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Friday, December 31, 2010

Prepare for the Year of Awesomeness

Saw a commerical for Kung Fu Panda 2 and they said "Prepare for the Year of Awesomeness" and I'm pretty sure I'll say that 12389128391028 times the next year!   Regardless of the goals I'm going to accomplish this year, I am going to make sure my year is awesome. 

I got to exercize outside today!!!  So exciting!  I love to walk/jog outside.  And I actually went for a walk twice because it was so nice.  What a great feeling to feel the wamth of the sun on the last day of the year.  It kind of makes me want to be by the ocean next year for the New Year.  The sun sometimes bites me, but I sure do love to soak it up.  The two walks were really what my spirit needed.  It's so funny to me the moods I get in while I walk.  I always first want to hear music that sets my feet to a pace.  It usually is pop music, which normally isn't my genre of choice, but it works so well.  I like to pretend in my head that I'm on a run way, so I have to keep the beat of the song.  I'm pretty amazing at it to be honest.  

Part of the way through my walk I started to think about what I've started here and felt a little bit of anxiety.  What if I fail?  Will I ever reveal where I've started?  What if I just binge for a day, will I be honest about it?  Can I push through all the birthdays, death anniversaries, and the dramas that swirl around one or two particular people in my life?  So, I changed the music.  I sought out worship music and not only soaked up the sun but just let the Holy Spirit rain down on my walks, lifting the anxiety and comfort me. 

I actually read a story on cnn.com about a lady, Lysa TerKeurst, (don't read the comments, most of them are infuriating, I can't believe some people take the time to be so hateful) and she was so inspirational to me.  I had actually gotten mad at God myself for the way I looked and all the tragedy that surrounded the emotional eating.  I never lost my faith, but I definitely know the frustration, and it was probably the same frustration I felt during 4 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant.  Whether God is what you believe in or not, I know you can accomplish your goals as I can.  Whatever you're having faith in, whatever mantra, meditation or words of encouragement you need, go with that! 

I also read the People Magazine today that features people "Half Their Size", it also interviewed Drew Carey and many other people on their weight loss journey.  There are so many success stories out there, it makes me wonder why mine would make any more of a difference than anyone elses.  But, it's really more about accountability at this point.  I mean with The Biggest Loser, Dance your A$$ off, Celebrity Fit Club...etc. etc. you can always turn on the TV and listen to the stories.  So this year, I join their stories, I don't just listen, I get to be the storyteller, a role I've always enjoyed.

I've been reminding myself all day that it's not like I can't eat blank forever, I'm just choosing not to eat it now.  I mean, I'd never really survive never being able to eat peanut butter and jelly again, that's just a ludacris idea! 

Whatever your goals are for 2011, know that you CAN accomplish them.   Baby steps and positivity are the first steps!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

To shimmy or not to shimmy

Today I recorded the FitTV series "Shimmy" a.k.a. belly dancing not for beginners.  I'm a fairly coordinated individual and it did not show today.  There was another issue with a voice over, which, again is a little weird.  And they kept showing just the face of the girls, um, I kind of need to see what their bodies are doing, so I can copy it, just sayin'.  The voice over was also very demanding, which was kind of cracking me up.  The last two minutes I was instructed to "let go, just move, be free."  And well, since I had no clue what I was doing I just sort of wiggled around.  I did not sweat, which the point of working out is sweating, so this will not be a show I record regularly. 

I actually did it, I got on the scale.  I didn't have time for breakfast this morning and was getting ready to 'shimmy' and decided to just do it, to just suck it up (cause we all know sucking it in helps on the scale...right?).  It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but the few pounds I lost before Thanksgiving were waving high, I was not waving back, I was pointing with a select phalange. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2010, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I'm pretty certain 2011 is going to be amazing!!! 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Now, it's today..no it really is

So, today (yes actually today...quit pretending and pay attention), I met with an amazing friend of mine to have lunch.  We picked Qdoba, I can make good choices there.  I made an okay choice.  She has not had the pleasure of reading my blog yet, even though she's been so encouraging about it.  She had a hilarious story about some jeans she wore to work one day and hopefully I will have the pleasure of sharing it soon! 

We decided after we had lunch, that we would try to go find "Sweatin' to the Oldies" at the resale shops!  On our way we went.  At the first shop we found some pretty great VHS tapes to work out to.  I cannot wait to try them out, but no "Sweatin' to the Oldies" we did find some other weird Richard Simmons work out but I'm pretty set on finding the Oldies, it's classic and awesome, it's a must have.  We made our way to the second shop and they did not have it, they didn't really have much at all.  We did look through jeans and I found a second pair of jeans that actually fit!  Hurray! And I only paid $4 so even better.

I got home, got on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  I kept on my work out clothes for a while hoping I'd find the time to work out again but as the night went on and duty called the energy was zapped right out of me for a work out.  It's okay, I did 30 minutes and I'm happy with that.  While I was on the treadmill I watched "Legally Blonde".  I have a whole process behind picking my treadmill movie.  I have to pick a funny movie, one that will keep my interest, that I haven't watched in a while, it cannot be a movie I have never seen because it can be hard to hear with the treadmill running and the baby monitor on sometimes.  I did watch the first three "Bring It On" movies a few weeks ago on the treadmill, they are VERY treadmill worthy.  Hilarious, high energy and just the right amount of ridiculous and quotable "bomb diggity"... 

My husband hooked up our VCR to the TV so I can soon use my amazing work out video tapes!  I so enjoy these late nights to have to myself.  It's hard to decide between having these late nights and getting up super early to work out before anything else in the day.  I realize that would be time to myself, if everyone is sleeping and maybe I wouldn't feel so rushed to get in the work outs during the day, I'd have time to do other things.  So, we'll see, I continue to digest the idea in my head.  I mean, I could dedicate 5 months to getting up super early and go from there.  5 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Let's Pretend it's Yesterday

I had every intention to post yesterday and time just slipped away. So we will pretend that it's yesterday...is everyone pretending?

 First, I'd like to let it known that I did purchase a new pair of jeans...that fit!!  The size wasn't as gut wrenching as I had originally thought, so that's good, but it was definitely bigger than the "thinning thighs" jeans I've been wearing.  The new jeans said "skinny" jeans, which is pretty hilarious considering the size, but I thought that the legs would fit better inside my boots.  I was very mistaken, I still had the "boot pooch" that just isn't pretty.  I'll still do it sometimes, but the boot pooch is something I hope to avoid one day!  I guess the makers assume that because the size is bigger the wearers calves must be bigger, I don't know, it's my only logical guess at this point.  The jeans are cute, so I'm just glad to have jeans that don't feel like they are going to split getting into the car.

Secondly, I worked out, twice, to FitTV shows.  The first one was Weight Loss Workout "Pure Sculpt" with Violet Sahi (SP?).  It was 30 minutes, about 25 after commercials.  She's british, which makes her fun to listen to.  And she's totally ripped.  She had lots of great energy and none of the moves were so hard that I couldn't do them.  Plus, she had one girl doing the "modified" version of all the moves.   I was sweating at the end, so that's was good, she had occassional "cardio blasts".  I don't really have that much to say about it.

I then decided later in the day to try the Bollywood Dance show that I had recorded.  It looked so alluring on the commercials and I'm fairly coordinated so I was pretty sure I'd be awesome at it.  I was not awesome at it.  First, there was a voice over, which was insanely distracting.  And the Bollywood is high energy and a little silly when you're first doing it and the voice over was trying to be all calming and soothing, it didn't really mix.  I tried, I gave it 100% for about 6 minutes and then....I was done.  I have no issues looking silly, no one was around anyway, but I just didn't have it.  I will definitely give it another try in the future.  So, instead, I went to my tried and true 'Total Body Sculpt with Gilad" and it did the trick, lots of sweating and a silly buff man calling all the shots.

My food choices were not perfect, okay, let's stick with honesty, they weren't good.  Not terrible, but not good either.  It's fine, I will not feel the guilt or shame I have always felt in the past. 

Monday, December 27, 2010

Addiction or no will-power?

So, I watched True Life: I'm Addicted to Food tonight.  And everything thing these girls said to me made perfect sense.  If I mess up eating, I eat again because "what's the point".  The goal is so big it's hard to wrap my head around.  I eat to soothe, I eat to calm, I eat to mask an emotion, I eat because I'm bored...I could go on and on and on.

Here's where I find my difference.  I can and do tell myself 'no'.  Not as often as I probably should at this point, but I do.  Today, we went out to eat, I had this amazing salad, maybe not the BEST choice I could have made but man I wanted a burger.  Right now, when everyone else is asleep and I'm typing this out and I'm watching mindless TV, a snack would be the first thing I go get, but I'm choosing not to get a snack.  I let it known tonight that I will not be eating Chinese Buffet for at least the next 5 months, because, let's be honest, there are no good choices at Chinese Buffet.  I can make decent choices at most places we eat, and when I can't, I will let my husband know that we cannot eat there because I cannot make a good choice.

I'm having a hard time not making this blog too heavy.  If I dug to the root of my eating, it would definitely become too heavy for this.  I find honesty sometimes can be.  But here's my new truth: not only CAN I do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I WILL do all things through Christ who stregthens me. 
I know I won't be perfect, but I will not "punish" myself when I mess up.  I won't reward myself with food when I do good and I won't sabatoge myself.  I will be my own best friend, my best cheerleader!  I have two of the greatest allies on my side, and that's my God and my husband!

So, I'm thinking about trying some of these workouts on the Fitness Channel.  I already work out to Gilad, "the Israely fitness god", that's what he calls himself.  So maybe I'll try experimenting with some other ones.  And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna YouTube "Sweatin' to the Oldies" cause I'd probably laugh the entire time, a double work out in one!!  Which is also going to be part of my routine...laughing more!

So soon this becomes legit!  Saturday is January 1st, I kind of wish January 1st was a Monday.  Don't we all try to start new things on Mondays?  I know how I'd like my day to start, if I post it, and I dont' do it, then I'm just kind of publicly failing.  So, right now, I don't feel comfortable posting it.  This does not make me a chicken, getting out of my comfort zone is a whole new concept to me.  So one step at a time.  Starting this blog and making it available for people to read was the first step.  I am now accountable to you....whoever you are....

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The history...

The first title to this posting was "The History of my fatness" but one of the things I want to work on is how I talk about myself, and well, that's not very positive now is it??  We all stand in front of the mirror and pick apart every part of our body, or maybe just one part.  For me, it's every part!  I do love my hair, and I love my smile, but lately that's the extent of it.  I can find flaw in every part at this time, it's okay, I know I'm not alone.   But there were times in my life when I was happy with pretty much every part of it.

I cannot seem to pull this post together.  I've deleted it probably 5 times.  There's something very unsatisfying about drudging it all up.  Does it really matter if I was a fat kid or not?  Does it matter if I struggled with my weight for 5 years or 10 years or 15 years?  Isn't it all about playing the hand I've been dealt?  I mean, I did deal myself this hand...it's pretty much my own fault I'm here, so time to move onward!  I realize there's many situations in life that the hand was dealt for us, but isn't it about what we're doing with that hand now?  That's why there's always the option to trade a few cards in, life is not 5 card stud!  (I cannot believe I just referred to poker, especially considering, that was my entire poker knowledge in one sentence.)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

So, yesterday I walked on the treadmill 30 minutes and today I did some sit ups and some free weights!  It's not really anything to be too excited about, I could have pushed myself harder, but I did something, so I'll be proud of the something I did!  However.... it's Christmas, it's an excuse to stuff our faces right?  No, not so much but that's what we tell ourselves to lessen the shock of the scale in a couple days. 

My brother today said when he stopped at a gas station (to get scratch off tickets, it's sort of a Christmas tradition in our family), the cashier told him that the local Wal mart was OUT of soda!  I am a soda drinker, a diet soda drinker, not that any soda is a good thing but it's what I do.  I often try to cut back and, like all things in my life (until the near future), it only lasts a few days before I'm back to my old habits!  I have had no decision on how I will approach the diet sodas for the next year.   It's kind of like having a 3 year old and picking your battles.  If he wants to take his blankie in the car, why fight the battle?  If he wants to punch his sister for playing with his favorite car, that's a whole other story!  So, at this point, I'm choosing not to address this battle, I will, and maybe my outcome will not be the "recommended" one or the healthiest one or the one that you would choose, but that's okay.  If you choose not to drink soda, I would never judge you :)

Random thought for the day:  How HILARIOUS would it be to attach (or see someone else do it) one of those new "Shake 'em weights" to their ankles?  They would look like a dog after he pees!!  It's an awesome thought.  Someone should try it, tape it, and You Tube it!  Ready...set...go!  (These are things I would do, if I were not afraid of a camera at this moment...oh free spirited, goofy, follow through on every bad idea Dawn I will see you soon!!)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Revving up....or screwing up...either way

So, to begin the process of beginning the process of ... well me, I quit nursing Zoe.  She's 10 months old, so I'm not sad about it or anything, I was pretty done at about 6 months so going even further was great for us!  Nursing will suck up calories though, so that's my new excuse as to why I'm getting fatter.  Okay, it's a total lie, I'm seriously eating for an army!

Well, the plan was to start on New Years Day, the time old tradition of starting something I suppose.  Today, I had to take one of my step kids to the orthodontist.  Which means I have to put on jeans, it's not my pants of choice at this point and time but I have two pair that fit.  And what I mean by fit, is they are just stretched out enough that I can squeeze them over my butt, put on a belt that has lost some metal holes because I'm stretching that to it's max and be very careful how I get in and out of the Durango as to make sure I don't split them.  Well, as I'm putting on my one of two pairs of jeans, the ones I've been wearing for a couple days b/c I now have them nice and stretched out, they don't stink and they aren't visibly dirty, so their good, I noticed that, well, they are thinning!!!  This is the nightmare for anyone who has gained weight that they are trying to deny because "I am NOT buying a bigger size jeans!" 

We all know the moment, you have these nice stretched out pair of jeans (cause jeans are the worst), you check the size, and you get enough guts at the store to try on the SAME size...and, well, it's not pretty.  They don't go over your thighs, sometimes, not even over your knees.  And, you've brought multiple pairs of jeans in this size into the dressing room.  Different designers, b/c their sizes are never the same.  You try on pair, after pair, after pair, thinking, hoping, sucking in, that one of them will fit.  And they don't.  If I was a rude person, I would leave them in the dressing room, one pant leg inside out, in a pile on the floor, sprinkled with my tears, however, since I can't seem to do that, I'll hang them all back up and even mumble under my breath to the attendant "I didn't like any of them", as I hand them back, without making eye contact, in a moment of shame.  You try not to let it ruin the day, I mean, it's not like this was news to you!!  You still go out to lunch or dinner and you probably go home and have a cookie, or a box of cookies.  I mean, what's the best way to make you feel better about the dressing room shame..food.

So, as I see the thinning around the buttocks/thigh-ish area, I realize one of two things is going to have to happen.  Either, I'm going to have to start this "me" like today or I'm going to have to buy new jeans, and bigger ones, I mean BIGGER ones.  These jeans are pre-pregnancy jeans and they shouldnt' have fit me then!  They are at least 2 years old, yup, 2 pairs of jeans, the only two I wear and they are probably 2 years old.  It's the real "mom jeans"!  (And no, I'm not talking about the high wasted jeans, I'm talking about having the oldest, cheapest, most ill fitting clothes of everyone in the house, simply because you're a mom, and not at all caring...until of course...it means buying a bigger size!!!!)  I have 2 other pairs of jeans, that are just a smidge to small (okay, a smidget to small, when these current jeans fit perfectly, w/o the thinning) so I'd have jeans to wear if I got serious fast.  Honestly, I don't want to do either.  I mean today, there were no holds barred in the eating department.  I definitely could have eaten more, but there was no restraint either.  It's not like the thinning was my "wake up call" because it simply wasn't.  It was merely that last picture in a montag before I hit 'rock bottom' I can only assume.

So, we'll see if I start tomorrow, I mean I guess I could always find elastic pants before New Years, I mean they don't come in number sizes, they come in letter sizes, those are so less jarring!  Or, is it totally unacceptable to wear pajama/lounge pants through Christmas and the Holidays?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Inspired or insane :)

So, as everyone is very aware of the New Year will be here in like 2 weeks.  As most people in the world, I'm determined to have a Resolution.  I gave up years ago having one.  But then I remembered that in 2007 I resolved to get healthy, I got rid of Trans Fat in my diet, to see if that would help me have a baby. Lo and behold, I have my beautiful baby boy, Isaac!  I lost 18 pounds and BOOM we were pregnant.  Well, as we all know I have WAY more than 18 pounds to lose this go around.   I started this blog a few months ago but deleted everything I had it in, simply because it became this bitch-fest.  I was using the people around me as an excuse to not get healthy.  When, ultimately, I have every excuse TO get healthy.

I know the reasons I stuff my face, starting with boredom and feeling worthless.  I'm a stay at home mom, if people only knew how worthless majority of us felt, maybe they'd ...I have no idea where to go with this sentence LOL.  But there's many reasons after that, but I'm not going to talk about that anymore.  It's time to talk about what this next year is going to bring for me.

First, I'll be 100% honest.  I lost a few pounds before Thanksgiving, I thought to myself, that I'd get a head start into this next year and lose a few pounds, I'd show 'em.  Not sure who 'em is, but I was gonna show 'em.  Well, Thanksgiving, now Christmas, and I've gained weight.  I haven't had the courage to figure out what is it and as brutally honest as I want this blog to be I'm not even sure I could tell anyone how much or what my starting weight is going to be. 

But, my first goal, without telling anyone the actual starting number, is to be below 200 pounds before my birthday, May 6th.  Now, 2 people in the world know how much I weigh (not counting the doctor and nurse) and one of those people doesn't believe me.  She's pretty convinced that I'm full of it, but it's the truth.  So, some people might think that the first goal will be super easy but I promise you, it will not.  But if I can't give myself the first 5 months of 2011 and the last 5 months of my 30th year to do this for myself, then I deserve to be fat and miserable and to never complain again for the rest of my life! 

I'm not going to follow some crazy "diet plan", I'm going to make better choices.  On any given day I will say to Isaac probably 20 times "please make good choices", "thats not a good choice" and any combination of that.  If I can't make good choices in my life, why should I expect him to?

Now, there is a part of me that's saying "screw it, lady, go out of 2010 with a bang".  Meaning, eat whatever you want, however much you want, because on Jan 1 your life will be different and you won't eat many of the things you are eating now.  I've definitely had that attitude thus far, which is why I'm scared to death of stepping on my bathroom scale.  So, I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, if I'll decide to be a human BEING or a human garbage disposal, I just can't be sure anymore! 

So, I won't know the ultimate goal until I do step on the scale, but do know that long term there is AT LEAST 70 pounds to lose.  That will probably get me to what I was when I got married.  I still wore double digit pants (11 /13 to be exact) and I still wore size Large shirts, but for me, I looked and felt amazing.  I've also had 2 babies since then, which, as women know means my body is an entire different shape now.  And since my shape has been covered with a ridiculous amount of fatness I'm not really sure what it will look like.  If even the 11/13 will look good on me anymore or if that size will fit at the weight I was at.  It's all a gamble, but the gamble is I can start with taking 5 months and 6 days of my life and changing it. 

There are other goals for the next year.  I would also like to comment that after 20ish years of doing so, I have quit biting my nails!  It was really a habit that I was pretty sure would never be broken.  So, if I can quit smoking almost 7 years ago, after 8ish years of smoking and I can quit biting my nails after 20 years of biting them, then I'm pretty sure I can do anything.  The trick, by the way, was lip gloss.  I'm a chapstick freak, but have never wore lipgloss, but for some strange reason I thought "hmmm" and put it on one day and I wouldn't bit my nails, for two reasons.  First, I didn't want colored lip gloss all over my face, that's so icky and second, I didn't like the feeling of having lip gloss on my fingers.  So, it worked.  Yes, sometimes I'll catch myself, but I've only bitten off one nail in probably 2 weeks, which is huge for me.

Other goals I'd like to deal with this year:  a 5K a day.
Pick my guitar back up and learn, learn, learn it.
Get through The Bible in  a year.
And there's more, but it's 1:30am and I'm not really sure why I'm up.  Well, I am, it's the only time of day I get alone and lately I've been loving it.  But it's probably not healthy :)

That's all I got right now.  For a busy, stay at home mom of 2 little kids and 3 older step children, a husband who works more than full time, leads Youth Worship and is a Children's Pastor, finding time to bathe is a big deal, so reprioritizing my life to do things for myself, will seem so selfish, but most rewarding for everyone!

Good luck with whatever your goals are for this year next year!  For me, it's seems like the best year to make a difference in someone's life....your own.