Thursday, January 27, 2011

I wish I could wrap my issues in words

Here are some “highlights” of what I wrote earlier in the week.   I was really wary of sharing all of this, but I was wary of starting this blog to begin with.  Nothing is more personal that a struggle of heart, because that’s really what my struggle is about.  I guess if people don’t want to get this personal with me, they don’t have to read.  And if you don’t want to get “serious” with me, skip to Thursday!

Man I am really struggling…seriously struggling.  At this point I’m pretty sure I’ll gain weight this week.  Yeah, but got below a certain number and I think I’m going to ruin it.  I can’t seem to trace what’s going on.  I mean I realize the significance of the weekend makes sense.  Honestly, I think it’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with but I can’t seem to explain to people.  I feel a little….unimportant?...disregarded?...something.  Whatever the feeling is, it’s really distracting and doing a major toil on my progress.

I’m continuing to struggle.  Even as I sit here, full, I desperately want a cookie, a piece of pizza, pepper jack cheese, anything really!!!  I worked out fairly well today, 20 minutes on the treadmill, a 50 minute aerobic work out and some sit ups.  I don’t feel satisfied with this.  I feel like I should be putting in like an hour on the treadmill and at least 45 minutes of another work out, and 500 sit ups.  I mean, that’s crazy right?  I don’t have that time in the day, unless I absolutely do nothing else and then feel insane!!!  I mean I already feel insane with the little that I do (yes, I will be completely honest here I am a terrible house keeper and not a very good cook and some days I only do what I have to do, and lately that’s all I’ve been doing…little to nothing).  I can’t imagine putting the pressure on myself to work out even more, and again, I don’t really feel like it’s that much.  But in my mind I’m not satisfied if I’m not doing more.   And to get to the root of honesty, it’s that feeling of unsatisfaction (yeah I get it, it’s not a word, I like it though) that is probably holding me back!  I don’t really ever feel like I satisfy anyone.  I don’t ever feel like I live up to other people’s expectations and I’m not even sure what my expectations for myself are.  I really comes back to feeling like I’m just not good enough in so many areas of my life for so many people.  So instead of trying my hardest to meet those expectations…..I eat them, I guess, I don’t really know how to finish this sentence.  I feel like such a baby, a whiner, a crier, whatever you want to call me… “oh poor me, people hurt my feelings and now I’m going to eat like a fatty.” “Oh poor me, people have expectations of me I don't feel like I can meet and now I’m not going to work out..”  “oh poor me, I have grief, deep hard grief that I hardly got to deal with and now I just want food.”  Yeah, seems like the silliest, most asinine, most ridiculous brew-ha-ha I’ve ever read…or said…or just thought. 
Again, what a stupid battle I fight.  And it’s a battle that I cannot, for the life of me, explain to anyone.  Instead of connecting with people and feel like I’m becoming more and more confusing or maybe annoying to people.  I wish I could wrap my issues in words, something I’ve always been amazing at, but, alas, this is not currently the case!

As I’ve been saying, I will continue to push through this.  I am an over comer, I am more than a conqueror, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

This morning, I worked out to “faithful workouts” a program on a Christian TV channel, so she integrated the Word of God into her workout.  The workout kicked my booty.  I really don’t like jumping jacks…if you’ve ever nursed a baby or you’re just a fatty, you’ll know why, but I did them with her.   
I started off this year joyful of my journey, excited about what God has in store for me.  The witness I can bring from this.  The things I’m going to overcome along with the weight loss and instead I got in my head, when I need to be in the Spirit.  There is no stopping people’s words, there’s no stopping that my mom is dead, there’s no stopping that being a stay-at-home mom is lonely and hard (unless you’ve done it for a long time, you may never understand this, people think it’s a walk in the park..I kind of beg to differ), but there is stopping how I react to them.  I said to someone a week or so ago, that forgiveness only takes a moment, but reconciliation can take a lifetime, and this, is true.  It only takes me a moment to really dig into myself and forgive the people who have brought stress or hurt into my life and it only takes a moment to forgive my mom for dying (yup, I have to do that, silly isn’t it?), and forgive myself for things I’ve done to myself and other people, but in some instances the relationship may never fully recover or be fully reconciled, but as long as my heart is in the right spot as long as I’ve extended the forgiveness, then I can move on.

I was desperate to find some hope of Spring today.  I have cabin fever like a Polar Bear in Peru (yup, I get it, this makes no sense whatsoever).  So I decided to try to jog outside, I wasn’t to my neighbor’s driveway when I realized my fingers were frozen (with gloves) and our roads weren’t exactly clear, or even kind of clear, so I came home and begrudgingly got on the treadmill.  And, can I be totally honest here?  There were 3 tears on the treadmill, that is how much I wanted to be outside and NOT on the treadmill today.  
I’m even still in my work out clothes, disgusting isn’t it?  Because I thought that even though I did a 30 minute Gilad work out and 30 minutes on the treadmill that I would do more.  I, was wrong.  My food was good today, which seems to be my worst enemy, even though I haven’t had my night time snack yet, and since tomorrow is my weigh in I’m weighing (hahahahahahahah..okay not so much) what I should have.  I am not at all looking forward to the weigh in, I’m pretty positive I blew it this week and I wouldn’t be surprised because of the first few days of the week that I gained weight.  Yet, I sit here again thinking about how much more I should have done today, how much more I should have worked out.   This too shall pass!
I would like to disclaim that I am not what people may think of me from the last couple weeks.  I am a generally happy person and I have lots of fun in my life.  I just think I needed to be honest about my deeper things.  I enjoy laughing and smiling and I'm pretty good at it.  I just don't want to pretend that this journey is all about weight loss because it's so much more than that.....I am so much more than that!!

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