Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Beyond Lazy

Yup, I truly feel beyond lazy at this point in the game.  I haven't worked out, consistently for 2 weeks.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  I know that having an extra kid 3 days a week, a baby, is making it hard.  She has honestly become good birth control for me, because I realize how much time I can't spend with Isaac and Zoe since I have her and I hate neglecting them.  I don't know, I do have lots of excuses, so I'll try to limit them here.  I've had a headache for probably 8 days straight and when I mentioned this to my husband he brought something to my attention that I was avoiding, he's pretty good at that.  I haven't worked out consistently in two weeks and I haven't paid much attention to what I'm putting in my body, and now all the sudden I'm having a headaches, I'm pretty convinced that it's not coincidence.  So, that should have motivated me to work out today, it's 1:30pm and I have not and will probably not have time to. 

My husband has two kids graduating high school this year so we're having a party in 3 weeks and I have a list a mile long to do before then, it's another excuse of mine to not work out.  Any moment I have I try to use to clean, paint, scrub, etc.   And since I already have 3 days a week that I can't get any of that stuff done (the girl I babysit is sometimes difficult), the days she isn't here I try to catch up on my normal things (dishes, emails, vacuuming, etc).  Okay, let me re-clarify "any moment I have" because I do have normal stuff I have to take care of in a day.  I do like to blog, coupon online, and that sort of thing, along with just daily "chores" so I guess I could eliminate EVERYTHING from my day except housework, husband, children and working out and I could get everything done....and maybe go crazy. 

I told my husband last night that it's hard to go from someone who's entire identity has been husband, children and home for the last eight years (the years I've put on weight) and then have to re-arrange that identity to include "me time" and I dont' really call exercising me time, because it's not my favorite thing to do.  And, if it wasn't for the fact that I NEED to get the weight off, I could never choose exercising as me time AND normally when I work out, I have at least one child running around me.   However, I'd just like to state that I won't quit exercising after the weight comes off, it's just hard to get an extra 65+ pounds around when you're trying to work out...I mean strap 10 pounds on your back and see how much harder it is.  I get why they have that episode in the weight loss shows where the contestants have to carry around the weight they lost.

Speaking of weight loss shows, I need to be done with them for now.  There is nothing real about losing 7 - 20 pounds in a week.  It's virtually impossible to do that at home on a normal basis and watching the contestants get frustrated when they lose 5 or less pounds is really messing with my head.  I love to hear about the stories of why they got where they are, and I like hearing about the break thrus, but watching them drop 65 pounds in a month or two is discouraging.  Especially since I did that once and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle, nothing about it was healthy...   I'm going to try "Addicted to Food" to see if it speaks to me, but I just can't do the other ones for a while. 

All these things I thought were motivating have started to become discouraging.  I thought this trip to Memphis next weekend would motivate me, but looking at my pictures from when I went 8 and 9 years ago and looking at myself now and seeing how poorly I've done losing the weight bring this thought into my head "what's the point?".  I don't know, I'm not sure why my heart hasn't been in it.  Well, I sort of know, but it's probably WAY out there to some people. 

But I think I need to go there.  I truly believe that when this weight comes off of me I will be a powerhouse for the things I believe in.  I will have more confidence in myself that I've ever had before and when I have confidence I can pretty much conquer anything, I've proven this to myself before.  Well, this time, and for the first time, I have a lot to conquer.  I have a lot to say and I don't really say it simply because I don't have a lot of confidence and I know when I get that confidence back I'll be able to speak my heart.  And I know that the devil does NOT want me to have that confidence, he wants to keep me beat up, broken down, shut up and almost scared....and honestly, he's doing a pretty good job at it.  He gives me all the excuses and I take them.  I know my body has to submit to me, my body is a vessel, it is NOT the captain, and right now my body is doing all the commanding and as long as my body is winning the fight, my heart has to take a back seat.  And every time I think about it the devil reminds me about my past and how I'll just get mocked and screw things up for my husband and anyone else that is around me.  I know it's not true, I know the devil is a liar and a thief.  I know when I hear "it's too much weight, you'll never get it all off" or "you'll just screw things up if you open your mouth, someone will expose you for what you used to be" or ...okay there's so many others and my head is flooded with them right now that I can't complete one into a sentence.  Basically, this is so much more than eating right and exercising for me.  I know for some people it isn't, for some people it's simply about making better food choices and walking an hour a day, the weight comes off and there's never any more questions about it.  This, is way bigger to me, this is not only a battle of my body, but it's a battle of control, of conquering, of spirit, soul and flesh!!  And I know one thing, I am more than an over comer.  I'm not just going to overcome this weight I need to lose, I'm going to MORE than overcome it.  Not sure what the "MORE" is, but it's the more that the devil is trying to keep me away from!!!  I won't let him win and I won't let my body be captain anymore.  It's time to take back control.

When I was working out consistently and paying attention to my food, I was a nicer person, a happier person, an easier person to get along with, I slept better, I felt better, I sounded better and it's just time!!! 

Just a side note: on Dr. Oz today, he said, other than sunburns (yes, I'm VERY careful about this these days), sugar is the second most cause of wrinkles!!!!!!! Ewww, I don't want wrinkles, I have amazing skin, I still sort of have baby skin!!  And I definitely look sort of young for my age, however, every pound that I put on made me look older.  But yeah, sugar, I need to cut back on that, no wrinkles!!!

AND, I read an article that said gaining simply 11 pounds destroys your fat burning metabolism.  MAN, I've put my metabolism in a tail spin. 

Anyway, time to work out!  I have to do it, the other stuff can wait!!!

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