Sunday, January 23, 2011

Some honesty

I have to be honest here.  I have made pretty poor choices in the food department the last two days.  To be really honest it's been bad.  So, I am not example this weekend on how to deal with emotions.  On top of it being the anniversary of my mom's death I was basically told this week that I am the reason for someone's unhappiness. I know, that I'm not, that the unhappiness goes WAY deeper than me, but being the scapegoat for someone else's problems really doesn't feel good and brought up major feelings of shame, guilt and anger, none of which should have ever been given to me.  Which are all feelings I tried to eat through....

Here's the circle:  I eat because I'm emotional, my feelings are hurt, lonely, angry, whatever.  Then I have those same feeling because I just over ate.  Whether it's immediately or through the day.  Pretty dumb right?

Food is not going to fix my feelings.  But it doesn't hurt my feelings.  And when I'm eating it, I don't have to think about those feelings....

So, for the next few days I'm walking away from my blog and other pointless internet related things.  Not because this is my cure, that's just silly.  But it's because my comfort, it has also become my "I don't have to think about what's really going on while I surf the web".  And in that mindless surfing I've also become a mindless eater.  I'm comfortable being mindless, less things to think about and process.

I haven't given up by any means, I'm actually rejuvinated by the thought of actually coping.  Actually being in the moment, feeling the emotion, staying with it and coming out the other side stronger.  I may type in a notepad or something so I can document things as I go through them. 

Right now, I'm going to work out.  Not the treadmill as I know in my state I will only walk and pretend like I worked out.  I will work out to one or two of my saved TV shows.  I plan on pushing 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours a day, on days I can this week.  Whatever it takes to get my mind back focused on what it needs to be focused on...we shall see.

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