Thursday, May 10, 2012

Disappointment and Excuses

I turned 32 on Sunday, so as a gift to myself I was I decided I was going to get healthy.  Okay, I've been "deciding" this for YEARS and haven't gotten far, so I'm not sure why I keep picking these moments that I think will change something in my head.  I'm not sure where the connection between "yes, I'm going to do this" and putting in the hard work fails, miserably.

So, I didn't get a chance to weigh in before I started so I probably won't weigh in tomorrow.  I have another doctors appointment next week and they always weigh me, so I'll just see what happened since the last time I was there and go from there.

Obviously being disappointed in myself I would like to now just get my excuses out of the way, because I have plenty of them.

I just had a baby, not "just" but just.  She's 8 1/2 weeks old.  It was my third c section and I had a tubal ligation (which, if you don't know will make your c/s a million times more painful to recover from...if you want to know what they do for a tubal ligation during a c/s, just ask, but I won't gross everyone out.)  I feel fully recovered in that area, even though I do get sore if I push it, but nothing that I can't handle.  She doesn't have a schedule yet.  She does sleep at least 6 hours straight at night, but goes to bed at different times.  And sometimes she sleeps 8 or 9 hours and sometimes it takes her an hour to go back to sleep after waking up.  Sometimes she'll go back to sleep for another couple hours, sometimes for just an hour or less.  So, it makes it somewhat difficult to get up first thing in the morning, go for a walk and get my breakfast eaten.

I'm nursing, now this doesn't sound like a legitimate excuse, but here's the deal.  First, Josie had thrush, second I got mastitis, and then I gave myself food poisoning.  And through the mastitis I've become insanely sore while nursing, but that's not really an excuse not to lose weight, although it does make me sedentary more than I'd prefer to be.  Nursing can burn up to 500 calories a day, which is positive right?  Well, it also makes me so crazy hungry.

I know it's important when you cut calories to eat slower.  Well, when breakfast, lunch and dinner are eaten with a crying baby, I literally inhale my food.  She's such a great baby, but for whatever reason she knows when I'm eating and wants to wake up and me to hold her.  Or she wants to eat again, so my food is either eaten really fast, or eaten cold and an hour or so after I want to eat it.  Yes, ideally, I'd like to have breakfast by 9, lunch by 12, snack at 3, dinner by 6/6:30 and then a snack around 9.  That NEVER happens, sometimes I don't even eat dinner until 9 and I know how terrible that is. 

Yes, I could have taken the last 30 minutes I sat here writing to do some push ups, or plank (gotta get my back stronger) or cleaning (which burns some calories) or whatever, but do I not deserve anytime to do my own things?  Or, sit the solution, making exercise and preparing good meals my 'own thing'?  Maybe I've just answered my own dilemna.  Plus, Josie's only sort of sleeping in the swing, there's always this thing that I hate getting started on something and then getting interrupted and let's be honest, Josie is not the only kid I have around here.  The other two are still as needy as ever. 

I will say that I have given up aspartame, well, as much of it as I can.  I dont' drink diet soda anymore and I gave up all those Crystal Light type stuff. I drink a lot of water, like pretty much that's it.  I have been drinking two cups of coffee a day, but I somehow broke the coffee pot, so the last two day it's been only water.  I thought this was supposed to make you feel full and keep my energy up and all these things, I've got none of that...none!

I, by no means, regret my decision to have another baby, or to have three babies.  If I have to use the word regret, I'd just say I regret this weight ever coming on me again after I lost it nine or ten years ago.  And when I was losing some of it after I had Isaac and then just for whatever reason giving up and putting it all back on. 

Does anyone know what "THAT" is?  You know the connection that makes it such a strong desire in your head and even in my heart, but I can't pull it out in my daily life?  How I make it my priority?  So, what do I do now?  I'm 100% disappointed in my first week and I have excuses to last for the next 6 months at least....

I thought knowing that I have no clothes that fit me would also be enough to get me moving.  Nope!  I have two pair of pants (other than my lazy pants) that fit.  A pair of 'skinny' jeans (why do they even call them these, they are huge), that I'm about a week or two away from chub-rubbing through and then a pair of jeans, they are not great.  They are too long, they are the biggest size I've ever had to buy in my life, and I have to wear them too high on my waist, ugh, they are stupid.  But those are the only two pants that fit me right now.  And as far as shirts go, they are not awesome either.  Most of them are too small, the ones that do fit dont' look right with the only pants that fit me, so yeah, that SHOULD be enough to get me off my butt, but it's not.  What is that?!?!  ugh!

And I need to be 100% realistic, I have kids around and other people living in the house, so I can't exactly just remove all the tempting things from it.  This is real life, I have to figure out what is going on that I can't seem to get it togther.  I try to motivate myself, read other people's success story, I mean I live with a success story, my husband lost 50 pounds 5+ years ago and has kept it off. 

So, what do I do?  Keep going?  I mean, I'm not really doing anything, there's no "keeping" to laziness, procrastination and eating whatever I want....  I guess the truth is, I won't give up.  And if I want to quit complaining about it, I have to DO something about it...right?  Complaining will get me no where, only hard work, dedication and will power is going to do anything for me.

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