Monday, March 18, 2013

Public Service Announcement: Missouri Spring

This is a Public Service Announcement!!! It should be no surprise that I do not like winter, I don't particularly like snow, I really don't like to be cold. I literally don't even want to go anywhere in the winter. I get winter-time blues, and take Vitamin D all winter long to help control this issue. I don't even think Christmas is that great (GASP!!!). I mean, I love the family part of Christmas, but the pressure, I just can't handle it all and the money, it just seems so carnal, so commercial, non of which will stop me from actually celebrating though. Anyway, it's almost the official first day of Spring, and well, winter is holding on like a stage 5 clinger... It's honestly not only ridiculous, but just plain mean. Living in Missouri my entire life (sad face), Mother Nature is always bi-polar. I'm pretty convinced, at this point, that Mother Nature is a multitude of sisters, and Missouri (well the Midwest in general) got the red-headed step sister (haha, ginger jokes - which I can say because I'm half ginger - right?!?!). A few years ago, I wrote this long letter to Mother Nature letting her know my displeasure with her, with our long, grey winter. I know, I know so many will tell me it wasn't that bad of a winter, there were so many worse ones, that it wasn't even THAT cold, there wasn't THAT much snow, blah blah blah. Well, it's all too much for me, regardless if it 'could be worse'. So, I wrote this letter on MySpace (OMG - what!?!? I'm so old!! - shooooot, my time in 'social media' goes wayyyyy past MySpace!), and I can no longer find it, so instead of writing to her about my displeasure, I think we, as Midwesterners, should take a united front to convince Mother Nature and her lackeys that we are well prepared and ready and willing to open our arms to Spring and welcome her with all the love and tenderness she deserves!!

First, and foremost all you lazy lady shavers - SHAVE YOUR LEGS!! All the way to the top, don't stop at the knees!! You know who you are, you spend the entire winter just growing out that hair!! Maybe you shave it for a date or a wedding, but beyond that you feel no need!! Well, ladies, do it now, don't even finish reading this!!!! And then lotion them because you know they'll itch after all that hairiness gets taken off - and seriously, quit doing that!!!

Second, all you lazy MAN shavers - GET RID OF THE BEARDS!! I, personally, like facial hair, but there is a FINE LINE, when it comes to facial hair and some of you have stepped wayyyyyyy over it!! My brother, he buried the line, totally disregarded it. But, it's gone now, he shaved, so the rest of you, who think you need to keep your face warm - this is 2013, there is no need for a 6 month beard!!!! Whether you hunt, fish, work outside, or you just think your long scraggly beard looks cool (it doesn't, you have probably crossed the line), it's time, it's time to let the beard go. If you want to keep a nice close shaven beard, I will support this, but if I can pull your beard, it's GOT TO GO!! Mother Nature is utterly confused by all these beards, we need them gone, so she will bring us spring.

Third, girls, girls, girls, have you even LOOKED at your feet since October??? When was the last time you painted your toe nails? Lotioned those hard feet? Or tried dealing with those cracked heels? Well, it's time to get it together. For the next couple days you need to work on those feet, you need to get them ready for flip flops!!! And shoeless dancing in the rain!!!! Shave your legs, shave your feet if you have - GEEZ - just do something with them!! Then pick a nice spring color, none of this bright red, or deep plum nonsense, you pick a nice color. Yellow is fine, if you're not pale, yellow looks ridiculous when your pale. Green, like a soft teal green, that's fine. Hot pink, that's my new favorite (or old favorite from the 80's??), orange, I do love some orange. Whatever it is, make is spring friendly!!

Fourth, all you people (including myself) who SWORE this was the year you'd take your health/weight loss seriously, and thought you'd have 20 pounds gone by now and you've gained 8 pounds (or more, whatever, it's not like I'm actually going to tell you), well, guess what?!?!!?! It's now even CLOSER to whatever had you panicked about this!! (yup, it's even closer to death, if that's what was concerning you!) So, do something!!!!! Quit sitting on the couch, staring at the ugly snow, and the grey skies and sulking that the sun will never shine again and do something!! (this paragraph is mostly for myself, I'm sure non of YOU have had issues with your body related goals this year!!!) Quit making excuses, think about spending the entire summer in jeans again, b/c your afraid someone will come up behind you with a golf club and try to put a 'hole in one' with your potholed, pale thighs!!!! Or the tank tops that you love so dearly that have to stay in the drawer because when you raise your arm everyone around you catches a cold from the breeze!!! Yup, that's right!! Mother Nature is confused by the promises and doesn't know what to do with nice weather you dreamed about enjoying in an epitome of health and instead it's not true at all!!!

Fifth, and finally, honestly, just take a moment!! Take a moment to look around and see the beauty in all seasons. As much as winter makes me anxious and lonely and sad, I will only admit ONCE that I can see the beauty in snow (albeit I wish it snowed when it was warm). I love to take pictures, and I always itch to spend 10 minutes (that's all I can take) outside to take pictures of the trees or this year I was blessed enough to take engagement pictures outside in the snow and they are beautiful!!! As the green starts to grow in (and I have to start pulling weeds - ugh!, there's always something to complain about, eh?), and I hear the birds, and I think about all the twitterpated animals, it makes me smile!! The greatest sound is the bullfrogs that used to croak all night long outside my window, in the lagoon at my parents house. It was the only time of year that I didn't need a radio to fall asleep to (now that I have kids, I get the lovely noise of a baby monitor). My dad will call me when they start croaking and brag about the sound. The beauty of this world is so beyond my imagination, could you imagine what heaven is like?!?!? I can't!!!

So, in conclusion, let's stop the laziness of winter, we all know it brings out lazy in the most productive of people and start focusing on the 'new beginnings' of spring!!! And do it now, quit pissing off Mother Nature with your nonsense!! :)

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