I can work out outside, yay!  Second, okay, that's really it.  Wait, second, I'm simply confident in my abilities! :)

Tomorrow I'll need to get on the treadmill before I leave for my dad's, not only will it wake me up but it'll keep me from over eating while I'm there!

Thursday, January 20, 2011


So, tomorrow is important for two reasons. The first being my mom died on January 21, 2004, the WORST day of my life!!!  And the second, it's my third week weigh in.  I'm feeling pretty decent about this week.  I'd love to have dropped four pounds, that would put me at a total of 10, but I'll be pretty satisfied with anything.  I've come to realize on this journey that anything that's not a gain is a positive thing. 

Tomorrow and this weekend will probably be pretty tough.  Because it's really like a week long process surrounding her death.  The first being, today was the last day I ever saw her alive 7 years ago.  (I can't believe it was 7 years, I still sometimes wish it was a dream and I often think about how amazing it would feel if she would just walk into my dad's house and be like "I was just on vacation.")  Anyway, so that's today, but I pushed through without losing my mind.  I remember I left her house at exactly 2pm because I guess I had to be somewhere, maybe get my step kids off the bus, I'm not sure.  Then tomorrow is the 3:45 am phone call that changed my life forever.  Then sitting on the sidewalk of the hospital having to call relatives at 5am and tell them, I had to tell my mom's own sister.... But even more heart wrenching, my husband driving me all the way into St Louis so I could tell my sister face to face...  Then just that day, was such a blur, but I remember every detail..does that even make sense?  Then the wake the next day.  People waited for almost 4 hours just to tell me how amazing my mom was.  The parking lot for the funeral home was so full it overflowed into the church next door and the subdivision behind the Funeral Home.  Then burying her, the final moment to see her.  UGH!  Then the next day realizing it was all over....I sat and wrote over 400 thank you cards.  My dad came and picked me up and I stayed with him for just a few days, he took me to breakfast at T and A Travel Center.

Anyway, I will push, it'll be a tough weekend.  I'm hoping to spend all day with my siblings and possibly my dad on Saturday!  But, being at my dad, I'll have to watch myself, as he's my go to place for sweets!

See ya in the am!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Thanks for coming through for me endorphins!!

There is not any part of me that wants to work out today.  When that happens I know I cannot get on the treadmill first because I'll just walk the entire time at like 3.0 which isn't much of a work out.  I mean it all helps don't get me wrong, but walking for 30 minutes at 3.0 seems like a bit of a waste of time to me considering the weight I need to lose.  It's also not helpful when I lay babygirl down for her morning nap and she is not falling asleep.

Last night I didn't stay up for "me" time.  I knew that if I did, I'd eat, probably binge a little bit.  I honestly wish I could just sleep until the 24th.  But that's not an option.  I will apologize in advance for a week where my entries may not reflect my shining personality.

Well, I finally started a workout, it was on BYU TV, which I don't even know what that channel is.  At first I thought it was going to be an infomercial but it was an hour work out.  It only took me 2 hours to complete because my children were very uncooperative today.  I will not be able to do a second work out so I'm pushing through as many sit ups as I can.  As now, it is 3pm and baby girl has shown no interest in a nap today.  And I can't take her with me to get on the treadmill because I'm pretty sure I'll rip her arm off, at least that's what happens in my head when I think about it.  She waddles over to me, puts her hands on the spinny belt and ta-da I step on her hand and then it flings backwards and she gets sucked under the treadmill, trapped between the wall and the spinning belt.  So, yeah I have a pretty vivid imagination. 

So on the workout, which I forgot to write down the name, it was actually pretty good.  I sweated, which is important and I struggled with a few things.  However, she used lots of equipment that I don't have.  She used these "discs" then suggested that if you don't have them to use paper plates.  Well, the paper plates only kind of worked, so I just used my socks, I tend to not wear shoes when I work out, unless of course I'm outside or on the treadmill!  It did make some of the moves less jarring but it was weird.  They are used to put them under your feet and slide into lunges and things like that.  Anyway, I will probably record these again.  It took me two hours because the following things happened: baby girl refused to take a nap, so I had to pick her up and lay her down twice, little man tackled baby girl so I had to chase him through the house at least twice, baby girl kept getting behind me when I was sliding back into my lunges and I'd knock her over, then I'd have to pick her up and comfort her, phone rang at least twice with no one on the other end, there was at least one butt wipe and one diaper change.    So, I guess 2 hours isn't that bad after all. 

Big snow storm coming in, spring I neeeeeeed you!!!  Because of the big snow we did not attend church this evening.  We have been 35 minutes away at church twice this year when a bad storm has hit, so we kind of made the decision to be safe this time and not really risk it.  It's a good thing we didn't because by the time we would have gotten home from church our house had 2 -3 inches! Good choice, good choice.  Even though I REALLY could have used a Wednesday night refresher!

My belly felt a little icky this afternoon, just not hungry, a little nauseous (thanks Jessie Dunn for the spelling) but just icky in general.  Then some junk happened at my house, which junk happens at everyone's house really, so I know I'm not some "special case" and would never say I am.  Anyway, now that I had the time in the day, since we weren't going to church, I thought "Hmm, I could get on the treadmill" even though I felt yucky.  ORRRR I could lay around, hope my belly feels better and eat some crap because I have no coping with junk skills.  I choose the treadmill and I totally kicked butt on it.  I mean, like really beat it up, jogged more than I have in months, actually probably years!!!!  And I felt so amazing when I got off the treadmill.  Those endorphins really came through for me.  When I got off, I did end up laying on the couch trying to get my belly to calm down, because I was still feeling a little icky.  After 20 minutes or so I ate a PB and J sandwich on diet bread and an apple. 

Tomorrow, I will beat my treadmill up again, and I have another 1000 sit up goal day since Friday is the 3rd weigh in!!!  I feel a little hesitant about this one with the sadness I have this week and the stress (does anyone else feel like this word is over used a little?  maybe I should change my word to change my attitude....)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What's my Rock Bottom

There's been a lot of questions I've been needing to answer as I watch/read/learn about this process.  This is not simply a process of eat less calories and exercise more for as I've learned over the past couple weeks.  I've been swaying from the subject at hand and I'm okay with that.  And I've been trying to keep this as lighthearted as possible, so forgive me if from time to time I get a little sappy. 

One of the questions that loom is "have I hit rock bottom and if I have what is it"?  So, I think about it.  There's has honestly been a few.  The first starting on my 30th birthday last year.  I thought I looked cute going out, but when the pictures came back I didn't want to look at any of them that were taken below the neck.  Then, the second, would be when I realized I didn't even like the pictures of the neck up.  Not because I think I'm ugly but because of the roundness of my face.  Then, to get on the scale, which I always did from time to time anyway, and realize my "highest" weight previously was a number I'd be glad to be at (and push past)...ouch!  And when that happened, I ate.

Another question is "why am I losing weight"?  This seems pretty important.  I mean, of course I'm losing weight to look better and feel better, but there's got to be more reason than that.  There's all the other obvious reasons, like to be a better wife and mom.  But here's the deal, I can't leave my kids when they are young, before they have kids of their own!  It is insanely hard to be a motherless mom, and I don't ever want my two kids to not have me there to support them in any way possible.  To take the babies that wont' sleep, to watch the babies so they can work, to give them nights to go out, mornings to sleep in.  Also, I want to lose weight because I have no self confidence to do some things that I want to do, or the lung capacity.  I want to run a marathon!  I want to sing a song in front of people while playing my guitar.   I want to go outside and play hard with my kids and not want to find a lawn chair to sit down in.  I want to shop in a real store, not just a department store.  And I want to do the splits and a back bend again...just because I can, and if that doesn't happen, that's okay too.  Oh, and I want to say "I'm awesome" or all those silly little things I say about myself and actually feel it inside and mean it.  Cause I talk a good talk...

Luckily I had this post saved, because I got nothing today.  I did the treadmill and did great intervals for myself, 3 minute walk, 7 minute jog, that's good for me!  And I did a 30 minute "Weight Loss Workout" recorded from Fit TV.  I can tell you that I did NOT and I mean did NOT want to do the second work out.  It was a rough push but I did it.

I'm dying for some pizza, carbs really.  We had whole wheat pasta last night, but I think pizza with cheesy bread sounds amazing, Pizza Pro is calling my name!!  It's not shocking to me, as the week draws closer to the 21st the food cravings are becoming harder and harder to ignore. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dr Oz

What was on Dr. Oz is in highlighted and italicized..
5 warning signs of food addictions:
1. Hiding food in your car, your home or your office.  I didn't have to hide food, I'd buy stuff for "the kids" and eat that.  But I'd hide eatingIt's a sign it's getting out of controlWords that come up a lot: Shame, Worthlessness, I don't matter anymore.  I'm pretty sure I used all of those words in the first few of my blog entries.  I'd just wait for my husband to walk out of the room or go to bed so I could sneak something.  And if he "caught me", I'd try to act like it wasn't a big deal, but deep inside I was so embarrassed.  And I always thought he was judging me, he was absolutely not judging me.  My husband loves me beyond my comprehension, anyone that can put up with my "little bit of crazies" should be ordained a saint.  But when you're in the moment, when you're feeling so ashamed, so consumed, so out of control, any other person you can blame it on, makes it so much easier.
2. You think about food for more than an hour a day.  Um, I think about food probably 10 hours a day.  One of the girls they were interviewing said: "It's a diversion to what I don't want to think about."  It's easier to think about food than any emotions.  Oh the truth in this statement is so profound.  I don't really think I ever put those two together.  It is so much easier to wallow in the thought of food, than to wallow in the thought of annoyance, sadness, anger or whatever the moment is.  Also, a friend of mine pointed out that even after she had quit smoking for a long time she wanted that "after dinner cigarette" so she always would eat something sweet, and now just allows herself one piece of chocolate, like one Hershey Kiss or one small piece of whatever.  This made an unbelievable amount of sense to me.  I never related that the "snack" especially the sweet snack I wanted after dinner was directly connected to my after dinner smoke I had for so many years and haven't had since the Tuesday after the Mother's Day of the year my mom died!  Just knowing that was so great for me.
3. You eat after arguing with a spouse or a friend.  One of the girls said: "I dont have to think about the fight, the food doesn't criticize or fight back."   Although my husband and I rarely fight, the few times we did I'm pretty sure I went straight to the pantry, of course when he wasn't looking.  I'm also very sensitive, I mean, it's a fault really, if I had a sensitive moment  from what someone said I'd go straight for food. 
4. You experience withdrawal symptons when you're not eating.  The therapist Dr. Oz had on the show, who was at one time a food addict said: "It's an addiction that has beginnings in our childhood".  This is where I'm not sure if it applies to me.  I don't think I felt physical withdrawals, I was also "withdrawing" from my postpartum medication the last week so it could be that.  And, she talked about as a kid our parents would comfort us with food.  Now, my mom was an amazing cook and she had some things from her childhood, some major things, that brought her own food issues.  My mom actually never ate, she'd feed all of us and I don't remember her eating much.  I often remember my dad and my grandpa telling her to put weight on because she was so skinny.  Later in my life as she got some healing in her life she did put on some weight, the perfect amount really.  I don't ever remember anyone in my life saying "oh, you're sad, have a cookie."  I can't really pinpoint if this is related to my childhood.  I was a chubby middle schooler and high schooler, but I'm pretty sure that was from pure laziness to be honest.  I think the real binging came when she died.  The first week I couldn't eat anything but after that, like the lady said earlier, it was easier to think about food then sadness.  Not to mention going to 12 funerals in 6 years (including my mom, I lost my 3 living grandparents among other very important people), 1 tubal pregnancy, 3 miscarriages and some henious crimes against my step children, food was so much easier than dealing...with any of it....
5. You can't stop eating even when you're not hungry.   Before or during the binge you feel "happy" after the binge you feel like a loser and sick. Oh I don't even really think I ever ate when I was hungry.  There were probably many times in my recent past that I never even knew hunger.  I would eat very blindly, sometimes not even realizing I was doing it until I'd eaten 10 cookies, half a box of waffles or 3 bowls of chips.  And then, then the shame was so overbearing, I'd probably eat something else. 

So yeah, in a nutshell, I think I definitely qualify for a food addict.

Dr. Oz also had the following list
3 solutions to overcome food addiction:
1. FLAB: Frustrated, Lonely, Anxious or Bored.  If you feel those, the food is not going to take those feelings away.  IN THAT moment make a list of things you can do instead of eating the food, call a friend, take a walk, etc.   This is something I am definitely going to do and below I will share my list with you. 
2. Journaling.  The emotions you sense with food.  Write down when you're eating and how you feeling.   I think this will also be important for me.  I may do it in this blog, but, ugh, it's opening up so much more of me, and doing this isn't as easy as it may seem.  My family reads this, long time friends, new friends (that probably thought I have it all together) and some of my husband's family reads it, I mean, this is the parts of me people had no idea were there and maybe, didn't even really want to know.  And I'm just not sure they'd want to know my emotions while I was eating a cookie. 
3. Use a Food Log.  Write down what you ate, when you ate it, where you ate it and how you were feeling when you ate it.  Notice the triggers, figure them out.  This seems a little reduntant of #2, but maybe because it's so important?  I guess I shall try it.  Maybe I'm just not understanding.

So here are some things I am going to do instead of FLAB eating (that may be my new word(s) for it). 
1. Read my Bible, I am probably 5 days behind on the "Read The Bible In A Year".  Or read anything really.
2. Read to my kids or just play with my kids in general.
3. Write/Blog (yup, this may become annoying).
4. Exercise.  Whether it's treadmill, a video, or just sit ups.
5. Clean, organize.  You know the stuff I should be doing.
6. Do something for myself, paint toenails, straighten hair, put on make up for no reason at all, etc.
7. Make lists, I really love lists!

And here's a few things I should not do when I'm feeling emotions that will lead to FLAB eating. 
1. Play around mindlessly on the internet.  (I may do this when I'm not eating).
2. Watch mindless television.  (I may also do this when I'm not eating).
3. Go in the kitchen!!!
4. Drive anywhere, because I will stop and get food, even if it's just a donut or candy bar or go as far as getting an actual meal.
5. Go grocery shopping.

So it was eye opening, a very short segment.  Apparently every Monday Dr. Oz tackles some topics in getting healthy in 2011.  Now, I would just like to make a little bit of a disclaimer here.  I don't really watch Dr. Oz on a regular basis, but I often read the information for certain shows and record them if they are pertinent to my life.  And this definitely was that.

Haven't hid my stride yet...

You know how I said I had quit biting my nails?  Well today and yesterday I've caught myself doing it again.  My nails are not stubs, but I can't believe I was so absentminded the last 2 days I didn't even realize I was doing it.

And you also know how when you start feeling good about some things like I had started to feel a little better about my body, even though I've only dropped 6 pounds I just wasn't as jiggly.  Well, so I start feeling better about that and then I get a zit.  Is that like Murphy's Law or something?  And not like a "I can hide you with make up or you're under my eyebrow (why do those hurt so bad?), it's so insanely noticeable.  Oh that darn Murphy!!

Today I watched my son go get a blanket from his room and bring it into the living room to cover up his daddy sleeping in the recliner!  What a sweet little Spirit!  And it reminded me of something when I was a kid.  I have a terrible memory from my childhood, years of brain cell abuse will do that for ya!  Even though I truly believe God will restore my memory to it's fullest.  Anyway, when I was younger, let's say 8 I had to go to bed at 8 or something like that.  Well, my sister is 18 months older than me and got to go to bed 30 minutes after me and we shared a room (until I was 13 or 14).  I remember one night being awaken from sleep with my sister putting a blanket over me, I must have kicked it off.  I often slept either on my stomach with my booty in the air or I'd have to lay on my back with a bunch of pillows propping it up (I had asthma as a kid), but this time I was on my stomach.  I remember it being probably the sweetest thing my sister had done for me, well, at 8 I thought it was the sweetest thing.  From that night forward for a long time I would purposely not cover up and without regard my sister would always cover me up.  To this day my sister covers me, not with blankets, but with comfort!

I realize I've gotten a little off track with the original idea of this blog.  It doesn't mean I'm not fully invested in the weight loss and just being honest about it, but I have so much I want to write and am so glad to finally be doing it, I figured going slightly off course never hurt anyone (okay, it probably hurt some people but this is just a blog..geez).

I did the treadmill for 30 minutes this morning and did intervals.  Longer jogging intervals this time, so I'm happy with that.  And I promise you my body did NOT want to do it, I mean, didn't at all.  I kept picturing Jillian from "The Biggest Loser" screaming at me that if I stopped jogging she'd make me go longer.  Then when I was jogging, I'd picture Bob telling me how great I was doing.  It's really silly, I know, but whatever gets me going.  At this point if I have to picture a gigantic alligator trying to bite my booty to get me to jog I'd do it!  I  I mean, as this week progresses toward the weekend it's getting harder.  I'm not some crazy grieving, I can't handle it person.  I feel like I've done pretty amazing given all the circumstances, but her death is a part of my life and if I can push through this week without binging and without giving up hope on my weight loss you can push through whatever seems to be holding you back. 

I also watched a friend's kids for a few hours this afternoon, which was so fun for my little guy and baby girl seemed to have fun too.  But I even managed to squeeze in a 30 minute Gilad work out while they were playing!  Yay for me.  The sweating on the treadmill this morning felt really good, and I seemed to be in a little bit better of a mood today! 

Dr. Oz had a program on "Food Addiction" today, I'm planning on watching it a little later and probably make some comments on it!  I started the program and took some notes.  Today's entry is long enough, so I'll save it for tomorrow, or another day I don't have enough to talk about.  Just a quick preview, of the 5 warning signs of "Food Addiction" I had at least 4 of them and 5 if I really dug!  Ouch.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Weekend Out

Sundays always seem like great days to take naps, for adults, not so much for my kids!  The plan to wake up early and work out before church was SURPRISE, not accomplished.  It's fine, I still got on the treadmill in the afternoon, during baby girl and daddy's nap.  I did intervals, which is good for me.

My eating was better, I felt better and my jeans don't feel like they are going to rip everytime I sit down.  Even though they are still thin, which means they COULD rip, but it won't be because of my fatness!  I realize 6 pounds isn't really down a pant size or anything, it just fits better, which is so nice.  Now onto the next pair of jeans! 

I'm am so desperate for Spring right now!  Not only because I prefer to jog outside, but also because I'm so ready for garage sales!!  Okay, I'm just ready to see the sun again, my brain is becoming mush!!!

That's all I got for today!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Second, is the first loser

I've really gotta work on titles here, I'm so bad at them!!  I wrote a book when I was 14 and called it "Hook, Line and Sinker".   It's a pretty lame book, as the title so suggests.

I weighed in again this morning, the second I woke up, it says I gained .4 pounds, so...I will not be doing that again.  If I have a bad week, that just means I have a better week next time!!  But my first thoughts are "I'm totally eating fast food today."  But unless it's grilled chicken sandwich, or only 3 tacos, or something similar I will not be doing that.

I did do a 25 minute work our with Gilad, he's awesome.  Wish he was my actually personal trainer!!  And I think I'm going to head over to my dad's house and do some cleaning, and it'll burn calories too!  I feel somewhat better than I did yesterday, however, I'm still not being the best mom I could be and that is mostly what this journey is about...

I did not eat fast food but I didn't make the best food decisions today.  And I only did the 25 minute work out this morning and 100 sit ups.  So I'll definitely have to do better the rest of the week, I'm not discouraged, I refuse to get down on myself.  I refuse to beat myself up on a "not perfect" day. 

I did spend a few hours at my dad's house cleaning this evening.  I took no kids with me and came home to a clean house and bathed children, it was great!  Pretty much exactly what I needed.  My dad wanted me to go through some boxes in the basement, he's constantly trying to get rid of stuff at his house.  Well a lot of the boxes were old keep sakes from when I was a kid!!!!  I want to make sure I'm with my siblings when I go through them but considering this coming Friday will be 7 years since my mom passed, it was really hard not to go through them.  Then, I remember that I was doing this exact same thing 7 years ago.  A few days before she died I was at her house, sitting on the floor, going through a box of keepsakes (not the ones I found today)....  It was hard, it was SO hard not to walk upstairs and pig out on all the yummy snacks that my dad always has at his house.  So hard not to quit doing what I was doing and just eat anything.  So hard not to stop on the way back to my house when I pass 10 fast food places or gas stations and just eat something, especially since I hadn't eaten dinner by this point.  But I didn't.  I just came home and ate.  Not the BEST dinner choice, but oh well.

I will try to get back to being light hearted, but this is going to be a hard week for it!  I do hope that my siblings can get together next Saturday and go through the this.  We usually try to get together around the 21st anyway... 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Infamous week two weigh in....or...

So, it's week two weigh in day.  And I wonder if the theory on "The Biggest Loser" is true.  It's not like I work out like they do, I mean, that's intense.  I sort of wish I had a personal trainer like that everyday for an hour or two, but I don't.  I only have myself, no gym, no trainer, just me, my TV, my treadmill and babies running around my feet as I work out.  So, is it true what they say about week two weigh in and does it apply to us regular folks?  Obviously, as great as a motivation as this show is, it's really hard for any person in the "real world" to lose the amount of weight they are losing at the rate they are losing it.  I sometimes wonder if it sets us up for a little bit of failure.  I know, all the years trying to lose weight, it only takes one week of a bad weigh in, whether it's no weight loss or little weight loss to set a path that only leads back to bad habits.   On the show it's a bad week if they lose anything under 7 pounds, at least to them it is.  In the real world, any weight loss should be celebrated right? 

So, that's where I'm at today, I lost 1 1/2 pounds this week, for a total of 6 pounds in two weeks.  I mean, I should be totally proud right?  But I just feel aggravated.  The 1 1/2 pounds definitely do not display the work or effort I feel like I put in this week.  I sweated more than the first week, I cheated in the food area less than the first week, so I was really thinking no less than 3 pounds this week.  So yeah, even though I should be proud I'm pretty annoyed.  My first thoughts are to just eat whatever I want today, cause I REALLY wanted waffles this morning and I'd really love some McDonald's super sized!  So, right now I'm holding it together, we'll see what the day brings.

I also wonder about stress or emotions.  My emotions basically since Tuesday night have been an utter mess.  As a friend of mine said "my emotions are giving me whiplash today."  And that's how I've felt all week.  It's often talked about what stress can do on your body, especially when you're trying to loss weight, and even if you're not trying to loss weight.  But, right now, it just feels like an excuse to me.  "Oh, my feelings were hurt this week so that's why I only lost 1 1/2 pounds" sounds like utter crap to me!!!  Upon researching it, there is SO much conflicting evidence.  Stress produces cortisol, cortisol slows down the fat burning process, blah blah blah.  Then there's the theory that fat people who get stressed out turn to food and so they probably just ate a bunch when they were stressed out and are not being honest about it.  Especially considering if they are a food addict, as I somewhat identify with, they've been hiding/lying about the food for a long time.  But, I can honestly tell you, that I did not console myself with food at any point in this week.  The 3 Hershey Kisses I ate Tuesday night made me so sick to my stomach so even though I kind of TRIED to, it totally backfired on me.  So, I'll move on, I'll try to get a better hold on my feelings, since I seem to be uber sensitive right now.

I got up early, kind of, to work out.  I've realized that unless I have at least 30 minutes or so to wake up before I start working out, I'm not going to put much effort into it.  I was completely zoned out during Sweatin' to the Oldies and I don't think I could have picked my feet up high enough to jog on the treadmill if I wanted to.   But I'm loving this moment, as baby girl has laid down for her morning nap and I'm not rushing to get on the treadmill.  What a silly situtation I contemplate everyday...

The emotional whiplash has not gotten any better as the day went on.  Since I'm being honest here, and I'm trying to stick to the weight loss topic, I'll just stray for a minute.  After both my kids I suffered from Post Partum Depression.  I cannot afford the medication, it's name brand and well, it's expensive (they do not make a generic and any other one we've tried made me gain time 30 pounds in 30 days...).  My doctor has been awesome about keeping me stocked up, but, alas, I ran out and so did his samples and I'm beginning to think my emotional whiplash may have something to do with this...  My baby girl is almost 10 1/2 months old, so I feel like I should be over this by now, but something is definitely wrong this week and that's the only major change I've had.  So, do I wait another week until it's all worked its way out of my system and see if things balance out if you will?  Or do I make an appointment with my general practioner (my ob is the one who's been helping me with samples) and try to explain the situation and try to get samples from him?  UGH! 

There's always so much more involved in life than just weight loss.  Losing this weight is not going to make my life perfect, I'm not at all oblivious to this.  Because let's be honest, when I do lose the weight, then I have to focus on other problems.  Life is so much easier when I can just blame all my issues on being fat, isn't it?  And when I can just eat the other issues away....

Maybe that's the real issue this week, when I'd get like this in the past I'd just pig out...problem solved... Now that's not an option for me.  Learning new coping skills, I am majorly failing on.  But we'll get there.  My husband has convinced me to weigh in again tomorrow just in case....  So I will.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I did it!

I was a little worried the editor wasn't going to load tonight, but success! 

I did it!  I did 1000 sit ups today!  It was honestly, annoying, but after I was done, I was very proud.  I do them in sets of 50 - 100 and try not to leave anymore than an hour between the sets.  Of course, the day gets busy and I'll often forget.  I did probably 300 before noon then forgot for a couple hours.  My husband did them with me.  I'm going to try to do this more often, even though my abs aren't sore, it does keep my metabolism up and if I get hungry it'll curb that craving for a little bit.

I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill this morning, not as many intervals as the past few days but I still sweat.  And I did a Denise Austin: Cardio Workout.  Also some sweat, which is a good thing.  My food choices were really good.  Even picked up Jack In The Box for the rest of the house and came home and ate a sandwich (on diet bread, with diet cheese) and some left over noodles, not many.  Noodles are not always a great choice, but I was hungry and only ate 1/4 cup to a 1/2 cup.  But after I ate them I remembered I'm weighing in tomorrow and I did not want to eat noodles today.  However, it was for lunch and it wasn't much so I think it'll be fine.

Not only do we hit a emotional time right now, but it's also the beginning of five months of birthdays in our house.  Six birthdays in five months, it's pretty insane.  So, even though I believe all things in moderation, I will probably research cake options, maybe a cupcake with lite whipped cream for frosting?  We'll see.  Plus, since I'm always the cook I can always make options for myself.

The alarm is again set for early, I really need to getup and work out before I weigh in.  So, that means I should probably crash out!!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Naming it

Apparently a weight loss blog is not as original as I had thought.  There's a million of them out there, however, I'm fairly certain mine if the funniest.  Well, maybe the least serious.   There goes all my hopes and dreams of doing my media tour because of my amazing idea!  I guess I'll never meet Matt Lauer or Ellen Degeneres now!!  Plus, "Losing it" is probably the most common name.  Which, I'd just like to let it known that "Losing it" has a double meaning for me (there is a bigger word I wanted to use, but I can barely say it right, so spelling it, is kind of out of the question).  First, losing it, obviously means, losing the weight.  But losing it means other things like...losing my mind, cause that happens sometimes.  It also means losing expectations I've put on myself or other people have placed on me (knowingly or not), it means losing the ideas of how weight loss has to be done, different things work for different people.  Obviously (I can only spell that word if I start from the very beginning...just like definitely...weird), calories in versus calories out is true for everyone but other than it how you do it!  Anyway, so I'm actively seeking a new name for my blog.

Well, the exhaustion is unreal today!  I took step son to school and had to wait there 45 minutes to get their bags checked by the police, since it's a school sponsored event they had to be pre-checked before leaving for the airport.  Got home, and even though I was tired, I forced myself on the treadmill for 25 minutes.  Right now, the goal on the treamill is 2 miles in 30 minutes, which is huge for me.  I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm doing better!  Then I came into the living room, read my daily Bible, then was going to work out with good ole Gilad, but we're doing stuff with our satellite, and even though they still hadn't turned it off last night at 1, it was turned off this morning at 6/6:30.  I knew only getting less than 4 hours of sleep and pushing another workout probably was going to exhaust my body beyond good, so I instead decided to really try for the 1000 sit ups today.    Oh, my current treadmill movie is Hitch.  Everytime I watch Eva Mendez get kicked in the face while on the waverunner I crack up!!  It's honestly hilarious! 

Tonight is church, so it'll be interesting if I can stay awake long enough after we get back to publish this post, I'm sure I can.  I actually "stole" (it's not really stealing...we're married) one of my husbands "Sugar Free Monsters".  I tried coffee, I really wish I liked coffee, but I just like the way it smells, not tastes.

At the end of the night I've done a total of 700 sit ups today.  I can't even believe I'm up right now.  I do know that despite that I was exhausted, it felt amazing to have my work out done first thing in the morning.  During nap time I cleaned out the linen closet and washed some of the bedding, okay not as productive as I could have been, but it was definitely nice not having to worry about jumping on a work out the second baby girl laid down.  So, alarm is set for tomorrow, we shall see if I can roll out of bed.  Pretty sure husband won't be a fan of me waking him up to get on the treadmill in our room, but he's very supportive so he won't put up too much of a fuss!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Now sizzle..

I'm not feeling especially "light hearted" today, so if I get all "heavy hearted" I will just stop writing, makes perfect sense to me.

This morning, I got on the treadmill pretty early.  I did have my alarm set for super early but just couldn't do it.  I will, one day, I know it.  Tomorrow I actually have to make sure my step son is up by 4:40am (I don't normally check, but it's super early and he has to catch a plane, so yeah).  I've considered offering to run him up to school (they are carpooling to the airport from there) so then I'd be forced to be up and then I'd work out when I get back.  That's kind of my plan...right now...maybe not at 4:40am.  Especially considering if I went to bed at this moment I'd only get about 5 1/2 hours of sleep, and I'm not going to bed at this moment.

I also worked out to "Sweatin' to the Oldies 2" today.  It's harder than the first one.  Which was apparently Richard Simmons intention.  During my work out, I cocked a play gun for my son probably 15 times, changed my daughters poopy diaper, got my son a glass of apple juice and a cookie, got my daughter up from her nap (she never slept, just screamed), and held her for at least 10 minutes of the first part of the work out.  That makes it hard to work out...for sure...but I pressed on and finished it out and I'm glad I did.  I did not try for the 1000 sit ups today, Richard (we're on a first name basis now) made me do 48, so, like 2% (I don't do math, I married a genius, so don't hate if I'm totally off) of what I was supposed to do, that's good...right?  Right!

I spent most of the evening after dinner scanning old pictures from my dad's house.  I could do this forever.  I was in a bit of a funk, and this was the easiest way not to affect everyone in the house, focus on something else. And speaking of my dad's house, I desperately need to get over there, my Christmas present to him this year was coming over once a month and cleaning.  He keeps a decently clean house, but there's just certain things that boys don't think of, and that's fine.  Plus I used to go once a month for probably 3 years and clean and I haven't for quite a while.  It'll be quite a work out, so I'm kind of eager to go take care of it.

I also spent a good chunk of time organizing "my favorites".  And it's just re-convinced me that not everything in life falls into a nice little category.  I'm having a hard time getting all my links combined into just a few folders. 

Well, I've done it, I'm officially leaving here at 5:10am to take my step son up to school in the morning.  He just got home from work and I offered, he accepted, plus, his car doesn't need to sit at school for the next 5 days anyway.  Hopefully I don't pass out in the car, in the garage when I get back!  I will count this as a blessing to get my morning off to a right start.  Plus, if I treadmill and do another work out first thing, imagine the time I'll have during nap times to do all the other things I love doing, like organizing my favorites or pictures!  Or playing my guitar; figured out the other day I know four chords, not just three, and it's been a long time since I've played it, so I'm pretty impressed with myself.   And I could still play the song "Heart of Worship" **high five**.

Okay, Okay I get it!!  Geez.  I just ate a few Hershey Kisses (with Almonds) and now I feel icky.  I've learned my lesson, since it's twice now I've done it.  When I'm eating basically veggie, chicken and fish, and some low calorie frozen entrees, apparently sugar is not a friend of mine.  Now that I've tried it twice and have gotten the same results, I can officially scratch late night sugar snack, no matter how small it is, off my list!  Which, is a good thing, because it's not like I really need it anyway, I seriously thought 2 wouldn't bother me...geez!

Monday, January 10, 2011

This is so embarassing

Well, it's only going to be embarrassing if I actually tell you the name of the movie I'm about to talk about!

I was up late last night watching some movies I had recorded from the free Showtime weekend we had.  One of the movies was made in 2002, which was probably the year I was at my best.  The movie about some girls going on a road trip to basically get some answers in their life made me start thinking about myself in 2002.  Whether or not I was thin, which I was, it was pretty awesome, the year was so great.  I actually went on a road trip with my best girl friend and my best guy friend and in the weirdest sort of way had some things answered within my Spirit.  "It's gonna rain, man" is probably the sentence that stuck with me the most from that weekend almost 9 years ago, I interpreted it as "It's gonna reign, man" and often quote that when things aren't looking so great in different areas of my life.  Not only did I have this awesome road trip and I was the thinnest (probably not the healthiest), I was the most myself.  I, also, met my now husband in the fall of that year.  So the movie, just being made in 2002, gave me some motivation. 

But, in this movie, the main character wears a few shirts that bare her stomach and well, I remembered this interview I saw of her some years ago and she talked about doing 1000 sit ups/crunches a day (she even demonstrated some of them on the show) and she did 3 miles of cardio (I can't remember if she said she jogged or what, but I definitely remember the 3 miles a day thing).  She's also a dancer, so I'm well aware that she probably spends a lot of her time in a studio somewhere dancing, but vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms is like dancing...right?  Anyway, I went to bed last night unbelievably motivated to get on the ball today.  I set the alarm for 6am, even though I went to bed super late, I can always nap later.  Baby girl woke up at 5:58, (how do they know???) so I reset the alarm for 6:30 and apparently turned it off instead of resetting it, when I really should have just stayed up and started working out.  I wasn't mad when I woke up, not entirely.  I really want to do this and exercise in the morning so I can use nap time to do other things, like re-learn the guitar and other wifey/mommy duties or naps. But I did start the 1000 crunches a day, and I did real push ups today, no girlie push ups!!  At the end of the night I have done only 300 of the 1000 sit ups I intended to do, it's a lot harder than it sounds...

After I woke up somewhat disappointed, not mad or anything, I was making the kiddos waffles and well, I love waffles, I mean really love them and I had a few last week but I knew if I had waffles this morning it would just not start the week off like I want.  Mondays are generally hard for me and starting off with waffles would just not set the right tone for the day, so I did not choose waffles.

As soon as baby girl laid down for her nap I got on the treadmill.  I have been doing a TV work out first in the morning, then doing the treadmill in the afternoon and I'm pretty lazy on the treadmill.  So this morning I decided to get on the treadmill for the morning work out.  I was still somewhat motivated from the movie I watched the night before.  I can't exactly pinpoint what motivated me from the movie, but rekindling some lost friendships, really working toward some goals/dreams I have for myself and being free to be myself, something about it just inspired me and honestly I'll take any inspiration at this point!  So I kicked my own butt on the treadmill and it felt amazing.  I did interval jogging and at the end I was sweating a lot, which is what I like.  I had just finished eating lunch when the UPS guy stopped and handed me an amazing package.  A friend of mine had sent me "Sweatin' to the Oldies" 20th anniversary edition on DVD!  How amazingly sweet is that??  So, for the afternoon I worked out to the first DVD.

We had to do that in grade school for PE sometimes.  I went to a private grade school so our PE teachers were either volunteers or our own teacher.  Well, my mom was the PE teacher for a while and I know she had us work out to these, and my 8th grade teacher did also.  Now, I truly know why I hated exercise as a kid. Now, it's hilarious and I love it!  At 11 - 13 it was horrible, songs we probably hated at that age and moves that were silly.  Now, again, so excited to have these and use them.  I will definitely write more about them soon, as Richard Simmons is insanely hilarious.  He actually says in one interview that he wants to be our jester, he sees us as a king or queen and wants to be our court jester.  So he totally doesn't mind that I am laughing at him.  The clothes were awesome, stone washed jeans and this one dude had on a bommer (I have no idea how to spell that) jacket..yesssss!!! 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I have a confession to make

I have a confession to make, last night, the craving for sweets was unreal, so I grabbed a few cookies and they were quite yummy.    I'm not ashamed of what I did by any means, it's in my full right to have a few cookies.  Here's the weird thing, and I always thought this was such a sham when I heard people say this but it's so true.  I was sick to my stomach after I ate them.  I had to lay down on the couch and I pretty much just laid there because I was so queasy.  Funny thing, I want cookies again but I'm not gonna eat them.  I have carrots right now, I'm kind of craving good stuff right now...weird.  I hope this is a step in the right direction.

I did not work out today, I have worked out everyday for the past 2 weeks, so I gave myself the day off.  I really want to be getting up early to do this but, like I've said a million times, I love the late night quiet time. 

I'm coming upon a really hard time of year for myself.  The anniversary of a lot of deaths hit this month.  It's commonly my binge month, but I am going to find new ways to cope.  Pretty much exactly like a drug addict, coping skills....  I'm hoping my favorite coping skill will be exercise (a girl can dream right?)!

I'm very grateful for all the people who have let me know that they are struggling with this also.  So many people I never would have thought had issues in this area are telling me that they are going through the same things. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Day after the weigh in

I am pretty self notorious for binging the day after a weigh in, especially a good weigh in.  But I did not do that today, and let me tell you, it was rough, especially since I came in pretty low in my calorie count!  I really can't thank this blog (lol@ me thanking an inanimate object) for causing me accountability and giving me a much needed creative outlet and therapy of sorts. 

Last night I didn't have my evening snack and left late to go visit a friend of mine and run a few errands.  I was kind of hungry and even considered picking up something while I was out but didn't.  I checked a bag of "fruit snacks" because they claim on the front "fat free" um....they are not calorie free, which is my biggest concern right now.  They sounded super yummy and even though it was 10pm I could have eaten them, but I made the choice not to.  Came home late, still wanting a snack but went to bed anyway.  And woke up definitely wanting a big breakfast, but again chose not to.  And chose to get on the treadmill before noon and this time I for real jogged some!!  I even did intervals for a while, jogging a 6mph, which, is insanely fast for me and my short legs.

So, here's my funny story.  Sometime in the fall (maybe late summer, I'm not sure) I was going for a walk/jog around my subdivision.  I usually go down my road and past our lake, I would pay extra HOA fees to have a path all the way around the lake, but alas, there's not.   Anyway, I jogged down the road, turned around and headed back.  I was coming up on an older gentleman (had to be in his late 70's...) and he was outside shoveling sand into his ditch probably to help with the water drainage issue.  Yes, you heard me right.  I took out my ear bud to say 'hi', since I don't really know my neighbors (that's sad) I usually try to say hi and look for an opportunity to talk to them.  He said to me and I quote "Nice day for a slow walk."  I just nodded ("Ummm...hellooo...I'm jogging, not slow walking.")  And then he asks "Do you try to slow walk everyday?"  ("Is this really happening?  I'd like to see you jog...geez.") So I reply "Yeah, I try to jog pretty much everyday."  Totally emphasizing the jog.  And he says, "It's good for ya.  Well, have a good slow walk."  ("That did not just happen!!  This old man was either totally making fun of me and my pathetic jog...yes, I'm a slow jogger, I'm totally aware of this...but I was definitely jogging, walking with a hop!  OR he was blind, I mean that's possible right?")  So, I just kept jogging until he couldn't see me anymore and then I walked...slow.  What a butthead!

At lunch today I had a frozen Michelina's meal.  I realize that most nutrionist and trainers would really encourage not eating processed foods and eating as much fresh produce and possible, but when you're a single income with seven people in your house and you only grocery shop once a month it's really hard to work out.  So I work with what I've got.  Which I think is so important when people are trying to make changes in their lives.  I mean, say you're trying to pay off your bills faster, of course it would be ideal to pay an extra $100/month toward a credit card, but if you only have an extra $20/month that's something, that's great!  Or if one month you blow a tire and have to replace it and you can only put $10/month for that month, do whatever is best for you!  Do whatever you can work with!  You don't have to do what the "experts" suggest or what everyone else has done, just work with what you got!

I only did the one work out today, I'm not really sure where the time went today.  I guess after the treadmill it just wasn't a priority and it needs to be.  As I said earlier I came in pretty low in my calorie count today, I don't have a specific number that I try to hit, but I try to have a general idea of the amount I'm eating.  As I've said a million times, it's all about making different choices.

Friday, January 7, 2011

I'm opstomistic (HA!)

(Yes I know the title makes no sense!)

So, I did it.  We had a crazy night glast night oing out and doing shopping so everyone's schedule was a little off.  Baby girl woke up at 7:30, but decided to go back to bed by 8:30.  So, even though I had set my alarm for 6am and totally ignored it (yes, I'm going to keep setting it and eventually I'll get sick of turning it off and actually get least that's the plan).

After she laid down I did a "Dance and Be Fit" Sexy Sculpt: Abs Burn.  It did not burn my abs, but I'm not so sure I was doing it right.  I mean, I am an awesome dancer, but it's a lot harder to move your hips when there's jiggliness surrounding them.   And a lot harder to "engage your core" when I'm trying to learn dance moves too.  So, these "Dance and Be Fit"s are good for getting my heart rate up, which is important, but I'm not so sure they help with the sweating, which I need.  Feels good to sweat!

Then I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes!  Why I didn't push myself harder I do not know.  I did jog for a good 2 minutes, a few times, okay twice, okay once...geez quit being so questiony....and well, it was definitely a slow jog.  Then I decided to get on the scale and I'll be completely honest, I got on the scale yesterday...afternoon..bad idea.  We had made kind of a last minute decision to start our grocery shopping and I knew we'd go out to eat.  Even though I was planning on being well behaved with my food choices (and I was) I got on the scale because I was worried eating late or eating out at all would mess things up.  I had already eaten breakfast at this point yesterday and obviously consumed liquid so when I got on the scale I was pretty disappointed with a 2 pound weight loss.  I tried to just remind myself any weight loss is good and move on.  But it bugged me all night.  Plus we were grocery shopping, I was starving and I didn't have a good day on the scale and I honestly wanted to just buy a bunch of junk, go home and eat it!  But I didn't!

After the treadmill this morning I got on the scale and I was pretty sure it would be the same result as the afternoon before.  It wasn't!!!!  I lost 4.4 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY for me :)  It was definitely exciting.  I was hoping for a good 6 pound week, being my first week but I look back and know I could have pushed harder with the workouts and I could have chosen not to eat the waffles and maybe had a bigger number but I'm totally proud of my 4.4 pounds!!  It gives me motivation to move on this week, to sweat a little more and continue with the good food choices.

On the episode I watched last night on "I Used To Be Fat" I was first extremely annoyed with the girl.  She had such an opportunity with a trainer and no responsiblities...take it and run sister!!!  But she grew on me as the show continued.  At the end of the show, the joy in her eyes, the joy in her voice, the way she carried herself...I want that feeling!  I can't wait for that feeling!

I have a really great story planned for tomorrow!  YAY for me and my 4.4 pounds, so proud, so ready for next week!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm hungry and grocery shoppping.

I didn't make my countdown calendar today, I really need to get on top of that.  The ones on the show I'm watching is huge, I want a huge one too!  But I'll settle for a normal sized one.  Tomorrow I shall make my calendar.  I'm excited.  Maybe I'll even color it, probably not but it's a good idea.

I kind of wish I could voice blog.  Because I hope people can understand how I sound in my head when I write this.

I did one work out today, yes, I know I said I was going to push today but I did that work out really hard I promise!  I feel a little refunked today, even though I was defunked last night.  Every step is a step in the right direction right now.

Today I ate really well.   I need to make sure I'm up early enough tomorrow to work out before we have to do more errands.  Tonight we did a bunch of our grocery shopping, we do shopping for a month at a time.  It was really hard being as hungry as I was and having to grocery shop and then to go out to eat and buy a salad (dressing on the side).  Totally proud of myself.  I have to weigh in tomorrow and I'm really freaking out about it.  So that's why I want to make sure I'm up to work out first. 

Which means, I need to sleep.  This is not my best entry, sorry about that!

Yesterday's Post, My blog editor wouldn't load...

So, I had waffles for breakfast, I’m okay with it.  A week ago I would have had probably eaten almost half a box and if you think I’m being sarcastic you’re wrong.  But I did NOT have half a box today, so yay me!  I will not be having waffles all the time, that’s for sure.  About an hour after I had them I was hungry again. 
I was sort of in a funk today; I couldn’t find a workout I wanted to do.  If I had been given the chance to jog outside (my favorite) I probably wouldn’t have even taken it!  So, when all else fails, I choose the treadmill.  And, I despise the treadmill.  It’s like being in a traffic jam, sweating the entire time, oh and having a three year old hanging onto the wheel.  I’ve often told people that I’d rather cut off my left leg than use the treadmill, it’s pretty true.  But I walked for about 25 minutes, watching Legally Blonde.  Maybe I need to find a new movie to watch, I do love Legally Blonde (I’m pretty sure any DVD in pink plastic is probably an amazing movie).  But it’s just not doing it for me on the treadmill.  I’ll try again though.   So I hate the treadmill basically because it’s dumb, but I love it because I know that’s where I’ll get the best results right now.
 Later in the day, because I was still in a funk I decided to work out again.  A 30 minute work out to “Shape Up with Sharon Mann” low impact/Pilates.  She's kind of starting to get on my nerves, but it might be because I was in a funk today.  Her work outs are good and she does a variety of stuff, so I’m sure I’ll use her again.  Plus, since FitTV is only doing 3 hours of actual fitness in the mornings, I don’t have much to choose from anymore. 
My food choices were fine today, nothing to be excited about it, but nothing to be disappointed in.  I did have 3 Hershey kisses a few minutes ago.  I was NOT going to admit that but isn’t this all about being as raw as possible?  But I’m not ashamed of my Hershey kisses.  Again, a week ago I would have probably had 10 of them, if not more.  On Wednesday nights we have to leave for church at 4:45 and don’t get back until about 9, so I had to eat dinner before church tonight.  A week ago I would have eaten a dinner, a BIG dinner, sometimes even just went and got fast food at 9 or 9:30, depending on when I got the kiddos to bed. 
MTV started a new series “I Used To Be Fat”, I’m watching it for the first time.  I’m not really sure how many episodes they are doing but I know of 3 for sure.  I’m loving it right now.  And I love the thought of a countdown calendar, so I think I’m going to make one that counts down until my birthday.  I mean I did it on my 22nd birthday because we went to Beale Street Music Festival and I was so excited.  And this time I’m so excited because I will finally have myself back.  I will have that free spirit, spontaneous, fun loving girl I had at 22/23.  So yup, a countdown calendar it is!!
And tomorrow I push.  I actually am going to weigh in on Friday, so I need to push a little tomorrow.  Every day I say I’m going to push tomorrow, but it’s time to start some new changes.  I’ve been doing okay in some areas, and better in other areas but it’s time to start doing great in all areas.  It was really nice to hear on this show that at about 2 weeks this girl got into her stride and everything started to get a little bit easier.  There were still moments of frustration, but she felt stronger in all the areas involved in losing weight.
Sometimes it just takes a great night of praise and worship to get my mind back to where it needs to be.  Tonight we sang, “Freedom” and I just kept thinking about the freedom from food. It almost seems like it’s become my god.  Ugh, I didn’t even want to write that, it sounds so….disgusting.  But I thought about food way more than I thought on God.  I meditated on food more than I mediated on the Word.  My inner voice, the Holy Spirit, would prompt me not to eat stuff and I’d just put it in my mouth.   I was being deliberating disobedient, what a bad place to be.   So, I felt all that lifted tonight.  I felt refreshed on a day I felt in a funk!  So grateful for a church with amazing praise and worship and a Pastor completely open to the move of the Holy Spirit!  And most grateful for mercy and grace!!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Do almonds go bad?

I had my alarm set for 5:30 am, I was motivated, ready, I knew I was going to get up early to get my work outs done so I could do other stuff today.  At 5:28am my 3 year old son crawled into bed with us and so, I cuddled instead.  It's fine, I'll try again another day.  It was the first night I went to bed early enough to even consider the 5:30am wake up call.  We all should know by now that sleep is also very essential to losing weight and well, just not being a crazy person. 

My first workout was the tried and true "Total Body Sculpt" with Gilad.  I did one of his hour long work outs, I've been making sure to record them and save them so when I need a little bit of a longer work out I have one of those handy.  They are really only about 45 minutes after commercials (I've never timed it, but that seems about right).  I do sweat so that's important.  Most of the 45 minutes I had one child or another either crawling on me, standing at my feet, or needing something that I'd have to run and take care of in the middle of a squat.  But I never gave up, I always paused it and went right back to what I was doing.  I know, as a mom, how hard it is to workout, how frustrating it is, to fit it in during naps, or before they wake up, or after they go to bed.  How infuriating it can be to do push ups and have a 3 year old jumping on your back telling you "giddie up horsie" and a 10 month old grabbing onto your hair trying to stand up.  But it's pushing through!

Since the first workout was a little clustered, I took a walk outside this afternoon.  An outside work out is so good for my soul.  I turned on my Ipod and just walked, to our lake, around the corner and back.  It was freezing cold, but it didn't matter, it's what I needed.

I made good food choices today, but even though I thought that it would get easier, it is not.  It was rough today not just grabbing food whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted, in whatever quantity I wanted it.  I kept reminding myself that I get to eat again, that it's not like I can't eat cookies forever, it's just that I'm not eating them right now.  I did decide to have some yogurt tonight for my evening snack and I thought "hmm, I have almonds, I will put a few in the yogurt...yummmmmyyy."  Well, apparently almonds go bad, b/c they were disgusting, but I ate them...I'm not really sure why I just didn't pick them out of the yogurt, but I didn't.  Funny what you'll eat when you are trying not to be a pig.

The Biggest Loser started another season tonight, I will admit something, scary.... I weigh the same as at least one of the girls on there....yup.. that's my gut wrenching bravery for today.  I'm not discouraged by that information, it's only motivation to say that it can be done without the show, without a personal trainer, without access to the perfect "diet" food.  That I can be just as honest, just as raw, just as motivated and just as permanent. 

There's a lot of emotion in the month of January.  The death-iversaries of important people in my life and the MOST important person, my mom.  I have always dedicated that day to binge-ing.  Okay, I've dedicated pretty much the entire month to it.  But my story is just a story, it's no worse than anyone else's.  Pain is the same, only the stories are different and how you take care of the scar.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Somebody does NOT have a case of the Mondays!

As I said yesterday I was sure Monday was going to be the hardest day.  I'm so glad I realized while writing yesterday that Monday is NEVER a good day (for me) to start a new routine/diet.  So glad I started this on Saturday, even though everything in my mind and body was screaming to start Monday and binge out this last weekend.  So so so glad I chose the better choice.  I guess telling my 3 year old a hundred times a day to make a good choice will eventually pay off for him too.

My first workout was "Dance and be Fit: Old School Hip Hop" (yessssssssssss).  It was super fun and no voiceovers...hurray!  The girl Sarah Moore (maybe, I'm not 100% sure, I should write this stuff down) was really cute and had a great smile and attitude.  I was definitely hot, but again, not dripping sweat and I'd really like to get to dripping sweat at least once a day.   And I really needed it to energize me, as I'm exhausted from last night, it really didnt' energize me, but I'm not falling asleep on the couch anymore.  I would also like to comment that I think dancers have amazing bodies, dancers and professional soccer players, those are my two favorites.  (Yes, you did not need to know that, I realize this.)

So, something else exciting happened today.  I sat down to eat lunch, soup, mmm.  And normally I'd eat soup AND a sandwich (maybe 2, depending on who was watching) or soup AND chips (maybe two bowls depending on who was watching), soup and something.  However, about 4 bites from the end of my soup and half a piece of bread with just peanut butter, I was full!  YAY, day 3 and my stomach is already coming on board with this new change.  Hurray for my stomach!

The second workout was "In Shape with Sharon Mann" and today she did boxing.  I sweated...yippee!!  (Um, is sweated a word or is it just sweat?)  So, I love when the instructors have helpers, because the helpers usually either crack me up or totally motivate me for whatever reason.  Anyway, Sharon Mann had 4 helpers today.  One was cracking me up!!!  She was so spunky (because I do not want to claim she was on crack, I pick spunky).  If we were supposed to hop, she was jumping.  If we were supposed to punch she was hopping and punching, it was awesome.  Okay, it was a little annoying, it's like the doing the electric slide at a wedding and there's always that girl who's practically stripping during it, making it the sex-tric slide (yeah, I went there...what?).  But I liked her and the work out was really good, I'm pretty sure I'd be amazing at kickboxing.  However, not competitive because even though I'd like to punch another person in the face, I do not want to get punched in the face, I have nice teeth.  So, the second choice was good.  And I'll probably record more of her.  I have another one recorded, pilates but I'm not such a great balancer these days.

I made good food choices, as indicated above.  Actually counted out 20 preztels for my evening snack, when I swore I'd never count out food, I totally did.  Now, I don't really count my calories, but I am vaguely aware of what I have going on.  Again, just sticking with the better choices here.

So, after my second work out Dr. Phil happened to be on when I stopped the DVR'ed program (not a verb) and I hear something about 'my wife is fat, I want her to lose weight, I'm embarrassed to go out in public with her..blah blah blah".  So, I recorded it.  And now I'm watching it, and he's the guy I'd like to kickbox.  She gained a lot of weight in the first 4 years of their marriage, namely 80 pounds during her pregnancy.  She went from a size 2 to a size 22.  Yes, all unhealthy, I'm sure she's very aware that she's unhealthy.  But he decides to SHAME her into losing the weight by calling her names, making fun of her, etc. etc.  Are you kidding me?   That's like wanting your kid to do his homework and telling him he's too stupid to get a good grade anyway.   Let me explain something about fat people, we do not want to talk to ANYONE about our fatness unless we bring it up first.  And we do not want you to say anything, just nod your head, smile, say "tell me what to do to support you and I'll do it."  Don't make suggestions, unless solicited, don't show me articles about people losing weight, don't even comment about your Cousin LuLu who gained a few pounds since the last time you saw her.  We are 100% 24/7 aware that we are fat and that we need to lose weight.  If we lose a pound, don't ask us what we weigh now.  We will tell you if we want to.  And if we say to you for 6 years that we want to lose weight, if we cry about it, if we try for a day and don't do it, if we lose 15 pounds (be proud) and then gain it back, just continue to say you'll support us in whatever decision we make.  If we decide to stay fat, you love us, if we decide to lose weight you love us.  I have always had the support, it wasn't anyone but myself that held me back the last many years.  I know this, I verbalized this and now I'm fixing this.  I do realize that this is exactly how an addict feels, funny how fatness and addiction shadow each other a little....

With that being said.  There is something so liberating in the therapy of this blog.  I never in a million years would have thought THIS is what I'd be eventually blogging about (yes, because for a million years I've been thinking about it...).  I always thought I'd blog about the funny (ok, hilarious) stories I tell, or I'd blog about being in a blended family (yeah, I'm not expert on that, that's for sure), or I'd blog about all the letters I want to write to people before I die (not morbid...I swear, just words I need to say).  If anyone other than myself would have suggested it as a joke to my friend I never would have even considered it.  Yup, totally said it as a joke.  Then, to write it and share it was a whole new thing to me.  I thought I'd write it, maybe share it with a few close friends, never just ...share it with whomever! (whoever..?)

That's today!