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Monday, June 13, 2011

I faced the music

So, last Friday I finally weighed in to see the damage.  I haven't posted in over a month, I simply haven't done anything for myself since I've gotten back from Memphis.  I've felt pretty guilty about going away, when my husband is the one who really needed the vacation, and in a weird sort of way I just didn't feel right taking more time to myself, for exercise, and meal planning and what not. 

I was pretty sure when I weighed in on Friday that there would be at least a 5 pound gain.  My body wasn't feeling right, I hadn't exercised, I had pretty much eaten whatever I wanted.  I will say that I was busy....and there's definitely something to say about staying busy.  The exercising I did attempt over the last month was pretty pathetic, it really only takes a few days for your body to recondition to lazy, that is for sure.

Well, I only gained 2 pounds.  I was actually, ironically pretty happy about this.  I shouldn't have been.  Technically speaking that means I had eaten 7000 calories MORE that my body needed in the last month.  When you really think about that, it's disgusting.  But, I'm trying not to disgust myself and just know that I haven't really gotten off track and it should be easy to get back on.

On top of that, I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and man, it's been eye opening.  Yes, I bribe my children with marshmallows in the store, I drink diet soda and I'm not by any means the example for ANYONE as far as health goes.  But now I'm totally disgusted by many things.  I'd love to start petitioning our school board for small changes...no more soda machines in the schools and no more flavored milk.  I realized that I need to put this passion toward myself, that it was decisions as a teen that took me off track, so I need to get back on track before I start preaching to people about health.  And honestly I haven't had much of an appetite for meat (even though I have eaten it) since I've watched a few of his shows, I'd hate to see what happens when I watch Food Inc. 

I have done some walking, some Total Body Work Out with Gilad, but nothing consistent.  Oh, for like 2 weeks I only drank one (a big one, but only one) soda a day, this is sort of huge for me!  I drink a ridiculous amount of soda, so only one a day was big...but it only took a few days of "rewarding myself" with 2 that has me back to drinking more.  There's so much crap in soda, especially diet soda, it drives me bananas that I drink it, but it hasn't stopped me...what IS that??  I mean seriously, who knows something is bad for them but keeps doing it?  Well, an addict...and as I'm slowly realizing I have food addiction issues.

I have a lot to say, about a lot of stuff not related to this.  There's been some stuff over the last couple weeks that sent me right for junk food.  One instance where I wasn't even hungry, I couldn't finish my salad because I was so upset, the next morning, wrote a letter (didn't send it of course), thought I felt better, than realized I was pigging out right after I wrote it...  So much for writing therapy, which I still need to look into.

I picked up a book that I thought would bring me back to where I lost myself, I'm only two chapters in, it gives me homework every chapter, I don't feel better...yet.  The first chapter I actually had to first write all the mean and horrible things I say to myself in my head, all the things I think are holding myself back from whatever my truest potential or truest self can be.  The list, was LONG, no kidding.  Then the next step was to write everything you like about yourself.   You should really try this, it's no easy task.  Obviously (or maybe not) this list was very short.   Then I had to tell off, basically, all the crappy things I say about myself and then accept myself as the way God has made me.  Perfect in His image.  This, is also an extremely hard task, at least for me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at, that my update for now.  I hope the next time I post I can tell you that I've done better for myself, that I'm no longer feeling selfish or guilty for needing to take care of myself.   I also hope the next post isn't too far off....

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