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Saturday, May 12, 2012

Run Way Walk and Skinny Clothes

I hesitate posting about losing weight again.  Why?  Well, because even though I didn't FAIL last time, I can seriously under quota.  If it was a job, I would have fired myself.  It may seem all fun and games and like I'm all open and what not, but it's nerve wracking putting myself out there like this and letting it all hang out...literally...sometimes. 

It all starts the same, I feel motivated and even happy about getting healthy, I'm excited, I dream about how my life will be when I'm all thin and amazing.  Well, the truth is, outside of wearing smaller clothes, feeling more confident and spending less money on groceries, my actual life will pretty much be the same.  I will still feel crazy some days with my children, I will still have the same amazing husband, I will still probably have those 5 annoying hairs that keep popping up on my chin and yup, I will still wear my hair in a pony tail pretty much every day (much to the dismay of my husband). 

So, about a month ago, I decided it was time to give up the diet soda, basically give up aspartame in general.  I've known for years it was terrible for me, I mean TERRIBLE for me, google it (I wouldn't normally tell anyone to google things because it can be scary and misleading but look it up, or better yet, ask your doctor or a nutritionist).  So, what do most junkies do when they are giving up something?  They binge, and that's what I did, yup, my husband even sort of called me out on it.  I drank all the diet dr pepper in the house and even went and bought a few diet pepsi.  My thoughts, I will end on May 1st, this will be my birthday present to myself, the best gift I could give myself.  I started to prep myself for this, encouraging myself, telling myself how amazing I'm going to feel, speaking to my body, putting out positive words for myself.  Well, I ran out of diet soda before May 1st.  At first, I thought, "OMG, I'm going to get another 12 pack, I DESERVE this before I officially give it up."  WRONG, what my body deserves is health, period, point blank.  I mean, I have to be realistic and take all of this one step at a time.  I'm a nursing mom, I can't expect to drop my calories to 1200 a day and not be completely starving, plus it'll drop my milk supply, so that would be pretty stupid.  But what I CAN do is get rid of some crap I'm eating and drinking and go for some walks.

So I went for a walk today, as I've done now a few times. I'm not quite 8 weeks from a c section and tubal ligation (as a note, it hurts WAY worse to get both at the same time, than just one or the other, but of course, it's the smartest thing to do when you are DONE having kids, as I am), so anyway, I still get sore, often.  I don't have pain meds left, I'm honestly afraid my doctor will think I'm a junky if I ask for another prescription (I mean I am a diet soda junky, is that like the gateway drug to prescription pain med addiction?).  I put on my headphones, found my favorites list, which needs some major updating and editing, but I did.  I found angry 90's white boy music and shameful Pop music, my two favorite genres to walk/jog too and it was great.  Then, I did what I always do when I'm walking, I pretending I was practicing my run way walk for when I try out for America's Next Top Model "Old, Overweight and Short-ish" Season.  Sounds plausible.  I haven't quite figured out if anyone outside of my head knows what I'm doing but I pretty much don't care.  Oh and I've never walked in heels, so this season of AMTM would also have to be no heels needed, of course.  The walk felt great, at first, by the end of it I was pretty sore, but I did it, and it's the small things right now.   I went further than normal and decided to "engage my core", that was, obviously, ripped opened just 8 weeks ago, ouch!  I live in a gorgeous subdivision.  I do wish I could walk completely around our lake, but I can't.  But probably the worst thing about it is that so many people let their dogs run wild.  I do like dogs, and maybe one day I will own one, but I do not love strange dogs running at me barking like they are gonna bite my legs off.  Today however, all the dogs were well behaved and I'm beginning to figure out what houses have crazy dogs and which ones just have dogs who lay there. 

I also decided to go through my closet about a week ago, it's been maternity clothes and baggy clothes for a while now, plus each time I go through it I  find more stuff to get rid of, and I LOVE LOVE to declutter, I don't necessarily like cleaning but getting rid of stuff makes me super happy!  So I pull two tubs marked "seasonal clothes" which...should be marked "too small for you".  These clothes range from my skinniest, to clothes that are JUST below when I am now and in my head I feel like I should be in them "any minute".  There's been times when I've looked at my skinny clothes (and not so skinny clothes) and just been sad, but today I was excited to see them, to remind myself of how dang cute they are and tell them that I will see them soon.  So, I asked my husband to pull up my 'skinny' pictures, which he did.  They did not depress me, as they normally do.  I didn't think "oh, I will never see you again" I actually got excited to see where I was headed.  And I reminsced about what I did when I was wearing what outfit and I actually remember thinking did my torso get longer in the last 10 years?  Or did I seriously wear shirts this short?   I kept some of them, I'm not sure why.  Things are in totally different places now...

Here's a disturbing revelation I had: Um, I have NO style or any remote sense of fashion for when I do have to buy new clothes.  I've spend the last 4 1/2 years being a stay at home mom so I rarely wear anything outside of yoga pants and a tshirt and before then my favorite thing to wear was jeans, a tank top and flip flops, that's it (which will still be my favorite thing and probably more than half of the $1000 my husband promised I could spend as a reward to myself will go to that, but I mean beyond that).  So, I've asked my brothers girlfriend to help me out, she is always dressed so great, she has style.  She said we could just go now and get new clothes, I had to let her know, that if we did that she'd quickly find me in the dressing room, crying, in a corner sucking my thumb.  It's the truth.  I have one pair of jeans that are the biggest size I've ever had to buy, it's the only one of two pairs of jeans that fit me, well, any pants beyond yoga pants.  I have NO intention of buying another pair of jeans that size - EVER!

Today, being the day before Mother's Day, I had a couple dollars at Kohl's to spend, so we decided to go.  We had all three kids with us, we had them out all morning going to garage sales, we had already stopped at Target and we still needed to stop at Aldi and did not do so great, but we made it.  So I had on my biggest jeans, and was just planning on getting a shirt or even a pair of shoes, but I found a few pair of jeans on the clearance rack and decided "what the heck" and tried on a pair 2 sizes smaller than what I had on...which I remember getting at Kohl's.  They were stretch jeans and a little long, but to my surprise they fit!  I couldn't even believe it...they are SLIGHTLY snug, but 'second day jeans' are always the best anyway.  (Let me quickly explain 'second day jeans' - well, it's exactly what it says.  The second day you wear a pair of jeans, to me, they are always more comfortable - always, even when I was thin, more comfortable!).  So, anyway.  I decide to go to the Junior's department (I was in misses - I figure I'm 32 now, I should probably stop shopping in the Junior's department - okay - maybe - one day...who knows.).  I pick up a bunch of other jeans on the clearance rack, one number bigger (junior's are odd numbers, misses are even numbers) and I couldn't get them over my booty!  WHAT?!  Stupid clothes.  Luckily, I had already tried on the other pair so I was way less traumatized as I would have been.  I thought, "I'm going home and gonna try on all my clothes this size and the bigger size".  Then I talked myself out of move.  I did try on a dress that I had at home, wasn't pretty but, again, not traumatizing.

I honestly can't be the only woman traumatized when trying on clothes?  Even skinny girls have to go through things when they try on clothes, not all clothes are made for all body types.  I guess, at least they can find sizes that fit at pretty much every store, but I cant' imagine the same thing that looks good on a girl with curves looks as good as a girl without.  Or clothes than look good on girls with long legs (not me) look good on girls with short legs.  So, I'm sure we ALL have moments.  And here's another thing, mens sizes are ALWAYS the same.  When it says 32 in one brand, it's 32 in another brand, it's not a guess, guys can fit in 32's in any brand.  Nope, not girls if it says 10 in one brand, you might have to buy a 12 or 14 in another brand for a pair of jeans or maybe on those good days (as I had today) you can wear an 8 (no, not the size I bought today....I wish)!  I think in the UK all sizes are done how the mens' are here in the US, which I hope means there's no guessing!

The rambling is out of control tonight!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Disappointment and Excuses

I turned 32 on Sunday, so as a gift to myself I was I decided I was going to get healthy.  Okay, I've been "deciding" this for YEARS and haven't gotten far, so I'm not sure why I keep picking these moments that I think will change something in my head.  I'm not sure where the connection between "yes, I'm going to do this" and putting in the hard work fails, miserably.

So, I didn't get a chance to weigh in before I started so I probably won't weigh in tomorrow.  I have another doctors appointment next week and they always weigh me, so I'll just see what happened since the last time I was there and go from there.

Obviously being disappointed in myself I would like to now just get my excuses out of the way, because I have plenty of them.

I just had a baby, not "just" but just.  She's 8 1/2 weeks old.  It was my third c section and I had a tubal ligation (which, if you don't know will make your c/s a million times more painful to recover from...if you want to know what they do for a tubal ligation during a c/s, just ask, but I won't gross everyone out.)  I feel fully recovered in that area, even though I do get sore if I push it, but nothing that I can't handle.  She doesn't have a schedule yet.  She does sleep at least 6 hours straight at night, but goes to bed at different times.  And sometimes she sleeps 8 or 9 hours and sometimes it takes her an hour to go back to sleep after waking up.  Sometimes she'll go back to sleep for another couple hours, sometimes for just an hour or less.  So, it makes it somewhat difficult to get up first thing in the morning, go for a walk and get my breakfast eaten.

I'm nursing, now this doesn't sound like a legitimate excuse, but here's the deal.  First, Josie had thrush, second I got mastitis, and then I gave myself food poisoning.  And through the mastitis I've become insanely sore while nursing, but that's not really an excuse not to lose weight, although it does make me sedentary more than I'd prefer to be.  Nursing can burn up to 500 calories a day, which is positive right?  Well, it also makes me so crazy hungry.

I know it's important when you cut calories to eat slower.  Well, when breakfast, lunch and dinner are eaten with a crying baby, I literally inhale my food.  She's such a great baby, but for whatever reason she knows when I'm eating and wants to wake up and me to hold her.  Or she wants to eat again, so my food is either eaten really fast, or eaten cold and an hour or so after I want to eat it.  Yes, ideally, I'd like to have breakfast by 9, lunch by 12, snack at 3, dinner by 6/6:30 and then a snack around 9.  That NEVER happens, sometimes I don't even eat dinner until 9 and I know how terrible that is. 

Yes, I could have taken the last 30 minutes I sat here writing to do some push ups, or plank (gotta get my back stronger) or cleaning (which burns some calories) or whatever, but do I not deserve anytime to do my own things?  Or, sit the solution, making exercise and preparing good meals my 'own thing'?  Maybe I've just answered my own dilemna.  Plus, Josie's only sort of sleeping in the swing, there's always this thing that I hate getting started on something and then getting interrupted and let's be honest, Josie is not the only kid I have around here.  The other two are still as needy as ever. 

I will say that I have given up aspartame, well, as much of it as I can.  I dont' drink diet soda anymore and I gave up all those Crystal Light type stuff. I drink a lot of water, like pretty much that's it.  I have been drinking two cups of coffee a day, but I somehow broke the coffee pot, so the last two day it's been only water.  I thought this was supposed to make you feel full and keep my energy up and all these things, I've got none of that...none!

I, by no means, regret my decision to have another baby, or to have three babies.  If I have to use the word regret, I'd just say I regret this weight ever coming on me again after I lost it nine or ten years ago.  And when I was losing some of it after I had Isaac and then just for whatever reason giving up and putting it all back on. 

Does anyone know what "THAT" is?  You know the connection that makes it such a strong desire in your head and even in my heart, but I can't pull it out in my daily life?  How I make it my priority?  So, what do I do now?  I'm 100% disappointed in my first week and I have excuses to last for the next 6 months at least....

I thought knowing that I have no clothes that fit me would also be enough to get me moving.  Nope!  I have two pair of pants (other than my lazy pants) that fit.  A pair of 'skinny' jeans (why do they even call them these, they are huge), that I'm about a week or two away from chub-rubbing through and then a pair of jeans, they are not great.  They are too long, they are the biggest size I've ever had to buy in my life, and I have to wear them too high on my waist, ugh, they are stupid.  But those are the only two pants that fit me right now.  And as far as shirts go, they are not awesome either.  Most of them are too small, the ones that do fit dont' look right with the only pants that fit me, so yeah, that SHOULD be enough to get me off my butt, but it's not.  What is that?!?!  ugh!

And I need to be 100% realistic, I have kids around and other people living in the house, so I can't exactly just remove all the tempting things from it.  This is real life, I have to figure out what is going on that I can't seem to get it togther.  I try to motivate myself, read other people's success story, I mean I live with a success story, my husband lost 50 pounds 5+ years ago and has kept it off. 

So, what do I do?  Keep going?  I mean, I'm not really doing anything, there's no "keeping" to laziness, procrastination and eating whatever I want....  I guess the truth is, I won't give up.  And if I want to quit complaining about it, I have to DO something about it...right?  Complaining will get me no where, only hard work, dedication and will power is going to do anything for me.