I've been praying over my baby and pregnancy everyday with the amazing words from the amazing book that I got!! I'm feeling so much better and can finally start to see a "glow" that instead of being the sweat from vomiting is now just the glow of knowing what a miracle God has done in my life.
Jeremy and I immediately started trying to have children when we got married in July 2003. He already had kids and they lived with us, so it's not like it would change things. Plus my mom was desperate to my a grandma (Nana, as we call her now) and I wanted nothing more than to bless her with grandchildren! In November 2003 I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, basically that means the baby got stuck in my tubes and my right tube (I believe) had burst. I remember my mom being at the hospital with me when they finally told me that I had to go into surgery. The nurse said "Pick a good dream" and I went to sleep and dreamed of a red headed little girl that I was pushing on a swing set, she is Rebecca, and she is in heaven with her maker and sadly joined by her Nana only a few short months later!
The loss of my mom in January 2004 spun me into something I never knew existed and honestly wish I never had to know. And in the midst of my grief we were in the middle of a major court battle with my step children, truly finding out how heinous and horrible people can really be, it was probably the saddest and loneliest time of my life. (If my marriage can not only survive but thrive through my first year of our marriage, than I truly believe any marriage can make it! - And we only knew each other 10 months before we got married, that alone is a true miracle.) Over the next many years we experienced 3 miscarriages, early ones, anywhere from 6 - 8 weeks along but it didn't matter they were all babies to me.
In April 2006, Jesse Duplantis was a guest speaker at our church. During prayer time the Holy Spirit prompted him to ask if anyone was having problems getting pregnant and wanted special prayer to come to the front of church and he'd pray for them. Well, I JUMPED over people to get to the front of the church. I know it wasn't Jesse Duplantis, I know for sure that it was God just boosting my faith. We never had another issue and in January 2007 I decided to get my body in line with my faith, I lost 18 pounds and was soon pregnant.
October 22, 2007 Isaac James was born!! There was never a real explanation of what was causing my miscarriages, low progesterone was the only thought and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Isaac I had to take progesterone pills. Jeremy knew I wanted more children, I wanted 2 more, Isaac was already number 4 for him so I wasn't sure how many more he was willing to have. I knew one more and I was eager pretty immediately after Isaac. Jeremy reassured me that God will prompt him on the timing and he'd let me know when the time was right. And he kept that promise. In February 2009 he said we could try again, 3 short months later we were pregnant without any issues or complications and in February 2010 I got my gorgeous baby girl Zoe. I sort of never felt done having kids after Zoe, regardless that she was colic and has been a pretty fussy baby since something deep inside felt that I needed/wanted one more. Jeremy, however, didn't feel the same. Yet God had another miracle waiting for me, in His perfect timing and He didnt' even feel the need to let either of us know before hand, coming in March 2012!
THREE babies for me when I never thought one was possible! I would cry every month for 4 1/2 years, and Jeremy told me to rest my faith on his. I had to, I was too emotionally involved in this. I lost my mom, my grandma, uncles, aunts, and so many people in those 4 1/2 years I NEEDED the 'circle of life' to make sense to me. Nothing made sense. Mothers would drown their babies, and mothers would abuse their children (and get away with it) as I found out first hand and it didn't seem like I could have any. And the thought of NOT having my mom here, to be a motherless mom, was tortuous but the desire to have a baby was greater than the grief.
Many times I look at my kids and just cry for them that they don't have Nana here, and many times I cry for myself because I need a break and don't often get them. We often laugh that my mom would pitch a tent in my front yard to be close to her grand kids, that they'd stay at her house more than they'd stay at mine, that she would have quit her job the day Isaac was born and never would have went back. But I cry mostly because as much as my children are loved and they are SOOOO loved, they are missing the love from the person that mattered the most to me in my life, the person that loved me the most.
Dont' worry, today I'm not sad, I'm so happy. Isaac is an amazing little man. Everyday he tells me "Mommy, you cute and beautiful" and he kisses my wedding ring. He hugs me all the time, he is full of energy and creativity. He's a great helper and he loves the Lord. He raises his hands during worship and many time dances, he recites Philippians 4:19 every night at bedtime. He adores Zoe and the new baby which he calls Cocky. He's so beautiful, he's a happy kid and laughs at everything! The love I have for my children is something I never thought possible and I'm so grateful that I get to know that love. And one day, not only do I get to be reunited with my mom and many other loved ones but my other babies!!! I often tell God not to be offended if the first person I want to see when I get to heaven is not Jesus, but my mom, He doesn't mind :)
So, Happy 4th birthday to a true miracle!!!