I hesitate posting about losing weight again. Why? Well, because even though I didn't FAIL last time, I can seriously under quota. If it was a job, I would have fired myself. It may seem all fun and games and like I'm all open and what not, but it's nerve wracking putting myself out there like this and letting it all hang out...literally...sometimes.
It all starts the same, I feel motivated and even happy about getting healthy, I'm excited, I dream about how my life will be when I'm all thin and amazing. Well, the truth is, outside of wearing smaller clothes, feeling more confident and spending less money on groceries, my actual life will pretty much be the same. I will still feel crazy some days with my children, I will still have the same amazing husband, I will still probably have those 5 annoying hairs that keep popping up on my chin and yup, I will still wear my hair in a pony tail pretty much every day (much to the dismay of my husband).
So, about a month ago, I decided it was time to give up the diet soda, basically give up aspartame in general. I've known for years it was terrible for me, I mean TERRIBLE for me, google it (I wouldn't normally tell anyone to google things because it can be scary and misleading but look it up, or better yet, ask your doctor or a nutritionist). So, what do most junkies do when they are giving up something? They binge, and that's what I did, yup, my husband even sort of called me out on it. I drank all the diet dr pepper in the house and even went and bought a few diet pepsi. My thoughts, I will end on May 1st, this will be my birthday present to myself, the best gift I could give myself. I started to prep myself for this, encouraging myself, telling myself how amazing I'm going to feel, speaking to my body, putting out positive words for myself. Well, I ran out of diet soda before May 1st. At first, I thought, "OMG, I'm going to get another 12 pack, I DESERVE this before I officially give it up." WRONG, what my body deserves is health, period, point blank. I mean, I have to be realistic and take all of this one step at a time. I'm a nursing mom, I can't expect to drop my calories to 1200 a day and not be completely starving, plus it'll drop my milk supply, so that would be pretty stupid. But what I CAN do is get rid of some crap I'm eating and drinking and go for some walks.
So I went for a walk today, as I've done now a few times. I'm not quite 8 weeks from a c section and tubal ligation (as a note, it hurts WAY worse to get both at the same time, than just one or the other, but of course, it's the smartest thing to do when you are DONE having kids, as I am), so anyway, I still get sore, often. I don't have pain meds left, I'm honestly afraid my doctor will think I'm a junky if I ask for another prescription (I mean I am a diet soda junky, is that like the gateway drug to prescription pain med addiction?). I put on my headphones, found my favorites list, which needs some major updating and editing, but I did. I found angry 90's white boy music and shameful Pop music, my two favorite genres to walk/jog too and it was great. Then, I did what I always do when I'm walking, I pretending I was practicing my run way walk for when I try out for America's Next Top Model "Old, Overweight and Short-ish" Season. Sounds plausible. I haven't quite figured out if anyone outside of my head knows what I'm doing but I pretty much don't care. Oh and I've never walked in heels, so this season of AMTM would also have to be no heels needed, of course. The walk felt great, at first, by the end of it I was pretty sore, but I did it, and it's the small things right now. I went further than normal and decided to "engage my core", that was, obviously, ripped opened just 8 weeks ago, ouch! I live in a gorgeous subdivision. I do wish I could walk completely around our lake, but I can't. But probably the worst thing about it is that so many people let their dogs run wild. I do like dogs, and maybe one day I will own one, but I do not love strange dogs running at me barking like they are gonna bite my legs off. Today however, all the dogs were well behaved and I'm beginning to figure out what houses have crazy dogs and which ones just have dogs who lay there.
I also decided to go through my closet about a week ago, it's been maternity clothes and baggy clothes for a while now, plus each time I go through it I find more stuff to get rid of, and I LOVE LOVE to declutter, I don't necessarily like cleaning but getting rid of stuff makes me super happy! So I pull two tubs marked "seasonal clothes" which...should be marked "too small for you". These clothes range from my skinniest, to clothes that are JUST below when I am now and in my head I feel like I should be in them "any minute". There's been times when I've looked at my skinny clothes (and not so skinny clothes) and just been sad, but today I was excited to see them, to remind myself of how dang cute they are and tell them that I will see them soon. So, I asked my husband to pull up my 'skinny' pictures, which he did. They did not depress me, as they normally do. I didn't think "oh, I will never see you again" I actually got excited to see where I was headed. And I reminsced about what I did when I was wearing what outfit and I actually remember thinking did my torso get longer in the last 10 years? Or did I seriously wear shirts this short? I kept some of them, I'm not sure why. Things are in totally different places now...
Here's a disturbing revelation I had: Um, I have NO style or any remote sense of fashion for when I do have to buy new clothes. I've spend the last 4 1/2 years being a stay at home mom so I rarely wear anything outside of yoga pants and a tshirt and before then my favorite thing to wear was jeans, a tank top and flip flops, that's it (which will still be my favorite thing and probably more than half of the $1000 my husband promised I could spend as a reward to myself will go to that, but I mean beyond that). So, I've asked my brothers girlfriend to help me out, she is always dressed so great, she has style. She said we could just go now and get new clothes, I had to let her know, that if we did that she'd quickly find me in the dressing room, crying, in a corner sucking my thumb. It's the truth. I have one pair of jeans that are the biggest size I've ever had to buy, it's the only one of two pairs of jeans that fit me, well, any pants beyond yoga pants. I have NO intention of buying another pair of jeans that size - EVER!
Today, being the day before Mother's Day, I had a couple dollars at Kohl's to spend, so we decided to go. We had all three kids with us, we had them out all morning going to garage sales, we had already stopped at Target and we still needed to stop at Aldi and Kroger...so...they did not do so great, but we made it. So I had on my biggest jeans, and was just planning on getting a shirt or even a pair of shoes, but I found a few pair of jeans on the clearance rack and decided "what the heck" and tried on a pair 2 sizes smaller than what I had on...which I remember getting at Kohl's. They were stretch jeans and a little long, but to my surprise they fit! I couldn't even believe it...they are SLIGHTLY snug, but 'second day jeans' are always the best anyway. (Let me quickly explain 'second day jeans' - well, it's exactly what it says. The second day you wear a pair of jeans, to me, they are always more comfortable - always, even when I was thin, more comfortable!). So, anyway. I decide to go to the Junior's department (I was in misses - I figure I'm 32 now, I should probably stop shopping in the Junior's department - okay - maybe - one day...who knows.). I pick up a bunch of other jeans on the clearance rack, one number bigger (junior's are odd numbers, misses are even numbers) and I couldn't get them over my booty! WHAT?! Stupid clothes. Luckily, I had already tried on the other pair so I was way less traumatized as I would have been. I thought, "I'm going home and gonna try on all my clothes this size and the bigger size". Then I talked myself out of it...smart move. I did try on a dress that I had at home, wasn't pretty but, again, not traumatizing.
I honestly can't be the only woman traumatized when trying on clothes? Even skinny girls have to go through things when they try on clothes, not all clothes are made for all body types. I guess, at least they can find sizes that fit at pretty much every store, but I cant' imagine the same thing that looks good on a girl with curves looks as good as a girl without. Or clothes than look good on girls with long legs (not me) look good on girls with short legs. So, I'm sure we ALL have moments. And here's another thing, mens sizes are ALWAYS the same. When it says 32 in one brand, it's 32 in another brand, it's not a guess, guys can fit in 32's in any brand. Nope, not girls if it says 10 in one brand, you might have to buy a 12 or 14 in another brand for a pair of jeans or maybe on those good days (as I had today) you can wear an 8 (no, not the size I bought today....I wish)! I think in the UK all sizes are done how the mens' are here in the US, which I hope means there's no guessing!
The rambling is out of control tonight!